One of the hardest things in our situation... especially with the nature of my personality... is being completely unable to control anything that is happening in my body. As a woman, you always think that you will have a family as soon as you decide it is time. Well, apparently life does not work that way. It's a hard thing to wrap your mind around... not functioning the way a woman's body should, being that out of control is a HARD thing for me. I needed something to keep my sanity... and I found a few tricks along the way.
1. PRAY. A LOT. Finally admitting to God (as if it was any surprise to him) and to myself that I had absolutely no control in this situation. I had to say it out loud in order to fully grasp it. "God, I know only you are in control of all of this. I know that whatever may happen is only Your plan in accordance with Your will... and God? This is so hard. You know our heart's desire, we pray that our desires go along with whatever You have planned for us. PLEASE give me peace, patience and understanding as we go along this journey, whatever the outcome may be." PRAY MORE. Repeat it until you believe it whole heartedly... the more you say it, the more comfortable you become with being out of control... but having faith gives you back a sense of control. Because, you can turn to God any moment of any day... and He is there waiting. Say it again... even if you think He is tired of hearing it... it says in His word, pray without ceasing... It works!
2. Find a hobby completely unrelated to your body. Mine was baking and cooking. Baking became my therapy after our miscarriage. I found joy and fulfillment in making things that were beautiful, but more importantly, delicious! My kitchen is my second favorite room in our house. I have about 5 different cooking magazine subscriptions... and making delicious things for my husband and friends makes me feel like a better wife. I know, hello 1950's but it really does!! Thanks to pinterest I always have something I can try... For a while I even made our own juices, jerky and stocks... it was fun! Haven't had too much time for this lately, but at least I have developed lots of skills to provide nutritional meals for our family. Plus you have the added bonus of being able to control what you put into your body... I am happy to report that I am now caffeine free... and have been eating more "fertility foods." (On a funny note, if you research foods that are good for fertility, you will find most fruits are uterine and ovarian shaped... maybe a little hint from God about the benefits of his creations?? Avocado anyone?)
3. RELAX. My FAVORITE room in our house is my bathroom. I take a relaxing bath every night. It's my treat to myself that I look forward to every day. I have several different types of bubble bath and a pile of books next to my Jacuzzi tub. I think it is very important to take time for yourself to "reset" especially if you are struggling with something hard. The doggies even look in the bathtub for me if they can't find me in the house. :)
4. Laugh. Every day. Having three dogs in our house is chaotic, but in a fantastic way. Any time I am upset or angry or crying... I can fall into a puppy pile and receive as many kisses as I can stand... INSTANT THERAPY!
5. Let your husband know how much you value him. This roller coaster of hormones can do a number on us... but guess what? It does a number on your husband too. He is the one who has to put up with whoever comes home that day, whether it is Jekyll or Hyde. Let him know how much you appreciate that... and as a bonus... acknowledging this takes some of the burden off of you and makes you feel closer in your marriage. That is always a welcome bonus. He is in this too. Even though he isn't the one doing all the tests and meds and injections... this is his burden as well. You can't control the path you've been led down but you can control how you treat each other along the way.
6. Clean your house! Yeah, yeah... I know hello 1950's again... but as much frustration I deal with when it comes to my body... I CAN control my surroundings. When I feel upset or anxious... I clean. I have always done this, even before I got married. For some reason cleaning gets all my frustrations out. Now my house is not immaculate, but it is rather clean 90% of the time. Don't worry, I don't judge people who don't have as much time and energy to clean their home as much as I do. I never judge when I walk into some one's dirty house. When I go over to a friends house and everything is covered in crayons and random puzzle pieces and barbies... all I see is a happy fulfilled loving home. I hope to one day be one of those moms with toys everywhere from my little rascals destroying the place... but for now, I don't so I feel anxious if my surroundings look pretty. Sounds silly right? But it works!
7. Get lost! I love to read. I'm what you would call an avid reader, at least a book a week or more... lately it has been pre-apocalyptic Christian fiction... sometimes it's mysteries... sometimes it's thrillers (hello Hunger Games)... sometimes it is stories of experiences of Heaven... sometimes it's simple fully chick-lit. ALWAYS it is a story I get lost in... I can "forget" what is happening around me and lose myself in someone else's world... and I always feel good when my nose is in a book. It's so calming to forget about your own troubles for a while and follow someone else's story.
8. Most importantly... and I know I've said it before... In an uncontrollable situation, the most important thing is to have someone to talk to who has been there!! Knowing that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling at the time is essential. I can't stress that enough. My husband is amazing, but sometimes I need to hear from another woman that they feel or have felt this way too.
I know these tricks won't work for everyone... every person is different. But find something to keep the peace in your head :)
Now... I'm going to go do some laundry and process everything that is going to happen this week.
In similar news... we had our injection teaching today. We met with the nurse who explained how to do my injections and all of the medication... and before we left we had to practice using the needles. YIKES!! I have been dreading this for weeks. I am terrified of needles. It isn't the pain I am afraid of, it is the actual needle. Something about jabbing a sharp metal object into my own stomach freaks me out!!
So, I went in shaking, palms sweating... making notes as she explained all the aspects of our meds and how things will go from here. Then it was time. She asked if I was ready... uhm, no but okay. I took my friend's advice and made sure to pinch my stomach really hard, luckily the needle was small. I figured the longer I hesitated the worse it would be, so I just manned up and stuck it in! Like a champ!! It may sound silly but I was so proud of myself for that moment!!
Then it was Mike's turn, the shot he had to practice on me with was intramuscular. That means it's a long needle that has to go straight into the muscle of my hip. I felt really sick to my stomach as I slid my pants down for the nurse to demonstrate... He has been saying for WEEKS that he wanted to be the one to give my injections. Just the thought of the TERRIFIED ME!!!! I could just picture him jumping out from around the corner and jabbing me cause he knows how much I hate needles. So I took a deep breath and turned around really fast saying I needed just a second... another deep breath and he stuck... and he was AWESOME! His intramuscular stick hurt less than my subcutaneous stick!! So maybe he will be giving my injections throughout this after all. I am so proud of him... and of me. :)
That satisfaction gave us a little bit more feeling of control, even though we know ultimately it is ALL in God's hands!
Control is strictly a human desire, it's stuck in our minds and we can't help it! But now, it's time to let go... and let God do his work.
Now we are ready to begin! I have a baseline ultrasound Thursday to check the lining of my uterus and my follicles, and if all looks well I start injections Friday or Saturday! Yay! He says we have a greater chance of success because I am young... so let the prayers fly!!
Let's get this party started!
We would be eternally grateful for any prayer you are willing to send our way! From here on out we will be updating regularly on our journey. We love you all!