Share the Sacrifice

If you're a close follower, you've noticed I haven't posted too much since our miscarriage. I have been in a battle with myself. A battle against negativity... a battle against depression and thoughts of worthlessness and sorrow and guilt. Thoughts that you know aren't true but you feel them sometimes anyways. This has not been an every day battle, this has been a "kick you when you don't expect it", "trip you when you're looking up kind" of battle. Overall I would say I was doing well with this... but for some reason the last few days have been hard. Part of this may be due to the fact that I had my first period since our D&C (surgery to remove our miscarried babies). Part of this may be due to the fact that several people have made pregnancy and gender announcements... people that I love and care for and am so very happy for (people that know the pain of loss and people that know the pain of infertility). The happiness for them is genuine, they are in my constant prayers. But it leaves a twinge of selfish pain behind. The sorrow of our own children not being with us. The sorrow of not being able to have a shower or a gender reveal... the sorrow of having to start over.

So these thoughts... they would pop in my head mostly when my mind went unoccupied by other things. For instance, I was vacuuming and thinking about the blog, how I should write something... then I began to wonder, does it really even matter? How would putting my pain into words benefit the world? Do I really have to keep doing this? Then I began to talk to God... God, do I really have to keep doing this? You know I didn't want to do it to begin with, and although it was fun when we had good news to share... do I really have to tell them these things? Do I have to share my pain? Can't I just dwell in it and hide in my bed and cry it out like normal people??... The answer was a resounding YES you have to keep doing this, was I not the one who told you to?? And in my head it sounded like Do you really have the nerve to not follow what I called you to do? So I (sullenly) wrote out The Letdown even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Obviously I haven't been writing as much as I should, and I think God has shown me some grace in that area, letting me work a few things out before I was mentally ready to resume the routine. So here I am. Back into the world of the living. Life has just seemed so hard lately. I feel like so many bad things have happened over the years in my personal life and in the lives around me, I just would find myself asking, when is it all going to end already? Can't I just catch a break? Yeah, a lot of these prayers were selfish. A lot of irritation was taken out on my poor, and forgiving, husband. My first period was wretched, so very painful. The doctor said that is basically normal for a cycle after a D&C, so I knew to expect it... but nothing really prepares you to be in pain. So I became snappy and sad and depressed.

Then today happened.

Today was not a great day. I was mulling over the fact that I have to have a repeat sonohystogram (see An Interesting Case for explanation) (to see if maybe I really DO have more of a septum in my uterus and may need surgery to remove it) on Thursday and a repeat of a ton of lab work that I have to be fasting for and won't be drawn until that afternoon. On top of those things, I hurt my neck this weekend and have had a horrible headache and pain shooting through my neck... and did not sleep well last night after going to bed later than normal for a Monday night. I was so moody. There was not enough coffee in the world to make me happy this morning. The work day was fine, until the end of the day. It is always the end of the day when doctors want to work people in for tests, and I get it, the patient is there so yeah let's just do it. I stayed late knowing I will be taking off a couple of hours early on Thursday for my testing... so that part didn't bother me, it's just that my neck was hurting so bad. And all of the patients actually had things wrong with them so the reports took longer to write and consulting with the doctors... and so on. Luckily, I work at the same office as my nurse practitioner and she was able to work me up and get some help (thank you Lord for that).

After a long drive home in traffic and waiting what felt like forever at Walgreens (but was really only about 15 minutes) I was so so so relieved to be home. As I pull into the driveway I see a package on my doorstep... then I began thinking (ugh what did we spend money on that we shouldn't have)... I picked it up, came in the house to let the doggies outside and then noticed the return address. My friend. It was a gift from my friend. A smile immediately arose out of my frustration.

Then I opened the package.

Then I read the letter.

I began to cry.

Then I saw the gifts. ( A book called Footprints, A book called You Changed My Life by Max Lucado... and the elusive darkside skittles, where lime skittles have now made their home) : )

And I cried some more.

This person (who shall remain nameless for theirs is not my story to tell) has become a dear friend to me over the last few months, we have gone through our battle through infertility and miscarriage (her first) almost hand in hand. We were only a few days apart on our schedule and, unfortunately, on our losses as well.

I know she will be reading this and I want to say: You have no idea but those words validated everything I have needed to hear and squashed all of my doubts about sharing our story. You, my dear friend, are an answered prayer to me just as you said that I was for you. She shared with me how sharing our story, our struggle, touched her and caused her to focus more on her faith. I read the letter through the tears in my eyes, I couldn't believe the words. The words written in front of me that I so desperately needed to hear. It's likely, my dear friend, that I will read your letter a thousand times... and thank you and God each time.

Sharing the intimate details of your life to the world is a sacrifice. It makes you vulnerable... it shows your weaknesses... your faults. Part of our human nature is to guard our experiences (at least the bad ones) and keep them to ourselves, to not let the world know we are not feeling 'okay'.

So, my dear friends, I encourage you to share your stories... your pain, your sacrifices... if it helps only one person, doesn't that make telling your story worth the pain of it?

As I re-read her letter something came into my thoughts, a fleeting thought that I have had before but brushed off, unable to fully acknowledge it. If I hadn't miscarried these babies when I had, would I have been able to walk with her through her loss as I did? Would I have been as sensitive? Would I have been as helpful? I would like to think I would have been but there is nothing quite like walking through sorrow and loss together. If the reason for this timing was so that my dear friend did not have to be alone, I am okay with that. Maybe that isn't the reason, but it was an opportunity for God to use me, if I was willing, to help. I am grateful for anything that made her hurt less... or that made the load a little easier to carry. As she was facing her own realities (at a time when I was still facing mine) I felt so sad for her. I didn't want this for her. I wanted to be able to take all of her pain away, but I knew I couldn't. So, I did what I was able. I was there for her... and she's been there for me too. Now we are bonded not only by our pain but by our faith in a loving and merciful God. A God who makes it clear that He can use every situation for good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

 

How beautifully amazing is that? God's words... coming to pass just as He said. I was called to share my story, that is my sacrifice... being vulnerable, putting my heart out there for the world to examine and judge and react however they see fit... just in the hopes that it would help one person. I know that it has. I pray that it continues to help others as well. I am thankful once again for those that reached out to me during our first loss when I didn't know how to deal with it (Thank you again and again, you know who you are).

 

God made the ultimate sacrifice for us, giving His Son to die on the cross so that we may live. We are forgiven... we are loved beyond measure. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. That is the most amazing gift that I have ever received. So, shouldn't we be more willing to sacrifice to help those around us when we can?

 

So today I pray... a prayer of thanks for my dear friend and her kind words that came at a time that I exactly needed... a prayer of forgiveness for any time that I doubt God's callings and timing... and a prayer for strength, that as I continue this journey I keep my eyes on the only One who leads me on a straight and narrow path (no matter how curvy it may feel at times.) Thank you Lord for these blessings.

 



Enough of the Hurt.. Let's Talk About The Healer

1 John 5: 14-15 And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. And if we know that he hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests that we have asked of him.

This last week or so has been trying. I have spent SO many hours in prayer, praying for healing of our hematoma... for our little one to be okay and to grow since the growth was behind at our first official appointment. I've sang the song "The Hurt and the Healer" by mercy me about a thousand times, sometimes just in my head.

 

So here I am

What's left of me

Where Glory meets my suffering...

 

I fall into your arms open wide

When the hurt and the Healer collide

 

Just keep my  eyes completely fixed on You

Lord take hold and pull me through!

 

 

So here we are, 8 weeks and 6 days pregnant... already feeling so blessed because this is more pregnant than we ever made it to previously... Stomach already expanding due to my very small frame : ) I thought it would take me longer to get a little "bump"... nope, it's here... happily the biggest my stomach has ever been, I can't wait to see it even bigger!

 

I still have had no spotting whatsoever. This is what I've been most afraid of this past week, that the bleeding would start... and then not stop. Thankfully, that was not the case.

 

Our doctor's appointment today could not have gone any better. Before we saw the doctor we had our ultrasound... and there wiggling on the screen was a perfect little gummy-bear shaped baby. Measuring nearly normal now at 8 weeks and 3 days. That's a lot of growth in barely over a week. Exactly what we were praying to see. What's even more amazing? My subchorionic hemorrhage is nearly gone. It's tiny now, which means my body has just absorbed it... and I didn't have to pass any of the blood : ) It's still possible to have spotting now with a small bleed but not as likely. Baby's heart rate was 173... must have been all the hot sauce I ate at lunch. There our baby was... wiggling away, looking very happy and at home... shaking those little tiny arms and legs.

 

After the ultrasound we met with our RE one more time. He was thrilled with our progress... he said "man that baby is really catching up!!" to which we responded, "yeah we gave it a really stern talking to about picking up the pace." ; ) We looked so good in fact that he is cutting my esterase (estriadol) dosage in half to only once a day. We will continue the Crinone (progesterone) and the single dose of esterase for about two weeks or so... until the placenta fully takes over. He wants us to come in one more time in two weeks for another ultrasound, just to be sure we are 100%, but he already told me to make an appointment with our regular OBGYN for 2-4 weeks from now.

 

Other than a string of splitting headaches and a lot of nausea, I feel fantastic. So incredibly happy... so incredibly blessed. Healing is so amazing... physically and emotionally. I still miss my other babies, but it feels so amazing to be pregnant. I cannot thank all of you enough for your support and prayers. We are overjoyed. Please pray things continue this way!

How glorious our Healer is. All praise to the Lord!!

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Dear Little Butterbean,

Mommy and daddy are beside ourselves with joy after such good news today. Boy how you have grown so fast!! We are so proud! Thank you so much for holding tight to me! God is so good, I cannot wait to tell you to your face how much of a miracle you are. I promise to do the best I can carrying you... it is my greatest honor. Seeing you wiggling for us on that ultrasound screen made us giggle and almost cry, though I managed to keep it together in front of the doctor. He gave us the biggest hugs before we left, I hope one day you get to meet him, he really is an excellent doctor. Mommy and daddy have had a lot of fun joking with him. He wants to see you again in two weeks and then you will see mommy's regular doctor... so keep doing well... keep growing!! Keep holding on!! We completely adore you my love! You will never know how grateful mommy is for you... I thank God for you every minute of every day... and I will for the rest of my life.

With all the love in the World,
Mommy and Daddy

Another Angel and a Blessing

"God's voice is glorious in the thunder. We can't even imagine the greatness of His power." Job 37:5

So far this pregnancy has been rather uneventful... as far as bad news is concerned at least. But today... today is bittersweet. Today is difficult and happy all at the same time... let me explain.

We had our first trimester ultrasound with our reproductive specialist today, we hoped to see everything beautiful and perfect and be released to an obstetrician. But as you and I both know, in the infertility world, things rarely go perfectly.

We went for our ultrasound before seeing the doctor... we saw two perfect gestational sacs... then on baby A... we did not see the baby... we instead saw an oversized yolk sac and some debris within the sac... and no heartbeat. Baby A has gone to Heaven to be with his or her big brother.

On to baby B... although measuring slightly smaller than our dates (baby is measuring 6 weeks and 5 days and we are technically 7 weeks and 4 days) baby B looks perfect. Little forming parts... heart beating STRONG, 126 beats per minute... sac is growing... yolk sac is perfect.

And then, while evaluating the rest of my uterus and my ovaries... there is a hemorrhage (a bleed in the endometrium) in the left side of my uterus, a small one. The location is a little bit of a relief because it is not near Baby B's gestational sac. The doctor seems optimistic that this bleed will heal itself over time, and does not put Baby B at any greater risk of miscarrying... and the co-twin demise (as he called it) also does not put Baby B at any great risk of miscarrying as well.

So now you see... bittersweet. We are overjoyed for Baby B... that baby is more of a blessing that we deserve, but we are also sad for Baby A. Sad for us, because this baby being born to heaven, really there is no better life than that.

Whether you want to call it a co-twin fetal demise or vanishing twin syndrome (sometimes these terms are used interchangeably), our doctor said it is actually rather common with IVF patients... one embryo (baby) just stops developing at some point... there is no reasoning behind it. The egg was good... the sperm was good... We are not speculating the reason either, I had enough of people doing that with our first loss. Baby A's sac will likely stick around until it becomes compressed by growing Baby B. We do know that losing this baby in the first trimester is actually a better way for this to happen. I use the word better loosely because we never want anything to happen to any of our babies, but like the doctor says, with it happening in the first trimester it doesn't put the surviving twin at any greater risk, but in the second and third trimester it does put the other baby at a great risk for several different complications. Many people that have this happen (without fertility treatments) never even realize that they have miscarried one twin, because there are not the usual signs of miscarriage. No bleeding, very little cramping and most times the sac is not passed. In many cases they go in for their first ultrasound, see twins and when they go back... one twin is just gone... hence the term vanishing twin. Our doctor also gently said that he is more comfortable with me having a singleton pregnancy, for MY health... and I understand that too.

Now for the hemorrhage, these are so very common... I know that... the rational part of my brain knows that when I worked in the hospital, half of the people with first trimester bleeding that I scanned had a subchorionic hemorrhage or hematoma. The not so rational part of my brain is paranoid knowing that this also happened with our first pregnancy. The difference is that this hemorrhage (at least so far) does not affect or touch the sac of Baby B. So I can breathe a little sigh of relief. In most circumstances these places resolve on their own. Statistically 25% of pregnancies have a hemorrhage, many don't even realize it. So far I have had zero bleeding or spotting. Although, the doctor basically told me not to freak out if I did have some... as long as it was dark and only a small amount. Anything greater and I am supposed to call them immediately. The larger the hematoma, the greater risk of miscarriage. For now, our doctor is not too concerned about the hemorrhage. I know to stay hydrated and to kind of take it easy... but for now do not have to be on bed rest.


Here is our beautiful healthy little butter bean...

 

 

And we know... we have two little angels waiting for us when we get to Heaven.

 

Otherwise the doctor is happy with how things look overall. He offered nausea medicine but I'd rather not take it unless I absolutely have to. Now that I know more about what foods this baby likes for me to have and what this baby hates... things have gotten easier. I have a ton of nausea but am not vomiting as much. The doctor suggested that I eat a snack every 30 minutes or so... guess I should just strap a feed bag to my face, I thought that eating every couple of hours was a lot, ha ha. He also recommended taking Dramamine before bed to alleviate evening nausea... I think I will actually try that because I often feel very sick when I lay down. Otherwise I am told to drink lots of water, no problem there as long as it is full of ice, that is my #1 pregnancy crave. : ) I have some mild cramping but nothing crazy, not as severe as period cramps... but my uterus is twice the size as it was 7 weeks ago so a little discomfort is to be expected with things growing! We will be rechecked next Wednesday afternoon to be sure Baby B still looks good and to check the bleed. We aren't sure at this point when we will be released to our OBGYN but I'm grateful to be watched so closely. We will continue on our current medications for now.

 

To go on and answer your first question.... we are ok. We are obviously sad for the loss of baby A but feel beyond blessed to still have one healthy growing heart pounding little baby still in there. We pray constantly for this sweet little lovie to keep thriving.

 

Mourning this loss is rather bizarre... it's bizarre to be so happy for one baby and so sad for the other at the same time. We still feel so very thankful for this blessing. But... I do know that mourning is necessary. This morning I broke into tears telling my parents, but as it sinks in more and more I really am ok. I am very optimistic for our growing butter bean. We cherish any prayers you want to send our way. I still have more tears for Baby A... and I will let those out, but I think it is important for everyone to know that in everything we give thanks to our Creator... our Lord. God does not make mistakes, and whatever the reason for this loss, we know the outcome will be God's plan... and we are more than okay with that. We know that God is with us every single step of the way... he never leaves us... and he never leads us in the wrong direction.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Dear Babies...

 

We love you both so very much. It is important to us that you both know that.

 

Baby A- we are so sad... not for you, but for us... we wished to kiss those toes and tell you all about our journey... but now you know. You are in Heaven and by now have met your big brother. I'm happy for you two to have each other. We feel so blessed to have had you with us for a little while, for us it wasn't quite long enough. We know that you are happy and healthy and perfect hanging out with our Lord and Savior. We don't know why you had to go so soon but we know that God has a bigger plan, and we will forever trust in Him. We will love you forever... and one day, we will all be together... one BIG happy perfect family. We will never forget you my darling child.

 

Baby B- I cannot tell you the joy it brought us today to see your little heart beating so strongly. We know you miss your little sibling but we need you to keep growing and hold tight my love! Mommy and daddy are worried for your health, not that there is anything wrong with you, but we just want you to stick around so badly!! I can already see your little head with your beautiful brain forming... you look so amazing. You already have many people praying for you and loving you so much. Mommy will do her best to take care of you, but it is ultimately in God's hands... we trust Him completely with your life! We love you so much... and we will love you forever... so will your three puppies that are desperate to meet you and play with you too!

 

All mommy and daddy can say is that we love you both beyond measure... and God loves you even more than that!

 

Forever Yours,

Mommy and Daddy

 



 

One Day at a Time

Hello dear friends,

Lots of people have reached out to us asking for current updates... well my second beta was 188, not quite doubling but calculates as a doubling time of 67 hours, normal is between 48 and 72 hours, so we were still within normal limits. My doctor is pleased as long as there is at least a 60% rise in 48 hours, this was a 64% rise. He is happy with our progress. Our first ultrasound won't be until July 29th. Today I am 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.

As far as how I'm feeling... blessed. Very blessed. And nauseated... and tired... and all the other things that go along with pregnancy. I'm so so so very thankful for EVERY symptom!! We are still on progesterone once daily and estriadol twice daily. On my second lab draw my progesterone level was 70, so they decided not to change any dosages.

Early in the morning we will be leaving to go to the beach for an entire week! Perfect timing. Packing has been a chore, none of my clothes fit... and although I shouldn't be showing yet, my stomach stayed swollen after our shots so I look more pregnant than I actually am... which is totally fine, just makes my choices very limited lol. My anxiety level has been... well... difficult to deal with at times. Every twinge, pain or cramp that I have makes me nervous... every time I go to the bathroom I check for blood. Thankfully I have had zero spotting or bleeding. When we get anxious and nervous and scared... all we can do is pray. So that's what we do. Hubs is nervous too... I think with our past, it's simply natural to feel that way.

Overall... we choose optimism. We choose happiness. We choose to enjoy every second of this pregnancy. We choose to love these babies forever. So, we take things one day at a time... sometimes one hour at a time, whatever we can manage.

We are still beyond overjoyed. This is one of the most amazing and wonderful blessings of our lives. We thank God for that every minute of every day.

For now, the beach is calling our name... see you guys next Saturday!

To God Alone Be The Glory

4th of July 2013. What a day for celebration.... while thinking about all those throughout the nation honoring this day, we will be celebrating a little differently this year. We are spending the day giving all glory and honor and praise to our Lord above. When you pour into him... He definitely pours right back out to you... and in His perfect timing, He will answer your prayer. For two years we have prayed... for two years we have struggled... for two years we have been tested and fought back against forces that tried to drag us down physically and emotionally.

Well my friends... I know you are all anxiously awaiting our news...


Our numbers are good! We are officially expecting!!

Don't mind him... I'm pretty sure he's still in shock.

Okay... okay... you caught me... we did a home test first. Patience is not one of my strong virtues... but we are working on that. : )

While we are overjoyed for this... we must stop and thank the One who brought us here... the One that created this life (or lives) within my womb. It is only by God's provision and blessing that we have arrived to this point in our lives.

You see... it doesn't matter how many medications I took... what doctor's I saw... this is all God's work. God gives these doctors the knowledge to help those who struggle... God is the creator of all life. Not an embryologist... not a reproductive specialist... Only God can create life. And ... He has.

It will be several weeks before we know whether we are expecting one baby or two... but honestly we are hoping and praying for two. We fell in love with those little babies as soon as we saw their picture, of course we want them both! We will be happy with whatever God sees fit to give us. This blessing is beyond anything we deserve... this beautiful life is beyond anything we deserve. We cannot thank God enough for all He has done for us and in us over these last two years.

The first trimester is a little scary for us, considering what happened with our first angel baby... but we must put fear aside. We already love these babies so much, they definitely have all of our hearts. Please pray for us during this time... that these babies grow and stick around for a while. : ) But no matter what happens... I will enjoy every second of this pregnancy... even when I have my head in the toilet and my boobs hurt so bad that they wake me up when I move around at night. I thank God for each and every symptom that lets me know our little babies (or baby) are holding tight in there. Our numbers will be rechecked on Saturday to ensure that they are going up... right now my beta HCG is 115, which the nurse said is STRONG positive. They should double every 48-72 hours.

Many people have asked if we whether or not we would announce this pregnancy so early considering our first miscarriage, but I believe this is a huge show of faith for us to step out and make it public. There are so many people rooting for us... praying for us... and we cherish each and every prayer we receive.

Hebrews 4:16
So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Matthew 7:7
Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

So friends... as you are celebrating the holiday with your friends and family today, we ask that you say a special prayer of thanks... every prayer gets answered... every prayer matters. 

I heard a song called "One Drop" by Plumb... it perfectly describes how I'm feeling right now... happy... blessed... amazing.

I need you and you need me
Left alone we will never be who we could be
So take my hand and don't forget
We can do anything together!

Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Come with me now, look and see how
There's an ocean overflowing with our hopes!
So let's jump in and take a swim
You and me yeah, forever!

Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
 Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I need you and you need me
We can do anything together!

 

 

One drop of hope... of love... of faith can change your world or someone else's. It sure has changed mine. Jump in... face your fears... and above all... have faith my friends. God is real and alive and working in you every day!

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

________________________________________________________________

Dear Babies,

I promise to take the best care of you that I possibly can. Hold tight little ones... and even if all you continue to let me eat is chicken lo mein and golden honeydew melon and watermelon jolly ranchers, I promise to never complain... I will give you anything your little forming hearts desire... just try to give me a heads up to the things you hate before they go into my mouth ; ) I will gladly avoid anything you don't like. I don't have enough words to tell you how much your daddy and I love you... but that doesn't even hold a candle to how much God loves you. We are so thankful to Him for creating you and giving you to us. Your grandparents are beside themselves with joy... and your Aunt Annie cried almost as much as mommy did at the happy news. Your uncle Derek will protect you forever and your little cousin Ethan cannot wait to play with you and teach you all the little tricks he has learned to get your way. I think your great-mammaw is more excited than anyone (except us, of course)... you have such a big family that has been wanting you in their lives so badly! There are so many more people that love you so much already... we cannot wait for you to meet all of the prayer warriors that have been constantly in prayer for you to come to be.

Grow strong my darlings. I promise to keep you safe in every way I possibly can... but only by the grace of God can mommy do that... and mommy and daddy are praying for you constantly!

Your daddy found this song and I promised him that I would learn it and sing it to you every single night before bed...

Love,
Your very very very happy Mommy and Daddy... and three puppies that are guarding mommy's tummy every day : )

Keeping the Trust

The thing about being on this journey is that most days are like trying to climb your way up a steep mountain... in the pouring rain... inside a deep dense overgrown forest... with a blindfold on. Yeah, that about sums it up. Today I am feeling emotional. By emotional I mean I have spent a lot of time crying today. I watched Wall-E earlier for the first time. Leave it to Disney to leave me crying when they want you to believe that that sweet little robot has no recollection of his robot love... heck I just cried watching an episode of Food Network Star that I had recorded on our DVR.

Call me hormonal, I suppose... but today I just feel like a mess... at least I can eat. Actually, I can't stop eating today. I'm STARVING. My mother left to go home this afternoon now that I am officially out of my 48 hour bed rest period. I have been eating ever since. I'm still taking it easy, and will probably for the next... oh 9 months, God willing.

This is all part of the roller coaster. I know that. I know that all of these symptoms I have could be withdrawals from the injections or the use of hormones to sustain our little post-transfer babies. I know that I am the type of person to overanalyze any and every symptom I have... that's what I have always done on this journey for two years... but now? I have to make myself stop. Easier said than done when a simple innocent thought can put me into a pile of weepy tears in a millisecond. But I must... I must TRUST.

When I stop... and I pray... I feel the peace. I just have to figure out how to hold on to that peace. The good part of it? God doesn't care how many times a day we come to him and ask him for peace. He loves giving it to us. I also believe He loves when we make it a point to come to HIM for it without trying to find it in other avenues. Don't wear out Google searching for "post transfer IVF success symptoms". Instead... break out that bible. Break out that devotional... you just might find that word you're so longing to hear... like this:

 

This is today's entry from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Yes, Kandie... I stole this picture from you. ; )

My friend Kandie and I are on such similar journeys... it's definitely a God thing that we found each other... so of course we are reading the same devotional. You should definitely check out her blog here.

I know that over the next days and weeks my mind is going to wander to a thousand places and I am going to feel a thousand feelings. The only thing I can control is where I go from here... and I want to go to Jesus.

God... give me the strength... the patience... the protection. I know we are asking to keep our miracle... but that is only in Your hands, we are fully aware of that... and we are fully trusting YOU and only YOU in that.

_______________________________________________________________

Dear babies... I know I've told you a million times already... but I love you so much. Hold tight to me my dears... Let God protect us all... xo

Meet the Kiddos!

Hello dear friends! I'm feeling.... well, pregnant! Today I am officially 2 weeks and 6 days pregnant. I've never been so happy to have my head in the toilet this morning. I know some of you are thinking that is crazy... but when I was pregnant with our first, I had symptoms way super early, so this feeling is a very welcome feeling, yet not a surprise.

Yesterday was our implantation. We arrived at the surgery center at 9:45... the worst part was feeling like my full bladder was going to explode before I was able to empty it at precisely 11:53. We had yet another wonderful doctor doing our transfer, Dr. Kutteh. We have officially interacted with everyone now... and everyone has been wonderful. I changed into a gown when we arrived and hubs changed into scrubs so he could go into the procedure with me. Side note... he was really good looking in those scrubs.

After Dr. Kutteh came in and introduced himself and went over our case to be sure he had it all straight, he then gave us the most beautiful picture I had ever seen. Our babies.

 

 

Aren't they amazing!? I'm so in love with them. I was in love with them before I even saw them... but now that I have this picture to look at... I can't even put it into words. I held the picture against my heart throughout the entire procedure. Dr. Kutteh let us watch the whole thing on the ultrasound screen. The only hiccup was when I started bleeding after he cleaned my cervix. Thankfully the bleeding was not from my cervix or uterus but from my previous retrieval site. He said it was okay, not to worry if I saw some spotting at home... he "doctored" the area and said it looked fine. Otherwise, he said the procedure could not have gone more perfectly. The fluid I had seen in my pelvis before was gone. : ) My ovaries are still huge... but that is totally normal!

 

The procedure itself was not too uncomfortable. My legs were loosely strapped into soft stirrups and a set of forceps were used to clear the way much like a physical exam. He then cleaned my cervix with a sterile solution. The procedure was done with ultrasound guidance transabdominally (scanning from my stomach using my full bladder as a clear window to clearly visualize my uterus). A soft catheter was loaded with a transfer medium that contained our two little babies. The catheter was then inserted through my cervix into the proper position in my uterus. We could see the little bubble go through on the ultrasound and just like that... our babies were home. The catheter was then removed and my legs unstrapped and put in a more comfortable position.

 

Afterwards we were left alone for about 30 minutes, laying on the tilt table... with my full full bladder.... but all I could think about were my sweet babies, finally where they belong. Mike held my hand and we prayed... we cried... and we prayed. The doctor said sometimes the babies attach in minutes, sometimes hours... sometimes days. The best relief? Getting to go to the bathroom afterwards!!

 

We are hoping by now that those sweet little ones have burrowed in and made themselves at home. I am on strict bedrest for 48 hours. Easier said than done. It's been really hard to stay comfortable with only getting up to use the restroom. My back hurts from laying around... I'm not a big napper... but ANYTHING for my babies. I just have to be careful not to roll over onto my stomach when I sleep, which is usually my favorite sleeping position. And hydration is a MUST!

 

I am continuing my progesterone gel, Crinone, daily. The doctor also added on estriadol tablets twice daily. The lining of my uterus was still not as thick as they would have liked it to be, but the tablets (taken vaginally) should help thicken it up and make a "fluffy bed" for the babies, as the doctor put it.

 

All in all I am feeling good... I'm definitely feeling happy. My mother is here to take care of me while hubs is gone to work... and other than the nausea... I'm great. Restless... but great.

 

We did receive one down note yesterday... the majority of the rest of our embryos had stopped or slowed down in growth. The embryologist told us before the procedure that we might not have any to freeze for the future. We prayed for that also... and in true amazing form... God always comes through. I received a call this morning saying that two of our little babies had greatly improved and made it to freeze... keep the miracles coming. <3

 

I will go on July 4th to check my Beta HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) and will hear back from that the same day... until then, I was only instructed to grow those babies!!

 

GROW BABIES GROW!!!!

 

Psalm 37: 3-5 Trust in the Lord and do what is good... Take delight in the Lord and he will give you your heart's desires... commit your way to the Lord, trust in HIM and He will act!!

 

Side Note: One thing I love about these doctors? Answering all our questions... they never say "if the babies stick" or "if you may be pregnant" they say "You ARE pregnant" and "WHEN the babies attach"... it just puts such a positive spin on things. And it is so comforting that their confidence is contagious. I love that about them.

Waiting To Meet Our Miracles

Saturday morning I was awoken with a call from our embryologist, or as I like to call him... the babysitter. He had excellent news. Out of our 21 fertilized eggs we had 6 embryos in excellent condition and 5 in average condition. The embryologist was very thrilled, he said these were excellent results. He then said the rest were below average or fragmented (read not developing properly). I spent the rest of Saturday on the couch resting... only doing a couple of things around the house. I was still feeling the effects of the retrieval.

Sunday was the longest day ever. Our babysitter told me he would not be calling me that day, not because they weren't there, but because it is best to leave the babies in the incubator with the least disturbance as possible. Whatever is good for our little darlings! I was still sore... so Mike let me slept in. I hated missing church, but I knew it would be difficult to get up and around in a brisk manner. Showering felt like a job. I was exhausted before I even got my hair completely dry.

Although I still wasn't feeling too great... I had developed cabin fever. Big time. We planned to go to an afternoon movie with hub's best friend and his awesome girlfriend and then to an early dinner. We saw World War Z. Zombie movies are not hub's favorite genre, so I was surprised by the choice. I actually really enjoy these types of movies and books... I know it's weird. I blame that on being partially raised by my brother. : ) I will say this however... nothing will get your mind off of your anxieties better than watching a bunch of people try to save the world from a zombie virus.

I slept horribly last night. It was not due to the movie... when I have bad dreams they tend to be way more realistic than zombies. As I tossed and turned... I began to pray. I prayed for healing. I prayed for our little embies growing in their incubator... I prayed for good results... I prayed for our future. I prayed for God's will and OUR understanding of that will. That is the most important part of all of this... following God's plan for our life. That is when the blessings flow, and boy are they flowing.

I got the call from our babysitter this morning. He was joyful as always, which instantly put me at ease. He said he peeked at our little eggos today and they are developing into blastocysts... right on track!! I cannot wait to see them tomorrow. I will arrive at the surgery center at 9:45 in the morning and the procedure will occur by 10:45. I will be given a valium before the procedure and lay on the tilt table for 30 minutes after the transfer. They plan to transfer 2 embryos.

Because of my estriadol levels before retrieval being over 4000 I have been at a high risk to develop OHSS which would build up fluid in my pelvis. The good news is that I haven't had any symptoms of this... I haven't had any weight gain, my abdomen is not distended and I have been urinating frequently (come on nothing is TMI by now). The doctor says these are excellent signs for everything to go smoothly. HOWEVER, if they get in there tomorrow and see too much fluid they may only transfer one embie. We are praying that doesn't happen. There is a much higher success rate with two transferred, plus that is our plan... that is our path. I feel it. With my curiosity peaked, I did scan myself today... and I do have some fluid in my pelvis... I'm hoping that is just a post surgical reaction and it won't be enough to put a damper on anything. It wasn't a large amount... I don't even look or feel bloated.

To work off some nerves. I cleaned the house when I got home... although it wasn't too dirty. I just know that coming home to a clean house tomorrow will make me feel more at ease. Whatever works right? I love a clean house... it calms me. I put clean sheets on the bed, since I won't be leaving them after we get home tomorrow until Thursday afternoon. I will be on strict bedrest for 48 hours when I get home. By strict I mean I am allowed bathroom privileges and am allowed to walk from the bed to the couch. That is IT. I am not allowed to get up and do ANYTHING. Hubs will be working from home tomorrow afternoon and after that, my sweet mommy is going to come stay with me so he can go to work Wednesday and Thursday.  : )

We went last night to stock up on snacks that I might want or need if I'm feeling sick. It's really hard to plan what you are going to want when you can't do anything... but we tried.

So tomorrow is the big day. I feel like it has been a long time coming... it really does fly by once you start the medications. It feels like just yesterday we were meeting with Dr. Ke for the first time.

I'm so excited. I'm so happy. I can't wait to see pictures of our little babies. I feel pretty at ease right now, although I anticipate not sleeping much tonight... much like a little kid waiting on a visit from Santa Claus. Now that everything is in order... all I can do is relax. And pray. Pray pray pray.

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Dear Babies,

I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Our little ball of cells that are our miracles. We have been looking forward to this for so long. We have constantly been dreaming of you and your brothers and sisters that are growing along side of you. Mommy has done her best to do everything right for you to be healthy and happy. Tomorrow two of you will be transferred into mommy's uterus. PLEASE make yourself at home. PLEASE stick around. I know you are anxious to meet your older brother in Heaven, but we would really really love it if you would stay with us for a while. We are anxious to meet him too... maybe you already have met him... because we know you came straight from God's heart and into our world. We hope everything goes well during the transfer and the following months... But we want you to know that if anything should happen, and you get called home early... we love you. We will cherish every second we get to spend with you on this Earth, whether it is a few days or many many years. You are now and always will be our miracle babies. We love you. Forever... in this world and the next.

Forever Trusting in Love,
Mommy and Daddy (and your 3 puppies waiting to kiss your face and love you forever too)

Witnessing a Miracle

How many times in your life do you realize that you are witnessing a miracle as it is happening? Often times it is realized after we looked back... we don't even know it is happening, often it is too hard to see the big picture as you are living through the difficulty.

My friends.... we are living through a time of miracles. And you all are our witnesses.

When we went through our injection training, Mike asked the nurse how many good mature eggs was our doctor hoping to retrieve from me. Her answer? 8. His hope for us, to give us a good chance of success... with everything that is "wrong" with my ovaries... their answer was 8 good healthy mature eggs.

Yesterday was our retrieval. I didn't feel nervous, although my heart rate of 115 gave me away... honestly I felt excited. Most importantly, I felt in peace. We didn't speak much on our way to the surgery center. I spent the entire time, in my head, in prayer. I prayed for peace and I immediately felt it. I felt all of your prayers being lifted up for us. My mother met us there... and I was ready to go! I was still hurting from my full ovaries but I knew that was a good sign that they were so full.

The nurses of East Memphis Surgery Center were amazing. Everyone went out of their way to be nice and encouraging. Everyone we met was great, the anesthesia doctor and nurse, the pre and post op nurses... and our new doctor. Our regular doctor had a very valid reason for being out of town... his daughter was graduating college. HELLO of course he had to be there! Dr. Brezina would be our doctor for this procedure and possibly for our transfer depending on the date. I know people who see him so this change in plans did not worry me at all. He was well up to date on our case. He was kind and open... just what you want from someone who is about to do a surgical procedure on me. He told us the ins and outs one more time, the risks (of course) and made us feel completely comfortable. As we walked to the surgery room and I said goodbye to my husband and my mother... he even laughed at my silly joke to my husband... He was off to give his sample upstairs, to which I replied "Do me proud Mister." The doctor burst into laughter and I immediately liked him even more for thinking I was funny. ; )

I remember being strapped down to the table (just my legs, it was not uncomfortable). I remember an oxygen mask being put on my face... and I remember the nurse anesthetist saying "this may burn a little." It did not... and I was out. I felt nothing from the procedure, I don't even remember them moving me from the surgical table to the recovery stretcher. Next thing I knew, I was just awake. I felt like I had a really good night's sleep... but I was VERY sore and VERY thirsty. I downed the glass of ginger ale they gave me in about 20 seconds. I was given some pain meds after asking about my pain level. Dr. Brezina came around the corner next smiling from ear to ear... I knew this had to be good. "We got 30 eggs," he said. Wait... what?? 30?!? "These are amazing results," he said. I'll say they are.

Keep in mind that on Tuesday we had 25 good sized follicles... and it goes like this... Not all follicles contain an egg... not all eggs will be mature... not all mature eggs will fertilize and not all fertilized eggs will mature. Keep this in mind from here on out. I wonder how many follicles matured in the day and a half before our surgery! Amazing, amazing results... based solely on God's blessing and power. I think he likes showing off sometimes. ; )

My mother and husband were given my discharge instructions. From there Mom took me home to babysit me and hubby went to work. She made one of my favorite meals... eating was thankfully not a problem. I was comfortable when I got home, slept in bed for a while. Mom went to get my pain meds. I woke up starving while she was gone and moved to the couch. I ate and passed out about 5 minutes afterwards. I slept for hours but was unfortunately awoken in bad pain. We had inadvertently let the medicine wear off. It wasn't too bad if I laid still with a heating pad. Really the worst part is moving around or going to the bathroom. The filling and emptying of my bladder moves my ovaries around, so it's a before and after pain. The bleeding hasn't been too bad, it gets less and less as time goes by... exactly as it is supposed to.

Last night wasn't too great. I'm so overly emotional. I don't know if it is the hormones or withdrawals from all the shots or the discomfort... or if the emotional impact of all of this is catching up with me. I'm crying a lot. But all in all I feel okay... just that my body is going crazy lol. I take that as a natural response. The doctor says my level of pain is not abnormal, due to the fact that "he stabbed my ovary over 30 times". His words...

I have read and re-read all of the retrieval letters that were given in our basket of love from our friends. The love you guys have for us is just overwhelming.

Now for the news you all are waiting on. I spoke to the embryologist this morning.

Out of the 30 eggs that were retrieved, 22 were mature enough to use.

Out of the 22 eggs that were mature enough to use, 21 fertilized!

Now, keep in mind, not all fertilized eggs will keep growing and developing into embryos...

All we can do, and all we ask of you, is to keep praying. This is the power of prayer! This is a time for miracles. Watch it unfold before your eyes as we are!

Praising God continually! To God ALONE be the glory!

.... for now... I'm going back to bed. : )

We love you all!

We should hear more tomorrow from the embryologist, they will decide whether to do a 3 day transfer (on Sunday)  or a 5 day transfer (on Tuesday). Today is counted as day 1. Retrieval day was counted as day 0. The transfer date depends on how healthy the embryos look and how they are developing. We will transfer 2 embryos at that time. We hope for a 5 day transfer, because our doctor believes there is a greater chance of healthy implantation on day 5... but we know that God is the one in control... it will happen in His time, on His terms. We are okay with wherever and however He leads us.

Stay tuned...

Almost There!

I know... I know... I said I would post Sunday with our update... here's my excuse: We went from the doctor to breakfast, then to church which was an extended service for a meeting, then to lunch (because it was after 1:00), then to take Hubs to see Superman for Father's Day and finally... home. By the time we got home I was so uncomfortable and achy from sitting through all that, I just wanted to go to bed. That is precisely what I did as soon as I took my shot for that night. That night we went down to 125 IU per night on my follistim. I had about 20 good size follicles on Sunday. Since then... we have continued the menopur and ganirelix at the same dosage.

I am happy to report that today is my last day of shots! My poor bruised and tender stomach is grateful! I have responded beautifully to the regimen they had me on. This morning... I had more than 25 good looking follicles. A few of those are larger than the "ideal" size but they are all around the same... 1.8 cm is ideal, this is the size of the majority of my follicles with a few 1.9-2.0 cm ones... we pray they are ALL healthy.

Tonight I take my HCG trigger shot, Novarel, which will finalize the maturation process of my eggs. This shot is taken in the hip, intramuscularly at precisely 7:30 pm. I am actually looking forward to it because that mean I am DONE with injections!! Tomorrow, as soon as I get up, I will take a UPT (urine pregnancy test) which should be positive. If it is not, this is an issue and I will have to call my doctor immediately... I didn't ask what the next step would be then... because I honestly feel like we have made it this far, I have the faith for the next step! Tomorrow night before bed I am to take one valium and get a GOOD night's sleep!!

Thursday morning we will arrive at the surgery center at 6:30 am. My mom is selflessly giving us her time so she can take care of me afterwards and let hubs go to work. : ) We are beyond grateful for her being there for us!

The side effects haven't gotten too much worse on these meds. The headaches have been a bit more intense. Really, the worst part now is the achiness from my ovaries. They are so engorged at this point that they literally hurt whenever I move. It is close to impossible to find any sort of comfortable position to sit or lay in... I am SO ready for Thursday. I'm sure on that day I may be a bit nervous about being put to sleep... but right now I can't wait! We will know right after the procedure how many eggs they were able to retrieve from the existing follicles.

I was also given permission by my BFF to read all of the "retrieval" letters I received before bed tomorrow night. : ) Another thing to look forward to!

For anyone wondering what an egg retrieval consists of... read on.

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The retrieval process:

First and foremost... I will get an IV and I will be knocked out! And I'm thankful for that!

The procedure is done with a transvaginal ultrasound probe which is attached with a biopsy needle and catheter to "suck out" the follicles. The wall of the vagina is perforated on each side by the needle and the transvaginal imaging is used to guide the needle. Not every follicle will be accessible, but they will get as many as they can.

Next, under a microscope, the embryologist will evaluate the fluid and find the egg within. Then he will determine which eggs look healthy and mature enough to fertilize. This morning also, Hubs will give his "sample" which will be used to fertilize my eggs.

I was told to expect to be pretty sore after the procedure, along with some cramping... possible some light vaginal bleeding from the procedure. After the procedure I will be given antibiotics to avoid an infection and oral steroids to reduce any post surgical inflammation. I was also notified today that I will likely be given an estrogen supplement due to the lining of my uterus being thinner than they like to see for implantation. Please pray it thickens up before the big day!!

Faith, Progress and Love

Hello friends! More monitoring today... I went from 10 measurable follicles to about 15! That is egg-cellent news. ; ) Our target date has been delayed a tad... the follicles still aren't quite ready to go. We will have more monitoring Sunday morning. My estriadol went from 803 to 1540, a good jump. We knew once we started the ganirelix it would no longer double.

As far as side effects are going, I cannot differentiate the ganirelix from the menopur for a lot of things, such as dizziness, never ending thirst, fatigue and well... I just feel out of it to be honest with you. Today is my off day which I usually spend cleaning. But now? I clean for about 10 minutes then feel exhausted and out of breath and have to lay down for a bit before I can do much more. It's not awful... just kind of annoying because I lay here bored and when I try to do anything, I can't. But as with everything else I will do whatever it takes. As far as the injections themselves... the ganirelix does not hurt going in... it's only about 10-15 minutes later that the site turns really red, almost rash-like and burns. That only last a few hours before it turns into an area of bruising. My stomach is starting to look like a battle field. Oh and the battery acid? Oh, I mean the menopur. It HURTS... even with icing the area for a while before hand. Given the results we got during the ultrasound, it is SO worth it!

The lining of my uterus looks nice and healthy, just where we want it. The follicles on average are measuring about 14mm now, we need them to get to 18 mm before harvesting. On average they will grow 1-2 mm a day, but with the ganirelix that might be slowed. For now, they are saying our retrieval may happen on Wednesday or Thursday. We will know more after Sunday's testing. Until then... our meds are not changing. We are doing ganirelix and menopur in the morning and 150 IU of follistim in the evening.

I've been more worried about our eggs than I'd like to admit, at least on a subconscious level. First I was afraid I would spontaneously ovulate prematurely before starting the ganirelix. Then last night I dreamed that the ganirelix didn't work and all of my follicles had ruptured and they weren't able to see any eggs when we had the ultrasound. Being afraid is just a natural part of this. Overall I feel pretty calm, at least right now. I'm confident in the direction we are going. I'm confident that the medication is working... I'm confident in the ability of our doctors. Because ultimately it is all in God's hands. If God wants us to be parents, we will be, whether it is by these or other means.

I've been thinking about my husband more and more with father's day rapidly approaching. I hope to be able to give him as many eggs as my body is willing to give up... but there is nothing I could ever do to show my full appreciation for him. He is still faithfully doing all of my injections. He drove me to work on Thursday because he was worried about me driving with the potential side effects of the new injections. I was glad he did. I don't think it would have been safe with the level of dizziness I had yesterday. I know it is hard on him, seeing me bruised and in pain... but he is staying strong for me... he finally opened up about his concerns through this... about me. About how I will react if this is a big fat failure. Honestly, that has been a concern of mine as well. But I will tell you as I told him... this is the truth that I know now that I did not know during our miscarriage. My husband is enough for me to be happy. I want to be a mother. I will always be a mother to our angel baby... but above that, I am a wife. And I cannot imagine a life outside of "me and him". Children will only add to that joy. BUT If it is only going to be us (and all our four legged babies) from here on out... YES I would be devastated and upset... but as long as I have my dear husband. I know I can survive it.

My husband is the one who pushed me in my faith. He is the reason I am the person I am now. He is my rock. He is the love of my life. He is my one and only. I'm doing all of this for us, for our family... for our future. We are going through this together. Hand in hand. Every day. We fight as one. We worship as one. We pray as one. From the day we said "I Do" we became one. For better or for worse. Through infertility and IVF or adoption or anything life throws at us... we walk it together. We fight it out, together. We have faith...we have HOPE together. That makes all things possible... because our hope is in our Lord. The One who brought us together. The One who made us. The One we put our vows before when we became one in his eyes. We stand together on our faith. We hold together through our love.

Stay tuned for more news on Sunday...

Egglets are Growing!

Good afternoon friends! I had an ultrasound and lab work before work this morning. The ultrasound was to see if we had any follicles that were developing nicely that will hopefully contain our little eggies. I was elated to see that we had 10 that were developing to the proper size. 5 in each ovary. There were a few smaller ones on each side that we pray will catch up to the rest. We would like to get as many eggs as possible, because not all eggs retrieved will be viable and not all viable eggs will fertilize... and on that note, not all fertilized eggs will mature into embryos. We really REALLY pray to get enough to freeze. So far I'm having some discomfort in my pelvis, nothing too bad... I guess my ovaries just aren't used to having anything in them. ;) This number is still less than the "normal" person my age, but for us... it's excellent news.

The nurse called this afternoon with my lab work. They are checking my estradiol levels every other day. I was told that a good change would be a doubling in the value. Previously (Monday) it was 280... today it had jumped to 803. We were told this is great progress. This coming Friday I will have another run of blood work and another ultrasound.

Today I felt mostly like myself... that was a welcomed change from yesterday. Yesterday was awful. I felt nauseated... grumpy... exhausted... emotional... you name it. Hubs is still doing my injections. Thank God for that! He's great at it... my bruising isn't too bad so far. Tomorrow might be another story. Tomorrow we go from having 1 injection a day to having 3 a day. In the morning I will start Ganirelix and Menopur. The Ganirelix, which will control ovulation by suppressing my body's natural urge to ovulate, has a nice large neon yellow warning label on the front about headaches... perfect. I don't have enough of those already. I was hoping this medicine would be taken in the evening and I could sleep the headache off... instead it will be taken right before I leave for work, since I go in so early. Menopur will help the maturation process of our follicles. I was warned that this one will burn. Ice has become my very good friend. Tomorrow evening I will decrease my Follistim to 150 IU.

After all the bad news that we have received over the last two years... it was so good to see those follicles pop up today! Our little egglets... that soon may be our children.
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I'm a big fan of Sanctus Real. I saw them a while back at a concert (that was targeted towards youth, but my best friend and I went... and it was awesome). My current favorite song is called "The Redeemer", I feel that it speaks to me so much through this journey... Here's how it goes:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

I loved them so much live, that I even bought this t-shirt at the show... maybe I'll wear it to the retrieval... If I'm not too bloated to squeeze into it ;)

Keeping the faith through this journey has been so trying... but it's still there. I will admit that some days I have less than others, but I've never given up. I cannot and will not give up. Even if this cycle ends in disaster, I know that God has me in his hands... and that he has all our children, past and future, in his hands and heart... and when it is time, He will give them to us. Out of all of the bad feelings, the side effects... the emotional effects... I'm so thankful for what our journey continues to do for my marriage. I continue, more and more every day, to lean on my husband. Even in things like getting my injections from him... it has built up such a huge trust on a very different level than we have ever been on. I'm trying hard not to take out any of my hormonal emotions on him, but let's face it... you just can't control that! He continues to be so patient with me. Making jokes when I'm crying... singing and dancing in our kitchen just to make me laugh. It is awesome.

I have trust that God is taking our problems and turning them into something amazing... something beautiful... and it will be a joy beyond anything we can imagine. Like the song says... trusting Him one day at a time... sometimes that is the best we can do. But I WOULD rather speak honestly. Life isn't always pretty. God knows that. He knows it's hard down here! But He wants more for us. We cannot forget that. He is here. He is walking me through this every day. As long as I keep my focus on God, we can survive anything life throws at us... because He is our Great Protector.

Keeping the faith... one day at a time...

xo