Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Goodbye My Darling

I woke up Monday morning knowing something was wrong. I didn't know what. I couldn't put my finger on it... but I could feel it. I went to the restroom, then I saw it.... blood. Old blood... so we assumed it was from the resolving hemorrhage. Then the cramping began. I got to work where I decided to look for a heartbeat on our little butterbean... and I couldn't see it. I called the doctor and went in on my lunch break for stat labs to be drawn... I never asked the results. On my way home that day I went by our other office where our good ultrasound machine is... Mike met me there and we scanned. There on the screen was our perfectly shaped baby... with it's perfect little head and body and arms and legs... but it wasn't moving. I could see it's perfect little heart... I could see that that perfect little heart was no longer beating for us.

When the nurse called with our blood results I told her what I had seen... then the labs no longer mattered. Our baby had gone to heaven.

We went to the doctor yesterday morning to confirm my findings... I have never wanted to be so wrong in my entire life. But the nightmare continued to unravel before our eyes. Our beautiful perfect third little angel.

I don't have any answers for you as to why this happened, our doctor was just as surprised as us. The ultrasound tech that did my scan cried... the doctor cried... no one can tell us why this has happened.

We were quickly scheduled for a D&C that afternoon. It would just be too traumatic to miscarry twin sacs with a  10 week fetus naturally. So we opted to have this procedure done.

I was, thankfully, knocked out for the procedure... it was at the same surgery center where we had our retrieval and our implantation. It did not take long... for those of you wanted to know more about this procedure please google it... the short story is they dilate your cervix and remove the contents of your uterus. Mike has been with me the entire time... minus the 30 minutes I was in the surgery room.

We are doing... okay. I say that carefully because while I am not deep in the depths of depression where I cannot face anyone... I am completely and utterly broken. I want my child. I want all of my children... and it just feels so wrong. I cannot even put into words the pain I feel in my heart right now. I can barely wrap my mind around what has happened. One minute I was deliriously happy and pregnant... and the next I am drowning in my worst nightmare. I just cannot believe we are here... again.

Please pray for us my friends.

I am on pelvic rest for a few days... no real activity, just a lot of sleeping and crying... and walking around the house some.


My dear child,
Mommy and daddy don't understand why you had to leave us... maybe the desire to be with your siblings was just too much to pass up. We are so heartbroken without you here. They removed your little body yesterday and I've felt so empty since then. Mommy will be okay one day... I know we will be together again in Heaven. I hope you are having fun with your siblings... but I miss you so incredibly much... more than you could ever imagine. I will never stop loving you my child. I desperately do not want to have to tell you goodbye... but you are already gone. So I will just say, see you soon my love. I know you are safer with our Heavenly Father than you would ever be with us, but we wanted you SO BAD! I cry whenever I think of you... I just don't understand what happened, I tried my very best to take care of you and give you everything you needed, I am so sorry if I fell short of what you needed. There was never one second that I wasn't happy when you were with me. I will cherish that time together for the rest of my life. I miss you... I miss you so incredibly much.

God... please take care of my babies...

forever loving all three of you, our dear children...

mommy and daddy

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Enough of the Hurt.. Let's Talk About The Healer

1 John 5: 14-15 And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.

This last week or so has been trying. I have spent SO many hours in prayer, praying for healing of our hematoma... for our little one to be okay and to grow since the growth was behind at our first official appointment. I've sang the song "The Hurt and the Healer" by mercy me about a thousand times, sometimes just in my head.

So here I am
What's left of me
Where Glory meets my suffering...
I fall into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the Healer collide
Just keep my  eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through!
So here we are, 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant... already feeling so blessed because this is more pregnant than we ever made it to previously... Stomach already expanding due to my very small frame : ) I thought it would take me longer to get a little "bump"... nope, it's here... happily the biggest my stomach has ever been, I can't wait to see it even bigger!
I still have had no spotting whatsoever. This is what I've been most afraid of this past week, that the bleeding would start... and then not stop. Thankfully, that was not the case.
Our doctor's appointment today could not have gone any better. Before we saw the doctor we had our ultrasound... and there wiggling on the screen was a perfect little gummy-bear shaped baby. Measuring nearly normal now at 8 weeks and 3 days. That's a lot of growth in barely over a week. Exactly what we were praying to see. What's even more amazing? My subchorionic hemorrhage is nearly gone. It's tiny now, which means my body has just absorbed it... and I didn't have to pass any of the blood : ) It's still possible to have spotting now with a small bleed but not as likely. Baby's heart rate was 173... must have been all the hot sauce I ate at lunch. There our baby was... wiggling away, looking very happy and at home... shaking those little tiny arms and legs.

After the ultrasound we met with our RE one more time. He was thrilled with our progress... he said "man that baby is really catching up!!" to which we responded, "yeah we gave it a really stern talking to about picking up the pace." ; ) We looked so good in fact that he is cutting my esterase (estriadol) dosage in half to only once a day. We will continue the Crinone (progesterone) and the single dose of esterase for about two weeks or so... until the placenta fully takes over. He wants us to come in one more time in two weeks for another ultrasound, just to be sure we are 100%, but he already told me to make an appointment with our regular OBGYN for 2-4 weeks from now.
Other than a string of splitting headaches and a lot of nausea, I feel fantastic. So incredibly happy... so incredibly blessed. Healing is so amazing... physically and emotionally. I still miss my other babies, but it feels so amazing to be pregnant. I cannot thank all of you enough for your support and prayers. We are overjoyed. Please pray things continue this way!

How glorious our Healer is. All praise to the Lord!!


Dear Little Butterbean,

Mommy and daddy are beside ourselves with joy after such good news today. Boy how you have grown so fast!! We are so proud! Thank you so much for holding tight to me! God is so good, I cannot wait to tell you to your face how much of a miracle you are. I promise to do the best I can carrying you... it is my greatest honor. Seeing you wiggling for us on that ultrasound screen made us giggle and almost cry, though I managed to keep it together in front of the doctor. He gave us the biggest hugs before we left, I hope one day you get to meet him, he really is an excellent doctor. Mommy and daddy have had a lot of fun joking with him. He wants to see you again in two weeks and then you will see mommy's regular doctor... so keep doing well... keep growing!! Keep holding on!! We completely adore you my love! You will never know how grateful mommy is for you... I thank God for you every minute of every day... and I will for the rest of my life.

With all the love in the World,
Mommy and Daddy