March Madness

Mike and I had talked about getting another dog for a while. We agreed that if we weren't pregnant within 6 months of our loss we could get one... so it was time to look around. He found one he fell in love with and when I saw her picture I fell too. She was in Forrest City, Arkansas and we would be able to get her March 31st. That happened to be the day of my sister in law's baby shower as well. Good... at least I would have a distraction after the party.

Motivated by a strong sense of guilt by not being more involved in her pregnancy, I finally forced myself to volunteer to help out with her shower. I will admit that I had previously denied a request to do so by the other two hostess... her best friend and her brother's wife. They were very understanding. But I felt awful... I felt awful for weeks so finally, I volunteered. I was put in charge of some decorations and games... I went to party stores and would stand in the baby shower aisle... and then my heart would begin to race... pound actually. I would break out into a cold sweat. I would feel sick. Then I couldn't breathe. Then I would run out of the store and sit in my car and cry, feeling like I was hyperventilating. This would be the first of several panic attacks in those weeks. I was prescribed anxiety medicine. Not for daily use, but for those "panicked" times... like the upcoming shower. I ended up making the decorations myself, terrified of these stores. I was even more terrified of going to the "baby" stores. I bought most of our presents online. The one I had to get at the store, my husband took me. We went in and out as fast as possible. He always made things easier... making me laugh when I was about to breakdown in tears.

Then I started my next cycle... still no baby. Still more tears. Still more anxiety. But at least we were growing our four legged family.

At last it was THE day. We got up early to go get our new pup. We were so excited. She was adorable. We named her Sophia. It was fantastic to have that time of joy and laughter before I had to get ready to go to the shower.

One of my best friends attended the shower with me. I needed a wing man- so to speak. And I was thankful for her. The shower went great, although I panicked as soon as I drove up. This was the first time I took the anxiety medicine. I was grateful for it... soon, my pulse returned to normal and I was able to be okay. I had to excuse myself three times to the bathroom to cry, I survived. The games were better than most lame baby showers, lol. Everyone seemed to have a good time. The food was excellent. But the most important thing... my nephew had lots of new goodies and his mommy was happy. That made me happy.

You see, it wasn't easy for her to get pregnant. I knew she never took one moment of it for granted... and I knew she felt sorrow for me and our loss too, and I hoped she knew how genuinely happy I was for her... and Ethan. My perfect little nephew. Who's arrival was greatly anticipated.

I thanked God all the way home... for getting me through that day. And my faith in Him was growing. Slowly but surely. I had a husband and a new puppy to get home to. I was thankful for that too.