Goodbye My Darling

I woke up Monday morning knowing something was wrong. I didn't know what. I couldn't put my finger on it... but I could feel it. I went to the restroom, then I saw it.... blood. Old blood... so we assumed it was from the resolving hemorrhage. Then the cramping began. I got to work where I decided to look for a heartbeat on our little butterbean... and I couldn't see it. I called the doctor and went in on my lunch break for stat labs to be drawn... I never asked the results. On my way home that day I went by our other office where our good ultrasound machine is... Mike met me there and we scanned. There on the screen was our perfectly shaped baby... with it's perfect little head and body and arms and legs... but it wasn't moving. I could see it's perfect little heart... I could see that that perfect little heart was no longer beating for us.

When the nurse called with our blood results I told her what I had seen... then the labs no longer mattered. Our baby had gone to heaven.

We went to the doctor yesterday morning to confirm my findings... I have never wanted to be so wrong in my entire life. But the nightmare continued to unravel before our eyes. Our beautiful perfect third little angel.

I don't have any answers for you as to why this happened, our doctor was just as surprised as us. The ultrasound tech that did my scan cried... the doctor cried... no one can tell us why this has happened.

We were quickly scheduled for a D&C that afternoon. It would just be too traumatic to miscarry twin sacs with a  10 week fetus naturally. So we opted to have this procedure done.

I was, thankfully, knocked out for the procedure... it was at the same surgery center where we had our retrieval and our implantation. It did not take long... for those of you wanted to know more about this procedure please google it... the short story is they dilate your cervix and remove the contents of your uterus. Mike has been with me the entire time... minus the 30 minutes I was in the surgery room.

We are doing... okay. I say that carefully because while I am not deep in the depths of depression where I cannot face anyone... I am completely and utterly broken. I want my child. I want all of my children... and it just feels so wrong. I cannot even put into words the pain I feel in my heart right now. I can barely wrap my mind around what has happened. One minute I was deliriously happy and pregnant... and the next I am drowning in my worst nightmare. I just cannot believe we are here... again.

Please pray for us my friends.

I am on pelvic rest for a few days... no real activity, just a lot of sleeping and crying... and walking around the house some.

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My dear child,
Mommy and daddy don't understand why you had to leave us... maybe the desire to be with your siblings was just too much to pass up. We are so heartbroken without you here. They removed your little body yesterday and I've felt so empty since then. Mommy will be okay one day... I know we will be together again in Heaven. I hope you are having fun with your siblings... but I miss you so incredibly much... more than you could ever imagine. I will never stop loving you my child. I desperately do not want to have to tell you goodbye... but you are already gone. So I will just say, see you soon my love. I know you are safer with our Heavenly Father than you would ever be with us, but we wanted you SO BAD! I cry whenever I think of you... I just don't understand what happened, I tried my very best to take care of you and give you everything you needed, I am so sorry if I fell short of what you needed. There was never one second that I wasn't happy when you were with me. I will cherish that time together for the rest of my life. I miss you... I miss you so incredibly much.

God... please take care of my babies...

forever loving all three of you, our dear children...

mommy and daddy