The things I don't want you to know.

Every morning I wake up to the realization that my children are not here with me. That's how every day begins for me, missing and wanting my babies. But they aren't here. I have to allow myself those first few minutes of the day to pray for reassurance that I can get through this. 

Every night I go to bed praying to see God's plan in this, asking for clarity... Asking to have children here on Earth to love and care for. 

I rarely ask God "why?" anymore. I know that I will never know the reason, I've come to terms with that. It will never make sense in my small human mind. I just wish the big man would just clue us in on His plan, just a little. There are so many fleeting moments throughout the day that life doesn't feel fair. It isn't fair. It never will be. I don't ask for fair, I ask for peace. I ask for wisdom. I ask for patience. 

As a woman, every month for about a week I'm reminded just how not pregnant I am. Ever since my surgery that aspect of my life has been nearly unbearable physically. That's the thing they don't warm you about... The increase of cramping, pain and bleeding so intense that you feel like you can't get through a normal day. I'm told that should get better with time, but that is yet to be seen. 

Every day spent on this rocky path, our desires feel less attainable. The dying, but eternal, dream. 

Those are the things I don't want people to know. Those are the vulnerable moments that I wish were avoidable. It's hard to admit that I think about this every single day, it hurts every single day. Because if people knew that, there would be nothing for me to hide. If they know it all... There is nothing for me to hang on to when I need to be sad. 

Does that sound strange? That there are days I need to be sad? It's not what you think, I don't crave the sadness... But there are days when it becomes so built up that I need to feel it and cry it out. There are seasons when I need to be alone and not have to face the world, that I need to lock the door and be alone with God to deal with it. That's the main way I can deal honestly with it. If I'm alone with it, I don't have to hold back. I don't have to sugar coat it. I can face it head on for what it truly is... Awful. It's hard for many people to understand that sometimes I need isolation. Actually it's hard for most people to understand. Some people are offended by it, saying it's unhealthy for me to "shut down" but they just can't understand that we all deal with the trials of this life very differently. 

Social media makes it very difficult for other's lives to not affect us, there have been many days that I've avoided that all together... I actually long for the days before Facebook and text messaging, when people had to actually communicate with you to cause any damage... But that isn't the world we live in anymore. 

All in all I know I live a blessed life. I have a beautiful home. I have a husband that still opens doors for me. I have a pack of dogs that keep me laughing with their antics and unconditional love. This is the checklist that I go through every morning on my drive in to work. One by one, in my mind, I name the things I love... The things/people that have been brought into my life that I don't deserve. I thank God for this journey (as much as I hate being on it) because it has made me appreciate everything so much more. I thank God for the hard times because it caused my marriage to blossom, against all odds. I thank God for it because it brings me closer to Him. 

I know that the point of this is much bigger than myself, that doesn't make it any easier to bear... Nothing does. 

I believe we go through seasons within seasons. Lately I've been going through a tough one. As the days turn into months and the months turn into years, it doesn't get any easier. I don't handle things any better now than I did when this all began... I just handle it differently. I know it won't kill me, but that doesn't mean I enjoy the pain. To go against the annoying saying... I don't enjoy dancing in the rain. I've learned to let God be my umbrella but that doesn't mean I don't sill sometimes feel cold wet and alone. I learn to appreciate the lessons but that may never mean I enjoy having to learn them. 

I desire to use this to help others, but that doesn't mean I don't need times to step away from it all for a while. I can't let the battle overtake me, so occasionally I just need to step back... Step away... Find something else to occupy my mind for a while. Last month that something became painting my house, almost the entire interior of my house, I'm still not finished with that project. This month the project is replacing our floors. I'm much better when my hands are occupied. Our December project was my new love... Here she is

This is our Abigail, the newest addition to our family. I had been following her story on the Tails of Hope rescue page on Facebook. Sweet Abby (then called Casey) was a mommy too, but shortly after she gave birth her puppies began to pass away. One by one I would read about their passing... And although I might have been projecting my emotions onto this doggie's story, I would cry and cry. My heart broke for this lost little momma who desperately needed a home. One day the last puppy died and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed her. I needed to make her feel better. I had to love her. I had this overwhelming need to be the one to make this doggie happy again. I contacted the group, put in our application telling our story and why I so desperately wanted to help her... Then suddenly, she was ours. 

I've never seen a dog so scared of me in my entire life. She was terrified, and I can't say that I blamed her. Once we got her calmed down I simply held her... I held her all night long. That little girl still sleeps in my arms every night... And boy is she happy. It's brought me great joy to see her blossom with us. We chose the name Abigail because the meaning of it is "source of joy." I knew that's what she would be for us, and I wanted to be that for her as well. What a change I've seen... Every day when I return from work she BOUNDS to me, so excited that she's almost crying to get to me. It fills my heart... Her goofy clumsy little smiles ... 

So while I'm hurting... When I feel lost... I feel like God uses these things to reassure me that I am loved. I am not alone. There is a reason and a plan here, I just have to stick to it. I have to trust God to do what is best. I have to embrace the good and be thankful. And sometimes... I just need people to understand that it's ok when I need to lock the door and be alone. I promise I'll come back around soon... And no, I haven't lost the faith.