Time to take my own advice, Love ALONE is worth the Fight

Once in a blue moon, you find a song that speaks to your soul. It has a way of uplifting you more than any ordinary words or actions can do. It's the kind of song you put on repeat and play endlessly, when no one else is around (because if someone else was in the car with you and you listened to the same song fifty times, people might think you've lost it). It's the kind of song that trumps any anxiety medicine. It can make you smile through your tears. Currently, this is that song:

 

"Love Alone Is Worth The Fight" -Switchfoot

 

The closer it gets to my surgery, the higher my anxiety level goes. I don't exactly know what I'm afraid of... but my nerves are getting the best of me! So let me break down for you exactly why this song speaks to me so much:

I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases 

Everyone is looking for their own place in the world, we are no different. We know where and what we want to be... that's obvious, parents. That is our desire. We've gotten so close... so close we could taste it. We've gotten pregnant... we've gotten pregnant with twins... we have had a successful IVF procedure... we got so close... we were so happy, so in love with our children. We felt like the fight was over... and yet...

So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice

Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

 

Now we find ourselves back to square one. Starting over. So frustrating. We had it... and it slipped through our fingers. I find that I have been asking myself what would I tell someone else in this situation... keep the faith, stay on the path... even if that path seems to take you back to the beginning. It's worth it. The end result is worth the pain and frustration. That is what I would say. Honestly, I love to give advice. I'm always open to give someone a listening ear and then give my opinion if they asked for it. (Many times in the past I would give anyone advice even if they didn't ask for it, but now I don't recommend this tactic very often). But who likes to take their own advice? It's so much easier to tell someone else what they should do... even if it's not what they want to hear. Once in a blue moon... the person's advice you need, is within you. Listen to the words God gives you that you think are intended for others... maybe they are really intended for you.

 And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is

And it's all an illusion

A 21st century institution

 

Sometimes I look our life and I cannot believe that we have been through so much in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we barely even got to enjoy being married before we were thrown into the cruel world of pregnancy loss and infertility. Sometimes we hurt so much that we can barely even feel the pain... we go into a sort of shock because, surely the weight of it all would kill us. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real. We go to the appointments, we hear the doctor's advice... and we move on with the plan, as long as God provides, we push forward. 

 So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

 

And we push on... with God by our side. We have faith we are on the right path, due to His provisions. Our insurance company should cover our surgery 100%, at least that's what they are currently saying. How could we refuse? If the doctor says he believes it will help future pregnancies... if our insurance is willing to pay for it... we can't say no. The door is open... and we are boldly headed through it. When you are faced with these decisions, surely you do learn what you are made of... I know we have, repeatedly. I feel as if any mother in my situation would do the same. Think about it, if you could do something that might save the lives of your future children, you would do it... right? How can I not? Even if it is just a slight chance of decreasing the odds of miscarrying again, I have to do it! Please don't get me wrong here, I know that God is the one in control of every situation, but He is making provisions for us to have this procedure... He is the one that opened the door, how can we not walk through it? Especially with Him by our side.   

 

We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown

While we are here, we will keep on fighting... we fight for our future children. We fight to honor our children that have gone to Heaven... We fight to spread the word that no matter what happens in life, God is good. God is love. We fight to find our place in life, whether it is what we think it should be or not, we fight to follow God's leading. We sometimes fear the future, we fear the things we are currently faced with (like my surgery) but we believe God will use whatever comes of it for good. We believe that God loves us. We believe that these things aren't happening to punish us or because we deserve it... we may never know the reason, at least not here in this life, but it is for a reason. God has a reason for everything, even when we do not have the answers.

And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

Here we are, here we go
Where the road is our own
Hear it calling you home
Here we are, here we go!
Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

One of the biggest life lessons that my brother taught me, was that we are fighters. We are overcomers. We have seen many battles in our lives, most of which you will never read about... From a young age he taught me that no matter what happens, we are survivors. It is simply what we do. When we are faced with hard times, we brace ourselves... we push through it. He told me this and showed me this so many times that I actually believed it, no questions asked. It became a part of me. No matter what happened, I knew that we would get through it... because there was no other option. He showed me how to have faith before I even knew what faith was. He saved me from so much turmoil by reminding me, we are fighters... we will survive. Now as an adult, I still live and breathe by this. We fight. We overcome. We give the fight everything we've got.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Looking back now, I can see through every situation in which I found myself, God was by my side. God was fighting for me. God has always loved me, well before I ever fully accepted Him. He has always been fighting for me... because  to him, I was worth it. I am still worth it. He still fights for me! He wants my love, and that is enough reason for Him to fight... for me. I am still a fighter... I am a fighter with the grace of God on my side. When you've come so far, what is there to fear? If you are on God's side, there is no reason to fear. He has already overcome the world. Jesus has already paid the ultimate price... so I repeat, if you are ultimately saved, what do you have to fear? No matter what happens in this life, one thing I am sure of is where I will spend eternity, what more is there to worry about?

Love alone is worth the fight!

I want you to know that whatever you are fighting for... it is worth it. God will stand by your side... God will fight for you because your love is worth it. You are worth it.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Fight the good fight... fight for your God. Fight for your relationship. Fight to be with the one you love. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your health. Fight to survive. Fight for your dreams. Fight for your children. Fight to see the beauty in the world. Fight for love...

... it is so worth it.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do... play it loud. :)
 



Share the Sacrifice

If you're a close follower, you've noticed I haven't posted too much since our miscarriage. I have been in a battle with myself. A battle against negativity... a battle against depression and thoughts of worthlessness and sorrow and guilt. Thoughts that you know aren't true but you feel them sometimes anyways. This has not been an every day battle, this has been a "kick you when you don't expect it", "trip you when you're looking up kind" of battle. Overall I would say I was doing well with this... but for some reason the last few days have been hard. Part of this may be due to the fact that I had my first period since our D&C (surgery to remove our miscarried babies). Part of this may be due to the fact that several people have made pregnancy and gender announcements... people that I love and care for and am so very happy for (people that know the pain of loss and people that know the pain of infertility). The happiness for them is genuine, they are in my constant prayers. But it leaves a twinge of selfish pain behind. The sorrow of our own children not being with us. The sorrow of not being able to have a shower or a gender reveal... the sorrow of having to start over.

So these thoughts... they would pop in my head mostly when my mind went unoccupied by other things. For instance, I was vacuuming and thinking about the blog, how I should write something... then I began to wonder, does it really even matter? How would putting my pain into words benefit the world? Do I really have to keep doing this? Then I began to talk to God... God, do I really have to keep doing this? You know I didn't want to do it to begin with, and although it was fun when we had good news to share... do I really have to tell them these things? Do I have to share my pain? Can't I just dwell in it and hide in my bed and cry it out like normal people??... The answer was a resounding YES you have to keep doing this, was I not the one who told you to?? And in my head it sounded like Do you really have the nerve to not follow what I called you to do? So I (sullenly) wrote out The Letdown even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Obviously I haven't been writing as much as I should, and I think God has shown me some grace in that area, letting me work a few things out before I was mentally ready to resume the routine. So here I am. Back into the world of the living. Life has just seemed so hard lately. I feel like so many bad things have happened over the years in my personal life and in the lives around me, I just would find myself asking, when is it all going to end already? Can't I just catch a break? Yeah, a lot of these prayers were selfish. A lot of irritation was taken out on my poor, and forgiving, husband. My first period was wretched, so very painful. The doctor said that is basically normal for a cycle after a D&C, so I knew to expect it... but nothing really prepares you to be in pain. So I became snappy and sad and depressed.

Then today happened.

Today was not a great day. I was mulling over the fact that I have to have a repeat sonohystogram (see An Interesting Case for explanation) (to see if maybe I really DO have more of a septum in my uterus and may need surgery to remove it) on Thursday and a repeat of a ton of lab work that I have to be fasting for and won't be drawn until that afternoon. On top of those things, I hurt my neck this weekend and have had a horrible headache and pain shooting through my neck... and did not sleep well last night after going to bed later than normal for a Monday night. I was so moody. There was not enough coffee in the world to make me happy this morning. The work day was fine, until the end of the day. It is always the end of the day when doctors want to work people in for tests, and I get it, the patient is there so yeah let's just do it. I stayed late knowing I will be taking off a couple of hours early on Thursday for my testing... so that part didn't bother me, it's just that my neck was hurting so bad. And all of the patients actually had things wrong with them so the reports took longer to write and consulting with the doctors... and so on. Luckily, I work at the same office as my nurse practitioner and she was able to work me up and get some help (thank you Lord for that).

After a long drive home in traffic and waiting what felt like forever at Walgreens (but was really only about 15 minutes) I was so so so relieved to be home. As I pull into the driveway I see a package on my doorstep... then I began thinking (ugh what did we spend money on that we shouldn't have)... I picked it up, came in the house to let the doggies outside and then noticed the return address. My friend. It was a gift from my friend. A smile immediately arose out of my frustration.

Then I opened the package.

Then I read the letter.

I began to cry.

Then I saw the gifts. ( A book called Footprints, A book called You Changed My Life by Max Lucado... and the elusive darkside skittles, where lime skittles have now made their home) : )

And I cried some more.

This person (who shall remain nameless for theirs is not my story to tell) has become a dear friend to me over the last few months, we have gone through our battle through infertility and miscarriage (her first) almost hand in hand. We were only a few days apart on our schedule and, unfortunately, on our losses as well.

I know she will be reading this and I want to say: You have no idea but those words validated everything I have needed to hear and squashed all of my doubts about sharing our story. You, my dear friend, are an answered prayer to me just as you said that I was for you. She shared with me how sharing our story, our struggle, touched her and caused her to focus more on her faith. I read the letter through the tears in my eyes, I couldn't believe the words. The words written in front of me that I so desperately needed to hear. It's likely, my dear friend, that I will read your letter a thousand times... and thank you and God each time.

Sharing the intimate details of your life to the world is a sacrifice. It makes you vulnerable... it shows your weaknesses... your faults. Part of our human nature is to guard our experiences (at least the bad ones) and keep them to ourselves, to not let the world know we are not feeling 'okay'.

So, my dear friends, I encourage you to share your stories... your pain, your sacrifices... if it helps only one person, doesn't that make telling your story worth the pain of it?

As I re-read her letter something came into my thoughts, a fleeting thought that I have had before but brushed off, unable to fully acknowledge it. If I hadn't miscarried these babies when I had, would I have been able to walk with her through her loss as I did? Would I have been as sensitive? Would I have been as helpful? I would like to think I would have been but there is nothing quite like walking through sorrow and loss together. If the reason for this timing was so that my dear friend did not have to be alone, I am okay with that. Maybe that isn't the reason, but it was an opportunity for God to use me, if I was willing, to help. I am grateful for anything that made her hurt less... or that made the load a little easier to carry. As she was facing her own realities (at a time when I was still facing mine) I felt so sad for her. I didn't want this for her. I wanted to be able to take all of her pain away, but I knew I couldn't. So, I did what I was able. I was there for her... and she's been there for me too. Now we are bonded not only by our pain but by our faith in a loving and merciful God. A God who makes it clear that He can use every situation for good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

 

How beautifully amazing is that? God's words... coming to pass just as He said. I was called to share my story, that is my sacrifice... being vulnerable, putting my heart out there for the world to examine and judge and react however they see fit... just in the hopes that it would help one person. I know that it has. I pray that it continues to help others as well. I am thankful once again for those that reached out to me during our first loss when I didn't know how to deal with it (Thank you again and again, you know who you are).

 

God made the ultimate sacrifice for us, giving His Son to die on the cross so that we may live. We are forgiven... we are loved beyond measure. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. That is the most amazing gift that I have ever received. So, shouldn't we be more willing to sacrifice to help those around us when we can?

 

So today I pray... a prayer of thanks for my dear friend and her kind words that came at a time that I exactly needed... a prayer of forgiveness for any time that I doubt God's callings and timing... and a prayer for strength, that as I continue this journey I keep my eyes on the only One who leads me on a straight and narrow path (no matter how curvy it may feel at times.) Thank you Lord for these blessings.

 



An Interesting Case

I had just started my first round of fertility medication. I was taking 25mg of clomid for five days. Right after I started the medication I would have my first test, a sonohysterogram (also can be called a sonohys, or a sonohystogram). The reason this test was ordered was that there was a defect in my uterus on a prior ultrasound that my new doctor wanted to see the degree of. I knew this defect was there only because my friend who had done my ultrasound at the previous office showed it to me. Those doctors never even mentioned it, much less that it could cause a problem with me conceiving in the future. But my new doctor was way more thorough... and cautious.

Initially the test was scheduled with the nurse practitioner at my new office who performed these tests quite a bit. When I arrived at the office, I was immediately taken to the secondary waiting room while the sonographer set up the room for my procedure. She took me back, I got undressed and she did a transvaginal ultrasound before the procedure began. I was only slightly nervous about this exam, I had learned about it in school, I knew how things would go... and everyone made me really comfortable there.

A few minutes later the nurse practitioner walked in and said "I'm sorry but I won't be doing your exam today," --oh that's weird, I thought-- she continued "Dr. Williams was able to be here today after all and she would prefer to do the test and see everything herself." I was caught off guard, but in a good way. Oh! Well, great!!

The doctor came in and explained the procedure to me. I wasn't prepared for what she said next. "We have a student studying to be a nurse practitioner here today and I was wondering if you would mind if she and our NP watched?" "No, that's fine, I was a student once too, I understand." So there I was.... in stirrups, spread eagle on this table when the two walked in. "Thank you so much for letting us watch Mrs. Jewell... it's just that you're such an interesting case, we don't get to see cases like this too often." Great... I remember being a student... getting excited about the "interesting" cases. NO ONE wants to be an interesting case however. An "interesting" case means you have something wrong with you that most people don't. I never realized until that moment just how uncomfortable it felt to be that "interesting" case. Especially on a gynecology table where they were face to face with my goodies... But it was what it was. I really didn't particularly mind being the subject their learning experience, however I wished I didn't have to go through any of it. Honestly, I just didn't want anything else to be wrong with me.

Based on previous ultrasounds, they thought I had a partially septated uterus. A septate uterus is a congenital malformation, where the endometrium is split to some degree, this can range from a mild septation to a complete septation. In some cases this causes no problems... but in others it can cause implantation issues, miscarriages, preterm labor, etc...

Initially I was told that this procedure might be a little uncomfortable. Whoever said that has never had this procedure done. It HURT. It was not your normal pap smear speculum. This thing felt like a 16th century torture device. Then the catheter was inserted through my cervix. "You might feel a little pinch"... yeah, I almost came off the table. Tears ran down my cheeks... I wasn't crying, it was just a reaction from the pain. She was so sweet about it though when I told her it hurt. She talked me down and I was OK. The speculum was out and the fluid was about to be inserted. She warned me that I could feel heavy cramping as my uterus filled with saline. Oh boy... I did. They let me watch the screen though, and that occupied my curious mind enough to finish the procedure. All in all, the procedure didn't take too long. When I was done, I was SO uncomfortable. She gave me some Advil and a sprite.... and I waited for a diagnosis. At that point, I wished I had taken Mike up on his offer to take me to this appointment. I was not prepared for how uncomfortable I would be... and I was not looking forward to the 30-45 minute drive home.

After she looked over everything, she brought me into her office to talk to me about a diagnosis. I actually had an arcuate uterus. This was good news. An arcuate uterus is an anomaly where there is only a mild indention in the endometrium, and not a septation.

More good news... I was told this type of mild defect is not commonly associated with reproductive issues, although she warned me that although it is not common, it could become a problem. If it was to be a problem in the future she said it could be surgically repaired. The risk in that instance is that scar tissue can form in its place and theoretically cause the same kind of problem that the arcuate uterus could possibly cause in the first place. So which is the lesser of two evils? We would move on as planned from here on out. I was praising God for this not being as bad as she initially thought. More good news? I had follicles forming within my ovaries on both sides... she said this was a good sign that they were being stimulated by the clomid.

I left very achy... very ready to be home and called Mike and told him (once again) "you were right... I should've let you drive me... that was awful!" But we were both happy for the good news. We were cautiously hopeful that this would not become a future problem. I was exhausted. I went home... took some pain meds, a bubble bath and waited for a new day.