Time to take my own advice, Love ALONE is worth the Fight

Once in a blue moon, you find a song that speaks to your soul. It has a way of uplifting you more than any ordinary words or actions can do. It's the kind of song you put on repeat and play endlessly, when no one else is around (because if someone else was in the car with you and you listened to the same song fifty times, people might think you've lost it). It's the kind of song that trumps any anxiety medicine. It can make you smile through your tears. Currently, this is that song:

 

"Love Alone Is Worth The Fight" -Switchfoot

 

The closer it gets to my surgery, the higher my anxiety level goes. I don't exactly know what I'm afraid of... but my nerves are getting the best of me! So let me break down for you exactly why this song speaks to me so much:

I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases 

Everyone is looking for their own place in the world, we are no different. We know where and what we want to be... that's obvious, parents. That is our desire. We've gotten so close... so close we could taste it. We've gotten pregnant... we've gotten pregnant with twins... we have had a successful IVF procedure... we got so close... we were so happy, so in love with our children. We felt like the fight was over... and yet...

So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice

Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

 

Now we find ourselves back to square one. Starting over. So frustrating. We had it... and it slipped through our fingers. I find that I have been asking myself what would I tell someone else in this situation... keep the faith, stay on the path... even if that path seems to take you back to the beginning. It's worth it. The end result is worth the pain and frustration. That is what I would say. Honestly, I love to give advice. I'm always open to give someone a listening ear and then give my opinion if they asked for it. (Many times in the past I would give anyone advice even if they didn't ask for it, but now I don't recommend this tactic very often). But who likes to take their own advice? It's so much easier to tell someone else what they should do... even if it's not what they want to hear. Once in a blue moon... the person's advice you need, is within you. Listen to the words God gives you that you think are intended for others... maybe they are really intended for you.

 And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is

And it's all an illusion

A 21st century institution

 

Sometimes I look our life and I cannot believe that we have been through so much in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we barely even got to enjoy being married before we were thrown into the cruel world of pregnancy loss and infertility. Sometimes we hurt so much that we can barely even feel the pain... we go into a sort of shock because, surely the weight of it all would kill us. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real. We go to the appointments, we hear the doctor's advice... and we move on with the plan, as long as God provides, we push forward. 

 So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

 

And we push on... with God by our side. We have faith we are on the right path, due to His provisions. Our insurance company should cover our surgery 100%, at least that's what they are currently saying. How could we refuse? If the doctor says he believes it will help future pregnancies... if our insurance is willing to pay for it... we can't say no. The door is open... and we are boldly headed through it. When you are faced with these decisions, surely you do learn what you are made of... I know we have, repeatedly. I feel as if any mother in my situation would do the same. Think about it, if you could do something that might save the lives of your future children, you would do it... right? How can I not? Even if it is just a slight chance of decreasing the odds of miscarrying again, I have to do it! Please don't get me wrong here, I know that God is the one in control of every situation, but He is making provisions for us to have this procedure... He is the one that opened the door, how can we not walk through it? Especially with Him by our side.   

 

We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown

While we are here, we will keep on fighting... we fight for our future children. We fight to honor our children that have gone to Heaven... We fight to spread the word that no matter what happens in life, God is good. God is love. We fight to find our place in life, whether it is what we think it should be or not, we fight to follow God's leading. We sometimes fear the future, we fear the things we are currently faced with (like my surgery) but we believe God will use whatever comes of it for good. We believe that God loves us. We believe that these things aren't happening to punish us or because we deserve it... we may never know the reason, at least not here in this life, but it is for a reason. God has a reason for everything, even when we do not have the answers.

And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

Here we are, here we go
Where the road is our own
Hear it calling you home
Here we are, here we go!
Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

One of the biggest life lessons that my brother taught me, was that we are fighters. We are overcomers. We have seen many battles in our lives, most of which you will never read about... From a young age he taught me that no matter what happens, we are survivors. It is simply what we do. When we are faced with hard times, we brace ourselves... we push through it. He told me this and showed me this so many times that I actually believed it, no questions asked. It became a part of me. No matter what happened, I knew that we would get through it... because there was no other option. He showed me how to have faith before I even knew what faith was. He saved me from so much turmoil by reminding me, we are fighters... we will survive. Now as an adult, I still live and breathe by this. We fight. We overcome. We give the fight everything we've got.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Looking back now, I can see through every situation in which I found myself, God was by my side. God was fighting for me. God has always loved me, well before I ever fully accepted Him. He has always been fighting for me... because  to him, I was worth it. I am still worth it. He still fights for me! He wants my love, and that is enough reason for Him to fight... for me. I am still a fighter... I am a fighter with the grace of God on my side. When you've come so far, what is there to fear? If you are on God's side, there is no reason to fear. He has already overcome the world. Jesus has already paid the ultimate price... so I repeat, if you are ultimately saved, what do you have to fear? No matter what happens in this life, one thing I am sure of is where I will spend eternity, what more is there to worry about?

Love alone is worth the fight!

I want you to know that whatever you are fighting for... it is worth it. God will stand by your side... God will fight for you because your love is worth it. You are worth it.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Fight the good fight... fight for your God. Fight for your relationship. Fight to be with the one you love. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your health. Fight to survive. Fight for your dreams. Fight for your children. Fight to see the beauty in the world. Fight for love...

... it is so worth it.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do... play it loud. :)
 



An Outpouring of Love

Keeping with the discussion of love...

I received an amazingly sweet surprise this past Saturday. My best friend texted me asking if she could come by because she had something "she'd been working on"... okay, sure. Not thinking too much of it... she couldn't have been up to TOO much, I thought, because not only does she have two beautiful children AND a full time job, the previous weekend she had graduated college. I was beyond proud of her for this huge accomplishment that I know she has worked incredibly hard for. I am amazed at the woman she is... she does so much... I like to think of her sometimes as super mom as she texts me to check on me in between playing with her daughter, nursing her son, cooking a gluten-free meal for her hubby and writing another 10 page paper... lol. I wasn't surprised when she said she could only stay a few minutes.

I WAS surprised by what she had in her arms when I answered the door. It was a gift... she had been working for a couple of weeks putting it together. She had conspired with our friends and part of my family to put it all together.

This basket is filled with little gifts...things for relaxation, the angel of friendship from the collection I love and letters for each big process of our rapidly upcoming IVF cycle. It is SO HARD not to break into those letters. It even has drawings for my friends' children... that I also cannot look at until a certain day. I was in complete awe. I don't know where she found the time to do any of this... and words cannot express my gratitude for this outpouring of love. But that's what best friends are for right? You pour out to each other... I know that probably lately I have been a "needy" friend... but we all become the needy friend at some point. When your friends are down you do what you can to lift them up... and this? This was beyond anything I ever expected. My heart overflows to my dear dear friend as I look at the basket over and over.  So much love contained here. It encouraged me at a time when I was beginning to feel anxious and slightly scared.

Between my parents... and my best friend... and comments I have received about both things... I got to thinking...

You see these outpourings of love for my little family here? If you think that is amazing... think about this: if our Earthly love can pour out so much emotion... if these gestures say so much about the people we are and the people we care about... How much MORE is the love of our Heavenly Father for us?

As humans, our ways of living and loving are inherently flawed. There will always be a point when we are selfish or careless or mean or aggravated and take it all out on the people we care about most, just because they are in the line of fire... but not our Father. No matter how much we try to love someone unconditionally, we fail. Time and time again we fall short. But not our Heavenly Father.

How much do you love your friends? family? pets? spouse? children??? What would you do for them? Would you give them your all? your money? your home? your LIFE?? Would you give your children's lives??? Our Heavenly Father gave His. THAT is how much he loves you... and me... and everyone. No matter how flawed we are. No matter how many times we fall short. GOD still gave His SON for us.

The story is told clearly in the Bible. You can never forget the verse... John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He gave him up freely... Jesus gave himself to die on the cross... all for our salvation. He took our punishment... he took our sin. He took these things and replaced them with his blood... to bring us everlasting life. An eternity spent with Him.

Trying to wrap my mind around the vastness of the Lord's love leaves me breathless. It's amazing! There is NOTHING we can EVER do to mess that up! Even better!!

Take this verse... Romans 8-
³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

No matter what you are going through in your life, God loves you. When you feel alone, God is there. When you are sad, God is catching your tears. So reach out to him. His love is unending. His love is always within reach. Accepting this love is your choice, but it is free to you to receive. And by His grace you are saved (Ephesians 2:5). There will always be struggle. There will always be turmoil in the world. But you are always loved.

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And to my dear best friend... Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I still don't have the proper words to tell you how much this meant to me. You are a true expression of 1 John 4: 7-8
⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

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.... So many days recently I have felt loved beyond comprehension. I hope you all, my dear readers, feel the love as well.

The Secret Garden

A relationship with God isn't instant gratification... although you feel different. You don't decide just to give Him your heart one day and then suddenly your life is perfect. No one's life is ever perfect... no matter how it looks from the outside.

A relationship with God is a lot like putting together a garden. First you have to decide whether or not to build the garden. Building anything is work. You have to put in the time and labor. The good news is, this garden doesn't cost you anything... The price has already been paid.

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life."

1 Timothy 15-16 "The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am foremost. But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life."

Then, you have to cultivate the land. You have to give over your whole self. The good and the bad. The land has to be cleared and tilled, some might say the land needs to be broken down ... and sometimes healthy dirt needs to be brought in to enrich the soil. God can do this for you. He can wipe your slate clean.

1 Corinthians 3:9 "For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building."

Someone has to plant the seeds. At times, these seeds are already there in your heart... waiting to be properly planted. Other times, you are broken down before the seeds even come to light. But you need the seeds to grow. It can be a dear friend who loves you that simply says in your time of need "God loves you... and so do I, you are worthy of love... so much love". It can be something you heard on TV about faith... something you heard in church about 'new life' and being forgiven. It can be a piece of scripture you randomly come across when you were begging for a sign. It comes in many different forms... but commonly it is realized by a central feeling. The seed is that tugging on your heart. That nagging feeling... when God is whispering "I am here... come to me..."

Matthew 13:31-32 "The kingdom of heaven is like a grain of mustard seed that a man took and sowed in his field. It is the smallest of all seeds, but when it has grown it is larger than all the garden plants and becomes a tree, so that the birds of the air come and make nests in its branches."

Next, you have to invest time... getting to know God and listening to his word. His word is like the water to a dry garden... he is the living water. Only God can fulfill your true thirst and your real hunger. And when you dive in... you want more and more.

Isaiah 44:3 "For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground."

John 4:14 "But whoever drinks of the water I give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

Over time, it is your responsibility to weed the garden. You have to get rid of all those bad habits that you collected over the years that drag you down. You do NOT have to be perfect. As a human here on earth, there is no perfection. Changing is hard labor, it isn't easy, but it is a labor of love. These weeds of anger and resentment will be replaced by mercy and forgiveness. Go slowly if you need to, God has patience. Let's face it... humans are creatures of habit. It's our nature to want to keep living as we have been... but once you give yourself over to God... you become an example of His grace and mercy... you never know who is watching, who might be led to God by your example. Lucky for us, we have a guide book on how to live in this broken world, The Bible.

Titus 3:5 "He saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy"

Matthew 13: 37-39 "He answered, 'the one who sows the good seed is the Son of Man. The field is the world, and the good seed is the sons of the kingdom. The weeds are the sons of the evil one, and the enemy who sowed them is the devil. The harvest is the end of the age, and the reapers are angels."

This growing trust in God is like fertilizer that allows you to grow both spiritually and emotionally. Soon enough the gardens will begin to sprout new life. God has given you this new life.

Colossians 3: 2-4 "Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on Earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is our life, is revealed, then you also will be revealed with Him in glory." 

There will be bad days full of high winds and strong storms, but with God as your strong foundation... you will not be overcome. His love will shine down upon you through it all.

James 1: 12 "Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him."

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."

John 16:33 "I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world!"

Soon you will see beautiful blossoms... as all these pieces fall into place. You will realize that God has a plan for you. Will you trust him in that plan? Even if it isn't always easy? The most important thing to keep in mind is that God does not make mistakes. He chose you... He loves you... He wants to be in your life just as He wants to be in mine.

No matter how overgrown my land had become with sin and anger and pain... God renewed me. He continues to renew me every day. And I continue to see more and more blossoms opening to show their beauty to the world. Though the path was hard... it continues to be hard. I wasn't ready for the next leg of our journey. I wasn't ready for how hard our path would truly become. I wasn't ready to fully trust God yet, I thought I was... but I was not... I would get there though, slowly but surely.

If you are intrigued by this garden idea... I highly recommend reading Crossroads by William Paul Young. It is amazing. I also recommend that you read his first book as well The Shack.