This is What it Means to be Held

Held- Natalie Grant 

Two months is too little, they let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling

Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

This is what it means to be held
How it feels when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait for one hour
Watching for our Savior

This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

 

When Mike and I were engaged I was asked to sing a "special" at church... You know the good ole' traditional southern baptist "special" where one person gets up and performs for the church before the message? I was asked by the music minister what I wanted to sing... I told him he should choose! (Translation... um I don't really listen to christian music so you just pick something and I'll learn it) So I did.

 

Fast Forward... it took me months to be able to listen to this song without breaking down into tears. The truth of it resonated with me... and I knew every word... "To think that providence would take a child from his mother while she prays is appalling" true story. Yes... we are asking why this happens... but what is the answer?

 

Do I believe it was God's will to take our child from us? No. (although I can name some "devout" people who would disagree with that)... BUT -- I DO believe that God used this situation in my life to bring good and glory to Him.

 

I was broken... I needed to be put back together. The question was how?

 

It happened one night before bed... I felt the call. God had been working on my heart... come to me... come to me and find peace... I was finally ready. I was ready to listen. I was ready to learn. I had become fascinated with Heaven. I knew that my child was there. I read every book I could find about people's experiences with heaven. (For example: Heaven is for Real, 90 Minutes in Heaven... etc) Mike, wanting to help and knowing the avid reader that I am, bought me several books on healing after a loss like we had suffered, but at that point the wounds were too tender. I would get 5 pages in and then break down, close the book and put it back on the shelf. But Heaven... yeah, that was something I could wrap my mind around. It was so comforting. MY child... born to heaven. In the arms of the great caretaker... if I died tomorrow would I join him? I wasn't so sure of the answer.

 

Prior to all this I would've said yeah, I'm going to heaven... but then I began to realize how lost I was. I was so uncertain. I had been saved and baptized at 13... I was 26 at the time of our loss, with my 27th birthday only a week after, but I was still an infant in my christian life... it was time to do something about that. First things first... I needed to verbalize the commitment.

 

So back to that night... I got down on my knees. I cried, I didn't have many words but somehow I knew God knew what was in my heart. I was being held... this IS what it is to be held, how it feels when the sacred is torn from your life... and you survive .... YOU SURVIVE ... if hope is born of suffering ... if the is only the beginning ... can we not wait? for one hour?! watching for our Savior? ... I was watching for our Savior. I needed a Savior. I needed him now...  not only now but every day. "God... please help me... please save me... I make this (re)commitment to you now, help me learn, help me grow... help me survive." And the promise was... when everything fell... we'd be held. Held by The Savior. Never leaving us. Never forsaking us. That is His promise. That is His promise to me and to you and to everyone you know. Whether you accept it or not. He is there, watching... waiting... and loving you every second of every day.

 

"I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have tribulation; but take heart... for I have overcome the world." John 16:33

 

I was committed to following God. To trusting God. I had been through so much... and yet, I was about to really be tested on this recommitment... and my faith (though it was small at this point...) lucky for me, God didn't care how small my faith was, he was just happy I had some... "And He said to them, 'Because of your little faith, for truly I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you would say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20. Have you ever seen a mustard seed?! It is TINY!! And that was the size of my faith at this time... I did not tell anyone about this recommitment for a while, it was even a while before I told my husband. It was personal. There were only two people that needed to know at that time, myself and God.