Uterine Septum Surgery

Hello friends, I know I've owed you this post for a while... As you could probably tell from my previous post, we've been walking through and trying to deal with some unexpected strife. Here I am, back with you, more determined than ever to get through this so I can become a tool to help those of you that may be struggling as well. 

In December I underwent hysteroscopy to remove a previously misdiagnosed uterine septum. You can imagine our delight that our yearly deductible was met, hence the rush to get it done before the year's end. This journey is far from cheap, so any part of it being covered helps tremendously and is definitely an answered prayer!

As previously stated, a uterine septum may be a reason for past complications and miscarriages, though there is no way to absolutely know for sure. Our reproductive specialist explained that this septum is not composed of normal uterine tissue. The tissue is dense and fibrous with scant blood vessels. Therefore, if a placenta tried to attach and grow in this area, it would not generate proper blood flow, and eventually would clot and cause the baby to die. Since there is no way to determine what part of the uterine lining this will attach to, we made the decision to have the surgery in hopes that future pregnancies (God willing) would have a better chance of survival. 

A hysteroscopy is performed using a lighted tube (hysteroscope) inserted through the cervix and into the uterus. Gas is then released inside the uterine cavity to inflate the area and give the doctor some room to work. (I was completely asleep during the procedure.) In my case, a laser was used to cut away the septum, removing the fibrous tissue. (Other tools that may be used are special scissors or electrical currents.) 

The procedure itself was quick and I rather enjoyed the nap. (I'm normally a troubled sleeper so I will take what I can get!) I remember waking up groggy then experienced terrible cramping. The nurse brought me a ginger ale that I didn't even have to ask for and medication for the pain. You know you've been to a surgery center too often when they no longer have to ask your post-op drink preference. The cramping I experienced was expected, however it took more pain medicine than they normally anticipate to alleviate the pain. Sometimes I feel as if my body is rebelling against me for all I've put it through. Hubby was there to hold my hand of course, as always... And quite often my dad just happens to show up at the surgery center to wish me well before hand, how comforting compassionate family members can be. I can't say enough good things about the staff at the East Memphis Surgery Center. Having worked in the medical profession for years, I know how burnt out nurses and doctors can get in their daily routine. I must say that I have never received anything but excellent service and empathy from the entire staff. That is such an important aspect, especially if you get pre-procedure anxiety like I do. Something about any procedure just makes me anxious. It's not that I am afraid of not waking up afterwards, if that were to happen I'd simply wake up in Heaven, with my Heavenly Father and my three children... How amazing would that be? I think it's more anxiety of pain afterwards that gets to me. 

By the time the nurse got my pain under control, Mike was already back with me in recovery. Not long after that, we were discharged with more medication just in case. I slept a good bit of that afternoon, cramping on and off. I was pleasantly suprised that the post-op bleeding was very light. (The doctor said that is due to the fact that the tissue removed didn't have much vascularity.) I was sore for a few days following, but nothing too bad. The surgery was done on a Friday and I was able to return to work the following Monday, so no time lost there thankfully. 

One important thing I would encourage you to do if you find yourself dealing with presurgical anxiety like I experience, is to have your spouse pray with and for you. I can't even describe the level of comfort and love that I feel when I hear my spouse speaking to God on my behalf. If the anxiety is intolerable, the staff at such centers also have anti anxiety medication available to you. I haven't partaken in this part, but they still offer it every time. I can usually stay calm enough knowing that it won't be too long before I'm sedated anyways, and I always have Mike there to make me laugh in the pre-op area... Boy the things you hear in pre-op can be entertaining!!!

Our doctor appreciates my curious nature and medical background so he even supplied us with pictures from the actual procedure. I won't post them here because I know many of my readers are pretty squeamish, but if you're as curious as I am, I don't mind sharing them with you. 

Never underestimate the things a mother is willing to endure for her children, even for the ones that don't exist yet... Even just to keep the dream of having children alive... Even if this has no future benefits to us, I will not regret haviing it done, just knowing thereis even a possibility of it helping with future pregnancies is encouragement enough to know it was worth it. Like I've said before, this is the path God is leading us down, there's no way I can ever regret following Him.

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Stay tuned for posts about a scary post-op emergency, another post-op procedure and a new addition to our family (of the 4 legged variety). For today I'll leave you with this bit of infertility humor: 

When someone says your decisions are wrong...

People have an opinion about everything these days. People have always had bold opinions about the way each other's lives should be lived, the only difference is that now in our solical media controlled world, people have become very very vocal about these opinions. They feel the need to argue and berate and tell others just how wrong they are. So, what do you do when you find yourself in the line of fire? What CAN you do?

First off, decide if it is someone even worth arguing with, I know this may sound a little harsh... honestly some people just like to stir up trouble and their ultimate goal is not to change your opinion, they just want to see you rattled and upset. I feel like most of the time you are better off just ignoring these taunts and irritations... Let them get their "jollies" elsewhere. Odds are when they see they aren't getting a response, they'll move on to someone else they're suddenly offended by. 

But what if it is someone that is supposed to be on your side? What if it is someone who is supposed to be a close friend? What if it is even a family member? 

Let's go one step further, what if they even use the "word of God" against you?

If you've followed us on this journey you know just how much God has been a part of every single aspect of our decision making. We have not made one single choice without first seeking God's will and wisdom. But should we have to defend this to the people who already know or should already know our relationship with God. 

Friends, the truth is this... If you find yourselves on a similar journey, you do not have to justify your choices with anyone... That is, if you are following what you know God has laid upon your heart. I can assure you that everyone will have an opinion of what you should and should not do, and often those that have never stood or even come close to standing in your shoes will have the loudest opinions of all, but does their persistence make them right? Does their perception of the word of God trump the word that God has given to you? No surprise here, I have an opinion of that myself, and I say no. At this point in our lives I feel as if we've heard it all. I know at probably isn't true, because I find myself continually shocked at the lengths people will go to in order to cause others heartache and pain because they feel that their way is the only right way. 

What is God telling you to do? 

Are you hearing Him or are you only hearing what you want to hear? 

This I can assure you, no one in their right mind would ever put themselves through the rigorous testing, injections, procedures and surgeries just because it's fun. I couldn't do any of it without God on my side. I can't even count the number of days I've spent lying in the arms of God and submitting myself completely over to Him because there was simply no way I could endure anymore on my own fragile earthly body and mind. But still the critics abound. 

First off, try talking to them. Ask them to respect your decisions. Tell them that the things they are saying are causing you pain and feel unloving. 

Most people who love and care about you will do simply do that, problem solved. 

If they choose to continually make you feel bad about your life... What then? Well... That's what I'm walking through at the moment. Above all I know I must forgive them for causing what feels like intentional hurt and pain. Easier said than done right? In our human form people can only push us so far until we reach our breaking point and become bitter and angry towards them... But I know this is not what God wants from me. It is our Christian duty to forgive. 

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as The Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

You are not the only ones that have ever walked through this mess, and Jesus gives us specific instructions about patience and forgiveness. 

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" Matthew 18:21-22

It may happen repeatedly. But as a Christian, you forgive and keep forgiving. Hanging on to anger and bitterness hurts you way more an it hurts your offender. 

Forgiveness does not mean submitting to their way. It is ok to stand your ground. If you know that God is supporting you in your endeavor, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change the outcome. I can assure you that God's will for your life will be done. 

At some point, you may feel that you have to step away from that person (or persons) for a time. Take the time to cool off (however much time you need), it's much better than lashing out and making the situation even worse. Keep your eyes and your heart on your Savior. Once a relationship has been damaged in this way, you may find it difficult to look at the person in the same light that you once did, trust must be built back up over time. Being open with your life and your choices makes you vulnerable, and they have taken advantage of this vulnerability by inflicting feelings of pain, guilt and grief. It will be hard to trust them or to even discuss your life with them after this type of offense. Eventually you have to find a way to let go of the hurt. It's going to take time and it will not be easy... But it will be worth it. You may not be ready to reconcile yet, and that is ok, but work on it, pray on it. God will lead you the right way. Pray for their hearts as well as your own, if they continue down the same path it will just lead to a vicious circle which leads to more bitterness and resentment. Seek God first and the rest will fall into place.

If you find yourself disagreeing with a Christian friend or family member's decisions, know that:

It is OK to ask "why do you feel that God is leading you in this direction?" 

It is NOT OK to say "God told me to tell you that you are wrong." 

It is OK to ask your pastor and/or elder leaders if it is proper to tell the other person how you are feeling.

It is NOT OK to confront the person and tell them that they are living apart from The Lord because they  aren't making the decisions you feel they should be making "if they really were a Christian and living right".

It is OK and responsible if you ask God for discernment of what you should do or say. 

It is NOT OK to use God as a scapegoat to justify saying anything you want in any manner that you choose to say it. For example, "don't get mad at me, they're God's words, not mine." You have to take responsibility for the things you say and the manner in which you say it. Persistently ridiculing someone else's life is not the way to a healthy relationship.

If you do choose to have this discussion, do it in a non-confrontational and loving manner. Do not do it in a text message, email or any other non-personal manner. Accusing someone of living apart from God is a big deal, and can be the ultimate insult, especially if you have already insulted other aspects of their life repeatedly. Have a heart. Showing love and support can change someone's life. Tread carefully, especially if you are trying to talk about a circumstance in which you have never walked through yourself. Above all, be compassionate. (Compassion, noun, a deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.) Try to imagine your life walking in their shoes, you can never truly know what it is like, but it may give you a different perspective on the matter. 

"Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:37

Friends, remember above all... You are not alone. You are not the first or the last to face this part of the battle. Find those that you can relate to, the ones who have been there, seek their counsel and remember God is always there for you and with you, even if others believe He isn't supporting you. This is your battle not theirs, let God fight for you and don't waste your time fighting with those who disagree.

A Miracle for Christmas

So far I have had surgery... thanksgiving... another painful post surgical procedure... and made a decision for the future... but all that will come in due time.

Today, my dear friends I want to share a story with you. This is not my story, this is the story of a dear friend that I have come to love like a sister, the one I wrote my previous post too, I do this for you. She gave me permission to share with you this beautiful story that still brings me to tears.

To give you some backstory, Emily and I met years and years ago through friends of an ex-boyfriend of mine. We reconnected earlier this year (feels like much longer than that now) as everyone does, through Facebook. Em and I became fast friends, relating to the struggle of infertility through my blog. Although at that point she had not been pregnant before, she struggled as I did to even try to get to that point. Test after test, she finally had a diagnosis for her infertility, defective fallopian tubes that had to be surgically removed. Long story short, Em and I got to the same point about the same time, IVF was our only option. I began to feel closer and closer to her as time went by and we went through these procedures nearly hand in hand. We were exactly 5 days apart on everything we did. I went first, warned her of everything she was about to go through, lol... and exactly 5 days apart, we became pregnant together.

We loved and encouraged each other, complained to each other they way you can to only someone who is in your exact same shoes as the exact same time. We both pictured our children being born so close together and how they would be great friends because both of their mommies went to such great lengths to have them. Sadly,  you know how this story went for me. Between 4 and 5 weeks after we lost the first twin, our second twin's heart stopped beating. Less than a week later, Em's little one passed as well. 5 days later... as we did everything... we miscarried together as well. This being her first, I pulled myself out of the cave of sadness I was in and set my mind to get her through it. Encouraging her ended up benefiting me as much as it did her (I'm not entirely sure she knows that). It let me focus on someone else. I, quite literally, felt her pain... her heartbreak, I cried so many tears for her. I didn't want her to go through any of it, I wanted to go through it for her. I wanted to carry her burden as I had carried mine, repeatedly. I wanted it to be a dream and for her to have her perfect baby... I would go through it again and again if it meant she never had to. But you can't bargain with God.

The thing that changed Em as it did me with my first loss? With the proper mind in the situation she found herself closer to God than ever. I praise God for that every day, that she found the sunshine in the rain. My dear Emily, it takes someone very special to be the mother to an Angel. I'm so proud of you. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. As if that isn't miracle enough in itself... you're looking for a Christmas miracle here, and this story will not disappoint.

Emily did get a reason for her miscarriage, an infection. Something treatable. She had no uterine malformations, she did not have to undergo anymore surgery after her D&C... she had to be monitored and take antibiotics for a while, but it wasn't that long before she was cleared to try again, so they did. She had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. They transferred two excellent grade embryos, then we waited. We joked about her not moving with her legs in the air to give those babies time to attach properly... I even joked with MY doctor about knocking up one of my friends, because I saw him the same day he did her procedure. He shook his head at me, as he does and giggles with all of my attempts at jokes. Because if we can't laugh about it... all we would do is cry.

Days and days passed until it was time for her blood work, to check her betas to see if there was a progressing pregnancy. There was! We were so excited. I knew those numbers would be good, I could feel it in my bones. The numbers kept going up and we rejoiced. My husband and I privately rejoiced for them, knowing everything they have been through, a rough road that we wish no one had to traverse. Then it happened.

Emily began bleeding. Heavily. I was at work at the time. I was not with her but I know what she went through. The first second you see the blood, the thoughts are the same. "No!" "No, no no no, Dear God please don't let this be happening." In that moment you can do nothing but beg God to spare your child. Every woman I have talked to about this, whether they believe in God or not, has this moment. You pray for protection, for everything to be okay, for the bleeding to stop. But it did not. More blood, more tissue was passed, until it gets to a point where there is no doubt in your mind that you are losing the pregnancy. You just know that you are miscarrying. You make your way to the doctor... they do the blood work, but it has come to a point where you know all the begging in the world wouldn't change the outcome of this nightmare. You are losing, yet another, innocent child. We cried, I was so worried about her and could have checked on her every hour of that night, but I knew she needed time with her husband. After I had asked her a million detailed questions that you can only ask someone that you have gone through such a journey with, I knew that she was at that point of coming to terms that she was miscarrying. So I went to God on her behalf, called all of our support group (without giving them details) to pray on behalf of one of our beloved friends. I prayed a million times throughout that night, on my knees, pleading with God to spare her child. Pleading with Him for her miracle.

To say she was depressed was an understatement. She just could not wrap her mind around the same question we all ask in that situation... "God why did you bring us here just to go through this again? Aren't we following your path?" These questions that we can't help but ask, went unanswered. If only God would speak audibly to us as He did in the Old Testament.

So a little time passed, they decided it was finally time to do an ultrasound. You see, the day she had the heavy heavy bleeding, it was still a little too early to do one. It was a Friday. I was cleaning the house. I texted her to see what time her appointment and ultrasound were, and the test had just been done. She would not be having one baby after that horrendous experience. She was having TWO. She had twins... both perfect... with perfect little sacs.... and most importantly two perfect little heartbeats.

I cried. I dropped to my knees and praised God for His answered prayers. For His miraculous intervention. They found nothing wrong with the pregnancy. The only explanation is that this was an old clot/hemorrhage that she passed. There was no more bleeding.

You see friends, miracles happen. I know you always hear about a friend of a friend who this and that happened to, but this is the first time it happened to MY friend. My belief in miracles has been renewed. Has yours? Emily's sure has. She is the living product of God's miraculous works. I'm in tears just writing this.

My dear friends, I ask you to come together with me in prayer thanking God for this Christmas miracle, and to place a hedge of protection around my dear friend and her perfect little babies. To my dear Emily, I love you so... and those babies... I'm still in awe of this outcome, as I know you are as well.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

 

 

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

In due time, I pray we all receive our miracles. I know how many people desperately need to hear something good during this holiday season. Christmas is so hard for those whose children are no longer in this world, but we will talk about that another day. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed living it. After witnessing this miracle, my faith is overflowing. I feel such overwhelming joy for my sweet friend, and I feel so blessed to share with you the story of her miracle.

"And they went out and preached everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by accompanying signs." Mark 16:20

I do this for you.

I'm sorry about all of the silence. I've actually contemplated quitting the blogger business a lot lately, but for selfish reasons... there have been several things in my personal life lately that have made me want to quit... but then I think... I don't do this for me.

I don't do this for the people who feel the need to share with me that they do not believe miscarried babies go to heaven. Everyone has to find their own belief. I have found this. I find comfort in the knowledge that my babies are safe in the arms of our Father. I know he holds them safe, when their little hearts stopped beating, their eyes opened to Jesus. That is all I need to know about it. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [Jeremiah 1:5]

I don't do this for the people who don't think a baby is a real baby until a certain point. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. [Psalm 139:14]

I don't do this for the people who think we should just get over things and move on with our life. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4]

I don't do this for the people who continue to ask WHY don't we just adopt... because trust me if it were that easy, we'd have at least as many kids as we have dogs... and probably a lot more. We follow this journey as we are led, and as God provides. You make known to me the path of life. [Psalm 16:11]

I don't do this for my own satisfaction...

I don't do this for my own well-being. Although writing is therapy, putting my intimate personal life out there for the world to criticize is not therapeutic.

I do this for the women who are hurting.

I do this for the woman that feels alone in her loss.

I do this for every person who has ever lost a baby.

I do this for every person battling, or who has battled infertility.

I do this for you, dear friend... the one in misery right now.

I do this for you, dear sister, who feels like your heart is torn into a thousand pieces.

I do this to remind you, you are not alone.

I do this to remind everyone... no matter what bad things are going on in your life, God never leaves you.

I do this for my friend who is scared and angry and upset and falling apart.

Your pain is my pain.

When I hear of your loss and your heartbreak... my heart breaks too.

I shed tears for every loss I hear about. Your tears are my tears. My tears are for your angels as well as my own.

I do this to battle sorrow with love... despair with compassion... loneliness with understanding.

You cry, I cry.

We are a family... we are a sisterhood.

I strive to love you as God loves you... and oh how He loves.

The holidays are hard. Hard if you have lost a child. Hard if you have lost anyone. Hard if you are alone. Hard if you are sad. Harder still if you are experiencing a loss right now. But you are not alone. You may be sad, angry and miserable... but you are loved, you are not alone. I will always be here to remind you of this. I will always be here to share your pain. I will always be here to help carry your burden as I carry my own.

I do this for you, because I love you... because God loves you, and He wants you to know it.

 

Philippians 2:3-4        

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

 

Time to take my own advice, Love ALONE is worth the Fight

Once in a blue moon, you find a song that speaks to your soul. It has a way of uplifting you more than any ordinary words or actions can do. It's the kind of song you put on repeat and play endlessly, when no one else is around (because if someone else was in the car with you and you listened to the same song fifty times, people might think you've lost it). It's the kind of song that trumps any anxiety medicine. It can make you smile through your tears. Currently, this is that song:

 

"Love Alone Is Worth The Fight" -Switchfoot

 

The closer it gets to my surgery, the higher my anxiety level goes. I don't exactly know what I'm afraid of... but my nerves are getting the best of me! So let me break down for you exactly why this song speaks to me so much:

I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases 

Everyone is looking for their own place in the world, we are no different. We know where and what we want to be... that's obvious, parents. That is our desire. We've gotten so close... so close we could taste it. We've gotten pregnant... we've gotten pregnant with twins... we have had a successful IVF procedure... we got so close... we were so happy, so in love with our children. We felt like the fight was over... and yet...

So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice

Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

 

Now we find ourselves back to square one. Starting over. So frustrating. We had it... and it slipped through our fingers. I find that I have been asking myself what would I tell someone else in this situation... keep the faith, stay on the path... even if that path seems to take you back to the beginning. It's worth it. The end result is worth the pain and frustration. That is what I would say. Honestly, I love to give advice. I'm always open to give someone a listening ear and then give my opinion if they asked for it. (Many times in the past I would give anyone advice even if they didn't ask for it, but now I don't recommend this tactic very often). But who likes to take their own advice? It's so much easier to tell someone else what they should do... even if it's not what they want to hear. Once in a blue moon... the person's advice you need, is within you. Listen to the words God gives you that you think are intended for others... maybe they are really intended for you.

 And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is

And it's all an illusion

A 21st century institution

 

Sometimes I look our life and I cannot believe that we have been through so much in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we barely even got to enjoy being married before we were thrown into the cruel world of pregnancy loss and infertility. Sometimes we hurt so much that we can barely even feel the pain... we go into a sort of shock because, surely the weight of it all would kill us. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real. We go to the appointments, we hear the doctor's advice... and we move on with the plan, as long as God provides, we push forward. 

 So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

 

And we push on... with God by our side. We have faith we are on the right path, due to His provisions. Our insurance company should cover our surgery 100%, at least that's what they are currently saying. How could we refuse? If the doctor says he believes it will help future pregnancies... if our insurance is willing to pay for it... we can't say no. The door is open... and we are boldly headed through it. When you are faced with these decisions, surely you do learn what you are made of... I know we have, repeatedly. I feel as if any mother in my situation would do the same. Think about it, if you could do something that might save the lives of your future children, you would do it... right? How can I not? Even if it is just a slight chance of decreasing the odds of miscarrying again, I have to do it! Please don't get me wrong here, I know that God is the one in control of every situation, but He is making provisions for us to have this procedure... He is the one that opened the door, how can we not walk through it? Especially with Him by our side.   

 

We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown

While we are here, we will keep on fighting... we fight for our future children. We fight to honor our children that have gone to Heaven... We fight to spread the word that no matter what happens in life, God is good. God is love. We fight to find our place in life, whether it is what we think it should be or not, we fight to follow God's leading. We sometimes fear the future, we fear the things we are currently faced with (like my surgery) but we believe God will use whatever comes of it for good. We believe that God loves us. We believe that these things aren't happening to punish us or because we deserve it... we may never know the reason, at least not here in this life, but it is for a reason. God has a reason for everything, even when we do not have the answers.

And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

Here we are, here we go
Where the road is our own
Hear it calling you home
Here we are, here we go!
Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

One of the biggest life lessons that my brother taught me, was that we are fighters. We are overcomers. We have seen many battles in our lives, most of which you will never read about... From a young age he taught me that no matter what happens, we are survivors. It is simply what we do. When we are faced with hard times, we brace ourselves... we push through it. He told me this and showed me this so many times that I actually believed it, no questions asked. It became a part of me. No matter what happened, I knew that we would get through it... because there was no other option. He showed me how to have faith before I even knew what faith was. He saved me from so much turmoil by reminding me, we are fighters... we will survive. Now as an adult, I still live and breathe by this. We fight. We overcome. We give the fight everything we've got.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Looking back now, I can see through every situation in which I found myself, God was by my side. God was fighting for me. God has always loved me, well before I ever fully accepted Him. He has always been fighting for me... because  to him, I was worth it. I am still worth it. He still fights for me! He wants my love, and that is enough reason for Him to fight... for me. I am still a fighter... I am a fighter with the grace of God on my side. When you've come so far, what is there to fear? If you are on God's side, there is no reason to fear. He has already overcome the world. Jesus has already paid the ultimate price... so I repeat, if you are ultimately saved, what do you have to fear? No matter what happens in this life, one thing I am sure of is where I will spend eternity, what more is there to worry about?

Love alone is worth the fight!

I want you to know that whatever you are fighting for... it is worth it. God will stand by your side... God will fight for you because your love is worth it. You are worth it.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Fight the good fight... fight for your God. Fight for your relationship. Fight to be with the one you love. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your health. Fight to survive. Fight for your dreams. Fight for your children. Fight to see the beauty in the world. Fight for love...

... it is so worth it.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do... play it loud. :)
 



If it's broken... fix it!

Hello everybody. Did you miss me?

Mike and I took a much needed vacation. For his birthday, a few weeks ago, I gave him tickets to see his beloved Buckeyes take on Penn State in Columbus, Ohio. We made a long weekend of it, since I am off on Fridays and got back LATE last night. It was amazing... exactly what we needed... to get AWAY!! We had an amazing time, and hubby especially loved seeing his Bucks win, by a landslide!

Now it's back to work... and back to reality.

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We had a follow-up appointment the past Wednesday, the week of our trip. I decided to put it out of my mind until we got back. But like I said, now it's back to reality. So... Here is what we discovered. After having some shaky looking labs in the beginning, with a scary increased prolactin lab result... the repeat labs were all normal. Our doctor is chalking that up to the retained products that I had after our D&C surgery. His is cautious, however, and will watch my labs even closer in the future. In other news, I had no clotting factors or antibodies towards the pregnancy. Good news.

Now the bad news. I had a repeat sonohysterogram, the details of the first time we had this done at my OBGYN's office, including details about the procedure itself can be found here, or you can go to the post entitled "An Interesting Case" written in March. These new results came out abnormal. So... either the measurements were inaccurate the first time, or the tissue that they first thought could be a septum has enlarged and become more of a septum.

This is the shape of a normal uterus:

This is the shape that they first thought my uterus was:

This is how my uterus looks now (or did before but just got a good plane of measurement):

So what to do... ... ...

My septum is a little over 1cm in measurement. By radiological definition a septum can only be called a septum if it is at least 1cm. My doctor says, that by itself, this is not too impressive. He likely would have gone on with the first IVF procedure even if he had known this from the beginning. Now that he has seen me pregnant, however, he thinks that it needs to be surgically removed.

Here is the problem with a septum: it is composed of fibrous tissue. Fibrous tissue does not have the normal extensive blood supply that the rest of the uterus has running through it. When you get pregnant and the egg implants, you cannot control what wall of the uterus that the egg implants into. So if the egg implants into the fibrous part of the uterus, after the placenta is forming (which is around the time of our loss) it cannot get enough blood supply and will die... and there's nothing that can be done. This is what our doctor thinks happened. You can see where a placenta will form by visualized where the yolk sac is located in the gestational sac, and little baby b... that yolk sac was in the area right along the area where the septum begins. Baby A... completely at the septum (we will never know if this is why baby A stopped developing or if there was some other abnormality) but it is very likely that this is what happened with our little butterbean (baby b). Had either baby attached to any of the healthy walls, this may not have ended in miscarriage. But that is only for God to know. He is the only one with any true answers... we can just give the best guesses that our scientific minds can wrap their ideas around.

Surgery here I come. It will be on November 8th, which is a Friday, my off day. It will be done on an outpatient basis at East Memphis Surgery Center. I'm nervous about it, but know that I will be in good hands. This is the center that all of my procedures have been done at so I know the staff is awesome!! I also will not have any abdominal incisions, it will be done via hysteroscopy.

Hysteroscopy is preformed by inserting a flexible lighted tube into the vagina, through the cervix and into the uterine cavity. I will be under general anesthesia (asleep) for the procedure. My uterus will then be inflated with either saline or gas for better visualization of the septum. Then they will slowly cut away the fibrous tissue until they get to the normal tissue,and ultimately will give me a normal shaped uterine cavity. There is the possibility that a laparoscopy will be preformed at the same time if there are any complications. (A small incision is made into the abdominal cavity with an inserted lit tube to visualize the outside of my pelvic structures). The recovery will be similar to a D&C recovery... several weeks of bleeding and cramps, the worst of which will be the first few days after the procedure. I hope to be able to return to work the following Monday after the surgery. Please pray for that.

The hope is that, with the septum removed, I will be able to have a normal pregnancy. Now that I have had recurrent miscarriages... I feel like this is the right thing to do.

We ask for your prayer during this time for a successful surgery and a fast recovery, and that it may increase our future success!

God has led us so far in this journey... we know that He will be with us through every moment of this! Thank you for letting us share the good and bad with you.

"The joy of the Lord is my strength!" Nehemiah 8:10

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Please feel free to come with us with any questions you may have... and if you find yourself in our shoes... we would be HONORED to pray with you and for you! We can be reached any time at thejewells319@gmail.com

Share the Sacrifice

If you're a close follower, you've noticed I haven't posted too much since our miscarriage. I have been in a battle with myself. A battle against negativity... a battle against depression and thoughts of worthlessness and sorrow and guilt. Thoughts that you know aren't true but you feel them sometimes anyways. This has not been an every day battle, this has been a "kick you when you don't expect it", "trip you when you're looking up kind" of battle. Overall I would say I was doing well with this... but for some reason the last few days have been hard. Part of this may be due to the fact that I had my first period since our D&C (surgery to remove our miscarried babies). Part of this may be due to the fact that several people have made pregnancy and gender announcements... people that I love and care for and am so very happy for (people that know the pain of loss and people that know the pain of infertility). The happiness for them is genuine, they are in my constant prayers. But it leaves a twinge of selfish pain behind. The sorrow of our own children not being with us. The sorrow of not being able to have a shower or a gender reveal... the sorrow of having to start over.

So these thoughts... they would pop in my head mostly when my mind went unoccupied by other things. For instance, I was vacuuming and thinking about the blog, how I should write something... then I began to wonder, does it really even matter? How would putting my pain into words benefit the world? Do I really have to keep doing this? Then I began to talk to God... God, do I really have to keep doing this? You know I didn't want to do it to begin with, and although it was fun when we had good news to share... do I really have to tell them these things? Do I have to share my pain? Can't I just dwell in it and hide in my bed and cry it out like normal people??... The answer was a resounding YES you have to keep doing this, was I not the one who told you to?? And in my head it sounded like Do you really have the nerve to not follow what I called you to do? So I (sullenly) wrote out The Letdown even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Obviously I haven't been writing as much as I should, and I think God has shown me some grace in that area, letting me work a few things out before I was mentally ready to resume the routine. So here I am. Back into the world of the living. Life has just seemed so hard lately. I feel like so many bad things have happened over the years in my personal life and in the lives around me, I just would find myself asking, when is it all going to end already? Can't I just catch a break? Yeah, a lot of these prayers were selfish. A lot of irritation was taken out on my poor, and forgiving, husband. My first period was wretched, so very painful. The doctor said that is basically normal for a cycle after a D&C, so I knew to expect it... but nothing really prepares you to be in pain. So I became snappy and sad and depressed.

Then today happened.

Today was not a great day. I was mulling over the fact that I have to have a repeat sonohystogram (see An Interesting Case for explanation) (to see if maybe I really DO have more of a septum in my uterus and may need surgery to remove it) on Thursday and a repeat of a ton of lab work that I have to be fasting for and won't be drawn until that afternoon. On top of those things, I hurt my neck this weekend and have had a horrible headache and pain shooting through my neck... and did not sleep well last night after going to bed later than normal for a Monday night. I was so moody. There was not enough coffee in the world to make me happy this morning. The work day was fine, until the end of the day. It is always the end of the day when doctors want to work people in for tests, and I get it, the patient is there so yeah let's just do it. I stayed late knowing I will be taking off a couple of hours early on Thursday for my testing... so that part didn't bother me, it's just that my neck was hurting so bad. And all of the patients actually had things wrong with them so the reports took longer to write and consulting with the doctors... and so on. Luckily, I work at the same office as my nurse practitioner and she was able to work me up and get some help (thank you Lord for that).

After a long drive home in traffic and waiting what felt like forever at Walgreens (but was really only about 15 minutes) I was so so so relieved to be home. As I pull into the driveway I see a package on my doorstep... then I began thinking (ugh what did we spend money on that we shouldn't have)... I picked it up, came in the house to let the doggies outside and then noticed the return address. My friend. It was a gift from my friend. A smile immediately arose out of my frustration.

Then I opened the package.

Then I read the letter.

I began to cry.

Then I saw the gifts. ( A book called Footprints, A book called You Changed My Life by Max Lucado... and the elusive darkside skittles, where lime skittles have now made their home) : )

And I cried some more.

This person (who shall remain nameless for theirs is not my story to tell) has become a dear friend to me over the last few months, we have gone through our battle through infertility and miscarriage (her first) almost hand in hand. We were only a few days apart on our schedule and, unfortunately, on our losses as well.

I know she will be reading this and I want to say: You have no idea but those words validated everything I have needed to hear and squashed all of my doubts about sharing our story. You, my dear friend, are an answered prayer to me just as you said that I was for you. She shared with me how sharing our story, our struggle, touched her and caused her to focus more on her faith. I read the letter through the tears in my eyes, I couldn't believe the words. The words written in front of me that I so desperately needed to hear. It's likely, my dear friend, that I will read your letter a thousand times... and thank you and God each time.

Sharing the intimate details of your life to the world is a sacrifice. It makes you vulnerable... it shows your weaknesses... your faults. Part of our human nature is to guard our experiences (at least the bad ones) and keep them to ourselves, to not let the world know we are not feeling 'okay'.

So, my dear friends, I encourage you to share your stories... your pain, your sacrifices... if it helps only one person, doesn't that make telling your story worth the pain of it?

As I re-read her letter something came into my thoughts, a fleeting thought that I have had before but brushed off, unable to fully acknowledge it. If I hadn't miscarried these babies when I had, would I have been able to walk with her through her loss as I did? Would I have been as sensitive? Would I have been as helpful? I would like to think I would have been but there is nothing quite like walking through sorrow and loss together. If the reason for this timing was so that my dear friend did not have to be alone, I am okay with that. Maybe that isn't the reason, but it was an opportunity for God to use me, if I was willing, to help. I am grateful for anything that made her hurt less... or that made the load a little easier to carry. As she was facing her own realities (at a time when I was still facing mine) I felt so sad for her. I didn't want this for her. I wanted to be able to take all of her pain away, but I knew I couldn't. So, I did what I was able. I was there for her... and she's been there for me too. Now we are bonded not only by our pain but by our faith in a loving and merciful God. A God who makes it clear that He can use every situation for good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

 

How beautifully amazing is that? God's words... coming to pass just as He said. I was called to share my story, that is my sacrifice... being vulnerable, putting my heart out there for the world to examine and judge and react however they see fit... just in the hopes that it would help one person. I know that it has. I pray that it continues to help others as well. I am thankful once again for those that reached out to me during our first loss when I didn't know how to deal with it (Thank you again and again, you know who you are).

 

God made the ultimate sacrifice for us, giving His Son to die on the cross so that we may live. We are forgiven... we are loved beyond measure. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. That is the most amazing gift that I have ever received. So, shouldn't we be more willing to sacrifice to help those around us when we can?

 

So today I pray... a prayer of thanks for my dear friend and her kind words that came at a time that I exactly needed... a prayer of forgiveness for any time that I doubt God's callings and timing... and a prayer for strength, that as I continue this journey I keep my eyes on the only One who leads me on a straight and narrow path (no matter how curvy it may feel at times.) Thank you Lord for these blessings.

 



My thoughts on Marriage?

I have recently had this question posted to me from  a person I have been friends with for years. I realized, as this was posted on Facebook, that a simple response was impossible. She might regret asking my thoughts, but she should know by now that by asking my opinion, she might very well get more than  she bargained for. : )

What marriage advice would you give a newly engaged couple? (doing research for a paper)

Okay, so let's get into this. First off, I would like to make it known that I am by no means an expert on the subject... everything I say may not be right for you, but this is what works for us.

1. Be sure. Be 100% sure. When I met Mike in 2010, I told a friend I was with that first night, "that boy is going to change my world." Boy, did he. I knew there was something different about him. I knew this would be a relationship unlike any I had ever encountered. I could feel it in my bones. Even after he stood me up for our first date... even after we realized we would both be challenging. When he got down on one knee in front of me and my whole family and pulled out that ring.... everything inside of me screamed YES! I knew. I never doubted it, even when I was mad and said I doubted it, inside I knew differently. I never really doubted it.
Now let's flash back a few years, before I met Mike. This is something I don't like to talk about but I think is important to mention here. Something I wish I had known when I was younger. Just because a man proposes to you, doesn't mean you have to say yes. If he's not the one God wants for you to marry, you will know. You will have doubts. Major doubts. I was engaged once before, a long time ago. When that guy got down on one knee everything inside of me cringed and screamed, no No NO DON'T DO THIS. But then what do you do when this guy with a diamond is down on one knee, I heard the word 'yes' come out of my mouth... but I knew it just wasn't right. It would, thankfully, not last very long. I knew in my bones that he was not the one for me... it led to a bitter end of a relationship that should have ended years before.
You hear that cliche' "when you know, you know" ?? Well I believe that 100% Mike and I were only together 7 months when he proposed. We just knew. Without a doubt in my mind or my heart I married the one true love of my life.

2. Divorce is not an option. I'm not talking extreme circumstances... I'm just saying too many people divorce because "it's too hard" or "I'm unhappy" or "I fell out of love". Don't buy into the worldly view that if it doesn't work out, we will get a divorce, but for now we will be happy. Don't make divorce an option in your marriage. Don't even use the word. Even in the heat of the worst fights, do not use this word. Divorce is a virus that is running rampant and spreading evil throughout the world. Marriage is a covenant made before GOD. The two joined in this manner are quite literally becoming one in the eyes of their creator. [[See Mark chapter 10]]

And Jesus said to them, “Because of your ehardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But ffrom the beginning of creation, ‘God made them gmale and female.’ 7 h‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,1 8 and ithe two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 jWhat therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

 

 

3. Staying on this subject, let's talk about love. People talk about love as if it is an emotion... and it is. BUT it is so much more. Love is an action verb. Love is something you have to commit to every single day. You choose to love. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself... I love this person. When you act "love" you feel love. Those initial feelings of "this person can do no wrong and the world is all butterflies and rainbows" WILL go away. When that happens, many people choose to throw in the towel. It IS a choice. You can choose to stop loving. Don't. Do something nice for your spouse to show them love as often as you can... no matter how big or small. My husband brings me flowers nearly every week, that gesture always fills my heart to overflowing with the knowledge that he loves me without even hearing the words.

I show love by baking something special, cooking for him or cleaning up after him without complaining. It may sound old fashioned, but when my husband comes home from a long day and has to work on homework for hours and goes to bed late, then gets up the next morning and finds all his work clothes already clean and ready to wear... he knows he is loved. Love is an action. Do everything you can to show love... not just the words or physical love... although those are very important, your spouse needs to know without a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, you will always be there to love them.

Loving someone sometimes means going to bed angry (despite what nearly everyone will tell you). It's much better to go to bed angry and wake up calm the next day than to say something unloving that you will later regret and that your spouse will remember for a very long time.

Everyone loves in a different way, learn what works for you and your spouse and do it. (I've been meaning the read The 5 Love Languages, a book about what shows love for different types of people). What works for me does not work for my husband and vice versa. You think he'd get all giddy over a flower? Please... but his cup runs over with knowledge that I love him when I hug him or kiss him on the cheek when he least expects it... or I randomly tell him I am proud of him and respect him beyond measure. And if he's reading this... I really do my dear husband... You are truly the greatest man I know.

 

 

4. Think twice before complaining about your spouse. Chances are the things that you are fighting about are silly and you will get over it before you know it, but bringing other people into your so-called problems will make them linger. I'm not saying you won't have legitimate arguments about important things or that your spouse will never seriously hurt your feelings... I'm saying, when you talk bad about your spouse or complain about them to your friends, they will remember it. They will also, mostly innocently, bring those times up again when they hear you complaining yet again. This action puts you on the "other" side of the team... you should ALWAYS try to stay on your partner's side. You are a team.... you are THE team. You should always always make an effort to uplift your spouse instead of putting them down, even if you think they will never know about it.

Everyone makes this mistake at times, it's just human nature to "gossip". Just try not to. Trust me, your marriage will benefit from the constant "lifting up" of one another, and soon it will be second nature to you... you will see your spouse in a different light than you see the rest of the world. They will never be perfect, but it is important to remind yourself (and those around you) that they are perfect for you.

When you do talk to your friends or your friends talk to you about their marriages, be supportive and understanding and never talk down their spouse. Yes, there are moments you will inadvertenly blurt out "no he didn't!" but try to avoid the "what a jerk" comments and instead say things like "I'm sorry you're upset" or "you guys love each other, this is just a rough patch". I can't even count the number of times that my best friend and I have reassured each other over the years through our marriages. Sometimes you do need an outside ear to listen, but be cautious about who you choose. Choose someone who you know will be rational. Someone who supports Team "Mr. and Mrs." Someone who understands the importance of keeping the integrity and closeness in your marriage.

 

 

5. I had a patient at work recently that had been married for 64 years. My favorite question to ask such couples is, "what is your secret to staying married for so long?" Her response? "I've just enjoyed it!" I could see the love shining from her face as she said those words. Seems simple right?

Often times life gets in the way, and you forget to simply enjoy your marriage. There are things to worry about, work to be done, bills to pay, disasters at every turn, children to take care of... infertility... miscarriage... a countless number of things that can make you actually forget to enjoy your marriage!! Have fun together... make special time for each other every week, even if it's something small. Mike and I like to go sit at the bar at firebird's, have a steak and a glass of wine and watch whatever game is on. We do this almost every week, it's our special little simple "together" time, time to unwind, leave all our problems behind and just hang out together. The time doesn't always have to be anything big like a vacation or anything romantic like a fancy date... it can just be laying together on the couch watching a movie. The intimacy of being able to just be with someone and relax is amazing and important. Be each other's best friend. What is better than getting to spend EVERY day with your best friend?!

 

 

6. Stop thinking grass may be greener on the other side. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Everyone's grass needs tending. No one's marriage is perfect, and every marriage takes work. Just know that marriage doesn't have to entirely be work!! It's dangerous to think there are perfect marriages because you will always feel like yours is falling short. It's not... life is what you make it. My husband's saying of "it is what it is" used to irritate and infuriate me, it seemed like such a blow-off... but there are things in life you can't change or always fix! And that is okay! The important thing is that you are willing to make the effort to tend your marriage's "grass". The more you nurture your relationship, the better it will be... and the "work" feeling will diminish. Whatever you do... do it together, and your marriage will be strong and healthy and beautiful... your grass will be beautiful. :)

 

And finally...

 

7. Do not make yourself or your spouse number one in your marriage.

 

Wait... What??? Yeah I know... don't do it.

 

Make GOD number one. Always. If God is the one leading your marriage, there is no way you can fail. Pray together, worship together, put your spouse above other people, but never EVER above God. I wish I had known this on the day we got married. I vaguely knew it but I didn't KNOW it, or at least I didn't know how to do it. This is something we have learned together over the years. We had to learn to follow God's plan for our lives (and our marriage) and it has grown better with every passing moment. It hasn't always been easy but... Relationships THRIVE when God is at the center of them. Growing closer to God individually and together will bring the deepest love and appreciation and happiness that you can ever imagine... sometimes even way more than you can imagine. Any marriage can succeed as long as God is leading the way of two willing hearts.

 

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So, Lauren, I hope these are the answers you were looking for... probably way more than you wanted to hear, but these are my thoughts. At least part of them : )

 

The only thing I would say I would do differently had I known how our marriage would turn out, is to slow down. I would have concentrated less on what the wedding should be and more on what our marriage should be like. The best thing we ever did during our engagement was a church-based marriage counseling using the book "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. We still look back at it from time to time when we are feeling frustrated and not understanding one another. Men and women will always react and/or think differently about almost every situation... so don't expect the other person to read your mind! Use your words, even when you feel like you shouldn't have to explain yourself... explain yourself anyways, you'll be amazed at how many arguments you avoid that way.

 

And to those readers out there who are thinking about getting married  or engaged? Pray for direction and guidance from God. You don't need luck. You just love. Love each other every day and thank God for every day that you get to spend together. The rest, you can figure out... as long as you're willing to figure it out together.

With everything that has happened in our time together, a little bad and a lot of good. I am thankful for every second of it, because I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.

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For those of you looking for an update to our story... there isn't too much news, but one is coming soon.

The Letdown

For most things in life, the more you do them, the easier they become. I would have to say that miscarriage should be within the top 10 exceptions for that rule (or at LEAST the top 20). When you become pregnant it becomes an entirely new love, and therefore an entirely new heartbreak. You are never prepared to let that child go... you never WANT to.... and if you have to say goodbye it is nearly unbearable... at least that has been my experience.

People keep asking how I'm doing... the answer to this question generally is "fine" or "I'm doing ok," which isn't a lie... per se. It's more of a partial truth. Honestly even if I'm not fine I will tell someone I am because it is either what they want to hear or it is a time that I just don 't feel like delving into how I'm REALLY feeling at the moment. Most of the time I actually am ok, or at least as okay as a person who has lost three children can be. I get out of bed in the mornings, even when I don't want to. I go to work, I do my job to the best of my ability. I keep my house clean... I love on my puppies. I try to be a good wife. All in all, I am living my life, even when I don't want to. Life is funny that way, it keeps going even when you feel like you can't... so you muster the strength to conquer each day, sometimes only an hour or two at a time. If I had things my way, I would take my husband and my three dogs and move off to St. Lucia for a few months... or years. But the reality is, I have a job... and bills... and people and things to tend to. So that's what I do. I live.

I fight through the depression of each day without my children, my stomach now flat and lifeless... I laugh when things are funny... I cry when I get really sad. I let myself feel the spectrum of emotions that are humanly possible. I think part of the grace of God is that He doesn't let us feel the full burden of some pains because it would be unbearable. I am not mad at God for our situation. It is hard to write about though, that's why it has taken me so long to find the words to put on paper... well, on the screen. Some people say to give all your problems over to God, and that is true. But what they don't tell you is that just because you give it to God, doesn't make it hurt any less. The hurt in this instance is still palpable. I know one day I will heal, but the ache for my children will remain until I am united with them in Heaven.

When I wrote about our first miscarriage, it was easier... the words flowed freely. The lesson I needed to learn had become apparent, I could find reason in it. I was better for it. But now? It hasn't been long enough. I don't know what we are supposed to learn from this. Maybe we are doing something in our lives that we shouldn't be... or maybe we should be doing something that we aren't. We just at this point have no idea what that is, so we go on. Day by day... living the best that we know how.

Physically my body is healing. I look like it is back to normal and I hope that I will be soon. I had retained products after the D&C which means that there was some tissue that was left behind after the surgery that I had to pass naturally. The d&c is a blind procedure which means there is no imaging, such as ultrasound, guiding the doctor to remove the sac of the baby (or in my case sacs). I've had a ton of blood drawn to do various panels of labs that test for recurrent miscarriage causes. I also have to re-do some testing that was previously done. My doctor wants to re-examine the possibility of my uterus having a septum. Right now, we know practically nothing. Except that my beta HCG (the pregnancy hormone) has not completely dropped to zero. This level will be rechecked weekly until it bottoms out. We have no current plans to do another transfer any time soon. Between the expense of IVF and the fact that we only have 2 frozen embryos, we want to know everything we can and try to have ideal circumstances for our next transfer, it will likely be our last. I can't even think about that right now, though. The fear of it far outweighs the excitement at this point.

We need a break. After all of our next testing is done we plan to take as long as we need to finish healing, physically and mentally. Maybe do some traveling. Have some fun as a married couple. If we had a bigger house we would probably get another doggie. : ) They bring so much joy and love into our lives... always full of kisses no matter how bad of a mood we are in.

My birthday is on Saturday. I will be 29. I feel so much older though. I always dreamed that I would be done having children by the time I was 30. My parents were so young when they had us, I wanted to be able to have the same kind of bond as we do... the young parents that are so often the "cool" parents. For now, my dream of being a mother feels so far out of reach, it's heartbreaking. I see it happening all around me... even to people that don't want it to happen, but for some reason, it is still not my time and that hurts so much... but I have no choice but to live with it... and make the best I can out of it.

I bought myself the new Tenth Avenue North album "The Struggle" today. It couldn't be more appropriate for how I'm feeling. So far my favorite song on the album is called "Strangers Here"

 

"Strangers Here"

I know you’re tired of the hurt and the heartache
You feel like giving in, you feel like walking away
And I know it’s difficult feeling so out of place
But this is not how it’s gonna be
Your pain is temporary

We’re all strangers here
So it’s alright if you can’t
Stop the tears that you cry
‘Cause some day we’ll touch the face of our God
And the sorrow will disappear
Until then, we’re strangers here

That’s hard to hear if you want to keep chasing
This broken world that only keeps your heart breaking
So if you’re scared ‘cause you think that you’re missing out
This is not the ending
No, this is not the ending

We’re all strangers here
So it’s alright if you can’t
Stop the tears that you cry
‘Cause some day we’ll touch the face of our God
And the sorrow will disappear
Until then, we’re strangers here

This is not the homeland
We can see the lights from here
He’s making us a city
Where there are no fears
And it’s drawing near

Until then, we’re strangers here
We’re just strangers here
We’re all strangers here
So it’s alright if you can’t
Stop the tears that you cry
‘Cause some day we’ll touch the face of our God
And the sorrow will disappear
Until then, we’re strangers here

I don't know what life will be like from here on out, but I do know that it will be okay. I will survive. I will get through each day. I'm comforted knowing that I have the love of an amazing man that I get to come home to every day. I'm so lucky for that. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I hope he knows that. I thank God every day for him... and my dogs... and my whole "thankful" list. The power of positive thinking right? I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a lot to be thankful for... but we always want more don't we? We want our babies. We want them here on Earth with us. We take as much comfort as we can in the fact that they are safe, in Heaven... they will never know pain and sadness. They will forever only know love and happiness. That's really the greatest thing any of us can wish for our children.

I know that God will ultimately use this experience for good, for His Glory. I can't wait to see what He has planned... praying for the strength to see this through...

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Dear babies,

We miss you so very much.

With all the love our hearts are capable of,
Mommy and daddy.