The Best Days of my Life

I had a friend ask recently how I was feeling. I had to respond with pure honesty... every day this child's heart beats inside of me, is the greatest day of my life. Sure there are aches and pains, nausea, vomiting, discomfort, heartburn, breakouts and the whole laundry list of things no one warns you about.... but I praise God for every single one. Every day, is the greatest day of my life. I feel like every second of my free time is spent deep in thought, thanking God repeatedly.... and then... thanking him again.

We had our final visit with our reproductive endocrinologist today, it couldn't have gone better. Little clover baby has grown a lot in the last week, we are measuring exactly 11 weeks, which I will be on Friday. Here he/she is: first picture was taken last week, the second was taken today.

 

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

Clover baby liked keeping his/her hands in his/her face, teasing us with almost perfect pictures. We are now released to a regular OBGYN, whom I will meet with next week. Also, no more hormone treatments!! The placenta is now formed and taking over, looking healthy and beautiful. I'm already showing. Sure the normal person wouldn't really be able to tell for sure whether I was pregnant or just really bloated, but the people who see me every day can definitely see a difference. It's so exciting. I ordered my first maternity wear, I can still squeeze into my regular clothes but they're super uncomfortable. This picture was taken last week, I feel like every day I get a little bigger. It's awesome!

I just can't get over this feeling of joy and love.... my cup runneth over. Blessings abound... I am in constant awe over the power of our Lord. Just the thought brings me to tears.

Rejoice dear friends... God is alive and working in our lives. He can turn any situation into a beautiful love story, as long as He remains the main character. Keep the Lord first always. Thank Him for everything, even the hard times... they make you appreciate the blessings even more.

Thank you for your continued prayer, please keep them coming! We love each and every one of you!

For those of you still struggling, the fear still remains, but every day it is more and more muted. Pray for peace. Pray for patience. Thank God for standing by you and holding you up through every day. Your story may take a turn at any moment! Be ready to be flooded with blessings, for that is what our Lord wants for us! He also wants the GLORY! And BOY does he deserve it!!! To God alone be the glory!! Praising Jesus continually!! Keep the faith!

Clover baby is due October 17, 2014.

I do this for you.

I'm sorry about all of the silence. I've actually contemplated quitting the blogger business a lot lately, but for selfish reasons... there have been several things in my personal life lately that have made me want to quit... but then I think... I don't do this for me.

I don't do this for the people who feel the need to share with me that they do not believe miscarried babies go to heaven. Everyone has to find their own belief. I have found this. I find comfort in the knowledge that my babies are safe in the arms of our Father. I know he holds them safe, when their little hearts stopped beating, their eyes opened to Jesus. That is all I need to know about it. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [Jeremiah 1:5]

I don't do this for the people who don't think a baby is a real baby until a certain point. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. [Psalm 139:14]

I don't do this for the people who think we should just get over things and move on with our life. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4]

I don't do this for the people who continue to ask WHY don't we just adopt... because trust me if it were that easy, we'd have at least as many kids as we have dogs... and probably a lot more. We follow this journey as we are led, and as God provides. You make known to me the path of life. [Psalm 16:11]

I don't do this for my own satisfaction...

I don't do this for my own well-being. Although writing is therapy, putting my intimate personal life out there for the world to criticize is not therapeutic.

I do this for the women who are hurting.

I do this for the woman that feels alone in her loss.

I do this for every person who has ever lost a baby.

I do this for every person battling, or who has battled infertility.

I do this for you, dear friend... the one in misery right now.

I do this for you, dear sister, who feels like your heart is torn into a thousand pieces.

I do this to remind you, you are not alone.

I do this to remind everyone... no matter what bad things are going on in your life, God never leaves you.

I do this for my friend who is scared and angry and upset and falling apart.

Your pain is my pain.

When I hear of your loss and your heartbreak... my heart breaks too.

I shed tears for every loss I hear about. Your tears are my tears. My tears are for your angels as well as my own.

I do this to battle sorrow with love... despair with compassion... loneliness with understanding.

You cry, I cry.

We are a family... we are a sisterhood.

I strive to love you as God loves you... and oh how He loves.

The holidays are hard. Hard if you have lost a child. Hard if you have lost anyone. Hard if you are alone. Hard if you are sad. Harder still if you are experiencing a loss right now. But you are not alone. You may be sad, angry and miserable... but you are loved, you are not alone. I will always be here to remind you of this. I will always be here to share your pain. I will always be here to help carry your burden as I carry my own.

I do this for you, because I love you... because God loves you, and He wants you to know it.

 

Philippians 2:3-4        

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

 

My thoughts on Marriage?

I have recently had this question posted to me from  a person I have been friends with for years. I realized, as this was posted on Facebook, that a simple response was impossible. She might regret asking my thoughts, but she should know by now that by asking my opinion, she might very well get more than  she bargained for. : )

What marriage advice would you give a newly engaged couple? (doing research for a paper)

Okay, so let's get into this. First off, I would like to make it known that I am by no means an expert on the subject... everything I say may not be right for you, but this is what works for us.

1. Be sure. Be 100% sure. When I met Mike in 2010, I told a friend I was with that first night, "that boy is going to change my world." Boy, did he. I knew there was something different about him. I knew this would be a relationship unlike any I had ever encountered. I could feel it in my bones. Even after he stood me up for our first date... even after we realized we would both be challenging. When he got down on one knee in front of me and my whole family and pulled out that ring.... everything inside of me screamed YES! I knew. I never doubted it, even when I was mad and said I doubted it, inside I knew differently. I never really doubted it.
Now let's flash back a few years, before I met Mike. This is something I don't like to talk about but I think is important to mention here. Something I wish I had known when I was younger. Just because a man proposes to you, doesn't mean you have to say yes. If he's not the one God wants for you to marry, you will know. You will have doubts. Major doubts. I was engaged once before, a long time ago. When that guy got down on one knee everything inside of me cringed and screamed, no No NO DON'T DO THIS. But then what do you do when this guy with a diamond is down on one knee, I heard the word 'yes' come out of my mouth... but I knew it just wasn't right. It would, thankfully, not last very long. I knew in my bones that he was not the one for me... it led to a bitter end of a relationship that should have ended years before.
You hear that cliche' "when you know, you know" ?? Well I believe that 100% Mike and I were only together 7 months when he proposed. We just knew. Without a doubt in my mind or my heart I married the one true love of my life.

2. Divorce is not an option. I'm not talking extreme circumstances... I'm just saying too many people divorce because "it's too hard" or "I'm unhappy" or "I fell out of love". Don't buy into the worldly view that if it doesn't work out, we will get a divorce, but for now we will be happy. Don't make divorce an option in your marriage. Don't even use the word. Even in the heat of the worst fights, do not use this word. Divorce is a virus that is running rampant and spreading evil throughout the world. Marriage is a covenant made before GOD. The two joined in this manner are quite literally becoming one in the eyes of their creator. [[See Mark chapter 10]]

And Jesus said to them, “Because of your ehardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But ffrom the beginning of creation, ‘God made them gmale and female.’ 7 h‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,1 8 and ithe two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 jWhat therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

 

 

3. Staying on this subject, let's talk about love. People talk about love as if it is an emotion... and it is. BUT it is so much more. Love is an action verb. Love is something you have to commit to every single day. You choose to love. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself... I love this person. When you act "love" you feel love. Those initial feelings of "this person can do no wrong and the world is all butterflies and rainbows" WILL go away. When that happens, many people choose to throw in the towel. It IS a choice. You can choose to stop loving. Don't. Do something nice for your spouse to show them love as often as you can... no matter how big or small. My husband brings me flowers nearly every week, that gesture always fills my heart to overflowing with the knowledge that he loves me without even hearing the words.

I show love by baking something special, cooking for him or cleaning up after him without complaining. It may sound old fashioned, but when my husband comes home from a long day and has to work on homework for hours and goes to bed late, then gets up the next morning and finds all his work clothes already clean and ready to wear... he knows he is loved. Love is an action. Do everything you can to show love... not just the words or physical love... although those are very important, your spouse needs to know without a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, you will always be there to love them.

Loving someone sometimes means going to bed angry (despite what nearly everyone will tell you). It's much better to go to bed angry and wake up calm the next day than to say something unloving that you will later regret and that your spouse will remember for a very long time.

Everyone loves in a different way, learn what works for you and your spouse and do it. (I've been meaning the read The 5 Love Languages, a book about what shows love for different types of people). What works for me does not work for my husband and vice versa. You think he'd get all giddy over a flower? Please... but his cup runs over with knowledge that I love him when I hug him or kiss him on the cheek when he least expects it... or I randomly tell him I am proud of him and respect him beyond measure. And if he's reading this... I really do my dear husband... You are truly the greatest man I know.

 

 

4. Think twice before complaining about your spouse. Chances are the things that you are fighting about are silly and you will get over it before you know it, but bringing other people into your so-called problems will make them linger. I'm not saying you won't have legitimate arguments about important things or that your spouse will never seriously hurt your feelings... I'm saying, when you talk bad about your spouse or complain about them to your friends, they will remember it. They will also, mostly innocently, bring those times up again when they hear you complaining yet again. This action puts you on the "other" side of the team... you should ALWAYS try to stay on your partner's side. You are a team.... you are THE team. You should always always make an effort to uplift your spouse instead of putting them down, even if you think they will never know about it.

Everyone makes this mistake at times, it's just human nature to "gossip". Just try not to. Trust me, your marriage will benefit from the constant "lifting up" of one another, and soon it will be second nature to you... you will see your spouse in a different light than you see the rest of the world. They will never be perfect, but it is important to remind yourself (and those around you) that they are perfect for you.

When you do talk to your friends or your friends talk to you about their marriages, be supportive and understanding and never talk down their spouse. Yes, there are moments you will inadvertenly blurt out "no he didn't!" but try to avoid the "what a jerk" comments and instead say things like "I'm sorry you're upset" or "you guys love each other, this is just a rough patch". I can't even count the number of times that my best friend and I have reassured each other over the years through our marriages. Sometimes you do need an outside ear to listen, but be cautious about who you choose. Choose someone who you know will be rational. Someone who supports Team "Mr. and Mrs." Someone who understands the importance of keeping the integrity and closeness in your marriage.

 

 

5. I had a patient at work recently that had been married for 64 years. My favorite question to ask such couples is, "what is your secret to staying married for so long?" Her response? "I've just enjoyed it!" I could see the love shining from her face as she said those words. Seems simple right?

Often times life gets in the way, and you forget to simply enjoy your marriage. There are things to worry about, work to be done, bills to pay, disasters at every turn, children to take care of... infertility... miscarriage... a countless number of things that can make you actually forget to enjoy your marriage!! Have fun together... make special time for each other every week, even if it's something small. Mike and I like to go sit at the bar at firebird's, have a steak and a glass of wine and watch whatever game is on. We do this almost every week, it's our special little simple "together" time, time to unwind, leave all our problems behind and just hang out together. The time doesn't always have to be anything big like a vacation or anything romantic like a fancy date... it can just be laying together on the couch watching a movie. The intimacy of being able to just be with someone and relax is amazing and important. Be each other's best friend. What is better than getting to spend EVERY day with your best friend?!

 

 

6. Stop thinking grass may be greener on the other side. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Everyone's grass needs tending. No one's marriage is perfect, and every marriage takes work. Just know that marriage doesn't have to entirely be work!! It's dangerous to think there are perfect marriages because you will always feel like yours is falling short. It's not... life is what you make it. My husband's saying of "it is what it is" used to irritate and infuriate me, it seemed like such a blow-off... but there are things in life you can't change or always fix! And that is okay! The important thing is that you are willing to make the effort to tend your marriage's "grass". The more you nurture your relationship, the better it will be... and the "work" feeling will diminish. Whatever you do... do it together, and your marriage will be strong and healthy and beautiful... your grass will be beautiful. :)

 

And finally...

 

7. Do not make yourself or your spouse number one in your marriage.

 

Wait... What??? Yeah I know... don't do it.

 

Make GOD number one. Always. If God is the one leading your marriage, there is no way you can fail. Pray together, worship together, put your spouse above other people, but never EVER above God. I wish I had known this on the day we got married. I vaguely knew it but I didn't KNOW it, or at least I didn't know how to do it. This is something we have learned together over the years. We had to learn to follow God's plan for our lives (and our marriage) and it has grown better with every passing moment. It hasn't always been easy but... Relationships THRIVE when God is at the center of them. Growing closer to God individually and together will bring the deepest love and appreciation and happiness that you can ever imagine... sometimes even way more than you can imagine. Any marriage can succeed as long as God is leading the way of two willing hearts.

 

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So, Lauren, I hope these are the answers you were looking for... probably way more than you wanted to hear, but these are my thoughts. At least part of them : )

 

The only thing I would say I would do differently had I known how our marriage would turn out, is to slow down. I would have concentrated less on what the wedding should be and more on what our marriage should be like. The best thing we ever did during our engagement was a church-based marriage counseling using the book "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. We still look back at it from time to time when we are feeling frustrated and not understanding one another. Men and women will always react and/or think differently about almost every situation... so don't expect the other person to read your mind! Use your words, even when you feel like you shouldn't have to explain yourself... explain yourself anyways, you'll be amazed at how many arguments you avoid that way.

 

And to those readers out there who are thinking about getting married  or engaged? Pray for direction and guidance from God. You don't need luck. You just love. Love each other every day and thank God for every day that you get to spend together. The rest, you can figure out... as long as you're willing to figure it out together.

With everything that has happened in our time together, a little bad and a lot of good. I am thankful for every second of it, because I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.

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For those of you looking for an update to our story... there isn't too much news, but one is coming soon.

To God Alone Be The Glory

4th of July 2013. What a day for celebration.... while thinking about all those throughout the nation honoring this day, we will be celebrating a little differently this year. We are spending the day giving all glory and honor and praise to our Lord above. When you pour into him... He definitely pours right back out to you... and in His perfect timing, He will answer your prayer. For two years we have prayed... for two years we have struggled... for two years we have been tested and fought back against forces that tried to drag us down physically and emotionally.

Well my friends... I know you are all anxiously awaiting our news...


Our numbers are good! We are officially expecting!!

Don't mind him... I'm pretty sure he's still in shock.

Okay... okay... you caught me... we did a home test first. Patience is not one of my strong virtues... but we are working on that. : )

While we are overjoyed for this... we must stop and thank the One who brought us here... the One that created this life (or lives) within my womb. It is only by God's provision and blessing that we have arrived to this point in our lives.

You see... it doesn't matter how many medications I took... what doctor's I saw... this is all God's work. God gives these doctors the knowledge to help those who struggle... God is the creator of all life. Not an embryologist... not a reproductive specialist... Only God can create life. And ... He has.

It will be several weeks before we know whether we are expecting one baby or two... but honestly we are hoping and praying for two. We fell in love with those little babies as soon as we saw their picture, of course we want them both! We will be happy with whatever God sees fit to give us. This blessing is beyond anything we deserve... this beautiful life is beyond anything we deserve. We cannot thank God enough for all He has done for us and in us over these last two years.

The first trimester is a little scary for us, considering what happened with our first angel baby... but we must put fear aside. We already love these babies so much, they definitely have all of our hearts. Please pray for us during this time... that these babies grow and stick around for a while. : ) But no matter what happens... I will enjoy every second of this pregnancy... even when I have my head in the toilet and my boobs hurt so bad that they wake me up when I move around at night. I thank God for each and every symptom that lets me know our little babies (or baby) are holding tight in there. Our numbers will be rechecked on Saturday to ensure that they are going up... right now my beta HCG is 115, which the nurse said is STRONG positive. They should double every 48-72 hours.

Many people have asked if we whether or not we would announce this pregnancy so early considering our first miscarriage, but I believe this is a huge show of faith for us to step out and make it public. There are so many people rooting for us... praying for us... and we cherish each and every prayer we receive.

Hebrews 4:16
So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Matthew 7:7
Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

So friends... as you are celebrating the holiday with your friends and family today, we ask that you say a special prayer of thanks... every prayer gets answered... every prayer matters. 

I heard a song called "One Drop" by Plumb... it perfectly describes how I'm feeling right now... happy... blessed... amazing.

I need you and you need me
Left alone we will never be who we could be
So take my hand and don't forget
We can do anything together!

Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Come with me now, look and see how
There's an ocean overflowing with our hopes!
So let's jump in and take a swim
You and me yeah, forever!

Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
 Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I need you and you need me
We can do anything together!

 

 

One drop of hope... of love... of faith can change your world or someone else's. It sure has changed mine. Jump in... face your fears... and above all... have faith my friends. God is real and alive and working in you every day!

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

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Dear Babies,

I promise to take the best care of you that I possibly can. Hold tight little ones... and even if all you continue to let me eat is chicken lo mein and golden honeydew melon and watermelon jolly ranchers, I promise to never complain... I will give you anything your little forming hearts desire... just try to give me a heads up to the things you hate before they go into my mouth ; ) I will gladly avoid anything you don't like. I don't have enough words to tell you how much your daddy and I love you... but that doesn't even hold a candle to how much God loves you. We are so thankful to Him for creating you and giving you to us. Your grandparents are beside themselves with joy... and your Aunt Annie cried almost as much as mommy did at the happy news. Your uncle Derek will protect you forever and your little cousin Ethan cannot wait to play with you and teach you all the little tricks he has learned to get your way. I think your great-mammaw is more excited than anyone (except us, of course)... you have such a big family that has been wanting you in their lives so badly! There are so many more people that love you so much already... we cannot wait for you to meet all of the prayer warriors that have been constantly in prayer for you to come to be.

Grow strong my darlings. I promise to keep you safe in every way I possibly can... but only by the grace of God can mommy do that... and mommy and daddy are praying for you constantly!

Your daddy found this song and I promised him that I would learn it and sing it to you every single night before bed...

Love,
Your very very very happy Mommy and Daddy... and three puppies that are guarding mommy's tummy every day : )

Keeping the Trust

The thing about being on this journey is that most days are like trying to climb your way up a steep mountain... in the pouring rain... inside a deep dense overgrown forest... with a blindfold on. Yeah, that about sums it up. Today I am feeling emotional. By emotional I mean I have spent a lot of time crying today. I watched Wall-E earlier for the first time. Leave it to Disney to leave me crying when they want you to believe that that sweet little robot has no recollection of his robot love... heck I just cried watching an episode of Food Network Star that I had recorded on our DVR.

Call me hormonal, I suppose... but today I just feel like a mess... at least I can eat. Actually, I can't stop eating today. I'm STARVING. My mother left to go home this afternoon now that I am officially out of my 48 hour bed rest period. I have been eating ever since. I'm still taking it easy, and will probably for the next... oh 9 months, God willing.

This is all part of the roller coaster. I know that. I know that all of these symptoms I have could be withdrawals from the injections or the use of hormones to sustain our little post-transfer babies. I know that I am the type of person to overanalyze any and every symptom I have... that's what I have always done on this journey for two years... but now? I have to make myself stop. Easier said than done when a simple innocent thought can put me into a pile of weepy tears in a millisecond. But I must... I must TRUST.

When I stop... and I pray... I feel the peace. I just have to figure out how to hold on to that peace. The good part of it? God doesn't care how many times a day we come to him and ask him for peace. He loves giving it to us. I also believe He loves when we make it a point to come to HIM for it without trying to find it in other avenues. Don't wear out Google searching for "post transfer IVF success symptoms". Instead... break out that bible. Break out that devotional... you just might find that word you're so longing to hear... like this:

 

This is today's entry from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Yes, Kandie... I stole this picture from you. ; )

My friend Kandie and I are on such similar journeys... it's definitely a God thing that we found each other... so of course we are reading the same devotional. You should definitely check out her blog here.

I know that over the next days and weeks my mind is going to wander to a thousand places and I am going to feel a thousand feelings. The only thing I can control is where I go from here... and I want to go to Jesus.

God... give me the strength... the patience... the protection. I know we are asking to keep our miracle... but that is only in Your hands, we are fully aware of that... and we are fully trusting YOU and only YOU in that.

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Dear babies... I know I've told you a million times already... but I love you so much. Hold tight to me my dears... Let God protect us all... xo

Waiting To Meet Our Miracles

Saturday morning I was awoken with a call from our embryologist, or as I like to call him... the babysitter. He had excellent news. Out of our 21 fertilized eggs we had 6 embryos in excellent condition and 5 in average condition. The embryologist was very thrilled, he said these were excellent results. He then said the rest were below average or fragmented (read not developing properly). I spent the rest of Saturday on the couch resting... only doing a couple of things around the house. I was still feeling the effects of the retrieval.

Sunday was the longest day ever. Our babysitter told me he would not be calling me that day, not because they weren't there, but because it is best to leave the babies in the incubator with the least disturbance as possible. Whatever is good for our little darlings! I was still sore... so Mike let me slept in. I hated missing church, but I knew it would be difficult to get up and around in a brisk manner. Showering felt like a job. I was exhausted before I even got my hair completely dry.

Although I still wasn't feeling too great... I had developed cabin fever. Big time. We planned to go to an afternoon movie with hub's best friend and his awesome girlfriend and then to an early dinner. We saw World War Z. Zombie movies are not hub's favorite genre, so I was surprised by the choice. I actually really enjoy these types of movies and books... I know it's weird. I blame that on being partially raised by my brother. : ) I will say this however... nothing will get your mind off of your anxieties better than watching a bunch of people try to save the world from a zombie virus.

I slept horribly last night. It was not due to the movie... when I have bad dreams they tend to be way more realistic than zombies. As I tossed and turned... I began to pray. I prayed for healing. I prayed for our little embies growing in their incubator... I prayed for good results... I prayed for our future. I prayed for God's will and OUR understanding of that will. That is the most important part of all of this... following God's plan for our life. That is when the blessings flow, and boy are they flowing.

I got the call from our babysitter this morning. He was joyful as always, which instantly put me at ease. He said he peeked at our little eggos today and they are developing into blastocysts... right on track!! I cannot wait to see them tomorrow. I will arrive at the surgery center at 9:45 in the morning and the procedure will occur by 10:45. I will be given a valium before the procedure and lay on the tilt table for 30 minutes after the transfer. They plan to transfer 2 embryos.

Because of my estriadol levels before retrieval being over 4000 I have been at a high risk to develop OHSS which would build up fluid in my pelvis. The good news is that I haven't had any symptoms of this... I haven't had any weight gain, my abdomen is not distended and I have been urinating frequently (come on nothing is TMI by now). The doctor says these are excellent signs for everything to go smoothly. HOWEVER, if they get in there tomorrow and see too much fluid they may only transfer one embie. We are praying that doesn't happen. There is a much higher success rate with two transferred, plus that is our plan... that is our path. I feel it. With my curiosity peaked, I did scan myself today... and I do have some fluid in my pelvis... I'm hoping that is just a post surgical reaction and it won't be enough to put a damper on anything. It wasn't a large amount... I don't even look or feel bloated.

To work off some nerves. I cleaned the house when I got home... although it wasn't too dirty. I just know that coming home to a clean house tomorrow will make me feel more at ease. Whatever works right? I love a clean house... it calms me. I put clean sheets on the bed, since I won't be leaving them after we get home tomorrow until Thursday afternoon. I will be on strict bedrest for 48 hours when I get home. By strict I mean I am allowed bathroom privileges and am allowed to walk from the bed to the couch. That is IT. I am not allowed to get up and do ANYTHING. Hubs will be working from home tomorrow afternoon and after that, my sweet mommy is going to come stay with me so he can go to work Wednesday and Thursday.  : )

We went last night to stock up on snacks that I might want or need if I'm feeling sick. It's really hard to plan what you are going to want when you can't do anything... but we tried.

So tomorrow is the big day. I feel like it has been a long time coming... it really does fly by once you start the medications. It feels like just yesterday we were meeting with Dr. Ke for the first time.

I'm so excited. I'm so happy. I can't wait to see pictures of our little babies. I feel pretty at ease right now, although I anticipate not sleeping much tonight... much like a little kid waiting on a visit from Santa Claus. Now that everything is in order... all I can do is relax. And pray. Pray pray pray.

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Dear Babies,

I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Our little ball of cells that are our miracles. We have been looking forward to this for so long. We have constantly been dreaming of you and your brothers and sisters that are growing along side of you. Mommy has done her best to do everything right for you to be healthy and happy. Tomorrow two of you will be transferred into mommy's uterus. PLEASE make yourself at home. PLEASE stick around. I know you are anxious to meet your older brother in Heaven, but we would really really love it if you would stay with us for a while. We are anxious to meet him too... maybe you already have met him... because we know you came straight from God's heart and into our world. We hope everything goes well during the transfer and the following months... But we want you to know that if anything should happen, and you get called home early... we love you. We will cherish every second we get to spend with you on this Earth, whether it is a few days or many many years. You are now and always will be our miracle babies. We love you. Forever... in this world and the next.

Forever Trusting in Love,
Mommy and Daddy (and your 3 puppies waiting to kiss your face and love you forever too)

Faith, Progress and Love

Hello friends! More monitoring today... I went from 10 measurable follicles to about 15! That is egg-cellent news. ; ) Our target date has been delayed a tad... the follicles still aren't quite ready to go. We will have more monitoring Sunday morning. My estriadol went from 803 to 1540, a good jump. We knew once we started the ganirelix it would no longer double.

As far as side effects are going, I cannot differentiate the ganirelix from the menopur for a lot of things, such as dizziness, never ending thirst, fatigue and well... I just feel out of it to be honest with you. Today is my off day which I usually spend cleaning. But now? I clean for about 10 minutes then feel exhausted and out of breath and have to lay down for a bit before I can do much more. It's not awful... just kind of annoying because I lay here bored and when I try to do anything, I can't. But as with everything else I will do whatever it takes. As far as the injections themselves... the ganirelix does not hurt going in... it's only about 10-15 minutes later that the site turns really red, almost rash-like and burns. That only last a few hours before it turns into an area of bruising. My stomach is starting to look like a battle field. Oh and the battery acid? Oh, I mean the menopur. It HURTS... even with icing the area for a while before hand. Given the results we got during the ultrasound, it is SO worth it!

The lining of my uterus looks nice and healthy, just where we want it. The follicles on average are measuring about 14mm now, we need them to get to 18 mm before harvesting. On average they will grow 1-2 mm a day, but with the ganirelix that might be slowed. For now, they are saying our retrieval may happen on Wednesday or Thursday. We will know more after Sunday's testing. Until then... our meds are not changing. We are doing ganirelix and menopur in the morning and 150 IU of follistim in the evening.

I've been more worried about our eggs than I'd like to admit, at least on a subconscious level. First I was afraid I would spontaneously ovulate prematurely before starting the ganirelix. Then last night I dreamed that the ganirelix didn't work and all of my follicles had ruptured and they weren't able to see any eggs when we had the ultrasound. Being afraid is just a natural part of this. Overall I feel pretty calm, at least right now. I'm confident in the direction we are going. I'm confident that the medication is working... I'm confident in the ability of our doctors. Because ultimately it is all in God's hands. If God wants us to be parents, we will be, whether it is by these or other means.

I've been thinking about my husband more and more with father's day rapidly approaching. I hope to be able to give him as many eggs as my body is willing to give up... but there is nothing I could ever do to show my full appreciation for him. He is still faithfully doing all of my injections. He drove me to work on Thursday because he was worried about me driving with the potential side effects of the new injections. I was glad he did. I don't think it would have been safe with the level of dizziness I had yesterday. I know it is hard on him, seeing me bruised and in pain... but he is staying strong for me... he finally opened up about his concerns through this... about me. About how I will react if this is a big fat failure. Honestly, that has been a concern of mine as well. But I will tell you as I told him... this is the truth that I know now that I did not know during our miscarriage. My husband is enough for me to be happy. I want to be a mother. I will always be a mother to our angel baby... but above that, I am a wife. And I cannot imagine a life outside of "me and him". Children will only add to that joy. BUT If it is only going to be us (and all our four legged babies) from here on out... YES I would be devastated and upset... but as long as I have my dear husband. I know I can survive it.

My husband is the one who pushed me in my faith. He is the reason I am the person I am now. He is my rock. He is the love of my life. He is my one and only. I'm doing all of this for us, for our family... for our future. We are going through this together. Hand in hand. Every day. We fight as one. We worship as one. We pray as one. From the day we said "I Do" we became one. For better or for worse. Through infertility and IVF or adoption or anything life throws at us... we walk it together. We fight it out, together. We have faith...we have HOPE together. That makes all things possible... because our hope is in our Lord. The One who brought us together. The One who made us. The One we put our vows before when we became one in his eyes. We stand together on our faith. We hold together through our love.

Stay tuned for more news on Sunday...

Choosing Hope

Lately, there has been a battle raging... in my head. The closer the dates get to the beginning of our injections and subsequent retrieval and implantation... the worse the thoughts get... the "what ifs". You know what I mean, "what if this doesn't work?" "what if something goes wrong?" "what if the medicine doesn't work like it is supposed to?" "what if they can't get enough eggs?" "what if I get pregnant and miscarry again?" "what if What If WHAT IF?!" It's like an annoying alarm clock that you cannot turn off. The more I try not to focus on these things... the more they randomly pop into my head. My anxiety is growing. I was starting to panic a little. I was starting to get scared. I needed a sign... something to tell me this was right (even though I know in my heart that it is). I'm a big fan of signs. They're like little clues from God that tell us what we should do and when we are on the right paths. Now, I will admit that I have "made" things into signs that were NOT signs just to justify something that I wanted to be right. I like to think that I know better at this point in my life.

My quiet time with God is usually in my car on my way to and from work. I can think clearly when I'm driving, sometimes I even talk out loud to Him... I'm the only one in the car, I don't care if people see me and think I'm nuts. So Thursday morning, I poured my heart out. We had ordered the medicine, paid for it... and I was freaking out. I asked for a sign. It was a partially cloudy, not raining... and suddenly I looked up and saw the most beautiful rainbow. It was like God was saying "Hey! I'm right here with you! I've got this! It's going to be okay! Just trust me!" After that I felt better... at least for a few hours.  

My medicine came in the mail on Friday... lets just say that seeing the quantity of it in front of me was overwhelming.

The questions began again... I have a fear of needles. It is not the pain, it's the actual needle. Watching it go in the skin, actually just thinking about it going in the skin makes my stomach curl up into knots. I have until Tuesday to get over that fear. I'm just going to go on and assume that's not going to happen until I man up with the needle in my hand and stick that sucker in my belly. Ugh.

The thing I have been sorely lacking this last week or two with all of these questions is a lack of hope. I'm so terrified of an unhappy ending that I can't even begin to think about a happy one. This could work... this might work. I need to be thinking that this is going to work. When you automatically think the worst, that is a hard think to wrap your mind around. We have been fighting this for so long, can the end really be in sight? Maybe. Maybe not. I cannot control the outcome of this situation. That is only in God's hands. But hope? That is something I can control.

Hope doesn't just fall out of the sky like rain. Hope doesn't just miraculously appear out of nowhere. You can't buy it at the store or order it online. Hope is there for the taking. You just have to choose to hope. Hope is ours, given by God, to get us through this life. There are countless verses in the Bible to teach us about hope. Here are a few that I find particularly helpful:

Romans 5: 2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Hebrews 11:1 (paraphrased) Faith is being sure of what you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In the book of Romans, He is even called the God of Hope. It is one of his many gifts to us. He wants hope for us... He wants us to have faith in Him... He wants to give us hope. The catch is, just like we must choose to follow Him... we must also choose other things in  our lives... hope, joy... faith. I chose to have faith in the journey and this is the path I have been lead down. Now, I choose to have hope. I have a friend with a blog called "choosing joy". I have always loved that... but now I get it. I choose to be hopeful. I choose hope over fear. I choose joy over despair. I choose faith over blame and guilt. I choose a life guided by my Lord.

Now, every time one of those thoughts pops into my head... I simply say... "My hope is in You Lord." Then, I feel better. I feel calmer. I know this is right.

Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. If you need a sign, say it. If you need hope, choose it. If you want to be happy, decide to be... and then things will fall into place (with God's help of course).

Matthew 7: 7-8 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."

There will always be fear in the back of your mind. It is part of being flawed as a human, it is in our nature to fear the unknown, but we don't have to be afraid. We must remember who is in control... who has this all planned out and already knows the ending... it is already written out. I know we will be parents one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. Right now, I have to give it all over to God. I have to have hope. I have to keep the faith. I could go insane thinking about all the possibilities of bad outcomes... now, it is time to focus on the good.

Choose hope. Choose joy. Choose love. Choose faith! Rejoice! That's what God wants for all of us.

An Outpouring of Love

Keeping with the discussion of love...

I received an amazingly sweet surprise this past Saturday. My best friend texted me asking if she could come by because she had something "she'd been working on"... okay, sure. Not thinking too much of it... she couldn't have been up to TOO much, I thought, because not only does she have two beautiful children AND a full time job, the previous weekend she had graduated college. I was beyond proud of her for this huge accomplishment that I know she has worked incredibly hard for. I am amazed at the woman she is... she does so much... I like to think of her sometimes as super mom as she texts me to check on me in between playing with her daughter, nursing her son, cooking a gluten-free meal for her hubby and writing another 10 page paper... lol. I wasn't surprised when she said she could only stay a few minutes.

I WAS surprised by what she had in her arms when I answered the door. It was a gift... she had been working for a couple of weeks putting it together. She had conspired with our friends and part of my family to put it all together.

This basket is filled with little gifts...things for relaxation, the angel of friendship from the collection I love and letters for each big process of our rapidly upcoming IVF cycle. It is SO HARD not to break into those letters. It even has drawings for my friends' children... that I also cannot look at until a certain day. I was in complete awe. I don't know where she found the time to do any of this... and words cannot express my gratitude for this outpouring of love. But that's what best friends are for right? You pour out to each other... I know that probably lately I have been a "needy" friend... but we all become the needy friend at some point. When your friends are down you do what you can to lift them up... and this? This was beyond anything I ever expected. My heart overflows to my dear dear friend as I look at the basket over and over.  So much love contained here. It encouraged me at a time when I was beginning to feel anxious and slightly scared.

Between my parents... and my best friend... and comments I have received about both things... I got to thinking...

You see these outpourings of love for my little family here? If you think that is amazing... think about this: if our Earthly love can pour out so much emotion... if these gestures say so much about the people we are and the people we care about... How much MORE is the love of our Heavenly Father for us?

As humans, our ways of living and loving are inherently flawed. There will always be a point when we are selfish or careless or mean or aggravated and take it all out on the people we care about most, just because they are in the line of fire... but not our Father. No matter how much we try to love someone unconditionally, we fail. Time and time again we fall short. But not our Heavenly Father.

How much do you love your friends? family? pets? spouse? children??? What would you do for them? Would you give them your all? your money? your home? your LIFE?? Would you give your children's lives??? Our Heavenly Father gave His. THAT is how much he loves you... and me... and everyone. No matter how flawed we are. No matter how many times we fall short. GOD still gave His SON for us.

The story is told clearly in the Bible. You can never forget the verse... John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He gave him up freely... Jesus gave himself to die on the cross... all for our salvation. He took our punishment... he took our sin. He took these things and replaced them with his blood... to bring us everlasting life. An eternity spent with Him.

Trying to wrap my mind around the vastness of the Lord's love leaves me breathless. It's amazing! There is NOTHING we can EVER do to mess that up! Even better!!

Take this verse... Romans 8-
³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

No matter what you are going through in your life, God loves you. When you feel alone, God is there. When you are sad, God is catching your tears. So reach out to him. His love is unending. His love is always within reach. Accepting this love is your choice, but it is free to you to receive. And by His grace you are saved (Ephesians 2:5). There will always be struggle. There will always be turmoil in the world. But you are always loved.

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And to my dear best friend... Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I still don't have the proper words to tell you how much this meant to me. You are a true expression of 1 John 4: 7-8
⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

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.... So many days recently I have felt loved beyond comprehension. I hope you all, my dear readers, feel the love as well.

If Something Seems Too Good To Be True...

It probably is.

Cliché right? Yeah, I know you've heard it a million times. It holds steady because it's usually true. Well, at least it seems to be true more often than not. So what do you do when things fall through?

For instance, if you were told that you would be receiving financial assistance for... oh I don't know... let's say an important medical procedure that was coming up... and then the group who offered the assistance backed out... what do you do?

Well first... if it was us... let's say we'd be pretty mad... and then I would cry (big shocker there right?!)

We found ourselves in this predicament last week. I wasn't ready to post about it because I knew I would only be posting out of hurt and anger and would end up badmouthing someone... which is wrong. So I haven't posted in a while.

So there we were... short on funds. With the deadline to pay fast approaching.

One thing that still rings true... God will never lead you down a path without providing for you along the way. Even when it feels like things are falling apart... there will always be someone there to help you along... help bear the burden.

Now, had we known that we were going to fund this all on our own, we would've scrimped and saved even more than we already were... we would have used all our tax return to project baby instead of paying off some things that could have waited... but saying we would've done things differently is counterproductive. We could spend our entire lives talking about what ifs and what could have been done and what might have been.

Our blessing this time came in another form. Our blessing would not come in the form of work assistance. It would come in the form of two people... whose love brought me into this world. Two people who I know would give anything for us not to have to be dealing with such problems. Two people that would give of themselves as much as they possibly could to benefit their own children. My amazing parents.

I would be lying if I said they have never offered assistance to us before... in more ways than I can count.

There were many things about my parents marriage that I didn't understand until I found myself married facing the problems of this world. They have taught me so much about life, love and most of all strength and resilience. No matter how much adversity they faced being married with children at such a young age, they worked their way to success... and never expected any less from my brother and myself. I see them differently now... I see how their struggle and love over the years formed us into people unlike many people that I know. I see how they have grown, as individuals, as Christians and as a couple. They learned as they went along... and taught us everything they learned "the hard way" so that it might be easier for us. More times than not, we still felt the need to learn things the hard way (I often blame my stubborn nature on them... that I got it honestly... ha ha) I feel so fortunate to have them in my life and it saddens me to know all of the many times I took them for granted or became hurt or angry with them when they acted in ways I could not understand. I guess that can be said of many children once they become adults to have such thoughts as these.

My greatest wish is that I will love and provide for my children as they have provided for us, even when they had very little to give. My parents were not perfect. I know that there are many things they would do differently if given the chance. I know this because they have told me this... but given the chance, I would never trade them for anyone in the world. I know without any shadow of a doubt how much they love my brother and me. I know because they show it... they tell me. They've told me more in the last two years than ever in my life... or maybe I just have the ears to hear it now, and as a child I couldn't hear it in the same way. Maybe I feel it more now because I know the love that a parent can have for a child, even a child that is not on this earth... even for a child that has yet come to be... I know that they are vulnerable at times... and they're open to me... they don't have to protect me from all the bad things of the world. Love and honesty go hand in hand. They can't protect me from the bad things we are living through. They can't just "make it better". They can't kiss the "boo-boos" and make the pain go away. I felt their pain as they felt helpless when we lost our first child. I knew they wanted to fix it, but couldn't. I know how hard it was for them to juggle the pain and sadness they felt for me and the joy and happiness they felt for my brother at the same time with his first child that was on the way. I know how they wish they could change our current circumstances.

All they can do is love and support us... and that changes our world. Knowing they are there. They have always been there. And as long as they are able they will always be there for us... supporting us and loving us however they possibly can.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

After all that has happened... all that we have been through... I look into their eyes and see something I was never able to see before... just how much love they have to give and how my pain is their pain... and how, no matter how much trouble my brother and I have been over the years, they too, would not trade us for anyone or anything.

I will leave you with this quote that I feel perfectly sums up how much we take our parents for granted in our younger years... and makes me giggle.

Say a special prayer of thanksgiving for your parents today... and be sure they know how much you love and appreciate them.

I love you Mom and Dad. So very very much.