Thursday, June 27, 2013

Keeping the Trust

The thing about being on this journey is that most days are like trying to climb your way up a steep mountain... in the pouring rain... inside a deep dense overgrown forest... with a blindfold on. Yeah, that about sums it up. Today I am feeling emotional. By emotional I mean I have spent a lot of time crying today. I watched Wall-E earlier for the first time. Leave it to Disney to leave me crying when they want you to believe that that sweet little robot has no recollection of his robot love... heck I just cried watching an episode of Food Network Star that I had recorded on our DVR.

Call me hormonal, I suppose... but today I just feel like a mess... at least I can eat. Actually, I can't stop eating today. I'm STARVING. My mother left to go home this afternoon now that I am officially out of my 48 hour bed rest period. I have been eating ever since. I'm still taking it easy, and will probably for the next... oh 9 months, God willing.

This is all part of the roller coaster. I know that. I know that all of these symptoms I have could be withdrawals from the injections or the use of hormones to sustain our little post-transfer babies. I know that I am the type of person to overanalyze any and every symptom I have... that's what I have always done on this journey for two years... but now? I have to make myself stop. Easier said than done when a simple innocent thought can put me into a pile of weepy tears in a millisecond. But I must... I must TRUST.

When I stop... and I pray... I feel the peace. I just have to figure out how to hold on to that peace. The good part of it? God doesn't care how many times a day we come to him and ask him for peace. He loves giving it to us. I also believe He loves when we make it a point to come to HIM for it without trying to find it in other avenues. Don't wear out Google searching for "post transfer IVF success symptoms". Instead... break out that bible. Break out that devotional... you just might find that word you're so longing to hear... like this:

This is today's entry from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Yes, Kandie... I stole this picture from you. ; )

My friend Kandie and I are on such similar journeys... it's definitely a God thing that we found each other... so of course we are reading the same devotional. You should definitely check out her blog here.

I know that over the next days and weeks my mind is going to wander to a thousand places and I am going to feel a thousand feelings. The only thing I can control is where I go from here... and I want to go to Jesus.

God... give me the strength... the patience... the protection. I know we are asking to keep our miracle... but that is only in Your hands, we are fully aware of that... and we are fully trusting YOU and only YOU in that.


Dear babies... I know I've told you a million times already... but I love you so much. Hold tight to me my dears... Let God protect us all... xo

1 comment:

  1. Ok now I am crying! It doesn't take much anymore. I have been thinking about you nonstop! My friends even ask about you and pray for you! They asked yesterday if I had heard from you and I said no, I'm trying not to annoy her every day. Ha. I am so tense for you! But I still have a good feeling about this! God has definitely worked through you. I still say if I hadn't have found your blog that night I would have never made it through that difficult time. Your words helped pull me through to the other side! I agree, it's definitely a God thing! :)

    I know you will be on a roller coaster of emotions over the next 6 days. I wish I could help make it easier! Anytime a negative thought pops up say "NO! I have hope!" Or focus on the future! Buying a crib, decorating a room, baby showers, picking out names. You can message me anytime! (and say anything you are thinking!) I love you! Praying constantly for you and your precious babies!! :)