The thing about being on this journey is that most days are like trying to climb your way up a steep mountain... in the pouring rain... inside a deep dense overgrown forest... with a blindfold on. Yeah, that about sums it up. Today I am feeling emotional. By emotional I mean I have spent a lot of time crying today. I watched Wall-E earlier for the first time. Leave it to Disney to leave me crying when they want you to believe that that sweet little robot has no recollection of his robot love... heck I just cried watching an episode of Food Network Star that I had recorded on our DVR.
Call me hormonal, I suppose... but today I just feel like a mess... at least I can eat. Actually, I can't stop eating today. I'm STARVING. My mother left to go home this afternoon now that I am officially out of my 48 hour bed rest period. I have been eating ever since. I'm still taking it easy, and will probably for the next... oh 9 months, God willing.
This is all part of the roller coaster. I know that. I know that all of these symptoms I have could be withdrawals from the injections or the use of hormones to sustain our little post-transfer babies. I know that I am the type of person to overanalyze any and every symptom I have... that's what I have always done on this journey for two years... but now? I have to make myself stop. Easier said than done when a simple innocent thought can put me into a pile of weepy tears in a millisecond. But I must... I must TRUST.
When I stop... and I pray... I feel the peace. I just have to figure out how to hold on to that peace. The good part of it? God doesn't care how many times a day we come to him and ask him for peace. He loves giving it to us. I also believe He loves when we make it a point to come to HIM for it without trying to find it in other avenues. Don't wear out Google searching for "post transfer IVF success symptoms". Instead... break out that bible. Break out that devotional... you just might find that word you're so longing to hear... like this:
This is today's entry from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Yes, Kandie... I stole this picture from you. ; )
My friend Kandie and I are on such similar journeys... it's definitely a God thing that we found each other... so of course we are reading the same devotional. You should definitely check out her blog here.
I know that over the next days and weeks my mind is going to wander to a thousand places and I am going to feel a thousand feelings. The only thing I can control is where I go from here... and I want to go to Jesus.
God... give me the strength... the patience... the protection. I know we are asking to keep our miracle... but that is only in Your hands, we are fully aware of that... and we are fully trusting YOU and only YOU in that.
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Dear babies... I know I've told you a million times already... but I love you so much. Hold tight to me my dears... Let God protect us all... xo
Saturday morning I was awoken with a call from our embryologist, or as I like to call him... the babysitter. He had excellent news. Out of our 21 fertilized eggs we had 6 embryos in excellent condition and 5 in average condition. The embryologist was very thrilled, he said these were excellent results. He then said the rest were below average or fragmented (read not developing properly). I spent the rest of Saturday on the couch resting... only doing a couple of things around the house. I was still feeling the effects of the retrieval.
Sunday was the longest day ever. Our babysitter told me he would not be calling me that day, not because they weren't there, but because it is best to leave the babies in the incubator with the least disturbance as possible. Whatever is good for our little darlings! I was still sore... so Mike let me slept in. I hated missing church, but I knew it would be difficult to get up and around in a brisk manner. Showering felt like a job. I was exhausted before I even got my hair completely dry.
Although I still wasn't feeling too great... I had developed cabin fever. Big time. We planned to go to an afternoon movie with hub's best friend and his awesome girlfriend and then to an early dinner. We saw World War Z. Zombie movies are not hub's favorite genre, so I was surprised by the choice. I actually really enjoy these types of movies and books... I know it's weird. I blame that on being partially raised by my brother. : ) I will say this however... nothing will get your mind off of your anxieties better than watching a bunch of people try to save the world from a zombie virus.
I slept horribly last night. It was not due to the movie... when I have bad dreams they tend to be way more realistic than zombies. As I tossed and turned... I began to pray. I prayed for healing. I prayed for our little embies growing in their incubator... I prayed for good results... I prayed for our future. I prayed for God's will and OUR understanding of that will. That is the most important part of all of this... following God's plan for our life. That is when the blessings flow, and boy are they flowing.
I got the call from our babysitter this morning. He was joyful as always, which instantly put me at ease. He said he peeked at our little eggos today and they are developing into blastocysts... right on track!! I cannot wait to see them tomorrow. I will arrive at the surgery center at 9:45 in the morning and the procedure will occur by 10:45. I will be given a valium before the procedure and lay on the tilt table for 30 minutes after the transfer. They plan to transfer 2 embryos.
Because of my estriadol levels before retrieval being over 4000 I have been at a high risk to develop OHSS which would build up fluid in my pelvis. The good news is that I haven't had any symptoms of this... I haven't had any weight gain, my abdomen is not distended and I have been urinating frequently (come on nothing is TMI by now). The doctor says these are excellent signs for everything to go smoothly. HOWEVER, if they get in there tomorrow and see too much fluid they may only transfer one embie. We are praying that doesn't happen. There is a much higher success rate with two transferred, plus that is our plan... that is our path. I feel it. With my curiosity peaked, I did scan myself today... and I do have some fluid in my pelvis... I'm hoping that is just a post surgical reaction and it won't be enough to put a damper on anything. It wasn't a large amount... I don't even look or feel bloated.
To work off some nerves. I cleaned the house when I got home... although it wasn't too dirty. I just know that coming home to a clean house tomorrow will make me feel more at ease. Whatever works right? I love a clean house... it calms me. I put clean sheets on the bed, since I won't be leaving them after we get home tomorrow until Thursday afternoon. I will be on strict bedrest for 48 hours when I get home. By strict I mean I am allowed bathroom privileges and am allowed to walk from the bed to the couch. That is IT. I am not allowed to get up and do ANYTHING. Hubs will be working from home tomorrow afternoon and after that, my sweet mommy is going to come stay with me so he can go to work Wednesday and Thursday. : )
We went last night to stock up on snacks that I might want or need if I'm feeling sick. It's really hard to plan what you are going to want when you can't do anything... but we tried.
So tomorrow is the big day. I feel like it has been a long time coming... it really does fly by once you start the medications. It feels like just yesterday we were meeting with Dr. Ke for the first time.
I'm so excited. I'm so happy. I can't wait to see pictures of our little babies. I feel pretty at ease right now, although I anticipate not sleeping much tonight... much like a little kid waiting on a visit from Santa Claus. Now that everything is in order... all I can do is relax. And pray. Pray pray pray.
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Dear Babies,
I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Our little ball of cells that are our miracles. We have been looking forward to this for so long. We have constantly been dreaming of you and your brothers and sisters that are growing along side of you. Mommy has done her best to do everything right for you to be healthy and happy. Tomorrow two of you will be transferred into mommy's uterus. PLEASE make yourself at home. PLEASE stick around. I know you are anxious to meet your older brother in Heaven, but we would really really love it if you would stay with us for a while. We are anxious to meet him too... maybe you already have met him... because we know you came straight from God's heart and into our world. We hope everything goes well during the transfer and the following months... But we want you to know that if anything should happen, and you get called home early... we love you. We will cherish every second we get to spend with you on this Earth, whether it is a few days or many many years. You are now and always will be our miracle babies. We love you. Forever... in this world and the next.
Forever Trusting in Love,
Mommy and Daddy (and your 3 puppies waiting to kiss your face and love you forever too)
How many times in your life do you realize that you are witnessing a miracle as it is happening? Often times it is realized after we looked back... we don't even know it is happening, often it is too hard to see the big picture as you are living through the difficulty.
My friends.... we are living through a time of miracles. And you all are our witnesses.
When we went through our injection training, Mike asked the nurse how many good mature eggs was our doctor hoping to retrieve from me. Her answer? 8. His hope for us, to give us a good chance of success... with everything that is "wrong" with my ovaries... their answer was 8 good healthy mature eggs.
Yesterday was our retrieval. I didn't feel nervous, although my heart rate of 115 gave me away... honestly I felt excited. Most importantly, I felt in peace. We didn't speak much on our way to the surgery center. I spent the entire time, in my head, in prayer. I prayed for peace and I immediately felt it. I felt all of your prayers being lifted up for us. My mother met us there... and I was ready to go! I was still hurting from my full ovaries but I knew that was a good sign that they were so full.
The nurses of East Memphis Surgery Center were amazing. Everyone went out of their way to be nice and encouraging. Everyone we met was great, the anesthesia doctor and nurse, the pre and post op nurses... and our new doctor. Our regular doctor had a very valid reason for being out of town... his daughter was graduating college. HELLO of course he had to be there! Dr. Brezina would be our doctor for this procedure and possibly for our transfer depending on the date. I know people who see him so this change in plans did not worry me at all. He was well up to date on our case. He was kind and open... just what you want from someone who is about to do a surgical procedure on me. He told us the ins and outs one more time, the risks (of course) and made us feel completely comfortable. As we walked to the surgery room and I said goodbye to my husband and my mother... he even laughed at my silly joke to my husband... He was off to give his sample upstairs, to which I replied "Do me proud Mister." The doctor burst into laughter and I immediately liked him even more for thinking I was funny. ; )
I remember being strapped down to the table (just my legs, it was not uncomfortable). I remember an oxygen mask being put on my face... and I remember the nurse anesthetist saying "this may burn a little." It did not... and I was out. I felt nothing from the procedure, I don't even remember them moving me from the surgical table to the recovery stretcher. Next thing I knew, I was just awake. I felt like I had a really good night's sleep... but I was VERY sore and VERY thirsty. I downed the glass of ginger ale they gave me in about 20 seconds. I was given some pain meds after asking about my pain level. Dr. Brezina came around the corner next smiling from ear to ear... I knew this had to be good. "We got 30 eggs," he said. Wait... what?? 30?!? "These are amazing results," he said. I'll say they are.
Keep in mind that on Tuesday we had 25 good sized follicles... and it goes like this... Not all follicles contain an egg... not all eggs will be mature... not all mature eggs will fertilize and not all fertilized eggs will mature. Keep this in mind from here on out. I wonder how many follicles matured in the day and a half before our surgery! Amazing, amazing results... based solely on God's blessing and power. I think he likes showing off sometimes. ; )
My mother and husband were given my discharge instructions. From there Mom took me home to babysit me and hubby went to work. She made one of my favorite meals... eating was thankfully not a problem. I was comfortable when I got home, slept in bed for a while. Mom went to get my pain meds. I woke up starving while she was gone and moved to the couch. I ate and passed out about 5 minutes afterwards. I slept for hours but was unfortunately awoken in bad pain. We had inadvertently let the medicine wear off. It wasn't too bad if I laid still with a heating pad. Really the worst part is moving around or going to the bathroom. The filling and emptying of my bladder moves my ovaries around, so it's a before and after pain. The bleeding hasn't been too bad, it gets less and less as time goes by... exactly as it is supposed to.
Last night wasn't too great. I'm so overly emotional. I don't know if it is the hormones or withdrawals from all the shots or the discomfort... or if the emotional impact of all of this is catching up with me. I'm crying a lot. But all in all I feel okay... just that my body is going crazy lol. I take that as a natural response. The doctor says my level of pain is not abnormal, due to the fact that "he stabbed my ovary over 30 times". His words...
I have read and re-read all of the retrieval letters that were given in our basket of love from our friends. The love you guys have for us is just overwhelming.
Now for the news you all are waiting on. I spoke to the embryologist this morning.
Out of the 30 eggs that were retrieved, 22 were mature enough to use.
Out of the 22 eggs that were mature enough to use, 21 fertilized!
Now, keep in mind, not all fertilized eggs will keep growing and developing into embryos...
All we can do, and all we ask of you, is to keep praying. This is the power of prayer! This is a time for miracles. Watch it unfold before your eyes as we are!
Praising God continually! To God ALONE be the glory!
.... for now... I'm going back to bed. : )
We love you all!
We should hear more tomorrow from the embryologist, they will decide whether to do a 3 day transfer (on Sunday) or a 5 day transfer (on Tuesday). Today is counted as day 1. Retrieval day was counted as day 0. The transfer date depends on how healthy the embryos look and how they are developing. We will transfer 2 embryos at that time. We hope for a 5 day transfer, because our doctor believes there is a greater chance of healthy implantation on day 5... but we know that God is the one in control... it will happen in His time, on His terms. We are okay with wherever and however He leads us.
Stay tuned...
