I do this for you.

I'm sorry about all of the silence. I've actually contemplated quitting the blogger business a lot lately, but for selfish reasons... there have been several things in my personal life lately that have made me want to quit... but then I think... I don't do this for me.

I don't do this for the people who feel the need to share with me that they do not believe miscarried babies go to heaven. Everyone has to find their own belief. I have found this. I find comfort in the knowledge that my babies are safe in the arms of our Father. I know he holds them safe, when their little hearts stopped beating, their eyes opened to Jesus. That is all I need to know about it. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [Jeremiah 1:5]

I don't do this for the people who don't think a baby is a real baby until a certain point. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. [Psalm 139:14]

I don't do this for the people who think we should just get over things and move on with our life. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4]

I don't do this for the people who continue to ask WHY don't we just adopt... because trust me if it were that easy, we'd have at least as many kids as we have dogs... and probably a lot more. We follow this journey as we are led, and as God provides. You make known to me the path of life. [Psalm 16:11]

I don't do this for my own satisfaction...

I don't do this for my own well-being. Although writing is therapy, putting my intimate personal life out there for the world to criticize is not therapeutic.

I do this for the women who are hurting.

I do this for the woman that feels alone in her loss.

I do this for every person who has ever lost a baby.

I do this for every person battling, or who has battled infertility.

I do this for you, dear friend... the one in misery right now.

I do this for you, dear sister, who feels like your heart is torn into a thousand pieces.

I do this to remind you, you are not alone.

I do this to remind everyone... no matter what bad things are going on in your life, God never leaves you.

I do this for my friend who is scared and angry and upset and falling apart.

Your pain is my pain.

When I hear of your loss and your heartbreak... my heart breaks too.

I shed tears for every loss I hear about. Your tears are my tears. My tears are for your angels as well as my own.

I do this to battle sorrow with love... despair with compassion... loneliness with understanding.

You cry, I cry.

We are a family... we are a sisterhood.

I strive to love you as God loves you... and oh how He loves.

The holidays are hard. Hard if you have lost a child. Hard if you have lost anyone. Hard if you are alone. Hard if you are sad. Harder still if you are experiencing a loss right now. But you are not alone. You may be sad, angry and miserable... but you are loved, you are not alone. I will always be here to remind you of this. I will always be here to share your pain. I will always be here to help carry your burden as I carry my own.

I do this for you, because I love you... because God loves you, and He wants you to know it.

 

Philippians 2:3-4        

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

 

The Letdown

For most things in life, the more you do them, the easier they become. I would have to say that miscarriage should be within the top 10 exceptions for that rule (or at LEAST the top 20). When you become pregnant it becomes an entirely new love, and therefore an entirely new heartbreak. You are never prepared to let that child go... you never WANT to.... and if you have to say goodbye it is nearly unbearable... at least that has been my experience.

People keep asking how I'm doing... the answer to this question generally is "fine" or "I'm doing ok," which isn't a lie... per se. It's more of a partial truth. Honestly even if I'm not fine I will tell someone I am because it is either what they want to hear or it is a time that I just don 't feel like delving into how I'm REALLY feeling at the moment. Most of the time I actually am ok, or at least as okay as a person who has lost three children can be. I get out of bed in the mornings, even when I don't want to. I go to work, I do my job to the best of my ability. I keep my house clean... I love on my puppies. I try to be a good wife. All in all, I am living my life, even when I don't want to. Life is funny that way, it keeps going even when you feel like you can't... so you muster the strength to conquer each day, sometimes only an hour or two at a time. If I had things my way, I would take my husband and my three dogs and move off to St. Lucia for a few months... or years. But the reality is, I have a job... and bills... and people and things to tend to. So that's what I do. I live.

I fight through the depression of each day without my children, my stomach now flat and lifeless... I laugh when things are funny... I cry when I get really sad. I let myself feel the spectrum of emotions that are humanly possible. I think part of the grace of God is that He doesn't let us feel the full burden of some pains because it would be unbearable. I am not mad at God for our situation. It is hard to write about though, that's why it has taken me so long to find the words to put on paper... well, on the screen. Some people say to give all your problems over to God, and that is true. But what they don't tell you is that just because you give it to God, doesn't make it hurt any less. The hurt in this instance is still palpable. I know one day I will heal, but the ache for my children will remain until I am united with them in Heaven.

When I wrote about our first miscarriage, it was easier... the words flowed freely. The lesson I needed to learn had become apparent, I could find reason in it. I was better for it. But now? It hasn't been long enough. I don't know what we are supposed to learn from this. Maybe we are doing something in our lives that we shouldn't be... or maybe we should be doing something that we aren't. We just at this point have no idea what that is, so we go on. Day by day... living the best that we know how.

Physically my body is healing. I look like it is back to normal and I hope that I will be soon. I had retained products after the D&C which means that there was some tissue that was left behind after the surgery that I had to pass naturally. The d&c is a blind procedure which means there is no imaging, such as ultrasound, guiding the doctor to remove the sac of the baby (or in my case sacs). I've had a ton of blood drawn to do various panels of labs that test for recurrent miscarriage causes. I also have to re-do some testing that was previously done. My doctor wants to re-examine the possibility of my uterus having a septum. Right now, we know practically nothing. Except that my beta HCG (the pregnancy hormone) has not completely dropped to zero. This level will be rechecked weekly until it bottoms out. We have no current plans to do another transfer any time soon. Between the expense of IVF and the fact that we only have 2 frozen embryos, we want to know everything we can and try to have ideal circumstances for our next transfer, it will likely be our last. I can't even think about that right now, though. The fear of it far outweighs the excitement at this point.

We need a break. After all of our next testing is done we plan to take as long as we need to finish healing, physically and mentally. Maybe do some traveling. Have some fun as a married couple. If we had a bigger house we would probably get another doggie. : ) They bring so much joy and love into our lives... always full of kisses no matter how bad of a mood we are in.

My birthday is on Saturday. I will be 29. I feel so much older though. I always dreamed that I would be done having children by the time I was 30. My parents were so young when they had us, I wanted to be able to have the same kind of bond as we do... the young parents that are so often the "cool" parents. For now, my dream of being a mother feels so far out of reach, it's heartbreaking. I see it happening all around me... even to people that don't want it to happen, but for some reason, it is still not my time and that hurts so much... but I have no choice but to live with it... and make the best I can out of it.

I bought myself the new Tenth Avenue North album "The Struggle" today. It couldn't be more appropriate for how I'm feeling. So far my favorite song on the album is called "Strangers Here"

 

"Strangers Here"

I know you’re tired of the hurt and the heartache
You feel like giving in, you feel like walking away
And I know it’s difficult feeling so out of place
But this is not how it’s gonna be
Your pain is temporary

We’re all strangers here
So it’s alright if you can’t
Stop the tears that you cry
‘Cause some day we’ll touch the face of our God
And the sorrow will disappear
Until then, we’re strangers here

That’s hard to hear if you want to keep chasing
This broken world that only keeps your heart breaking
So if you’re scared ‘cause you think that you’re missing out
This is not the ending
No, this is not the ending

We’re all strangers here
So it’s alright if you can’t
Stop the tears that you cry
‘Cause some day we’ll touch the face of our God
And the sorrow will disappear
Until then, we’re strangers here

This is not the homeland
We can see the lights from here
He’s making us a city
Where there are no fears
And it’s drawing near

Until then, we’re strangers here
We’re just strangers here
We’re all strangers here
So it’s alright if you can’t
Stop the tears that you cry
‘Cause some day we’ll touch the face of our God
And the sorrow will disappear
Until then, we’re strangers here

I don't know what life will be like from here on out, but I do know that it will be okay. I will survive. I will get through each day. I'm comforted knowing that I have the love of an amazing man that I get to come home to every day. I'm so lucky for that. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope he knows that. I thank God every day for him... and my dogs... and my whole "thankful" list. The power of positive thinking right? I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a lot to be thankful for... but we always want more don't we? We want our babies. We want them here on Earth with us. We take as much comfort as we can in the fact that they are safe, in Heaven... they will never know pain and sadness. They will forever only know love and happiness. That's really the greatest thing any of us can wish for our children.

I know that God will ultimately use this experience for good, for His Glory. I can't wait to see what He has planned... praying for the strength to see this through...

________________________________________________________________

Dear babies,

We miss you so very much.

With all the love our hearts are capable of,
Mommy and daddy.

The Secret Garden

A relationship with God isn't instant gratification... although you feel different. You don't decide just to give Him your heart one day and then suddenly your life is perfect. No one's life is ever perfect... no matter how it looks from the outside.

A relationship with God is a lot like putting together a garden. First you have to decide whether or not to build the garden. Building anything is work. You have to put in the time and labor. The good news is, this garden doesn't cost you anything... The price has already been paid.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

1 Timothy 15-16 "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life."

Then, you have to cultivate the land. You have to give over your whole self. The good and the bad. The land has to be cleared and tilled, some might say the land needs to be broken down ... and sometimes healthy dirt needs to be brought in to enrich the soil. God can do this for you. He can wipe your slate clean.

1 Corinthians 3:9 "For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building."

Someone has to plant the seeds. At times, these seeds are already there in your heart... waiting to be properly planted. Other times, you are broken down before the seeds even come to light. But you need the seeds to grow. It can be a dear friend who loves you that simply says in your time of need "God loves you... and so do I, you are worthy of love... so much love". It can be something you heard on TV about faith... something you heard in church about 'new life' and being forgiven. It can be a piece of scripture you randomly come across when you were begging for a sign. It comes in many different forms... but commonly it is realized by a central feeling. The seed is that tugging on your heart. That nagging feeling... when God is whispering "I am here... come to me..."

Matthew 13:31-32 "The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches."

Next, you have to invest time... getting to know God and listening to his word. His word is like the water to a dry garden... he is the living water. Only God can fulfill your true thirst and your real hunger. And when you dive in... you want more and more.

Isaiah 44:3 "For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground."

John 4:14 "But whoever drinks of the water I give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Over time, it is your responsibility to weed the garden. You have to get rid of all those bad habits that you collected over the years that drag you down. You do NOT have to be perfect. As a human here on earth, there is no perfection. Changing is hard labor, it isn't easy, but it is a labor of love. These weeds of anger and resentment will be replaced by mercy and forgiveness. Go slowly if you need to, God has patience. Let's face it... humans are creatures of habit. It's our nature to want to keep living as we have been... but once you give yourself over to God... you become an example of His grace and mercy... you never know who is watching, who might be led to God by your example. Lucky for us, we have a guide book on how to live in this broken world, The Bible.

Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy"

Matthew 13: 37-39 "He answered, 'the one who sows the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed is the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sowed them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the reapers are angels."

This growing trust in God is like fertilizer that allows you to grow both spiritually and emotionally. Soon enough the gardens will begin to sprout new life. God has given you this new life.

Colossians 3: 2-4 "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on Earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." 

There will be bad days full of high winds and strong storms, but with God as your strong foundation... you will not be overcome. His love will shine down upon you through it all.

James 1: 12 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!"

Soon you will see beautiful blossoms... as all these pieces fall into place. You will realize that God has a plan for you. Will you trust him in that plan? Even if it isn't always easy? The most important thing to keep in mind is that God does not make mistakes. He chose you... He loves you... He wants to be in your life just as He wants to be in mine.

No matter how overgrown my land had become with sin and anger and pain... God renewed me. He continues to renew me every day. And I continue to see more and more blossoms opening to show their beauty to the world. Though the path was hard... it continues to be hard. I wasn't ready for the next leg of our journey. I wasn't ready for how hard our path would truly become. I wasn't ready to fully trust God yet, I thought I was... but I was not... I would get there though, slowly but surely.

If you are intrigued by this garden idea... I highly recommend reading Crossroads by William Paul Young. It is amazing. I also recommend that you read his first book as well The Shack.

A Gift from God

We disagree about our due date. My 'fertility friend' app had said April 21st while Mike's pregnancy app said April 19th. We finally agreed to disagree and gave ourselves the date of April 20th. We were never given an official due date by our obstetrician because all hell had broken loose the Friday before that appointment. So although we feel the desire for our child every day, that is our day to celebrate what would have been our child's "birth" day.

I was so scared for experiencing those days, the apprehension... the sadness was palpable, it was like feeling the loss all over again. I cried a lot. I spent a lot of time in the shower, (because isn't that the best place to cry?!) I also cried with Mike that weekend. He was feeling it too, though not as acutely as I was, I could feel the emptiness in my belly. It brought me comfort to see him wishing our child was in our arms rather than in Heaven as much as I did.

We talked about our baby a lot. We knew it was purely selfish of us to want our baby with us. I mean our baby was born to heaven! How amazing is that? Our child would never have to feel any pain or sorrow or disappointment. Our child would experience nothing but joy and the love of God. How awesome is that?! As for us? We were feeling all of it.

The day passed slowly. Very slowly. Very very slowly. For most people it was just another day, but for us... we felt like we were drowning in our sorrow. But we survived. I remember praying that night, asking God to kiss our baby for us and to tell him "happy 'birth' day" from mommy and daddy, and that we can't wait to get there and all be together... one big happy family.

I had several dreams about being a mommy when I was pregnant. In most of those dreams we had a little boy... in a few though it was a girl. We didn't know for sure what our baby was. The only name we ever agreed on was a girl's name... "Lily". This was not our Lily, that didn't feel right... so that name would be saved for later. We could not agree on a boy's name, then we lost the baby... and for a while it felt like it no longer mattered. Then I read Heaven is for Real.  Then suddenly it seemed to matter again, after I realized that our baby was born to heaven. There is a part in this book where the husband is talking about the miscarriage and how they joked to one another that they couldn't agree on a name. So they began to tell each other whoever got to heaven first would get to name the baby. That became our joke. It still is. It's like a race... whoever crosses the finish line first gets naming rights to our little one. It makes us laugh, it brings us comfort...

After we survived the day, it was time for bed. I fell asleep quickly. Sleep has always been a difficult thing for me. I sleep fitfully, I toss and turn. I have night sweats. I usually have nightmares. The kind of nightmares that are so bad, you don't even want to tell people any of the details. This night would be different. You know how sometimes in a dream you just appear in a place? ... this is what happened:

Suddenly we were in a hospital room. It was just Mike and myself. I was pregnant. VERY pregnant. I looked at all of the monitors I was hooked to. I looked at the type of room I was in. It was a maternity ward. I was having a baby! I was in labor, but I wasn't in any pain. We were holding hands, laughing. He was touching my belly, feeling it contract. Then suddenly it was like a time shift. I had the baby. He was in our arms. We were crying. He was beautiful. He had my eyes and Mike's thick head of hair. He was perfect. We had a son. We had a son. It was glorious. He was smiling up at us with those big blue eyes. We laughed about still not having a name. We pretended to argue about who would name him. We stared at him forever. Then as sudden as it began, it was over.

I woke up. I was in my bed. My baby was in heaven. I cried. We had a son. I knew this was my gift from God... for our child's "birth" day. I was thankful... I was missing my child more than ever. My arms were empty. No baby. But I had that moment.

I will cherish the memory of that dream for the rest of my life. I haven't had a dream about our baby since... except for my daydreams... I still thank God for this night. My most cherished memory of our first baby.

This is What it Means to be Held

Held- Natalie Grant 

Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

 

When Mike and I were engaged I was asked to sing a "special" at church... You know the good ole' traditional southern baptist "special" where one person gets up and performs for the church before the message? I was asked by the music minister what I wanted to sing... I told him he should choose! (Translation... um I don't really listen to christian music so you just pick something and I'll learn it) So I did.

 

Fast Forward... it took me months to be able to listen to this song without breaking down into tears. The truth of it resonated with me... and I knew every word... "To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling" true story. Yes... we are asking why this happens... but what is the answer?

 

Do I believe it was God's will to take our child from us? No. (although I can name some "devout" people who would disagree with that)... BUT -- I DO believe that God used this situation in my life to bring good and glory to Him.

 

I was broken... I needed to be put back together. The question was how?

 

It happened one night before bed... I felt the call. God had been working on my heart... come to me... come to me and find peace... I was finally ready. I was ready to listen. I was ready to learn. I had become fascinated with Heaven. I knew that my child was there. I read every book I could find about people's experiences with heaven. (For example: Heaven is for Real, 90 Minutes in Heaven... etc) Mike, wanting to help and knowing the avid reader that I am, bought me several books on healing after a loss like we had suffered, but at that point the wounds were too tender. I would get 5 pages in and then break down, close the book and put it back on the shelf. But Heaven... yeah, that was something I could wrap my mind around. It was so comforting. MY child... born to heaven. In the arms of the great caretaker... if I died tomorrow would I join him? I wasn't so sure of the answer.

 

Prior to all this I would've said yeah, I'm going to heaven... but then I began to realize how lost I was. I was so uncertain. I had been saved and baptized at 13... I was 26 at the time of our loss, with my 27th birthday only a week after, but I was still an infant in my christian life... it was time to do something about that. First things first... I needed to verbalize the commitment.

 

So back to that night... I got down on my knees. I cried, I didn't have many words but somehow I knew God knew what was in my heart. I was being held... this IS what it is to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life... and you survive .... YOU SURVIVE ... if hope is born of suffering ... if the is only the beginning ... can we not wait? for one hour?! watching for our Savior? ... I was watching for our Savior. I needed a Savior. I needed him now...  not only now but every day. "God... please help me... please save me... I make this (re)commitment to you now, help me learn, help me grow... help me survive." And the promise was... when everything fell... we'd be held. Held by The Savior. Never leaving us. Never forsaking us. That is His promise. That is His promise to me and to you and to everyone you know. Whether you accept it or not. He is there, watching... waiting... and loving you every second of every day.

 

"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have tribulation; but take heart... for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

 

I was committed to following God. To trusting God. I had been through so much... and yet, I was about to really be tested on this recommitment... and my faith (though it was small at this point...) lucky for me, God didn't care how small my faith was, he was just happy I had some... "And He said to them, 'Because of your little faith, for truly I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you would say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. Have you ever seen a mustard seed?! It is TINY!! And that was the size of my faith at this time... I did not tell anyone about this recommitment for a while, it was even a while before I told my husband. It was personal. There were only two people that needed to know at that time, myself and God.