I do this for you.

I'm sorry about all of the silence. I've actually contemplated quitting the blogger business a lot lately, but for selfish reasons... there have been several things in my personal life lately that have made me want to quit... but then I think... I don't do this for me.

I don't do this for the people who feel the need to share with me that they do not believe miscarried babies go to heaven. Everyone has to find their own belief. I have found this. I find comfort in the knowledge that my babies are safe in the arms of our Father. I know he holds them safe, when their little hearts stopped beating, their eyes opened to Jesus. That is all I need to know about it. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [Jeremiah 1:5]

I don't do this for the people who don't think a baby is a real baby until a certain point. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. [Psalm 139:14]

I don't do this for the people who think we should just get over things and move on with our life. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4]

I don't do this for the people who continue to ask WHY don't we just adopt... because trust me if it were that easy, we'd have at least as many kids as we have dogs... and probably a lot more. We follow this journey as we are led, and as God provides. You make known to me the path of life. [Psalm 16:11]

I don't do this for my own satisfaction...

I don't do this for my own well-being. Although writing is therapy, putting my intimate personal life out there for the world to criticize is not therapeutic.

I do this for the women who are hurting.

I do this for the woman that feels alone in her loss.

I do this for every person who has ever lost a baby.

I do this for every person battling, or who has battled infertility.

I do this for you, dear friend... the one in misery right now.

I do this for you, dear sister, who feels like your heart is torn into a thousand pieces.

I do this to remind you, you are not alone.

I do this to remind everyone... no matter what bad things are going on in your life, God never leaves you.

I do this for my friend who is scared and angry and upset and falling apart.

Your pain is my pain.

When I hear of your loss and your heartbreak... my heart breaks too.

I shed tears for every loss I hear about. Your tears are my tears. My tears are for your angels as well as my own.

I do this to battle sorrow with love... despair with compassion... loneliness with understanding.

You cry, I cry.

We are a family... we are a sisterhood.

I strive to love you as God loves you... and oh how He loves.

The holidays are hard. Hard if you have lost a child. Hard if you have lost anyone. Hard if you are alone. Hard if you are sad. Harder still if you are experiencing a loss right now. But you are not alone. You may be sad, angry and miserable... but you are loved, you are not alone. I will always be here to remind you of this. I will always be here to share your pain. I will always be here to help carry your burden as I carry my own.

I do this for you, because I love you... because God loves you, and He wants you to know it.

 

Philippians 2:3-4        

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

 

Is God Still Good?

God has been working on my heart a LOT. He's also been asking me some really hard questions... questions I don't want to answer... commands I don't want to hear. Such as this:

"I need you to prepare yourself in case a time comes when you find out you cannot have children."

Initially I thought this was just another negative "thought" in my head. Surely I will have one day have a big beautiful swollen belly... and feel the life inside of me... and enjoy every second... and spread the word to the world of God's grace and mercy and His miraculous works... isn't that the whole point of this?? Nope. God has never promised that I would give birth, He has never promised that I will one day carry to term or have a miraculous conception as many stories go. (You always hear of a friend of a friend that tried and tried and failed and then when they gave up... BOOM. Pregnant! Happily Ever After...) Everyone is quick to offer up such stories, but do they really help? Nah. No one wants to talk about the fact that it is a big possibility that I may never physically have my own children. No one wants to hear it... I don't even want to hear it! But... I know it is a very real possibility. Now God is asking me to consider this. The elephant in the room has now been pointed out... and there's no way to get around it. 

So as I am trying to wrap my head around this horrid idea, He hits me with the big question:

"You boast My goodness when things are going in your favor, but if things don't work out like you think they should... if you cannot have children, will you still boast in My goodness? Will you still stand by Me and for Me? Will you still spread word of My goodness if I do not fulfill the desires of your heart in the manner that you want or think they should be fulfilled?"

Well, that'll stop you in your tracks.

When the bottom falls out... we are quick to say "God help me through this." or "God give me strength." or "God please TAKE this!" ... but how many times do we stop and say "God you are so good" ?

How different might our lives be if we stop making requests and start giving thanks above all things. There have been many moments in my sorrow and grieving where God has spoken saying "Can you not see My goodness in your life? Look around you... look how many blessings you have. Look at your church and your family and your husband and your beautiful home and your loving animals... all of these things I have brought into your life to make you happy and feel good. Can't you see how much I love you?"

God, You are so good.

Even in my sorrow, You are good.

Even in my grief, You have never for one second abandoned me.

God is not saying I will never be a mother. He is asking me to prepare my mind for the possibility of a different plan. God is saying- He wants to know that I will stand by him no matter what circumstances come into our lives. I need to learn to thank God for all of His goodness and blessings first, and then ask him to lead my heart to the right place... He always wants us to seek Him first... shouldn't that begin with acknowledging how amazing he is?

A smart man (our preacher) recently said, "God knows exactly the state of our hearts and what we are going through, but we are set up to believe our own lies." God knows everything that is going to happen to us before it happens, and He IS going to help us with through that! He is my strength... He is my strong foundation. I know I've said it before, but God never promises not to give us more than we can handle. He sometimes gives us things only HE can handle, and we must learn just to lean on His strength and understanding... above our own.

We should count ourselves blessed when He asks us to prepare ourselves for things that may come along, to warn us so we aren't blindsided... We must learn to discern God's word from our own negativity. And it is NOT easy... especially if it is something you don't want to hear.

While having lunch with my mother on Friday I begged the question, "mom, when does it get easier?" "What dear?" "Life." "It doesn't," she said. Leave it to mom to be honest with me instead of telling me, oh it's going to be easy before you know it! No, she's honest. She knows I want her honesty. She explained about life being like a roller coaster. The climb to the top is hard, and it takes forever... and once you reach the top where things are easy and beautiful and happy, it feels like it only lasts for a moment... then WOOSH! Down you go. The fall is fast, and the twists and turns are frightening and take your breath away and leave you feeling worn and broken from the whiplash. So what do you do then? You find the steady ground again... and then... you have to work your way back to the top.

God has a purpose, He is doing a huge work in me and in our family. But- I HAVE to be willing to do what HE has planned, and not what I have planned. I know that God's plan will be bigger and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I have to remember that no matter how hard the journey is, He will never abandon me. I also must remember that whatever He has planned, He also has a plan to equip me for it... and I thank Him for that.

So now I am learning to step back, and say in the midst of my grief and sorrow (sometimes even through my tears). God is good... so very very good... and He will use EVERY situation FOR good.

I can honestly say, I do not know exactly what our next step is. BUT- I can say with full confidence that God is preparing us for something amazing.

_________________________________________________________

 

Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. [1 Timothy 4: 7-10]

April Fool's Again...

On April Fool's Day, I saw the fertility doctor, but you know that already... I worked that morning... it being a slow morning I played on my phone a little while waiting on my patients to arrive and to curb the nervousness I was feeling about my upcoming appointment. There is an organization that I am "friends" with on Facebook called "I Am A Mother To An Angel." I love the woman who leads it, I've read her story repeatedly and so often can relate to her musings and posts. I also received one of the necklaces that she makes from my mother this past Christmas.

That morning she posted a sort of "public awareness" picture about thinking twice before you start with the joking April Fool's "I'm Pregnant!" -just kidding posts. You know these. Somehow they become all the rage on this day, because what is a bigger joke than people thinking you're knocked up, right?! Unless you're infertile. Then that would be the greatest news on earth, no joking. Here is the picture:

The very first person to comment under the picture, remarked on how "stupid" (yes her exact word was stupid) this is and went on and on about how basically we should just get over it... I wish I could quote the entire post but it was so hurtful that the owner of the page deleted it... but I do remember this. She said, you can't change the world.

It hurt so much that a fellow woman would be so cruel about this. Not only to seek out this page to be negative but to intentionally make crude and harmful comments to those followers of that page that have lost children and/or cannot conceive. As you have seen in previous posts on such Facebook photos... as an infertile woman I can personally say that we usually suffer in silence, trying to ignore the pain publically and often times it is a personal very heavy burden that is carried in private... and the tons of tears come later, when we are alone... because usually that is where we feel is the only appropriate place to release our emotions.

So maybe we can't change the world. Maybe society will always look at us like we are "less" of a person because we cannot to do the thing we feel like we were made to do... give our husbands children when it is "time" at the drop of the hat. So we often struggle in silence, keeping the eyes of the world off of us because that is where we feel safest. God forbid we make any normal people feel uncomfortable.

Side note: I would also like to say that those fertile women should NEVER feel guilty for their ability to have children. I have gotten backlash from previous posts about such Facebook photos getting to me... If you know me at ALL, you know that I would never mean to make anyone feel bad about loving their children!! Yes, there was a time when I could not look at pregnancy announcements without breaking down in tears... I pray for every pregnant woman that I see, whether I know her story or not, that she be happy and healthy and have the beautiful family that I so desire and that she never ever feel the pain that I have felt. I said in my previous post, that I KNEW that was not posted with any sort of malice, but it did not make it hurt any less. I would never ever wish for anyone to go through what we have gone through. To be completely honest, I couldn't even remember who posted that picture, but I remembered exactly what it said [see previous post on you haven't known love]. I pulled that particular photo from a google search rather than going through the tons of history on my facebook news feed to see who posted it. On that same note, I don't expect everyone I know to read my story or agree with my thoughts. This blog is to support those who are on this journey and help them to know that they are not alone... and that this struggle is not a punishment from God, rather it is an opportunity to walk WITH God and be uplifted by him through every bad day.

So back to the subject at hand. You cannot change the world. This is stupid. Get over it. I'm pretty sure Jesus was told the same thing, at least in some sense... He is living proof that one person can change the world. Now, I am NOT comparing myself or the founder of that Facebook page to Jesus or his chosen disciples, the thought of that just makes me laugh... I feel completely unequipped and unworthy of such a task as changing the world, but we are trying. When she created that page, she did not expect it to impact many people. Currently she has 21,000 followers. She's changing someone's world. She changed mine. I did not start this blog with the intention to reach people all over the world, I created it to keep friends and family informed of our journey and to offer support for those who I know are suffering and also to spread the word about how God has changed me through all of this... and as therapy for myself. But I've had thousands of views... countless e-mails and people that I would never normally have the opportunity to witness to contact me and say that I have helped them in some way or another. My story has changed someone's world, and blogging has absolutely changed my world.

I really believe that if you are working for a good cause, you are going to ruffle some feathers. Many people don't like to hear the truth. Even more hate the feeling of guilt. Even more than that hate to be called out on something that they are doing that is hurting others. If we can raise this awareness in just a few people, our battle is worth it. If with every step forward, someone speaks out against our fight... I will keep fighting, no matter how "stupid" others think it is. If one person helps another person who helps another person... is that not changing the world?

Change takes a catalyst. Be that catalyst. This person and her "why don't you just get over it already" attitude is a big part of what I feel is wrong with society. That does not just apply to infertility... that applies to everyone who is struggling with anything. Before you respond to someone, be empathetic... put yourself in their shoes. Be compassionate. If we had compassion for everyone around us, how much beautiful would this world be? Christ carried our sins to the cross so we may be saved and free. How amazing would it be to help carry each other's pain and burden to keep them from being completely broken? Would the world not change? Have there not been thousands of instances throughout history where one person spoke out, which led to hundreds of others speaking out... did the world not change from that? If no one had ever mentioned that women should have rights, would we be voting now? If no one had ever preached the Gospel... would Christ's death have been in vain?

There will always be opposition. There will always be someone who says what you are fighting for is pointless and that you will have no impact. There will always be someone who thinks your feelings are "stupid" as this person put it. On this one post alone there were countless people who made obscene comments towards women who are grieving their losses and infertility, all of which comments have been deleted to keep others from being hurt by them. They have even rallied together to "get the word out" on how awful that page is... But I can tell you this... there will ALWAYS be someone there to help you fight, to push you through, to hold it all together when you can't. That person is Jesus.

Keep fighting. Keep working for your cause. When you need help and support ask for it... you will find it. Rally together. Keep trying. You can change the world. Have faith. Do not give up.