My thoughts on Marriage?

I have recently had this question posted to me from  a person I have been friends with for years. I realized, as this was posted on Facebook, that a simple response was impossible. She might regret asking my thoughts, but she should know by now that by asking my opinion, she might very well get more than  she bargained for. : )

What marriage advice would you give a newly engaged couple? (doing research for a paper)

Okay, so let's get into this. First off, I would like to make it known that I am by no means an expert on the subject... everything I say may not be right for you, but this is what works for us.

1. Be sure. Be 100% sure. When I met Mike in 2010, I told a friend I was with that first night, "that boy is going to change my world." Boy, did he. I knew there was something different about him. I knew this would be a relationship unlike any I had ever encountered. I could feel it in my bones. Even after he stood me up for our first date... even after we realized we would both be challenging. When he got down on one knee in front of me and my whole family and pulled out that ring.... everything inside of me screamed YES! I knew. I never doubted it, even when I was mad and said I doubted it, inside I knew differently. I never really doubted it.
Now let's flash back a few years, before I met Mike. This is something I don't like to talk about but I think is important to mention here. Something I wish I had known when I was younger. Just because a man proposes to you, doesn't mean you have to say yes. If he's not the one God wants for you to marry, you will know. You will have doubts. Major doubts. I was engaged once before, a long time ago. When that guy got down on one knee everything inside of me cringed and screamed, no No NO DON'T DO THIS. But then what do you do when this guy with a diamond is down on one knee, I heard the word 'yes' come out of my mouth... but I knew it just wasn't right. It would, thankfully, not last very long. I knew in my bones that he was not the one for me... it led to a bitter end of a relationship that should have ended years before.
You hear that cliche' "when you know, you know" ?? Well I believe that 100% Mike and I were only together 7 months when he proposed. We just knew. Without a doubt in my mind or my heart I married the one true love of my life.

2. Divorce is not an option. I'm not talking extreme circumstances... I'm just saying too many people divorce because "it's too hard" or "I'm unhappy" or "I fell out of love". Don't buy into the worldly view that if it doesn't work out, we will get a divorce, but for now we will be happy. Don't make divorce an option in your marriage. Don't even use the word. Even in the heat of the worst fights, do not use this word. Divorce is a virus that is running rampant and spreading evil throughout the world. Marriage is a covenant made before GOD. The two joined in this manner are quite literally becoming one in the eyes of their creator. [[See Mark chapter 10]]

And Jesus said to them, “Because of your ehardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But ffrom the beginning of creation, ‘God made them gmale and female.’ 7 h‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,1 8 and ithe two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 jWhat therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

 

 

3. Staying on this subject, let's talk about love. People talk about love as if it is an emotion... and it is. BUT it is so much more. Love is an action verb. Love is something you have to commit to every single day. You choose to love. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself... I love this person. When you act "love" you feel love. Those initial feelings of "this person can do no wrong and the world is all butterflies and rainbows" WILL go away. When that happens, many people choose to throw in the towel. It IS a choice. You can choose to stop loving. Don't. Do something nice for your spouse to show them love as often as you can... no matter how big or small. My husband brings me flowers nearly every week, that gesture always fills my heart to overflowing with the knowledge that he loves me without even hearing the words.

I show love by baking something special, cooking for him or cleaning up after him without complaining. It may sound old fashioned, but when my husband comes home from a long day and has to work on homework for hours and goes to bed late, then gets up the next morning and finds all his work clothes already clean and ready to wear... he knows he is loved. Love is an action. Do everything you can to show love... not just the words or physical love... although those are very important, your spouse needs to know without a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, you will always be there to love them.

Loving someone sometimes means going to bed angry (despite what nearly everyone will tell you). It's much better to go to bed angry and wake up calm the next day than to say something unloving that you will later regret and that your spouse will remember for a very long time.

Everyone loves in a different way, learn what works for you and your spouse and do it. (I've been meaning the read The 5 Love Languages, a book about what shows love for different types of people). What works for me does not work for my husband and vice versa. You think he'd get all giddy over a flower? Please... but his cup runs over with knowledge that I love him when I hug him or kiss him on the cheek when he least expects it... or I randomly tell him I am proud of him and respect him beyond measure. And if he's reading this... I really do my dear husband... You are truly the greatest man I know.

 

 

4. Think twice before complaining about your spouse. Chances are the things that you are fighting about are silly and you will get over it before you know it, but bringing other people into your so-called problems will make them linger. I'm not saying you won't have legitimate arguments about important things or that your spouse will never seriously hurt your feelings... I'm saying, when you talk bad about your spouse or complain about them to your friends, they will remember it. They will also, mostly innocently, bring those times up again when they hear you complaining yet again. This action puts you on the "other" side of the team... you should ALWAYS try to stay on your partner's side. You are a team.... you are THE team. You should always always make an effort to uplift your spouse instead of putting them down, even if you think they will never know about it.

Everyone makes this mistake at times, it's just human nature to "gossip". Just try not to. Trust me, your marriage will benefit from the constant "lifting up" of one another, and soon it will be second nature to you... you will see your spouse in a different light than you see the rest of the world. They will never be perfect, but it is important to remind yourself (and those around you) that they are perfect for you.

When you do talk to your friends or your friends talk to you about their marriages, be supportive and understanding and never talk down their spouse. Yes, there are moments you will inadvertenly blurt out "no he didn't!" but try to avoid the "what a jerk" comments and instead say things like "I'm sorry you're upset" or "you guys love each other, this is just a rough patch". I can't even count the number of times that my best friend and I have reassured each other over the years through our marriages. Sometimes you do need an outside ear to listen, but be cautious about who you choose. Choose someone who you know will be rational. Someone who supports Team "Mr. and Mrs." Someone who understands the importance of keeping the integrity and closeness in your marriage.

 

 

5. I had a patient at work recently that had been married for 64 years. My favorite question to ask such couples is, "what is your secret to staying married for so long?" Her response? "I've just enjoyed it!" I could see the love shining from her face as she said those words. Seems simple right?

Often times life gets in the way, and you forget to simply enjoy your marriage. There are things to worry about, work to be done, bills to pay, disasters at every turn, children to take care of... infertility... miscarriage... a countless number of things that can make you actually forget to enjoy your marriage!! Have fun together... make special time for each other every week, even if it's something small. Mike and I like to go sit at the bar at firebird's, have a steak and a glass of wine and watch whatever game is on. We do this almost every week, it's our special little simple "together" time, time to unwind, leave all our problems behind and just hang out together. The time doesn't always have to be anything big like a vacation or anything romantic like a fancy date... it can just be laying together on the couch watching a movie. The intimacy of being able to just be with someone and relax is amazing and important. Be each other's best friend. What is better than getting to spend EVERY day with your best friend?!

 

 

6. Stop thinking grass may be greener on the other side. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Everyone's grass needs tending. No one's marriage is perfect, and every marriage takes work. Just know that marriage doesn't have to entirely be work!! It's dangerous to think there are perfect marriages because you will always feel like yours is falling short. It's not... life is what you make it. My husband's saying of "it is what it is" used to irritate and infuriate me, it seemed like such a blow-off... but there are things in life you can't change or always fix! And that is okay! The important thing is that you are willing to make the effort to tend your marriage's "grass". The more you nurture your relationship, the better it will be... and the "work" feeling will diminish. Whatever you do... do it together, and your marriage will be strong and healthy and beautiful... your grass will be beautiful. :)

 

And finally...

 

7. Do not make yourself or your spouse number one in your marriage.

 

Wait... What??? Yeah I know... don't do it.

 

Make GOD number one. Always. If God is the one leading your marriage, there is no way you can fail. Pray together, worship together, put your spouse above other people, but never EVER above God. I wish I had known this on the day we got married. I vaguely knew it but I didn't KNOW it, or at least I didn't know how to do it. This is something we have learned together over the years. We had to learn to follow God's plan for our lives (and our marriage) and it has grown better with every passing moment. It hasn't always been easy but... Relationships THRIVE when God is at the center of them. Growing closer to God individually and together will bring the deepest love and appreciation and happiness that you can ever imagine... sometimes even way more than you can imagine. Any marriage can succeed as long as God is leading the way of two willing hearts.

 

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So, Lauren, I hope these are the answers you were looking for... probably way more than you wanted to hear, but these are my thoughts. At least part of them : )

 

The only thing I would say I would do differently had I known how our marriage would turn out, is to slow down. I would have concentrated less on what the wedding should be and more on what our marriage should be like. The best thing we ever did during our engagement was a church-based marriage counseling using the book "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. We still look back at it from time to time when we are feeling frustrated and not understanding one another. Men and women will always react and/or think differently about almost every situation... so don't expect the other person to read your mind! Use your words, even when you feel like you shouldn't have to explain yourself... explain yourself anyways, you'll be amazed at how many arguments you avoid that way.

 

And to those readers out there who are thinking about getting married  or engaged? Pray for direction and guidance from God. You don't need luck. You just love. Love each other every day and thank God for every day that you get to spend together. The rest, you can figure out... as long as you're willing to figure it out together.

With everything that has happened in our time together, a little bad and a lot of good. I am thankful for every second of it, because I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.

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For those of you looking for an update to our story... there isn't too much news, but one is coming soon.

An Unbelievable Blessing

When the hubby and I were processing all this information we had received from our new doctor... it was time to have a serious conversation about finances. I have always been frugal, but like any other girl... I like to shop, though I don't do it in excess. We had been squirreling away money into a "baby" account for months. We wanted to go the IVF route per the doctor's recommendation... but it was just so expensive! We had to be prepared to spend $15,000 and it was clear on every form we filled out from the beginning that any procedure must be paid for up front. That number alone was enough to put me into pure panic mode.

It was time to take off our "mommy/daddy" hats and put on our "husband/wife" hats. Our instincts said... DO IT! FIND A WAY!... But the rational parts of our brains said, you have a family to provide for. So we talked it out... we wanted to do this, but we wanted to do it right. We did not want to put ourselves deep in debt and then not have anything left over to provide for our little one if it worked. So we prayed... Dear God, You are leading us down this path, we trust You and want to follow Your will. Lord, if this is Your will we pray that you will provide a way for us. If it is not, we pray that You will give us wisdom to make the right decision on where to go from here. I shed a few tears, which by now should be no surprise to you... and we went on about our night.

The next day, my sweet husband went to his boss and told him where we were at. They have known about our loss and struggle with infertility and told him if there was ever anything we needed to come to him. He showed him the price list on what everything would cost. Then his boss said something to the effect of "let me look this over and talk to some people and I'll get back with you." Conveniently the man he needed to talk to called right after to talk about some other business, while they were on the phone, he immediately informed him of our situation. After being informed of everything, this wonderful man proposed this... they would pay for the entire procedure up front. $7,500 of that would be an outright payment from the company for our cause... the rest would be a loan to us. Zero percent interest. With however long we needed to pay it off. Mike told them what we had in our "baby" account, and he was told, you keep that, you might need it... we would pay it back by them "keeping" his bonuses or however else we wanted to pay it back... interest free. An amazing proposal right?! But now we had to wait... this proposal would be made to the Head Honcho of the business. All we could do was pray. God if this is your will, please let this go through.

We prayed all weekend. We went to the zoo with my family... we saw the movie I had been wanting to see... we had an amazing church service... found a new favorite pizza place... Monday morning, I went to work and Mike went to physical therapy (for a bad knee). I had more blood drawn. I waited and waited and waited for news... but nothing came.

I went to get groceries, was making a dish for my church women's meeting that was the next night, then I got the text. "Can't call right now but just talked to the boss... approved!! I love you!! Tell everyone for us!!! I love you so much!!!!" I dropped the spatula I was holding. I immediately dialed my mom... when I was telling her I burst into tears. I was laughing and crying... I had chills, goosebumps... it was the most amazing feeling ever. I called Mike's parents next... everyone was overwhelmed by this amazing blessing. I couldn't wait for my husband to get home... I felt so blessed. And proud... proud of the man he is, I felt like it said so much about his character that his company would do this amazing thing for us. I am sitting here in awe still. As soon as he got home we hugged and kissed and prayed the most thankful prayers of our life!!

So that is where we are... amazing blessed... feeling so loved. IVF here we come!!

How Miscarriage and Infertility can Grow Your Marriage

In Lieu of offering the next chapter in today's post, I would like to focus on a topic in honor of our wedding anniversary. Yes, you read that heading right...

How Miscarriage and Infertility can Grow Your Marriage

 

 

Or at least, how it grew ours...

I know what you're thinking. I know what you've heard. A lot of marriages fall apart after the loss of a child, no matter the age of the child. A lot of marriages fall apart during the "infertility journey". I've heard it a thousand times... a thousand different stories of women who are struggling with this alone. My heart breaks for those women.

 

Here are a few mistakes we made at the beginning of this journey:

• We expected each other to read the other's mind. I know this is a common problem in general for us women, but I found him doing it too. I wasn't telling him when I was sad, I was lashing out at him because I was angry that he couldn't just 'sense' when I was having a bad day.
• He wasn't telling me that he was feeling the pain too. Some men are so stoic, and my husband is definitely one of those men. He commonly joked at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't have feelings. Once that facade cracked however... he was human after all.
• I am naturally a crier, but I wasn't telling him when I just needed to 'get it out' and when I needed his support and kind words. So a lot of the time I cried alone no matter what the case was.
• I took my anger with myself out on him. Mostly in the form of a bad attitude.
• He never got angry. [Yes, this is a mistake... because anger held in is volatile]
• I was trying to carry all of the burden on my own, I believed everything that was happening was my fault and I was ashamed and guilty.
• I was focused on getting pregnant again. It became my top priority.
• Honestly, I half expected him to bail at any moment. I was the infertile one. I had lost our baby. I was the one who was an emotional wreck.
• We weren't prepared for the side effects of our treatment.

 

Then there was a long long long night of fighting... post breakdown.

 

Here is how we fixed some of those mistakes:

• He told me that a lot of times he needed me to tell him when I needed him and exactly what I needed from him.
• I know in our subconscious we wish that we did not have to do this, that if he really knew us he would just know what to say and when to say it! Right?! Yeah, right. Life doesn't work that way. How can he give you exactly what you need when he has no clue what that is??
• I told him I needed him to be more emotional.
• I know in guy mind this is crying over weepy chick flicks and such. I just needed to know that he HAD emotions... for me and for our baby in heaven and for how all of this infertility stuff just sucked.
• He checked up on me more... more genuine questions... "How are you really doing today?" "Do you need anything?" "Is there anything I can do for you?"
• I also found myself reaching out to him more in the same way... him initiating these questions reminded me to do the same for him.
• We agreed to be honest about our anger. When we were having a bad day and someone was being crabby... the other would say "Okay, now tell me what you are really upset about."
• This immediately catches the other person off guard and makes them stop the hissy fit and focus on the real problem. Then you can work it out together.
• I know I've mentioned this before, but he never placed the blame on me... he always used the term we. The more I heard him say this, no matter whether the subject was our loss or infertility or being childless... he always said we. ALWAYS. He never even let one "she" slip. He still hasn't.
• We finally both knew we were in this together.
• Yes I am the one going to the appointments... I am the one having blood drawn every 4 weeks. I am the one who had the painful tests. I am the one on medication that wreaks havoc on my body in ten different ways. But HE is the one who always brings out the we. (I can't emphasize the importance of this enough, if there are any men out there reading this) "Okay so what do we do next?" "When do we test again?" and so on... and finally I accepted the fact that he would be by my side no matter what.
• We prayed together.
• He read me bible stories, teaching me countless things I had never learned before.
• We went to church together.
• He bought me flowers more often.
• This is the one way ticket straight to my heart. Flowers always make me smile, no matter how sad or angry I am. This was a simple way to show that he loves me. He still does this... in fact, I'm staring at beautiful red roses as we speak. And YES flowers from the grocery store count!! I want to be frugal too ya know!
• We re-read passages from the book we had to read during our premarital counseling.
• Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. I recommend you have this book in your home no matter what is going on in your life. I can't tell you how much it helped us grow as individuals AND in our marriage.
• We put GOD first. Next on the list was our marriage.
• I know battling infertility and loss can make getting pregnant your top priority. Don't do that... YES it is important, but without GOD being first and your marriage being the most important thing after Him, your marriage will suffer.
• We agreed to follow whatever path God was leading us on.
• This was a tough one... and it would take me a while to fully trust in this path, but now that I have, it has taken so much tension and pressure off of us. I'm not saying our life is all rainbows and butterflies since we made this decision, but I can truly say it is a thousand times better.
• He learned to take things in stride when I was medicated.
• Fertility medicine can wreak HAVOC on you emotionally and physically. I was/am a basket-case during those days. I'm talking full on Jekyll and Hyde. So, I tell him exactly when I start medications so he can be prepared.
• We stopped fighting over the little things.
• Once you face "real problems" in life... the little stuff just doesn't seem to hold any significance. Sure, there are times I get irritated when the kitchen sink is full and there is random "stuff" laying all around the house the day after I clean the entire thing... but really? Is that something to fight about?! Come on! They're just dishes... it's just laundry... etc...
• We say "I love you" more.
• A simple gesture that can change the world.
• We learned to joke about our situation.
• It takes the pressure off... especially if you're having one of those "everybody is pregnant but me" days... like after you hear that someone 6-10 years younger than you is unexpectedly knocked up, or that girl who has 3 children by 3 different people is suddenly "with child" once more after a drunken night at the club...

Our marriage is not perfect... NO marriage is perfect! But it is perfect for us. We are beyond happy together. You just have to make the best out of whatever situation you find yourself in... the most important lesson here is to not alienate your partner. Lean on each other!! You are PARTNERS! Remember that, when you feel yourself getting mad or irritated! You are on the same team, you are fighting the same battle... and you do NOT have to do it alone!

Marriage isn't easy... it takes work. But the work is the fun part! Work to love one another more and more everyday! Then, together... you can overcome anything!

Bottom line. I would not be able to do any of this without him. I would not have survived our loss without him. I would not be able to battle our infertility without him. He is my strong fortress when I feel like the world is caving in on top of me. I am constantly amazed at the man he has become... at the HUSBAND he has blossomed into. He is my rock. He is my soul mate. He is my God-given partner and I love him beyond what any words can describe. We have been through so much in our short time together, but it feels like we have been together a lifetime. I wouldn't trade one second with him for a thousand years with anyone else.