Is God Still Good?

God has been working on my heart a LOT. He's also been asking me some really hard questions... questions I don't want to answer... commands I don't want to hear. Such as this:

"I need you to prepare yourself in case a time comes when you find out you cannot have children."

Initially I thought this was just another negative "thought" in my head. Surely I will have one day have a big beautiful swollen belly... and feel the life inside of me... and enjoy every second... and spread the word to the world of God's grace and mercy and His miraculous works... isn't that the whole point of this?? Nope. God has never promised that I would give birth, He has never promised that I will one day carry to term or have a miraculous conception as many stories go. (You always hear of a friend of a friend that tried and tried and failed and then when they gave up... BOOM. Pregnant! Happily Ever After...) Everyone is quick to offer up such stories, but do they really help? Nah. No one wants to talk about the fact that it is a big possibility that I may never physically have my own children. No one wants to hear it... I don't even want to hear it! But... I know it is a very real possibility. Now God is asking me to consider this. The elephant in the room has now been pointed out... and there's no way to get around it. 

So as I am trying to wrap my head around this horrid idea, He hits me with the big question:

"You boast My goodness when things are going in your favor, but if things don't work out like you think they should... if you cannot have children, will you still boast in My goodness? Will you still stand by Me and for Me? Will you still spread word of My goodness if I do not fulfill the desires of your heart in the manner that you want or think they should be fulfilled?"

Well, that'll stop you in your tracks.

When the bottom falls out... we are quick to say "God help me through this." or "God give me strength." or "God please TAKE this!" ... but how many times do we stop and say "God you are so good" ?

How different might our lives be if we stop making requests and start giving thanks above all things. There have been many moments in my sorrow and grieving where God has spoken saying "Can you not see My goodness in your life? Look around you... look how many blessings you have. Look at your church and your family and your husband and your beautiful home and your loving animals... all of these things I have brought into your life to make you happy and feel good. Can't you see how much I love you?"

God, You are so good.

Even in my sorrow, You are good.

Even in my grief, You have never for one second abandoned me.

God is not saying I will never be a mother. He is asking me to prepare my mind for the possibility of a different plan. God is saying- He wants to know that I will stand by him no matter what circumstances come into our lives. I need to learn to thank God for all of His goodness and blessings first, and then ask him to lead my heart to the right place... He always wants us to seek Him first... shouldn't that begin with acknowledging how amazing he is?

A smart man (our preacher) recently said, "God knows exactly the state of our hearts and what we are going through, but we are set up to believe our own lies." God knows everything that is going to happen to us before it happens, and He IS going to help us with through that! He is my strength... He is my strong foundation. I know I've said it before, but God never promises not to give us more than we can handle. He sometimes gives us things only HE can handle, and we must learn just to lean on His strength and understanding... above our own.

We should count ourselves blessed when He asks us to prepare ourselves for things that may come along, to warn us so we aren't blindsided... We must learn to discern God's word from our own negativity. And it is NOT easy... especially if it is something you don't want to hear.

While having lunch with my mother on Friday I begged the question, "mom, when does it get easier?" "What dear?" "Life." "It doesn't," she said. Leave it to mom to be honest with me instead of telling me, oh it's going to be easy before you know it! No, she's honest. She knows I want her honesty. She explained about life being like a roller coaster. The climb to the top is hard, and it takes forever... and once you reach the top where things are easy and beautiful and happy, it feels like it only lasts for a moment... then WOOSH! Down you go. The fall is fast, and the twists and turns are frightening and take your breath away and leave you feeling worn and broken from the whiplash. So what do you do then? You find the steady ground again... and then... you have to work your way back to the top.

God has a purpose, He is doing a huge work in me and in our family. But- I HAVE to be willing to do what HE has planned, and not what I have planned. I know that God's plan will be bigger and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I have to remember that no matter how hard the journey is, He will never abandon me. I also must remember that whatever He has planned, He also has a plan to equip me for it... and I thank Him for that.

So now I am learning to step back, and say in the midst of my grief and sorrow (sometimes even through my tears). God is good... so very very good... and He will use EVERY situation FOR good.

I can honestly say, I do not know exactly what our next step is. BUT- I can say with full confidence that God is preparing us for something amazing.

_________________________________________________________

 

Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. [1 Timothy 4: 7-10]

Goodbye My Darling

I woke up Monday morning knowing something was wrong. I didn't know what. I couldn't put my finger on it... but I could feel it. I went to the restroom, then I saw it.... blood. Old blood... so we assumed it was from the resolving hemorrhage. Then the cramping began. I got to work where I decided to look for a heartbeat on our little butterbean... and I couldn't see it. I called the doctor and went in on my lunch break for stat labs to be drawn... I never asked the results. On my way home that day I went by our other office where our good ultrasound machine is... Mike met me there and we scanned. There on the screen was our perfectly shaped baby... with it's perfect little head and body and arms and legs... but it wasn't moving. I could see it's perfect little heart... I could see that that perfect little heart was no longer beating for us.

When the nurse called with our blood results I told her what I had seen... then the labs no longer mattered. Our baby had gone to heaven.

We went to the doctor yesterday morning to confirm my findings... I have never wanted to be so wrong in my entire life. But the nightmare continued to unravel before our eyes. Our beautiful perfect third little angel.

I don't have any answers for you as to why this happened, our doctor was just as surprised as us. The ultrasound tech that did my scan cried... the doctor cried... no one can tell us why this has happened.

We were quickly scheduled for a D&C that afternoon. It would just be too traumatic to miscarry twin sacs with a  10 week fetus naturally. So we opted to have this procedure done.

I was, thankfully, knocked out for the procedure... it was at the same surgery center where we had our retrieval and our implantation. It did not take long... for those of you wanted to know more about this procedure please google it... the short story is they dilate your cervix and remove the contents of your uterus. Mike has been with me the entire time... minus the 30 minutes I was in the surgery room.

We are doing... okay. I say that carefully because while I am not deep in the depths of depression where I cannot face anyone... I am completely and utterly broken. I want my child. I want all of my children... and it just feels so wrong. I cannot even put into words the pain I feel in my heart right now. I can barely wrap my mind around what has happened. One minute I was deliriously happy and pregnant... and the next I am drowning in my worst nightmare. I just cannot believe we are here... again.

Please pray for us my friends.

I am on pelvic rest for a few days... no real activity, just a lot of sleeping and crying... and walking around the house some.

________________________________________________________________

My dear child,
Mommy and daddy don't understand why you had to leave us... maybe the desire to be with your siblings was just too much to pass up. We are so heartbroken without you here. They removed your little body yesterday and I've felt so empty since then. Mommy will be okay one day... I know we will be together again in Heaven. I hope you are having fun with your siblings... but I miss you so incredibly much... more than you could ever imagine. I will never stop loving you my child. I desperately do not want to have to tell you goodbye... but you are already gone. So I will just say, see you soon my love. I know you are safer with our Heavenly Father than you would ever be with us, but we wanted you SO BAD! I cry whenever I think of you... I just don't understand what happened, I tried my very best to take care of you and give you everything you needed, I am so sorry if I fell short of what you needed. There was never one second that I wasn't happy when you were with me. I will cherish that time together for the rest of my life. I miss you... I miss you so incredibly much.

God... please take care of my babies...

forever loving all three of you, our dear children...

mommy and daddy

Another Angel and a Blessing

"God's voice is glorious in the thunder. We can't even imagine the greatness of His power." Job 37:5

So far this pregnancy has been rather uneventful... as far as bad news is concerned at least. But today... today is bittersweet. Today is difficult and happy all at the same time... let me explain.

We had our first trimester ultrasound with our reproductive specialist today, we hoped to see everything beautiful and perfect and be released to an obstetrician. But as you and I both know, in the infertility world, things rarely go perfectly.

We went for our ultrasound before seeing the doctor... we saw two perfect gestational sacs... then on baby A... we did not see the baby... we instead saw an oversized yolk sac and some debris within the sac... and no heartbeat. Baby A has gone to Heaven to be with his or her big brother.

On to baby B... although measuring slightly smaller than our dates (baby is measuring 6 weeks and 5 days and we are technically 7 weeks and 4 days) baby B looks perfect. Little forming parts... heart beating STRONG, 126 beats per minute... sac is growing... yolk sac is perfect.

And then, while evaluating the rest of my uterus and my ovaries... there is a hemorrhage (a bleed in the endometrium) in the left side of my uterus, a small one. The location is a little bit of a relief because it is not near Baby B's gestational sac. The doctor seems optimistic that this bleed will heal itself over time, and does not put Baby B at any greater risk of miscarrying... and the co-twin demise (as he called it) also does not put Baby B at any great risk of miscarrying as well.

So now you see... bittersweet. We are overjoyed for Baby B... that baby is more of a blessing that we deserve, but we are also sad for Baby A. Sad for us, because this baby being born to heaven, really there is no better life than that.

Whether you want to call it a co-twin fetal demise or vanishing twin syndrome (sometimes these terms are used interchangeably), our doctor said it is actually rather common with IVF patients... one embryo (baby) just stops developing at some point... there is no reasoning behind it. The egg was good... the sperm was good... We are not speculating the reason either, I had enough of people doing that with our first loss. Baby A's sac will likely stick around until it becomes compressed by growing Baby B. We do know that losing this baby in the first trimester is actually a better way for this to happen. I use the word better loosely because we never want anything to happen to any of our babies, but like the doctor says, with it happening in the first trimester it doesn't put the surviving twin at any greater risk, but in the second and third trimester it does put the other baby at a great risk for several different complications. Many people that have this happen (without fertility treatments) never even realize that they have miscarried one twin, because there are not the usual signs of miscarriage. No bleeding, very little cramping and most times the sac is not passed. In many cases they go in for their first ultrasound, see twins and when they go back... one twin is just gone... hence the term vanishing twin. Our doctor also gently said that he is more comfortable with me having a singleton pregnancy, for MY health... and I understand that too.

Now for the hemorrhage, these are so very common... I know that... the rational part of my brain knows that when I worked in the hospital, half of the people with first trimester bleeding that I scanned had a subchorionic hemorrhage or hematoma. The not so rational part of my brain is paranoid knowing that this also happened with our first pregnancy. The difference is that this hemorrhage (at least so far) does not affect or touch the sac of Baby B. So I can breathe a little sigh of relief. In most circumstances these places resolve on their own. Statistically 25% of pregnancies have a hemorrhage, many don't even realize it. So far I have had zero bleeding or spotting. Although, the doctor basically told me not to freak out if I did have some... as long as it was dark and only a small amount. Anything greater and I am supposed to call them immediately. The larger the hematoma, the greater risk of miscarriage. For now, our doctor is not too concerned about the hemorrhage. I know to stay hydrated and to kind of take it easy... but for now do not have to be on bed rest.


Here is our beautiful healthy little butter bean...

 

 

And we know... we have two little angels waiting for us when we get to Heaven.

 

Otherwise the doctor is happy with how things look overall. He offered nausea medicine but I'd rather not take it unless I absolutely have to. Now that I know more about what foods this baby likes for me to have and what this baby hates... things have gotten easier. I have a ton of nausea but am not vomiting as much. The doctor suggested that I eat a snack every 30 minutes or so... guess I should just strap a feed bag to my face, I thought that eating every couple of hours was a lot, ha ha. He also recommended taking Dramamine before bed to alleviate evening nausea... I think I will actually try that because I often feel very sick when I lay down. Otherwise I am told to drink lots of water, no problem there as long as it is full of ice, that is my #1 pregnancy crave. : ) I have some mild cramping but nothing crazy, not as severe as period cramps... but my uterus is twice the size as it was 7 weeks ago so a little discomfort is to be expected with things growing! We will be rechecked next Wednesday afternoon to be sure Baby B still looks good and to check the bleed. We aren't sure at this point when we will be released to our OBGYN but I'm grateful to be watched so closely. We will continue on our current medications for now.

 

To go on and answer your first question.... we are ok. We are obviously sad for the loss of baby A but feel beyond blessed to still have one healthy growing heart pounding little baby still in there. We pray constantly for this sweet little lovie to keep thriving.

 

Mourning this loss is rather bizarre... it's bizarre to be so happy for one baby and so sad for the other at the same time. We still feel so very thankful for this blessing. But... I do know that mourning is necessary. This morning I broke into tears telling my parents, but as it sinks in more and more I really am ok. I am very optimistic for our growing butter bean. We cherish any prayers you want to send our way. I still have more tears for Baby A... and I will let those out, but I think it is important for everyone to know that in everything we give thanks to our Creator... our Lord. God does not make mistakes, and whatever the reason for this loss, we know the outcome will be God's plan... and we are more than okay with that. We know that God is with us every single step of the way... he never leaves us... and he never leads us in the wrong direction.

 

______________________________________________________________

 

Dear Babies...

 

We love you both so very much. It is important to us that you both know that.

 

Baby A- we are so sad... not for you, but for us... we wished to kiss those toes and tell you all about our journey... but now you know. You are in Heaven and by now have met your big brother. I'm happy for you two to have each other. We feel so blessed to have had you with us for a little while, for us it wasn't quite long enough. We know that you are happy and healthy and perfect hanging out with our Lord and Savior. We don't know why you had to go so soon but we know that God has a bigger plan, and we will forever trust in Him. We will love you forever... and one day, we will all be together... one BIG happy perfect family. We will never forget you my darling child.

 

Baby B- I cannot tell you the joy it brought us today to see your little heart beating so strongly. We know you miss your little sibling but we need you to keep growing and hold tight my love! Mommy and daddy are worried for your health, not that there is anything wrong with you, but we just want you to stick around so badly!! I can already see your little head with your beautiful brain forming... you look so amazing. You already have many people praying for you and loving you so much. Mommy will do her best to take care of you, but it is ultimately in God's hands... we trust Him completely with your life! We love you so much... and we will love you forever... so will your three puppies that are desperate to meet you and play with you too!

 

All mommy and daddy can say is that we love you both beyond measure... and God loves you even more than that!

 

Forever Yours,

Mommy and Daddy