A Miracle for Christmas

So far I have had surgery... thanksgiving... another painful post surgical procedure... and made a decision for the future... but all that will come in due time.

Today, my dear friends I want to share a story with you. This is not my story, this is the story of a dear friend that I have come to love like a sister, the one I wrote my previous post too, I do this for you. She gave me permission to share with you this beautiful story that still brings me to tears.

To give you some backstory, Emily and I met years and years ago through friends of an ex-boyfriend of mine. We reconnected earlier this year (feels like much longer than that now) as everyone does, through Facebook. Em and I became fast friends, relating to the struggle of infertility through my blog. Although at that point she had not been pregnant before, she struggled as I did to even try to get to that point. Test after test, she finally had a diagnosis for her infertility, defective fallopian tubes that had to be surgically removed. Long story short, Em and I got to the same point about the same time, IVF was our only option. I began to feel closer and closer to her as time went by and we went through these procedures nearly hand in hand. We were exactly 5 days apart on everything we did. I went first, warned her of everything she was about to go through, lol... and exactly 5 days apart, we became pregnant together.

We loved and encouraged each other, complained to each other they way you can to only someone who is in your exact same shoes as the exact same time. We both pictured our children being born so close together and how they would be great friends because both of their mommies went to such great lengths to have them. Sadly,  you know how this story went for me. Between 4 and 5 weeks after we lost the first twin, our second twin's heart stopped beating. Less than a week later, Em's little one passed as well. 5 days later... as we did everything... we miscarried together as well. This being her first, I pulled myself out of the cave of sadness I was in and set my mind to get her through it. Encouraging her ended up benefiting me as much as it did her (I'm not entirely sure she knows that). It let me focus on someone else. I, quite literally, felt her pain... her heartbreak, I cried so many tears for her. I didn't want her to go through any of it, I wanted to go through it for her. I wanted to carry her burden as I had carried mine, repeatedly. I wanted it to be a dream and for her to have her perfect baby... I would go through it again and again if it meant she never had to. But you can't bargain with God.

The thing that changed Em as it did me with my first loss? With the proper mind in the situation she found herself closer to God than ever. I praise God for that every day, that she found the sunshine in the rain. My dear Emily, it takes someone very special to be the mother to an Angel. I'm so proud of you. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. As if that isn't miracle enough in itself... you're looking for a Christmas miracle here, and this story will not disappoint.

Emily did get a reason for her miscarriage, an infection. Something treatable. She had no uterine malformations, she did not have to undergo anymore surgery after her D&C... she had to be monitored and take antibiotics for a while, but it wasn't that long before she was cleared to try again, so they did. She had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. They transferred two excellent grade embryos, then we waited. We joked about her not moving with her legs in the air to give those babies time to attach properly... I even joked with MY doctor about knocking up one of my friends, because I saw him the same day he did her procedure. He shook his head at me, as he does and giggles with all of my attempts at jokes. Because if we can't laugh about it... all we would do is cry.

Days and days passed until it was time for her blood work, to check her betas to see if there was a progressing pregnancy. There was! We were so excited. I knew those numbers would be good, I could feel it in my bones. The numbers kept going up and we rejoiced. My husband and I privately rejoiced for them, knowing everything they have been through, a rough road that we wish no one had to traverse. Then it happened.

Emily began bleeding. Heavily. I was at work at the time. I was not with her but I know what she went through. The first second you see the blood, the thoughts are the same. "No!" "No, no no no, Dear God please don't let this be happening." In that moment you can do nothing but beg God to spare your child. Every woman I have talked to about this, whether they believe in God or not, has this moment. You pray for protection, for everything to be okay, for the bleeding to stop. But it did not. More blood, more tissue was passed, until it gets to a point where there is no doubt in your mind that you are losing the pregnancy. You just know that you are miscarrying. You make your way to the doctor... they do the blood work, but it has come to a point where you know all the begging in the world wouldn't change the outcome of this nightmare. You are losing, yet another, innocent child. We cried, I was so worried about her and could have checked on her every hour of that night, but I knew she needed time with her husband. After I had asked her a million detailed questions that you can only ask someone that you have gone through such a journey with, I knew that she was at that point of coming to terms that she was miscarrying. So I went to God on her behalf, called all of our support group (without giving them details) to pray on behalf of one of our beloved friends. I prayed a million times throughout that night, on my knees, pleading with God to spare her child. Pleading with Him for her miracle.

To say she was depressed was an understatement. She just could not wrap her mind around the same question we all ask in that situation... "God why did you bring us here just to go through this again? Aren't we following your path?" These questions that we can't help but ask, went unanswered. If only God would speak audibly to us as He did in the Old Testament.

So a little time passed, they decided it was finally time to do an ultrasound. You see, the day she had the heavy heavy bleeding, it was still a little too early to do one. It was a Friday. I was cleaning the house. I texted her to see what time her appointment and ultrasound were, and the test had just been done. She would not be having one baby after that horrendous experience. She was having TWO. She had twins... both perfect... with perfect little sacs.... and most importantly two perfect little heartbeats.

I cried. I dropped to my knees and praised God for His answered prayers. For His miraculous intervention. They found nothing wrong with the pregnancy. The only explanation is that this was an old clot/hemorrhage that she passed. There was no more bleeding.

You see friends, miracles happen. I know you always hear about a friend of a friend who this and that happened to, but this is the first time it happened to MY friend. My belief in miracles has been renewed. Has yours? Emily's sure has. She is the living product of God's miraculous works. I'm in tears just writing this.

My dear friends, I ask you to come together with me in prayer thanking God for this Christmas miracle, and to place a hedge of protection around my dear friend and her perfect little babies. To my dear Emily, I love you so... and those babies... I'm still in awe of this outcome, as I know you are as well.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

 

 

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

In due time, I pray we all receive our miracles. I know how many people desperately need to hear something good during this holiday season. Christmas is so hard for those whose children are no longer in this world, but we will talk about that another day. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed living it. After witnessing this miracle, my faith is overflowing. I feel such overwhelming joy for my sweet friend, and I feel so blessed to share with you the story of her miracle.

"And they went out and preached everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by accompanying signs." Mark 16:20

I do this for you.

I'm sorry about all of the silence. I've actually contemplated quitting the blogger business a lot lately, but for selfish reasons... there have been several things in my personal life lately that have made me want to quit... but then I think... I don't do this for me.

I don't do this for the people who feel the need to share with me that they do not believe miscarried babies go to heaven. Everyone has to find their own belief. I have found this. I find comfort in the knowledge that my babies are safe in the arms of our Father. I know he holds them safe, when their little hearts stopped beating, their eyes opened to Jesus. That is all I need to know about it. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [Jeremiah 1:5]

I don't do this for the people who don't think a baby is a real baby until a certain point. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. [Psalm 139:14]

I don't do this for the people who think we should just get over things and move on with our life. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4]

I don't do this for the people who continue to ask WHY don't we just adopt... because trust me if it were that easy, we'd have at least as many kids as we have dogs... and probably a lot more. We follow this journey as we are led, and as God provides. You make known to me the path of life. [Psalm 16:11]

I don't do this for my own satisfaction...

I don't do this for my own well-being. Although writing is therapy, putting my intimate personal life out there for the world to criticize is not therapeutic.

I do this for the women who are hurting.

I do this for the woman that feels alone in her loss.

I do this for every person who has ever lost a baby.

I do this for every person battling, or who has battled infertility.

I do this for you, dear friend... the one in misery right now.

I do this for you, dear sister, who feels like your heart is torn into a thousand pieces.

I do this to remind you, you are not alone.

I do this to remind everyone... no matter what bad things are going on in your life, God never leaves you.

I do this for my friend who is scared and angry and upset and falling apart.

Your pain is my pain.

When I hear of your loss and your heartbreak... my heart breaks too.

I shed tears for every loss I hear about. Your tears are my tears. My tears are for your angels as well as my own.

I do this to battle sorrow with love... despair with compassion... loneliness with understanding.

You cry, I cry.

We are a family... we are a sisterhood.

I strive to love you as God loves you... and oh how He loves.

The holidays are hard. Hard if you have lost a child. Hard if you have lost anyone. Hard if you are alone. Hard if you are sad. Harder still if you are experiencing a loss right now. But you are not alone. You may be sad, angry and miserable... but you are loved, you are not alone. I will always be here to remind you of this. I will always be here to share your pain. I will always be here to help carry your burden as I carry my own.

I do this for you, because I love you... because God loves you, and He wants you to know it.

 

Philippians 2:3-4        

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

 

Time to take my own advice, Love ALONE is worth the Fight

Once in a blue moon, you find a song that speaks to your soul. It has a way of uplifting you more than any ordinary words or actions can do. It's the kind of song you put on repeat and play endlessly, when no one else is around (because if someone else was in the car with you and you listened to the same song fifty times, people might think you've lost it). It's the kind of song that trumps any anxiety medicine. It can make you smile through your tears. Currently, this is that song:

 

"Love Alone Is Worth The Fight" -Switchfoot

 

The closer it gets to my surgery, the higher my anxiety level goes. I don't exactly know what I'm afraid of... but my nerves are getting the best of me! So let me break down for you exactly why this song speaks to me so much:

I'm trying to find where my place is
I'm looking for my own oasis
So close I can taste this
The fear that love alone erases 

Everyone is looking for their own place in the world, we are no different. We know where and what we want to be... that's obvious, parents. That is our desire. We've gotten so close... so close we could taste it. We've gotten pregnant... we've gotten pregnant with twins... we have had a successful IVF procedure... we got so close... we were so happy, so in love with our children. We felt like the fight was over... and yet...

So I'm back to the basics
I figure it's time I face this
Time to take my own advice

Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

 

Now we find ourselves back to square one. Starting over. So frustrating. We had it... and it slipped through our fingers. I find that I have been asking myself what would I tell someone else in this situation... keep the faith, stay on the path... even if that path seems to take you back to the beginning. It's worth it. The end result is worth the pain and frustration. That is what I would say. Honestly, I love to give advice. I'm always open to give someone a listening ear and then give my opinion if they asked for it. (Many times in the past I would give anyone advice even if they didn't ask for it, but now I don't recommend this tactic very often). But who likes to take their own advice? It's so much easier to tell someone else what they should do... even if it's not what they want to hear. Once in a blue moon... the person's advice you need, is within you. Listen to the words God gives you that you think are intended for others... maybe they are really intended for you.

 And I never thought it'd come to this
But it seems like I'm finally feeling numb to this
The funny thing about a name is
You forget what the reason you were playing the game is

And it's all an illusion

A 21st century institution

 

Sometimes I look our life and I cannot believe that we have been through so much in our marriage. Sometimes I feel like we barely even got to enjoy being married before we were thrown into the cruel world of pregnancy loss and infertility. Sometimes we hurt so much that we can barely even feel the pain... we go into a sort of shock because, surely the weight of it all would kill us. Sometimes it doesn't even feel real. We go to the appointments, we hear the doctor's advice... and we move on with the plan, as long as God provides, we push forward. 

 So I'm headed down the open road unknown
And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

 

And we push on... with God by our side. We have faith we are on the right path, due to His provisions. Our insurance company should cover our surgery 100%, at least that's what they are currently saying. How could we refuse? If the doctor says he believes it will help future pregnancies... if our insurance is willing to pay for it... we can't say no. The door is open... and we are boldly headed through it. When you are faced with these decisions, surely you do learn what you are made of... I know we have, repeatedly. I feel as if any mother in my situation would do the same. Think about it, if you could do something that might save the lives of your future children, you would do it... right? How can I not? Even if it is just a slight chance of decreasing the odds of miscarrying again, I have to do it! Please don't get me wrong here, I know that God is the one in control of every situation, but He is making provisions for us to have this procedure... He is the one that opened the door, how can we not walk through it? Especially with Him by our side.   

 

We're only here for a season
I'm looking for the rhyme and reason
Why you're born, why you're leaving
What you fear and what you believe in
Why you're living and breathing
Why you're fighting it and getting it even
Let's go headed down the open road unknown

While we are here, we will keep on fighting... we fight for our future children. We fight to honor our children that have gone to Heaven... We fight to spread the word that no matter what happens in life, God is good. God is love. We fight to find our place in life, whether it is what we think it should be or not, we fight to follow God's leading. We sometimes fear the future, we fear the things we are currently faced with (like my surgery) but we believe God will use whatever comes of it for good. We believe that God loves us. We believe that these things aren't happening to punish us or because we deserve it... we may never know the reason, at least not here in this life, but it is for a reason. God has a reason for everything, even when we do not have the answers.

And we find what we're made of
Through the open door
Is it fear you're afraid of?
What are you waiting for?
Love alone is worth the fight
Love alone is worth the fight

Here we are, here we go
Where the road is our own
Hear it calling you home
Here we are, here we go!
Love alone is worth the fight

Love alone is worth the fight

One of the biggest life lessons that my brother taught me, was that we are fighters. We are overcomers. We have seen many battles in our lives, most of which you will never read about... From a young age he taught me that no matter what happens, we are survivors. It is simply what we do. When we are faced with hard times, we brace ourselves... we push through it. He told me this and showed me this so many times that I actually believed it, no questions asked. It became a part of me. No matter what happened, I knew that we would get through it... because there was no other option. He showed me how to have faith before I even knew what faith was. He saved me from so much turmoil by reminding me, we are fighters... we will survive. Now as an adult, I still live and breathe by this. We fight. We overcome. We give the fight everything we've got.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Looking back now, I can see through every situation in which I found myself, God was by my side. God was fighting for me. God has always loved me, well before I ever fully accepted Him. He has always been fighting for me... because  to him, I was worth it. I am still worth it. He still fights for me! He wants my love, and that is enough reason for Him to fight... for me. I am still a fighter... I am a fighter with the grace of God on my side. When you've come so far, what is there to fear? If you are on God's side, there is no reason to fear. He has already overcome the world. Jesus has already paid the ultimate price... so I repeat, if you are ultimately saved, what do you have to fear? No matter what happens in this life, one thing I am sure of is where I will spend eternity, what more is there to worry about?

Love alone is worth the fight!

I want you to know that whatever you are fighting for... it is worth it. God will stand by your side... God will fight for you because your love is worth it. You are worth it.

Love alone is worth the fight!

Fight the good fight... fight for your God. Fight for your relationship. Fight to be with the one you love. Fight for your marriage. Fight for your health. Fight to survive. Fight for your dreams. Fight for your children. Fight to see the beauty in the world. Fight for love...

... it is so worth it.

I hope you enjoy this song as much as I do... play it loud. :)
 



Halloween and the Bereaved Parent

Believe it or not, Halloween is a difficult time for the bereaved parent.

Seem odd?

Here's why:

Halloween is all about the kiddos. These precious little children dress up in the most adorable costumes ever seen and go door to door visiting all of the neighbors to show off just how cute they are... and are rewarded with handfuls of delicious treats... 

So what can the childless couple do?

A. We can turn of our lights and spend the evening alone together just hoping the doorbell doesn't ring... and let little kids look at our house like the Grinch's mansion.... Come on, you remember those days passing those neighbors houses who couldn't be bothered with our bags and costumes and cuteness. (The neighbors that you just might accidentally aim bottle rockets at after they reported you for shooting fireworks even though it WAS the 4th of July.)

or

B. We can try to put our emotions to the side, open the door... smile... ooh and ahh over the precious princess and the mini-superheroes and hand over the goods and try not to let them see the glisten in your eyes when you see a child that is just a little too close to what you envision your child, or children, looking like.

So if you happen across a young couple tonight that looks at your little goblins for a minute too long with just a little too much longing and sadness in their eyes, try not to get freaked out... remember that maybe they are home instead of trick or treating for a reason... maybe they can't dress up their little ones in adorable outfits and go show them off to all of the neighbors. Maybe you could even say a little prayer for them.

To our friends with their porch lights turned off... we understand your pain. Do not feel guilty or ashamed. Deal with your grief however you need to. Guard your heart however you see fit. Our first Halloween, a month after our first miscarriage... I stayed in the bedroom with the dogs, door shut... and my dear husband handed out candy. I just couldn't do it... and it wasn't long before he too shut off the light and locked the door.

This Halloween, our light will be on, but I can't guarantee for how long... this year might be too much for me, but I'm going to try.

Tonight (along with every other night) we are thinking about our three babies... permanently dressed as little angels... and I'm sure there are plenty of treats to go around.

*sigh*

Come on kiddos... we bought you the good candy this year.

If it's broken... fix it!

Hello everybody. Did you miss me?

Mike and I took a much needed vacation. For his birthday, a few weeks ago, I gave him tickets to see his beloved Buckeyes take on Penn State in Columbus, Ohio. We made a long weekend of it, since I am off on Fridays and got back LATE last night. It was amazing... exactly what we needed... to get AWAY!! We had an amazing time, and hubby especially loved seeing his Bucks win, by a landslide!

Now it's back to work... and back to reality.

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We had a follow-up appointment the past Wednesday, the week of our trip. I decided to put it out of my mind until we got back. But like I said, now it's back to reality. So... Here is what we discovered. After having some shaky looking labs in the beginning, with a scary increased prolactin lab result... the repeat labs were all normal. Our doctor is chalking that up to the retained products that I had after our D&C surgery. His is cautious, however, and will watch my labs even closer in the future. In other news, I had no clotting factors or antibodies towards the pregnancy. Good news.

Now the bad news. I had a repeat sonohysterogram, the details of the first time we had this done at my OBGYN's office, including details about the procedure itself can be found here, or you can go to the post entitled "An Interesting Case" written in March. These new results came out abnormal. So... either the measurements were inaccurate the first time, or the tissue that they first thought could be a septum has enlarged and become more of a septum.

This is the shape of a normal uterus:

This is the shape that they first thought my uterus was:

This is how my uterus looks now (or did before but just got a good plane of measurement):

So what to do... ... ...

My septum is a little over 1cm in measurement. By radiological definition a septum can only be called a septum if it is at least 1cm. My doctor says, that by itself, this is not too impressive. He likely would have gone on with the first IVF procedure even if he had known this from the beginning. Now that he has seen me pregnant, however, he thinks that it needs to be surgically removed.

Here is the problem with a septum: it is composed of fibrous tissue. Fibrous tissue does not have the normal extensive blood supply that the rest of the uterus has running through it. When you get pregnant and the egg implants, you cannot control what wall of the uterus that the egg implants into. So if the egg implants into the fibrous part of the uterus, after the placenta is forming (which is around the time of our loss) it cannot get enough blood supply and will die... and there's nothing that can be done. This is what our doctor thinks happened. You can see where a placenta will form by visualized where the yolk sac is located in the gestational sac, and little baby b... that yolk sac was in the area right along the area where the septum begins. Baby A... completely at the septum (we will never know if this is why baby A stopped developing or if there was some other abnormality) but it is very likely that this is what happened with our little butterbean (baby b). Had either baby attached to any of the healthy walls, this may not have ended in miscarriage. But that is only for God to know. He is the only one with any true answers... we can just give the best guesses that our scientific minds can wrap their ideas around.

Surgery here I come. It will be on November 8th, which is a Friday, my off day. It will be done on an outpatient basis at East Memphis Surgery Center. I'm nervous about it, but know that I will be in good hands. This is the center that all of my procedures have been done at so I know the staff is awesome!! I also will not have any abdominal incisions, it will be done via hysteroscopy.

Hysteroscopy is preformed by inserting a flexible lighted tube into the vagina, through the cervix and into the uterine cavity. I will be under general anesthesia (asleep) for the procedure. My uterus will then be inflated with either saline or gas for better visualization of the septum. Then they will slowly cut away the fibrous tissue until they get to the normal tissue,and ultimately will give me a normal shaped uterine cavity. There is the possibility that a laparoscopy will be preformed at the same time if there are any complications. (A small incision is made into the abdominal cavity with an inserted lit tube to visualize the outside of my pelvic structures). The recovery will be similar to a D&C recovery... several weeks of bleeding and cramps, the worst of which will be the first few days after the procedure. I hope to be able to return to work the following Monday after the surgery. Please pray for that.

The hope is that, with the septum removed, I will be able to have a normal pregnancy. Now that I have had recurrent miscarriages... I feel like this is the right thing to do.

We ask for your prayer during this time for a successful surgery and a fast recovery, and that it may increase our future success!

God has led us so far in this journey... we know that He will be with us through every moment of this! Thank you for letting us share the good and bad with you.

"The joy of the Lord is my strength!" Nehemiah 8:10

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Please feel free to come with us with any questions you may have... and if you find yourself in our shoes... we would be HONORED to pray with you and for you! We can be reached any time at thejewells319@gmail.com

National Pregnancy And Infant Loss Awareness Month

Most people know the month of October as breast cancer awareness month... but did you know it is also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? In 1988 President Ronald Reagan declared the awareness month... Here is his speech, Proclamation 5890:

Each year, approximately a million pregnancies in the United States end in miscarriage, stillbirth, or the death of the newborn child. National observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, 1988, offers us the opportunity to increase our understanding of the great tragedy involved in the deaths of unborn and newborn babies. It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems. Health care professionals recognize that trends of recent years, such as smaller family size and the postponement of childbearing, adds another dimension of poignance to the grief of parents who have lost infants. More than 700 local, national, and international support groups are supplying programs and strategies designed to help parents cope with their loss. Parents who have suffered their own losses, health care professionals, and specially trained hospital staff members are helping newly bereaved parents deal constructively with loss. Compassionate Americans are also assisting women who suffer bereavement, guilt, and emotional and physical trauma that accompany post-abortion syndrome. We can and must do a much better job of encouraging adoption as an alternative to abortion; of helping the single parents who wish to raise their babies; and of offering friendship and temporal support to the courageous women and girls who give their children the gifts of life and loving adoptive parents. We can be truly grateful for the devotion and concern provided by all of these citizens, and we should offer them our cooperation and support as well. The Congress, by Senate Joint Resolution 314, has designated the month of October 1988 as "Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month" and authorized and requested the President to issue a proclamation in observance of this month. Now, Therefore, I, Ronald Reagan, President of the United States of America, do hereby proclaim the month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I call upon the people of the United States to observe this month with appropriate programs, ceremonies, and activities. In Witness Whereof, I have hereunto set my hand this twenty-fifth day of October, in the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirteenth.RONALD REAGAN

It wasn't until 2006 that congress approved a proposal to make October 15th National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. That campaign began in 2002 by Robyn Bear, who after 5 miscarriages desired to raise awareness for those who had little to no support during their losses. With the help of Lisa Brown and Tammy Novak, they changed the way America thinks... or at least put it out there. Who says a few friends can't change the world?
With the help of the American campaign, Canada soon followed. In recent years, UK, Western Austrailia, New South Wales and Italy have recognized and instituted a holiday.

You can visit Robyn's website here.

That's a little history for you... and here are some more shocking facts.

1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. One in FOUR. That's astounding. Having three angel babies myself, sometimes it feels like even higher odds than that. I AM ONE IN FOUR. Are you? If you are, I want you to know that on this day I am specifically praying for you, as are countless other people reading this blog.

The goal of all of this? To let those know, who are suffering. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! You don't have to grieve in silence. You are a mother... whether your child is in your arms or in the arms of our Father in Heaven.

Although Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day is not an international holiday, there is an international celebration of these little lives happening today! At 7:00 pm in every time zone, parents all over the world will be lighting candles in their children's honor. The idea is to have one continuous "wave of light" connecting all of us together over the entire world in love and support. The candles will burn for one hour.

We will be lighting three candles this evening... thinking about that seems like it is far too many. One would be too many, but here we are. Today, especially I find comfort in the community I have found through our losses... and knowing tonight, their candles will burn with mine.

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On a side note, while sitting in my backyard a few days ago, I looked up and saw this:

Yes, my heart lies in Heaven... and in my mind, I could hear my three little children saying "Mommy! Look at the picture that God helped us draw for you!"

I love you my darlings, I miss you so.
Until we meet again,
Mommy

Is God Still Good?

God has been working on my heart a LOT. He's also been asking me some really hard questions... questions I don't want to answer... commands I don't want to hear. Such as this:

"I need you to prepare yourself in case a time comes when you find out you cannot have children."

Initially I thought this was just another negative "thought" in my head. Surely I will have one day have a big beautiful swollen belly... and feel the life inside of me... and enjoy every second... and spread the word to the world of God's grace and mercy and His miraculous works... isn't that the whole point of this?? Nope. God has never promised that I would give birth, He has never promised that I will one day carry to term or have a miraculous conception as many stories go. (You always hear of a friend of a friend that tried and tried and failed and then when they gave up... BOOM. Pregnant! Happily Ever After...) Everyone is quick to offer up such stories, but do they really help? Nah. No one wants to talk about the fact that it is a big possibility that I may never physically have my own children. No one wants to hear it... I don't even want to hear it! But... I know it is a very real possibility. Now God is asking me to consider this. The elephant in the room has now been pointed out... and there's no way to get around it. 

So as I am trying to wrap my head around this horrid idea, He hits me with the big question:

"You boast My goodness when things are going in your favor, but if things don't work out like you think they should... if you cannot have children, will you still boast in My goodness? Will you still stand by Me and for Me? Will you still spread word of My goodness if I do not fulfill the desires of your heart in the manner that you want or think they should be fulfilled?"

Well, that'll stop you in your tracks.

When the bottom falls out... we are quick to say "God help me through this." or "God give me strength." or "God please TAKE this!" ... but how many times do we stop and say "God you are so good" ?

How different might our lives be if we stop making requests and start giving thanks above all things. There have been many moments in my sorrow and grieving where God has spoken saying "Can you not see My goodness in your life? Look around you... look how many blessings you have. Look at your church and your family and your husband and your beautiful home and your loving animals... all of these things I have brought into your life to make you happy and feel good. Can't you see how much I love you?"

God, You are so good.

Even in my sorrow, You are good.

Even in my grief, You have never for one second abandoned me.

God is not saying I will never be a mother. He is asking me to prepare my mind for the possibility of a different plan. God is saying- He wants to know that I will stand by him no matter what circumstances come into our lives. I need to learn to thank God for all of His goodness and blessings first, and then ask him to lead my heart to the right place... He always wants us to seek Him first... shouldn't that begin with acknowledging how amazing he is?

A smart man (our preacher) recently said, "God knows exactly the state of our hearts and what we are going through, but we are set up to believe our own lies." God knows everything that is going to happen to us before it happens, and He IS going to help us with through that! He is my strength... He is my strong foundation. I know I've said it before, but God never promises not to give us more than we can handle. He sometimes gives us things only HE can handle, and we must learn just to lean on His strength and understanding... above our own.

We should count ourselves blessed when He asks us to prepare ourselves for things that may come along, to warn us so we aren't blindsided... We must learn to discern God's word from our own negativity. And it is NOT easy... especially if it is something you don't want to hear.

While having lunch with my mother on Friday I begged the question, "mom, when does it get easier?" "What dear?" "Life." "It doesn't," she said. Leave it to mom to be honest with me instead of telling me, oh it's going to be easy before you know it! No, she's honest. She knows I want her honesty. She explained about life being like a roller coaster. The climb to the top is hard, and it takes forever... and once you reach the top where things are easy and beautiful and happy, it feels like it only lasts for a moment... then WOOSH! Down you go. The fall is fast, and the twists and turns are frightening and take your breath away and leave you feeling worn and broken from the whiplash. So what do you do then? You find the steady ground again... and then... you have to work your way back to the top.

God has a purpose, He is doing a huge work in me and in our family. But- I HAVE to be willing to do what HE has planned, and not what I have planned. I know that God's plan will be bigger and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I have to remember that no matter how hard the journey is, He will never abandon me. I also must remember that whatever He has planned, He also has a plan to equip me for it... and I thank Him for that.

So now I am learning to step back, and say in the midst of my grief and sorrow (sometimes even through my tears). God is good... so very very good... and He will use EVERY situation FOR good.

I can honestly say, I do not know exactly what our next step is. BUT- I can say with full confidence that God is preparing us for something amazing.

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Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. [1 Timothy 4: 7-10]

Share the Sacrifice

If you're a close follower, you've noticed I haven't posted too much since our miscarriage. I have been in a battle with myself. A battle against negativity... a battle against depression and thoughts of worthlessness and sorrow and guilt. Thoughts that you know aren't true but you feel them sometimes anyways. This has not been an every day battle, this has been a "kick you when you don't expect it", "trip you when you're looking up kind" of battle. Overall I would say I was doing well with this... but for some reason the last few days have been hard. Part of this may be due to the fact that I had my first period since our D&C (surgery to remove our miscarried babies). Part of this may be due to the fact that several people have made pregnancy and gender announcements... people that I love and care for and am so very happy for (people that know the pain of loss and people that know the pain of infertility). The happiness for them is genuine, they are in my constant prayers. But it leaves a twinge of selfish pain behind. The sorrow of our own children not being with us. The sorrow of not being able to have a shower or a gender reveal... the sorrow of having to start over.

So these thoughts... they would pop in my head mostly when my mind went unoccupied by other things. For instance, I was vacuuming and thinking about the blog, how I should write something... then I began to wonder, does it really even matter? How would putting my pain into words benefit the world? Do I really have to keep doing this? Then I began to talk to God... God, do I really have to keep doing this? You know I didn't want to do it to begin with, and although it was fun when we had good news to share... do I really have to tell them these things? Do I have to share my pain? Can't I just dwell in it and hide in my bed and cry it out like normal people??... The answer was a resounding YES you have to keep doing this, was I not the one who told you to?? And in my head it sounded like Do you really have the nerve to not follow what I called you to do? So I (sullenly) wrote out The Letdown even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Obviously I haven't been writing as much as I should, and I think God has shown me some grace in that area, letting me work a few things out before I was mentally ready to resume the routine. So here I am. Back into the world of the living. Life has just seemed so hard lately. I feel like so many bad things have happened over the years in my personal life and in the lives around me, I just would find myself asking, when is it all going to end already? Can't I just catch a break? Yeah, a lot of these prayers were selfish. A lot of irritation was taken out on my poor, and forgiving, husband. My first period was wretched, so very painful. The doctor said that is basically normal for a cycle after a D&C, so I knew to expect it... but nothing really prepares you to be in pain. So I became snappy and sad and depressed.

Then today happened.

Today was not a great day. I was mulling over the fact that I have to have a repeat sonohystogram (see An Interesting Case for explanation) (to see if maybe I really DO have more of a septum in my uterus and may need surgery to remove it) on Thursday and a repeat of a ton of lab work that I have to be fasting for and won't be drawn until that afternoon. On top of those things, I hurt my neck this weekend and have had a horrible headache and pain shooting through my neck... and did not sleep well last night after going to bed later than normal for a Monday night. I was so moody. There was not enough coffee in the world to make me happy this morning. The work day was fine, until the end of the day. It is always the end of the day when doctors want to work people in for tests, and I get it, the patient is there so yeah let's just do it. I stayed late knowing I will be taking off a couple of hours early on Thursday for my testing... so that part didn't bother me, it's just that my neck was hurting so bad. And all of the patients actually had things wrong with them so the reports took longer to write and consulting with the doctors... and so on. Luckily, I work at the same office as my nurse practitioner and she was able to work me up and get some help (thank you Lord for that).

After a long drive home in traffic and waiting what felt like forever at Walgreens (but was really only about 15 minutes) I was so so so relieved to be home. As I pull into the driveway I see a package on my doorstep... then I began thinking (ugh what did we spend money on that we shouldn't have)... I picked it up, came in the house to let the doggies outside and then noticed the return address. My friend. It was a gift from my friend. A smile immediately arose out of my frustration.

Then I opened the package.

Then I read the letter.

I began to cry.

Then I saw the gifts. ( A book called Footprints, A book called You Changed My Life by Max Lucado... and the elusive darkside skittles, where lime skittles have now made their home) : )

And I cried some more.

This person (who shall remain nameless for theirs is not my story to tell) has become a dear friend to me over the last few months, we have gone through our battle through infertility and miscarriage (her first) almost hand in hand. We were only a few days apart on our schedule and, unfortunately, on our losses as well.

I know she will be reading this and I want to say: You have no idea but those words validated everything I have needed to hear and squashed all of my doubts about sharing our story. You, my dear friend, are an answered prayer to me just as you said that I was for you. She shared with me how sharing our story, our struggle, touched her and caused her to focus more on her faith. I read the letter through the tears in my eyes, I couldn't believe the words. The words written in front of me that I so desperately needed to hear. It's likely, my dear friend, that I will read your letter a thousand times... and thank you and God each time.

Sharing the intimate details of your life to the world is a sacrifice. It makes you vulnerable... it shows your weaknesses... your faults. Part of our human nature is to guard our experiences (at least the bad ones) and keep them to ourselves, to not let the world know we are not feeling 'okay'.

So, my dear friends, I encourage you to share your stories... your pain, your sacrifices... if it helps only one person, doesn't that make telling your story worth the pain of it?

As I re-read her letter something came into my thoughts, a fleeting thought that I have had before but brushed off, unable to fully acknowledge it. If I hadn't miscarried these babies when I had, would I have been able to walk with her through her loss as I did? Would I have been as sensitive? Would I have been as helpful? I would like to think I would have been but there is nothing quite like walking through sorrow and loss together. If the reason for this timing was so that my dear friend did not have to be alone, I am okay with that. Maybe that isn't the reason, but it was an opportunity for God to use me, if I was willing, to help. I am grateful for anything that made her hurt less... or that made the load a little easier to carry. As she was facing her own realities (at a time when I was still facing mine) I felt so sad for her. I didn't want this for her. I wanted to be able to take all of her pain away, but I knew I couldn't. So, I did what I was able. I was there for her... and she's been there for me too. Now we are bonded not only by our pain but by our faith in a loving and merciful God. A God who makes it clear that He can use every situation for good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

 

How beautifully amazing is that? God's words... coming to pass just as He said. I was called to share my story, that is my sacrifice... being vulnerable, putting my heart out there for the world to examine and judge and react however they see fit... just in the hopes that it would help one person. I know that it has. I pray that it continues to help others as well. I am thankful once again for those that reached out to me during our first loss when I didn't know how to deal with it (Thank you again and again, you know who you are).

 

God made the ultimate sacrifice for us, giving His Son to die on the cross so that we may live. We are forgiven... we are loved beyond measure. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. That is the most amazing gift that I have ever received. So, shouldn't we be more willing to sacrifice to help those around us when we can?

 

So today I pray... a prayer of thanks for my dear friend and her kind words that came at a time that I exactly needed... a prayer of forgiveness for any time that I doubt God's callings and timing... and a prayer for strength, that as I continue this journey I keep my eyes on the only One who leads me on a straight and narrow path (no matter how curvy it may feel at times.) Thank you Lord for these blessings.

 



My thoughts on Marriage?

I have recently had this question posted to me from  a person I have been friends with for years. I realized, as this was posted on Facebook, that a simple response was impossible. She might regret asking my thoughts, but she should know by now that by asking my opinion, she might very well get more than  she bargained for. : )

What marriage advice would you give a newly engaged couple? (doing research for a paper)

Okay, so let's get into this. First off, I would like to make it known that I am by no means an expert on the subject... everything I say may not be right for you, but this is what works for us.

1. Be sure. Be 100% sure. When I met Mike in 2010, I told a friend I was with that first night, "that boy is going to change my world." Boy, did he. I knew there was something different about him. I knew this would be a relationship unlike any I had ever encountered. I could feel it in my bones. Even after he stood me up for our first date... even after we realized we would both be challenging. When he got down on one knee in front of me and my whole family and pulled out that ring.... everything inside of me screamed YES! I knew. I never doubted it, even when I was mad and said I doubted it, inside I knew differently. I never really doubted it.
Now let's flash back a few years, before I met Mike. This is something I don't like to talk about but I think is important to mention here. Something I wish I had known when I was younger. Just because a man proposes to you, doesn't mean you have to say yes. If he's not the one God wants for you to marry, you will know. You will have doubts. Major doubts. I was engaged once before, a long time ago. When that guy got down on one knee everything inside of me cringed and screamed, no No NO DON'T DO THIS. But then what do you do when this guy with a diamond is down on one knee, I heard the word 'yes' come out of my mouth... but I knew it just wasn't right. It would, thankfully, not last very long. I knew in my bones that he was not the one for me... it led to a bitter end of a relationship that should have ended years before.
You hear that cliche' "when you know, you know" ?? Well I believe that 100% Mike and I were only together 7 months when he proposed. We just knew. Without a doubt in my mind or my heart I married the one true love of my life.

2. Divorce is not an option. I'm not talking extreme circumstances... I'm just saying too many people divorce because "it's too hard" or "I'm unhappy" or "I fell out of love". Don't buy into the worldly view that if it doesn't work out, we will get a divorce, but for now we will be happy. Don't make divorce an option in your marriage. Don't even use the word. Even in the heat of the worst fights, do not use this word. Divorce is a virus that is running rampant and spreading evil throughout the world. Marriage is a covenant made before GOD. The two joined in this manner are quite literally becoming one in the eyes of their creator. [[See Mark chapter 10]]

And Jesus said to them, “Because of your ehardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But ffrom the beginning of creation, ‘God made them gmale and female.’ 7 h‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,1 8 and ithe two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 jWhat therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

 

 

3. Staying on this subject, let's talk about love. People talk about love as if it is an emotion... and it is. BUT it is so much more. Love is an action verb. Love is something you have to commit to every single day. You choose to love. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself... I love this person. When you act "love" you feel love. Those initial feelings of "this person can do no wrong and the world is all butterflies and rainbows" WILL go away. When that happens, many people choose to throw in the towel. It IS a choice. You can choose to stop loving. Don't. Do something nice for your spouse to show them love as often as you can... no matter how big or small. My husband brings me flowers nearly every week, that gesture always fills my heart to overflowing with the knowledge that he loves me without even hearing the words.

I show love by baking something special, cooking for him or cleaning up after him without complaining. It may sound old fashioned, but when my husband comes home from a long day and has to work on homework for hours and goes to bed late, then gets up the next morning and finds all his work clothes already clean and ready to wear... he knows he is loved. Love is an action. Do everything you can to show love... not just the words or physical love... although those are very important, your spouse needs to know without a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, you will always be there to love them.

Loving someone sometimes means going to bed angry (despite what nearly everyone will tell you). It's much better to go to bed angry and wake up calm the next day than to say something unloving that you will later regret and that your spouse will remember for a very long time.

Everyone loves in a different way, learn what works for you and your spouse and do it. (I've been meaning the read The 5 Love Languages, a book about what shows love for different types of people). What works for me does not work for my husband and vice versa. You think he'd get all giddy over a flower? Please... but his cup runs over with knowledge that I love him when I hug him or kiss him on the cheek when he least expects it... or I randomly tell him I am proud of him and respect him beyond measure. And if he's reading this... I really do my dear husband... You are truly the greatest man I know.

 

 

4. Think twice before complaining about your spouse. Chances are the things that you are fighting about are silly and you will get over it before you know it, but bringing other people into your so-called problems will make them linger. I'm not saying you won't have legitimate arguments about important things or that your spouse will never seriously hurt your feelings... I'm saying, when you talk bad about your spouse or complain about them to your friends, they will remember it. They will also, mostly innocently, bring those times up again when they hear you complaining yet again. This action puts you on the "other" side of the team... you should ALWAYS try to stay on your partner's side. You are a team.... you are THE team. You should always always make an effort to uplift your spouse instead of putting them down, even if you think they will never know about it.

Everyone makes this mistake at times, it's just human nature to "gossip". Just try not to. Trust me, your marriage will benefit from the constant "lifting up" of one another, and soon it will be second nature to you... you will see your spouse in a different light than you see the rest of the world. They will never be perfect, but it is important to remind yourself (and those around you) that they are perfect for you.

When you do talk to your friends or your friends talk to you about their marriages, be supportive and understanding and never talk down their spouse. Yes, there are moments you will inadvertenly blurt out "no he didn't!" but try to avoid the "what a jerk" comments and instead say things like "I'm sorry you're upset" or "you guys love each other, this is just a rough patch". I can't even count the number of times that my best friend and I have reassured each other over the years through our marriages. Sometimes you do need an outside ear to listen, but be cautious about who you choose. Choose someone who you know will be rational. Someone who supports Team "Mr. and Mrs." Someone who understands the importance of keeping the integrity and closeness in your marriage.

 

 

5. I had a patient at work recently that had been married for 64 years. My favorite question to ask such couples is, "what is your secret to staying married for so long?" Her response? "I've just enjoyed it!" I could see the love shining from her face as she said those words. Seems simple right?

Often times life gets in the way, and you forget to simply enjoy your marriage. There are things to worry about, work to be done, bills to pay, disasters at every turn, children to take care of... infertility... miscarriage... a countless number of things that can make you actually forget to enjoy your marriage!! Have fun together... make special time for each other every week, even if it's something small. Mike and I like to go sit at the bar at firebird's, have a steak and a glass of wine and watch whatever game is on. We do this almost every week, it's our special little simple "together" time, time to unwind, leave all our problems behind and just hang out together. The time doesn't always have to be anything big like a vacation or anything romantic like a fancy date... it can just be laying together on the couch watching a movie. The intimacy of being able to just be with someone and relax is amazing and important. Be each other's best friend. What is better than getting to spend EVERY day with your best friend?!

 

 

6. Stop thinking grass may be greener on the other side. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Everyone's grass needs tending. No one's marriage is perfect, and every marriage takes work. Just know that marriage doesn't have to entirely be work!! It's dangerous to think there are perfect marriages because you will always feel like yours is falling short. It's not... life is what you make it. My husband's saying of "it is what it is" used to irritate and infuriate me, it seemed like such a blow-off... but there are things in life you can't change or always fix! And that is okay! The important thing is that you are willing to make the effort to tend your marriage's "grass". The more you nurture your relationship, the better it will be... and the "work" feeling will diminish. Whatever you do... do it together, and your marriage will be strong and healthy and beautiful... your grass will be beautiful. :)

 

And finally...

 

7. Do not make yourself or your spouse number one in your marriage.

 

Wait... What??? Yeah I know... don't do it.

 

Make GOD number one. Always. If God is the one leading your marriage, there is no way you can fail. Pray together, worship together, put your spouse above other people, but never EVER above God. I wish I had known this on the day we got married. I vaguely knew it but I didn't KNOW it, or at least I didn't know how to do it. This is something we have learned together over the years. We had to learn to follow God's plan for our lives (and our marriage) and it has grown better with every passing moment. It hasn't always been easy but... Relationships THRIVE when God is at the center of them. Growing closer to God individually and together will bring the deepest love and appreciation and happiness that you can ever imagine... sometimes even way more than you can imagine. Any marriage can succeed as long as God is leading the way of two willing hearts.

 

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So, Lauren, I hope these are the answers you were looking for... probably way more than you wanted to hear, but these are my thoughts. At least part of them : )

 

The only thing I would say I would do differently had I known how our marriage would turn out, is to slow down. I would have concentrated less on what the wedding should be and more on what our marriage should be like. The best thing we ever did during our engagement was a church-based marriage counseling using the book "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. We still look back at it from time to time when we are feeling frustrated and not understanding one another. Men and women will always react and/or think differently about almost every situation... so don't expect the other person to read your mind! Use your words, even when you feel like you shouldn't have to explain yourself... explain yourself anyways, you'll be amazed at how many arguments you avoid that way.

 

And to those readers out there who are thinking about getting married  or engaged? Pray for direction and guidance from God. You don't need luck. You just love. Love each other every day and thank God for every day that you get to spend together. The rest, you can figure out... as long as you're willing to figure it out together.

With everything that has happened in our time together, a little bad and a lot of good. I am thankful for every second of it, because I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.

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For those of you looking for an update to our story... there isn't too much news, but one is coming soon.