Friday, September 12, 2014

Standing on the Brink

For weeks and weeks I have tried to put an update together, but I just couldn't. First I blamed it on pregnancy brain... and then, lack of motivation... but here it goes. A lot of updates and a look into my mind.

I sit here on the brink of a new beginning. In just two days I will be 30 years old, a fact that makes me both cringe and rejoice at the same time. I don't think I would do my twenties over again, if given the chance. I also sit here just four short weeks away from meeting our son Caleb.

You aren't doing the math wrong, today I am 35 weeks pregnant. Several weeks ago I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes, because of this- our little man will be here on or before our 39th week, our due date is now October 10th. All in all it hasn't been a devastating diagnosis, although at first I was shocked and upset, just a few minor dietary changes and a slightly increased exercise regimen, I have been able to keep my blood sugar normalized without medical intervention such as insulin injections or oral medications. Our little man still has some effects from the disease though. Diabetic babies are typically large, they receive mom's extra blood sugar (which crosses over from the mother through the placenta, and with baby's pancreas also working in overtime) the extra glucose is stored as fat. So our little big man, has a fat belly. In your mind that sounds cute right? Well... yes I'm sure he will be, but it also means, based on the ratio of his stomach size to his head size, we will be having a planned C-section both for his safety and my own. (If you would like to read more about the risks and why we've already made this decision, you can look up shoulder dystocia- if we try to have him naturally there is a great risk that he would become stuck at the trunk/shoulders... which can lead to terrible consequences that we aren't willing to risk).

I promise to update you when we have an official date of arrival- or if anything were to happen before then. :)

Back to the story...

One thing I've had trouble wrapping my mind around: Many people look at us now as a "healed" family. A family whose dreams are finally becoming a reality, which they are... they absolutely are. Here is the part people aren't aware of: Because I'm pregnant, people automatically assume I am finally "healed" emotionally from our losses and infertility. Some act like they ever even happened. The truth is, with each growing week of increased movement and awareness of the life that will soon be in our arms... I have become acutely more aware of just how much life we lost with our sweet babies in Heaven. This also makes me more grateful than ever for this little guy... but it also brings up feelings of guilt for the ladies I know who are still suffering. I sit here, enjoying my pregnancy... still hurting for them, suddenly fertile but still with an infertile mindset. It just isn't something that you get over. It becomes a part of you, not a part that is expressed every single day... not something that keeps you from getting out of bed or keeps you from experiencing the joy of love and new life... it just remains, like a faint scar... that you can see and feel... but the world does not.

So many emotions.

So complicated....

So few appropriate words to accurately describe our feelings.

You can see my posting dilemma.

I will say this, we are doing fantastic. Despite the diabetes... our health has really been wonderful. These last few weeks are (I can already tell) physically the hardest... the demand on my petite body *literally* grows more every day, between muscle spasms, swollen legs and all the other lovely things that come with carrying a fat little baby... but the payoff will be amazing. This is us today, exactly 35 weeks pregnant. Every day, one step closer to living the dream...

I am seeing both my normal obstetrician and a high risk doctor. We are in excellent hands. My biggest prayer request is that we make it as close to 39 weeks as possible for Caleb's lungs to fully mature, the last thing we want is for him to be in the NICU... but we will cross that bridge if we get to it. Here's what you really want to see, a look at our chubby little/big man. Oh how I can't wait to kiss those cheeks.

Looking back, I really can't believe what I thought my thirties would look like when I was a mere 20 years old. It feels like a lifetime ago. Quite honestly I thought I would be like my mom and would be done having children by 30. That thought just makes me laugh now. That was before I knew what suffering for love really was. That was before the battle began... Sometimes things take quite a bit longer than we anticipate. My husband was so worth the wait... I thought I would be married well before I actually was. Thankfully I waited until it was right. And getting to finally hold one of my children?! I can barely wrap my mind around how amazing it will feel.

Thank you everyone for your continued prayer... thank you for celebrating with us, we have received many gifts from so many people that love Caleb so much already. We are so blessed.... so incredibly blessed.

So here is to 30! Here is to Caleb, our miracle... and here's to you, our prayer warriors. We love you all so very much.

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