Giving you all of me, is where I'll start

I've written a few posts lately that I have yet to publish, feeling as though it's not quite time for those yet... But I have spent many many hours in prayer over the last two weeks as to when it was appropriate for my family for us to post this one. 

There's a special song that has rapidly become the theme to our life, as of late. It's by Matt Hammitt and it is called All of Me

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Chorus (X2)

It's where I'll start

It's a strange feeling, thinking you might see a light at the end of the tunnel finally... Sometimes it shines so bright that it startles you and leaves you bewildered... This can't possibly be true, can it? Lord... Is this our chance? It's scary... So much can happen, so much has happened. So much can go wrong. But that doesn't mean we should live in fear. Lord, you know you have all of me... And little one, I will not let my fear interfere with my love for you. 

This is our "clover," our lucky baby number 4... And hopefully the first child that we get to hold in our arms. I know you all have a million questions so I will try to answer those now. 

We are currently 8 weeks pregnant. We accidentally discovered this glorious little miracle when I was about 5.5 weeks along. No, we were not trying... This is the glorious power of The Lord, as you know we were given roughly a 1-2% chance of ever conceiving naturally again. My surgery in November had nothing to do with my poorly working ovaries, just my uterine cavity. The doctor prays that surgery will keep me from having further recurrent miscarriages. It has been so hard to keep this a secret, because we wanted to shout from the rooftops how glorious and faithful our God is. It was a hard decision to put this out there because so much can go so wrong so fast, but we are stepping out in faith, bragging on God and asking, once again, for your prayers. So far everything is perfect, and we are just overwhelmed with joy. We see our doctor weekly due to the fact that my first trimester is so risky. 

For our few family members that have kept this secret with us, thank you so much for respecting our wishes until we were ready to publicize this information. 

For those that are just finding out... There's a few things we ask that you don't say. Please don't say "I told you if you'd relax ... If you'd stop trying... If you'd do 'so and so' this would happen." This was nothing but the awesome power of God. Relaxing didn't suddenly make my body decide to start working, not trying doesn't cure the disease of infertility. Only God can do that, not giving Him that glory would trivialize His miracle. I've seen so many women who finally get their miracles just to be further downtrodden by other's words... So we ask that you be respectful to us, this child and most of all... Our God and Savior. To God alone, be the glory. To God alone, be the praise. 

For my dear friends still waiting for your turn, I pray for you every day... Don't lose the faith, God is holding you near to his heart. I hope you feel that power in your life. 

Dear little clover,

You have all of me... And all of daddy... And you will always know that you are such an amazing miracle from God... Hold tight little baby, you'll meet your siblings one day, but we pray you meet us first. Keep growing my tiny love. Mommy will do all she can to care for you every second of every day. We've prayed for you for so long... So very long... 

With every beat of my heart,

Your thankful mommy

________________________________________________________________

We are leaving tomorrow for a much needed vacation with my entire family, even my grandma on her first trip out of the country! If you don't get a fast response from us, we will be back in the country and back to having cellular service on Thursday! Love to you all! 

A Miracle for Christmas

So far I have had surgery... thanksgiving... another painful post surgical procedure... and made a decision for the future... but all that will come in due time.

Today, my dear friends I want to share a story with you. This is not my story, this is the story of a dear friend that I have come to love like a sister, the one I wrote my previous post too, I do this for you. She gave me permission to share with you this beautiful story that still brings me to tears.

To give you some backstory, Emily and I met years and years ago through friends of an ex-boyfriend of mine. We reconnected earlier this year (feels like much longer than that now) as everyone does, through Facebook. Em and I became fast friends, relating to the struggle of infertility through my blog. Although at that point she had not been pregnant before, she struggled as I did to even try to get to that point. Test after test, she finally had a diagnosis for her infertility, defective fallopian tubes that had to be surgically removed. Long story short, Em and I got to the same point about the same time, IVF was our only option. I began to feel closer and closer to her as time went by and we went through these procedures nearly hand in hand. We were exactly 5 days apart on everything we did. I went first, warned her of everything she was about to go through, lol... and exactly 5 days apart, we became pregnant together.

We loved and encouraged each other, complained to each other they way you can to only someone who is in your exact same shoes as the exact same time. We both pictured our children being born so close together and how they would be great friends because both of their mommies went to such great lengths to have them. Sadly,  you know how this story went for me. Between 4 and 5 weeks after we lost the first twin, our second twin's heart stopped beating. Less than a week later, Em's little one passed as well. 5 days later... as we did everything... we miscarried together as well. This being her first, I pulled myself out of the cave of sadness I was in and set my mind to get her through it. Encouraging her ended up benefiting me as much as it did her (I'm not entirely sure she knows that). It let me focus on someone else. I, quite literally, felt her pain... her heartbreak, I cried so many tears for her. I didn't want her to go through any of it, I wanted to go through it for her. I wanted to carry her burden as I had carried mine, repeatedly. I wanted it to be a dream and for her to have her perfect baby... I would go through it again and again if it meant she never had to. But you can't bargain with God.

The thing that changed Em as it did me with my first loss? With the proper mind in the situation she found herself closer to God than ever. I praise God for that every day, that she found the sunshine in the rain. My dear Emily, it takes someone very special to be the mother to an Angel. I'm so proud of you. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. As if that isn't miracle enough in itself... you're looking for a Christmas miracle here, and this story will not disappoint.

Emily did get a reason for her miscarriage, an infection. Something treatable. She had no uterine malformations, she did not have to undergo anymore surgery after her D&C... she had to be monitored and take antibiotics for a while, but it wasn't that long before she was cleared to try again, so they did. She had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. They transferred two excellent grade embryos, then we waited. We joked about her not moving with her legs in the air to give those babies time to attach properly... I even joked with MY doctor about knocking up one of my friends, because I saw him the same day he did her procedure. He shook his head at me, as he does and giggles with all of my attempts at jokes. Because if we can't laugh about it... all we would do is cry.

Days and days passed until it was time for her blood work, to check her betas to see if there was a progressing pregnancy. There was! We were so excited. I knew those numbers would be good, I could feel it in my bones. The numbers kept going up and we rejoiced. My husband and I privately rejoiced for them, knowing everything they have been through, a rough road that we wish no one had to traverse. Then it happened.

Emily began bleeding. Heavily. I was at work at the time. I was not with her but I know what she went through. The first second you see the blood, the thoughts are the same. "No!" "No, no no no, Dear God please don't let this be happening." In that moment you can do nothing but beg God to spare your child. Every woman I have talked to about this, whether they believe in God or not, has this moment. You pray for protection, for everything to be okay, for the bleeding to stop. But it did not. More blood, more tissue was passed, until it gets to a point where there is no doubt in your mind that you are losing the pregnancy. You just know that you are miscarrying. You make your way to the doctor... they do the blood work, but it has come to a point where you know all the begging in the world wouldn't change the outcome of this nightmare. You are losing, yet another, innocent child. We cried, I was so worried about her and could have checked on her every hour of that night, but I knew she needed time with her husband. After I had asked her a million detailed questions that you can only ask someone that you have gone through such a journey with, I knew that she was at that point of coming to terms that she was miscarrying. So I went to God on her behalf, called all of our support group (without giving them details) to pray on behalf of one of our beloved friends. I prayed a million times throughout that night, on my knees, pleading with God to spare her child. Pleading with Him for her miracle.

To say she was depressed was an understatement. She just could not wrap her mind around the same question we all ask in that situation... "God why did you bring us here just to go through this again? Aren't we following your path?" These questions that we can't help but ask, went unanswered. If only God would speak audibly to us as He did in the Old Testament.

So a little time passed, they decided it was finally time to do an ultrasound. You see, the day she had the heavy heavy bleeding, it was still a little too early to do one. It was a Friday. I was cleaning the house. I texted her to see what time her appointment and ultrasound were, and the test had just been done. She would not be having one baby after that horrendous experience. She was having TWO. She had twins... both perfect... with perfect little sacs.... and most importantly two perfect little heartbeats.

I cried. I dropped to my knees and praised God for His answered prayers. For His miraculous intervention. They found nothing wrong with the pregnancy. The only explanation is that this was an old clot/hemorrhage that she passed. There was no more bleeding.

You see friends, miracles happen. I know you always hear about a friend of a friend who this and that happened to, but this is the first time it happened to MY friend. My belief in miracles has been renewed. Has yours? Emily's sure has. She is the living product of God's miraculous works. I'm in tears just writing this.

My dear friends, I ask you to come together with me in prayer thanking God for this Christmas miracle, and to place a hedge of protection around my dear friend and her perfect little babies. To my dear Emily, I love you so... and those babies... I'm still in awe of this outcome, as I know you are as well.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

 

 

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

In due time, I pray we all receive our miracles. I know how many people desperately need to hear something good during this holiday season. Christmas is so hard for those whose children are no longer in this world, but we will talk about that another day. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed living it. After witnessing this miracle, my faith is overflowing. I feel such overwhelming joy for my sweet friend, and I feel so blessed to share with you the story of her miracle.

"And they went out and preached everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by accompanying signs." Mark 16:20

Is God Still Good?

God has been working on my heart a LOT. He's also been asking me some really hard questions... questions I don't want to answer... commands I don't want to hear. Such as this:

"I need you to prepare yourself in case a time comes when you find out you cannot have children."

Initially I thought this was just another negative "thought" in my head. Surely I will have one day have a big beautiful swollen belly... and feel the life inside of me... and enjoy every second... and spread the word to the world of God's grace and mercy and His miraculous works... isn't that the whole point of this?? Nope. God has never promised that I would give birth, He has never promised that I will one day carry to term or have a miraculous conception as many stories go. (You always hear of a friend of a friend that tried and tried and failed and then when they gave up... BOOM. Pregnant! Happily Ever After...) Everyone is quick to offer up such stories, but do they really help? Nah. No one wants to talk about the fact that it is a big possibility that I may never physically have my own children. No one wants to hear it... I don't even want to hear it! But... I know it is a very real possibility. Now God is asking me to consider this. The elephant in the room has now been pointed out... and there's no way to get around it. 

So as I am trying to wrap my head around this horrid idea, He hits me with the big question:

"You boast My goodness when things are going in your favor, but if things don't work out like you think they should... if you cannot have children, will you still boast in My goodness? Will you still stand by Me and for Me? Will you still spread word of My goodness if I do not fulfill the desires of your heart in the manner that you want or think they should be fulfilled?"

Well, that'll stop you in your tracks.

When the bottom falls out... we are quick to say "God help me through this." or "God give me strength." or "God please TAKE this!" ... but how many times do we stop and say "God you are so good" ?

How different might our lives be if we stop making requests and start giving thanks above all things. There have been many moments in my sorrow and grieving where God has spoken saying "Can you not see My goodness in your life? Look around you... look how many blessings you have. Look at your church and your family and your husband and your beautiful home and your loving animals... all of these things I have brought into your life to make you happy and feel good. Can't you see how much I love you?"

God, You are so good.

Even in my sorrow, You are good.

Even in my grief, You have never for one second abandoned me.

God is not saying I will never be a mother. He is asking me to prepare my mind for the possibility of a different plan. God is saying- He wants to know that I will stand by him no matter what circumstances come into our lives. I need to learn to thank God for all of His goodness and blessings first, and then ask him to lead my heart to the right place... He always wants us to seek Him first... shouldn't that begin with acknowledging how amazing he is?

A smart man (our preacher) recently said, "God knows exactly the state of our hearts and what we are going through, but we are set up to believe our own lies." God knows everything that is going to happen to us before it happens, and He IS going to help us with through that! He is my strength... He is my strong foundation. I know I've said it before, but God never promises not to give us more than we can handle. He sometimes gives us things only HE can handle, and we must learn just to lean on His strength and understanding... above our own.

We should count ourselves blessed when He asks us to prepare ourselves for things that may come along, to warn us so we aren't blindsided... We must learn to discern God's word from our own negativity. And it is NOT easy... especially if it is something you don't want to hear.

While having lunch with my mother on Friday I begged the question, "mom, when does it get easier?" "What dear?" "Life." "It doesn't," she said. Leave it to mom to be honest with me instead of telling me, oh it's going to be easy before you know it! No, she's honest. She knows I want her honesty. She explained about life being like a roller coaster. The climb to the top is hard, and it takes forever... and once you reach the top where things are easy and beautiful and happy, it feels like it only lasts for a moment... then WOOSH! Down you go. The fall is fast, and the twists and turns are frightening and take your breath away and leave you feeling worn and broken from the whiplash. So what do you do then? You find the steady ground again... and then... you have to work your way back to the top.

God has a purpose, He is doing a huge work in me and in our family. But- I HAVE to be willing to do what HE has planned, and not what I have planned. I know that God's plan will be bigger and better than anything I could ever imagine. I know that it isn't going to be easy. I have to remember that no matter how hard the journey is, He will never abandon me. I also must remember that whatever He has planned, He also has a plan to equip me for it... and I thank Him for that.

So now I am learning to step back, and say in the midst of my grief and sorrow (sometimes even through my tears). God is good... so very very good... and He will use EVERY situation FOR good.

I can honestly say, I do not know exactly what our next step is. BUT- I can say with full confidence that God is preparing us for something amazing.

_________________________________________________________

 

Train yourself for godliness; for while bodily training is of some value, godliness is of value in every way, as it holds promise for the present life and also for the life to come. The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance. For to this end we toil and strive, because we have our hope set on the living God, who is the Savior of all people, especially of those who believe. [1 Timothy 4: 7-10]

Share the Sacrifice

If you're a close follower, you've noticed I haven't posted too much since our miscarriage. I have been in a battle with myself. A battle against negativity... a battle against depression and thoughts of worthlessness and sorrow and guilt. Thoughts that you know aren't true but you feel them sometimes anyways. This has not been an every day battle, this has been a "kick you when you don't expect it", "trip you when you're looking up kind" of battle. Overall I would say I was doing well with this... but for some reason the last few days have been hard. Part of this may be due to the fact that I had my first period since our D&C (surgery to remove our miscarried babies). Part of this may be due to the fact that several people have made pregnancy and gender announcements... people that I love and care for and am so very happy for (people that know the pain of loss and people that know the pain of infertility). The happiness for them is genuine, they are in my constant prayers. But it leaves a twinge of selfish pain behind. The sorrow of our own children not being with us. The sorrow of not being able to have a shower or a gender reveal... the sorrow of having to start over.

So these thoughts... they would pop in my head mostly when my mind went unoccupied by other things. For instance, I was vacuuming and thinking about the blog, how I should write something... then I began to wonder, does it really even matter? How would putting my pain into words benefit the world? Do I really have to keep doing this? Then I began to talk to God... God, do I really have to keep doing this? You know I didn't want to do it to begin with, and although it was fun when we had good news to share... do I really have to tell them these things? Do I have to share my pain? Can't I just dwell in it and hide in my bed and cry it out like normal people??... The answer was a resounding YES you have to keep doing this, was I not the one who told you to?? And in my head it sounded like Do you really have the nerve to not follow what I called you to do? So I (sullenly) wrote out The Letdown even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

Obviously I haven't been writing as much as I should, and I think God has shown me some grace in that area, letting me work a few things out before I was mentally ready to resume the routine. So here I am. Back into the world of the living. Life has just seemed so hard lately. I feel like so many bad things have happened over the years in my personal life and in the lives around me, I just would find myself asking, when is it all going to end already? Can't I just catch a break? Yeah, a lot of these prayers were selfish. A lot of irritation was taken out on my poor, and forgiving, husband. My first period was wretched, so very painful. The doctor said that is basically normal for a cycle after a D&C, so I knew to expect it... but nothing really prepares you to be in pain. So I became snappy and sad and depressed.

Then today happened.

Today was not a great day. I was mulling over the fact that I have to have a repeat sonohystogram (see An Interesting Case for explanation) (to see if maybe I really DO have more of a septum in my uterus and may need surgery to remove it) on Thursday and a repeat of a ton of lab work that I have to be fasting for and won't be drawn until that afternoon. On top of those things, I hurt my neck this weekend and have had a horrible headache and pain shooting through my neck... and did not sleep well last night after going to bed later than normal for a Monday night. I was so moody. There was not enough coffee in the world to make me happy this morning. The work day was fine, until the end of the day. It is always the end of the day when doctors want to work people in for tests, and I get it, the patient is there so yeah let's just do it. I stayed late knowing I will be taking off a couple of hours early on Thursday for my testing... so that part didn't bother me, it's just that my neck was hurting so bad. And all of the patients actually had things wrong with them so the reports took longer to write and consulting with the doctors... and so on. Luckily, I work at the same office as my nurse practitioner and she was able to work me up and get some help (thank you Lord for that).

After a long drive home in traffic and waiting what felt like forever at Walgreens (but was really only about 15 minutes) I was so so so relieved to be home. As I pull into the driveway I see a package on my doorstep... then I began thinking (ugh what did we spend money on that we shouldn't have)... I picked it up, came in the house to let the doggies outside and then noticed the return address. My friend. It was a gift from my friend. A smile immediately arose out of my frustration.

Then I opened the package.

Then I read the letter.

I began to cry.

Then I saw the gifts. ( A book called Footprints, A book called You Changed My Life by Max Lucado... and the elusive darkside skittles, where lime skittles have now made their home) : )

And I cried some more.

This person (who shall remain nameless for theirs is not my story to tell) has become a dear friend to me over the last few months, we have gone through our battle through infertility and miscarriage (her first) almost hand in hand. We were only a few days apart on our schedule and, unfortunately, on our losses as well.

I know she will be reading this and I want to say: You have no idea but those words validated everything I have needed to hear and squashed all of my doubts about sharing our story. You, my dear friend, are an answered prayer to me just as you said that I was for you. She shared with me how sharing our story, our struggle, touched her and caused her to focus more on her faith. I read the letter through the tears in my eyes, I couldn't believe the words. The words written in front of me that I so desperately needed to hear. It's likely, my dear friend, that I will read your letter a thousand times... and thank you and God each time.

Sharing the intimate details of your life to the world is a sacrifice. It makes you vulnerable... it shows your weaknesses... your faults. Part of our human nature is to guard our experiences (at least the bad ones) and keep them to ourselves, to not let the world know we are not feeling 'okay'.

So, my dear friends, I encourage you to share your stories... your pain, your sacrifices... if it helps only one person, doesn't that make telling your story worth the pain of it?

As I re-read her letter something came into my thoughts, a fleeting thought that I have had before but brushed off, unable to fully acknowledge it. If I hadn't miscarried these babies when I had, would I have been able to walk with her through her loss as I did? Would I have been as sensitive? Would I have been as helpful? I would like to think I would have been but there is nothing quite like walking through sorrow and loss together. If the reason for this timing was so that my dear friend did not have to be alone, I am okay with that. Maybe that isn't the reason, but it was an opportunity for God to use me, if I was willing, to help. I am grateful for anything that made her hurt less... or that made the load a little easier to carry. As she was facing her own realities (at a time when I was still facing mine) I felt so sad for her. I didn't want this for her. I wanted to be able to take all of her pain away, but I knew I couldn't. So, I did what I was able. I was there for her... and she's been there for me too. Now we are bonded not only by our pain but by our faith in a loving and merciful God. A God who makes it clear that He can use every situation for good.

 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

 

How beautifully amazing is that? God's words... coming to pass just as He said. I was called to share my story, that is my sacrifice... being vulnerable, putting my heart out there for the world to examine and judge and react however they see fit... just in the hopes that it would help one person. I know that it has. I pray that it continues to help others as well. I am thankful once again for those that reached out to me during our first loss when I didn't know how to deal with it (Thank you again and again, you know who you are).

 

God made the ultimate sacrifice for us, giving His Son to die on the cross so that we may live. We are forgiven... we are loved beyond measure. That is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. That is the most amazing gift that I have ever received. So, shouldn't we be more willing to sacrifice to help those around us when we can?

 

So today I pray... a prayer of thanks for my dear friend and her kind words that came at a time that I exactly needed... a prayer of forgiveness for any time that I doubt God's callings and timing... and a prayer for strength, that as I continue this journey I keep my eyes on the only One who leads me on a straight and narrow path (no matter how curvy it may feel at times.) Thank you Lord for these blessings.

 



My thoughts on Marriage?

I have recently had this question posted to me from  a person I have been friends with for years. I realized, as this was posted on Facebook, that a simple response was impossible. She might regret asking my thoughts, but she should know by now that by asking my opinion, she might very well get more than  she bargained for. : )

What marriage advice would you give a newly engaged couple? (doing research for a paper)

Okay, so let's get into this. First off, I would like to make it known that I am by no means an expert on the subject... everything I say may not be right for you, but this is what works for us.

1. Be sure. Be 100% sure. When I met Mike in 2010, I told a friend I was with that first night, "that boy is going to change my world." Boy, did he. I knew there was something different about him. I knew this would be a relationship unlike any I had ever encountered. I could feel it in my bones. Even after he stood me up for our first date... even after we realized we would both be challenging. When he got down on one knee in front of me and my whole family and pulled out that ring.... everything inside of me screamed YES! I knew. I never doubted it, even when I was mad and said I doubted it, inside I knew differently. I never really doubted it.
Now let's flash back a few years, before I met Mike. This is something I don't like to talk about but I think is important to mention here. Something I wish I had known when I was younger. Just because a man proposes to you, doesn't mean you have to say yes. If he's not the one God wants for you to marry, you will know. You will have doubts. Major doubts. I was engaged once before, a long time ago. When that guy got down on one knee everything inside of me cringed and screamed, no No NO DON'T DO THIS. But then what do you do when this guy with a diamond is down on one knee, I heard the word 'yes' come out of my mouth... but I knew it just wasn't right. It would, thankfully, not last very long. I knew in my bones that he was not the one for me... it led to a bitter end of a relationship that should have ended years before.
You hear that cliche' "when you know, you know" ?? Well I believe that 100% Mike and I were only together 7 months when he proposed. We just knew. Without a doubt in my mind or my heart I married the one true love of my life.

2. Divorce is not an option. I'm not talking extreme circumstances... I'm just saying too many people divorce because "it's too hard" or "I'm unhappy" or "I fell out of love". Don't buy into the worldly view that if it doesn't work out, we will get a divorce, but for now we will be happy. Don't make divorce an option in your marriage. Don't even use the word. Even in the heat of the worst fights, do not use this word. Divorce is a virus that is running rampant and spreading evil throughout the world. Marriage is a covenant made before GOD. The two joined in this manner are quite literally becoming one in the eyes of their creator. [[See Mark chapter 10]]

And Jesus said to them, “Because of your ehardness of heart he wrote you this commandment. 6 But ffrom the beginning of creation, ‘God made them gmale and female.’ 7 h‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife,1 8 and ithe two shall become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two but one flesh. 9 jWhat therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.”

 

 

3. Staying on this subject, let's talk about love. People talk about love as if it is an emotion... and it is. BUT it is so much more. Love is an action verb. Love is something you have to commit to every single day. You choose to love. Every day when you wake up, say to yourself... I love this person. When you act "love" you feel love. Those initial feelings of "this person can do no wrong and the world is all butterflies and rainbows" WILL go away. When that happens, many people choose to throw in the towel. It IS a choice. You can choose to stop loving. Don't. Do something nice for your spouse to show them love as often as you can... no matter how big or small. My husband brings me flowers nearly every week, that gesture always fills my heart to overflowing with the knowledge that he loves me without even hearing the words.

I show love by baking something special, cooking for him or cleaning up after him without complaining. It may sound old fashioned, but when my husband comes home from a long day and has to work on homework for hours and goes to bed late, then gets up the next morning and finds all his work clothes already clean and ready to wear... he knows he is loved. Love is an action. Do everything you can to show love... not just the words or physical love... although those are very important, your spouse needs to know without a doubt that no matter what happens in your life, you will always be there to love them.

Loving someone sometimes means going to bed angry (despite what nearly everyone will tell you). It's much better to go to bed angry and wake up calm the next day than to say something unloving that you will later regret and that your spouse will remember for a very long time.

Everyone loves in a different way, learn what works for you and your spouse and do it. (I've been meaning the read The 5 Love Languages, a book about what shows love for different types of people). What works for me does not work for my husband and vice versa. You think he'd get all giddy over a flower? Please... but his cup runs over with knowledge that I love him when I hug him or kiss him on the cheek when he least expects it... or I randomly tell him I am proud of him and respect him beyond measure. And if he's reading this... I really do my dear husband... You are truly the greatest man I know.

 

 

4. Think twice before complaining about your spouse. Chances are the things that you are fighting about are silly and you will get over it before you know it, but bringing other people into your so-called problems will make them linger. I'm not saying you won't have legitimate arguments about important things or that your spouse will never seriously hurt your feelings... I'm saying, when you talk bad about your spouse or complain about them to your friends, they will remember it. They will also, mostly innocently, bring those times up again when they hear you complaining yet again. This action puts you on the "other" side of the team... you should ALWAYS try to stay on your partner's side. You are a team.... you are THE team. You should always always make an effort to uplift your spouse instead of putting them down, even if you think they will never know about it.

Everyone makes this mistake at times, it's just human nature to "gossip". Just try not to. Trust me, your marriage will benefit from the constant "lifting up" of one another, and soon it will be second nature to you... you will see your spouse in a different light than you see the rest of the world. They will never be perfect, but it is important to remind yourself (and those around you) that they are perfect for you.

When you do talk to your friends or your friends talk to you about their marriages, be supportive and understanding and never talk down their spouse. Yes, there are moments you will inadvertenly blurt out "no he didn't!" but try to avoid the "what a jerk" comments and instead say things like "I'm sorry you're upset" or "you guys love each other, this is just a rough patch". I can't even count the number of times that my best friend and I have reassured each other over the years through our marriages. Sometimes you do need an outside ear to listen, but be cautious about who you choose. Choose someone who you know will be rational. Someone who supports Team "Mr. and Mrs." Someone who understands the importance of keeping the integrity and closeness in your marriage.

 

 

5. I had a patient at work recently that had been married for 64 years. My favorite question to ask such couples is, "what is your secret to staying married for so long?" Her response? "I've just enjoyed it!" I could see the love shining from her face as she said those words. Seems simple right?

Often times life gets in the way, and you forget to simply enjoy your marriage. There are things to worry about, work to be done, bills to pay, disasters at every turn, children to take care of... infertility... miscarriage... a countless number of things that can make you actually forget to enjoy your marriage!! Have fun together... make special time for each other every week, even if it's something small. Mike and I like to go sit at the bar at firebird's, have a steak and a glass of wine and watch whatever game is on. We do this almost every week, it's our special little simple "together" time, time to unwind, leave all our problems behind and just hang out together. The time doesn't always have to be anything big like a vacation or anything romantic like a fancy date... it can just be laying together on the couch watching a movie. The intimacy of being able to just be with someone and relax is amazing and important. Be each other's best friend. What is better than getting to spend EVERY day with your best friend?!

 

 

6. Stop thinking grass may be greener on the other side. This is a dangerous way of thinking. Everyone's grass needs tending. No one's marriage is perfect, and every marriage takes work. Just know that marriage doesn't have to entirely be work!! It's dangerous to think there are perfect marriages because you will always feel like yours is falling short. It's not... life is what you make it. My husband's saying of "it is what it is" used to irritate and infuriate me, it seemed like such a blow-off... but there are things in life you can't change or always fix! And that is okay! The important thing is that you are willing to make the effort to tend your marriage's "grass". The more you nurture your relationship, the better it will be... and the "work" feeling will diminish. Whatever you do... do it together, and your marriage will be strong and healthy and beautiful... your grass will be beautiful. :)

 

And finally...

 

7. Do not make yourself or your spouse number one in your marriage.

 

Wait... What??? Yeah I know... don't do it.

 

Make GOD number one. Always. If God is the one leading your marriage, there is no way you can fail. Pray together, worship together, put your spouse above other people, but never EVER above God. I wish I had known this on the day we got married. I vaguely knew it but I didn't KNOW it, or at least I didn't know how to do it. This is something we have learned together over the years. We had to learn to follow God's plan for our lives (and our marriage) and it has grown better with every passing moment. It hasn't always been easy but... Relationships THRIVE when God is at the center of them. Growing closer to God individually and together will bring the deepest love and appreciation and happiness that you can ever imagine... sometimes even way more than you can imagine. Any marriage can succeed as long as God is leading the way of two willing hearts.

 

_________________________________________________________________________________

 

So, Lauren, I hope these are the answers you were looking for... probably way more than you wanted to hear, but these are my thoughts. At least part of them : )

 

The only thing I would say I would do differently had I known how our marriage would turn out, is to slow down. I would have concentrated less on what the wedding should be and more on what our marriage should be like. The best thing we ever did during our engagement was a church-based marriage counseling using the book "Love & Respect" by Emerson Eggerichs. We still look back at it from time to time when we are feeling frustrated and not understanding one another. Men and women will always react and/or think differently about almost every situation... so don't expect the other person to read your mind! Use your words, even when you feel like you shouldn't have to explain yourself... explain yourself anyways, you'll be amazed at how many arguments you avoid that way.

 

And to those readers out there who are thinking about getting married  or engaged? Pray for direction and guidance from God. You don't need luck. You just love. Love each other every day and thank God for every day that you get to spend together. The rest, you can figure out... as long as you're willing to figure it out together.

With everything that has happened in our time together, a little bad and a lot of good. I am thankful for every second of it, because I get to spend the rest of my life with this man.

________________________________________________________________

 

For those of you looking for an update to our story... there isn't too much news, but one is coming soon.

When God fights your battles...

You always win, in the end.

I know most of you have already seen the news on facebook. My overzealous husband had posted the picture before I was even done scanning.

so.... ladies and gentlemen... here THEY are...

 

 

Two little sacs... two little heartbeats... 124 beats per minute (measuring 6 weeks and 1 day) and 116 beats per minute (measuring 6 weeks). One of them is a little harder to see right now because of where the baby is sitting in the sac but we still got the heartbeat... I'm praying for BOTH of their growth and continued health. Today I am 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant, I am happy with their measurements, I know when someone else is scanning me they will be much more accurate!!

 

I still can't stop crying. In a good way. : )

 

Vacation was good, but honestly I've never been so glad to be home. I'm beyond tired... and a trip just wiped me out!

 

I like to say when you cry out to God he always shows up... but sometimes he likes to show off too... what an amazing God we serve.

 

Our doctor's appointment is Monday and if all is well he will set us up to be released to the care of an obgyn... possibly high risk with multiples. : )

 

Please lift these babies up in your prayers!! And join us in praising and thanking God for this miraculous creation!! 

To God Alone Be The Glory

4th of July 2013. What a day for celebration.... while thinking about all those throughout the nation honoring this day, we will be celebrating a little differently this year. We are spending the day giving all glory and honor and praise to our Lord above. When you pour into him... He definitely pours right back out to you... and in His perfect timing, He will answer your prayer. For two years we have prayed... for two years we have struggled... for two years we have been tested and fought back against forces that tried to drag us down physically and emotionally.

Well my friends... I know you are all anxiously awaiting our news...


Our numbers are good! We are officially expecting!!

Don't mind him... I'm pretty sure he's still in shock.

Okay... okay... you caught me... we did a home test first. Patience is not one of my strong virtues... but we are working on that. : )

While we are overjoyed for this... we must stop and thank the One who brought us here... the One that created this life (or lives) within my womb. It is only by God's provision and blessing that we have arrived to this point in our lives.

You see... it doesn't matter how many medications I took... what doctor's I saw... this is all God's work. God gives these doctors the knowledge to help those who struggle... God is the creator of all life. Not an embryologist... not a reproductive specialist... Only God can create life. And ... He has.

It will be several weeks before we know whether we are expecting one baby or two... but honestly we are hoping and praying for two. We fell in love with those little babies as soon as we saw their picture, of course we want them both! We will be happy with whatever God sees fit to give us. This blessing is beyond anything we deserve... this beautiful life is beyond anything we deserve. We cannot thank God enough for all He has done for us and in us over these last two years.

The first trimester is a little scary for us, considering what happened with our first angel baby... but we must put fear aside. We already love these babies so much, they definitely have all of our hearts. Please pray for us during this time... that these babies grow and stick around for a while. : ) But no matter what happens... I will enjoy every second of this pregnancy... even when I have my head in the toilet and my boobs hurt so bad that they wake me up when I move around at night. I thank God for each and every symptom that lets me know our little babies (or baby) are holding tight in there. Our numbers will be rechecked on Saturday to ensure that they are going up... right now my beta HCG is 115, which the nurse said is STRONG positive. They should double every 48-72 hours.

Many people have asked if we whether or not we would announce this pregnancy so early considering our first miscarriage, but I believe this is a huge show of faith for us to step out and make it public. There are so many people rooting for us... praying for us... and we cherish each and every prayer we receive.

Hebrews 4:16
So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.

Matthew 7:7
Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you.

So friends... as you are celebrating the holiday with your friends and family today, we ask that you say a special prayer of thanks... every prayer gets answered... every prayer matters. 

I heard a song called "One Drop" by Plumb... it perfectly describes how I'm feeling right now... happy... blessed... amazing.

I need you and you need me
Left alone we will never be who we could be
So take my hand and don't forget
We can do anything together!

Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Come with me now, look and see how
There's an ocean overflowing with our hopes!
So let's jump in and take a swim
You and me yeah, forever!

Oh, oh, oh,
Just one drop of your love
A single ray of sun
 Just one thing to change the world!
It's just you and me starting with a dream
And giving all you've got
Only takes one drop!
Oh, oh, oh, only takes one drop!
Only takes one drop
Only takes one drop
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I need you and you need me
We can do anything together!

 

 

One drop of hope... of love... of faith can change your world or someone else's. It sure has changed mine. Jump in... face your fears... and above all... have faith my friends. God is real and alive and working in you every day!

 

Deuteronomy 31:6

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you."

1 Corinthians 16:13
Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong.

________________________________________________________________

Dear Babies,

I promise to take the best care of you that I possibly can. Hold tight little ones... and even if all you continue to let me eat is chicken lo mein and golden honeydew melon and watermelon jolly ranchers, I promise to never complain... I will give you anything your little forming hearts desire... just try to give me a heads up to the things you hate before they go into my mouth ; ) I will gladly avoid anything you don't like. I don't have enough words to tell you how much your daddy and I love you... but that doesn't even hold a candle to how much God loves you. We are so thankful to Him for creating you and giving you to us. Your grandparents are beside themselves with joy... and your Aunt Annie cried almost as much as mommy did at the happy news. Your uncle Derek will protect you forever and your little cousin Ethan cannot wait to play with you and teach you all the little tricks he has learned to get your way. I think your great-mammaw is more excited than anyone (except us, of course)... you have such a big family that has been wanting you in their lives so badly! There are so many more people that love you so much already... we cannot wait for you to meet all of the prayer warriors that have been constantly in prayer for you to come to be.

Grow strong my darlings. I promise to keep you safe in every way I possibly can... but only by the grace of God can mommy do that... and mommy and daddy are praying for you constantly!

Your daddy found this song and I promised him that I would learn it and sing it to you every single night before bed...

Love,
Your very very very happy Mommy and Daddy... and three puppies that are guarding mommy's tummy every day : )

Keeping the Trust

The thing about being on this journey is that most days are like trying to climb your way up a steep mountain... in the pouring rain... inside a deep dense overgrown forest... with a blindfold on. Yeah, that about sums it up. Today I am feeling emotional. By emotional I mean I have spent a lot of time crying today. I watched Wall-E earlier for the first time. Leave it to Disney to leave me crying when they want you to believe that that sweet little robot has no recollection of his robot love... heck I just cried watching an episode of Food Network Star that I had recorded on our DVR.

Call me hormonal, I suppose... but today I just feel like a mess... at least I can eat. Actually, I can't stop eating today. I'm STARVING. My mother left to go home this afternoon now that I am officially out of my 48 hour bed rest period. I have been eating ever since. I'm still taking it easy, and will probably for the next... oh 9 months, God willing.

This is all part of the roller coaster. I know that. I know that all of these symptoms I have could be withdrawals from the injections or the use of hormones to sustain our little post-transfer babies. I know that I am the type of person to overanalyze any and every symptom I have... that's what I have always done on this journey for two years... but now? I have to make myself stop. Easier said than done when a simple innocent thought can put me into a pile of weepy tears in a millisecond. But I must... I must TRUST.

When I stop... and I pray... I feel the peace. I just have to figure out how to hold on to that peace. The good part of it? God doesn't care how many times a day we come to him and ask him for peace. He loves giving it to us. I also believe He loves when we make it a point to come to HIM for it without trying to find it in other avenues. Don't wear out Google searching for "post transfer IVF success symptoms". Instead... break out that bible. Break out that devotional... you just might find that word you're so longing to hear... like this:

 

This is today's entry from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Yes, Kandie... I stole this picture from you. ; )

My friend Kandie and I are on such similar journeys... it's definitely a God thing that we found each other... so of course we are reading the same devotional. You should definitely check out her blog here.

I know that over the next days and weeks my mind is going to wander to a thousand places and I am going to feel a thousand feelings. The only thing I can control is where I go from here... and I want to go to Jesus.

God... give me the strength... the patience... the protection. I know we are asking to keep our miracle... but that is only in Your hands, we are fully aware of that... and we are fully trusting YOU and only YOU in that.

_______________________________________________________________

Dear babies... I know I've told you a million times already... but I love you so much. Hold tight to me my dears... Let God protect us all... xo

Waiting To Meet Our Miracles

Saturday morning I was awoken with a call from our embryologist, or as I like to call him... the babysitter. He had excellent news. Out of our 21 fertilized eggs we had 6 embryos in excellent condition and 5 in average condition. The embryologist was very thrilled, he said these were excellent results. He then said the rest were below average or fragmented (read not developing properly). I spent the rest of Saturday on the couch resting... only doing a couple of things around the house. I was still feeling the effects of the retrieval.

Sunday was the longest day ever. Our babysitter told me he would not be calling me that day, not because they weren't there, but because it is best to leave the babies in the incubator with the least disturbance as possible. Whatever is good for our little darlings! I was still sore... so Mike let me slept in. I hated missing church, but I knew it would be difficult to get up and around in a brisk manner. Showering felt like a job. I was exhausted before I even got my hair completely dry.

Although I still wasn't feeling too great... I had developed cabin fever. Big time. We planned to go to an afternoon movie with hub's best friend and his awesome girlfriend and then to an early dinner. We saw World War Z. Zombie movies are not hub's favorite genre, so I was surprised by the choice. I actually really enjoy these types of movies and books... I know it's weird. I blame that on being partially raised by my brother. : ) I will say this however... nothing will get your mind off of your anxieties better than watching a bunch of people try to save the world from a zombie virus.

I slept horribly last night. It was not due to the movie... when I have bad dreams they tend to be way more realistic than zombies. As I tossed and turned... I began to pray. I prayed for healing. I prayed for our little embies growing in their incubator... I prayed for good results... I prayed for our future. I prayed for God's will and OUR understanding of that will. That is the most important part of all of this... following God's plan for our life. That is when the blessings flow, and boy are they flowing.

I got the call from our babysitter this morning. He was joyful as always, which instantly put me at ease. He said he peeked at our little eggos today and they are developing into blastocysts... right on track!! I cannot wait to see them tomorrow. I will arrive at the surgery center at 9:45 in the morning and the procedure will occur by 10:45. I will be given a valium before the procedure and lay on the tilt table for 30 minutes after the transfer. They plan to transfer 2 embryos.

Because of my estriadol levels before retrieval being over 4000 I have been at a high risk to develop OHSS which would build up fluid in my pelvis. The good news is that I haven't had any symptoms of this... I haven't had any weight gain, my abdomen is not distended and I have been urinating frequently (come on nothing is TMI by now). The doctor says these are excellent signs for everything to go smoothly. HOWEVER, if they get in there tomorrow and see too much fluid they may only transfer one embie. We are praying that doesn't happen. There is a much higher success rate with two transferred, plus that is our plan... that is our path. I feel it. With my curiosity peaked, I did scan myself today... and I do have some fluid in my pelvis... I'm hoping that is just a post surgical reaction and it won't be enough to put a damper on anything. It wasn't a large amount... I don't even look or feel bloated.

To work off some nerves. I cleaned the house when I got home... although it wasn't too dirty. I just know that coming home to a clean house tomorrow will make me feel more at ease. Whatever works right? I love a clean house... it calms me. I put clean sheets on the bed, since I won't be leaving them after we get home tomorrow until Thursday afternoon. I will be on strict bedrest for 48 hours when I get home. By strict I mean I am allowed bathroom privileges and am allowed to walk from the bed to the couch. That is IT. I am not allowed to get up and do ANYTHING. Hubs will be working from home tomorrow afternoon and after that, my sweet mommy is going to come stay with me so he can go to work Wednesday and Thursday.  : )

We went last night to stock up on snacks that I might want or need if I'm feeling sick. It's really hard to plan what you are going to want when you can't do anything... but we tried.

So tomorrow is the big day. I feel like it has been a long time coming... it really does fly by once you start the medications. It feels like just yesterday we were meeting with Dr. Ke for the first time.

I'm so excited. I'm so happy. I can't wait to see pictures of our little babies. I feel pretty at ease right now, although I anticipate not sleeping much tonight... much like a little kid waiting on a visit from Santa Claus. Now that everything is in order... all I can do is relax. And pray. Pray pray pray.

______________________________________________________________

Dear Babies,

I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Our little ball of cells that are our miracles. We have been looking forward to this for so long. We have constantly been dreaming of you and your brothers and sisters that are growing along side of you. Mommy has done her best to do everything right for you to be healthy and happy. Tomorrow two of you will be transferred into mommy's uterus. PLEASE make yourself at home. PLEASE stick around. I know you are anxious to meet your older brother in Heaven, but we would really really love it if you would stay with us for a while. We are anxious to meet him too... maybe you already have met him... because we know you came straight from God's heart and into our world. We hope everything goes well during the transfer and the following months... But we want you to know that if anything should happen, and you get called home early... we love you. We will cherish every second we get to spend with you on this Earth, whether it is a few days or many many years. You are now and always will be our miracle babies. We love you. Forever... in this world and the next.

Forever Trusting in Love,
Mommy and Daddy (and your 3 puppies waiting to kiss your face and love you forever too)

Faith, Progress and Love

Hello friends! More monitoring today... I went from 10 measurable follicles to about 15! That is egg-cellent news. ; ) Our target date has been delayed a tad... the follicles still aren't quite ready to go. We will have more monitoring Sunday morning. My estriadol went from 803 to 1540, a good jump. We knew once we started the ganirelix it would no longer double.

As far as side effects are going, I cannot differentiate the ganirelix from the menopur for a lot of things, such as dizziness, never ending thirst, fatigue and well... I just feel out of it to be honest with you. Today is my off day which I usually spend cleaning. But now? I clean for about 10 minutes then feel exhausted and out of breath and have to lay down for a bit before I can do much more. It's not awful... just kind of annoying because I lay here bored and when I try to do anything, I can't. But as with everything else I will do whatever it takes. As far as the injections themselves... the ganirelix does not hurt going in... it's only about 10-15 minutes later that the site turns really red, almost rash-like and burns. That only last a few hours before it turns into an area of bruising. My stomach is starting to look like a battle field. Oh and the battery acid? Oh, I mean the menopur. It HURTS... even with icing the area for a while before hand. Given the results we got during the ultrasound, it is SO worth it!

The lining of my uterus looks nice and healthy, just where we want it. The follicles on average are measuring about 14mm now, we need them to get to 18 mm before harvesting. On average they will grow 1-2 mm a day, but with the ganirelix that might be slowed. For now, they are saying our retrieval may happen on Wednesday or Thursday. We will know more after Sunday's testing. Until then... our meds are not changing. We are doing ganirelix and menopur in the morning and 150 IU of follistim in the evening.

I've been more worried about our eggs than I'd like to admit, at least on a subconscious level. First I was afraid I would spontaneously ovulate prematurely before starting the ganirelix. Then last night I dreamed that the ganirelix didn't work and all of my follicles had ruptured and they weren't able to see any eggs when we had the ultrasound. Being afraid is just a natural part of this. Overall I feel pretty calm, at least right now. I'm confident in the direction we are going. I'm confident that the medication is working... I'm confident in the ability of our doctors. Because ultimately it is all in God's hands. If God wants us to be parents, we will be, whether it is by these or other means.

I've been thinking about my husband more and more with father's day rapidly approaching. I hope to be able to give him as many eggs as my body is willing to give up... but there is nothing I could ever do to show my full appreciation for him. He is still faithfully doing all of my injections. He drove me to work on Thursday because he was worried about me driving with the potential side effects of the new injections. I was glad he did. I don't think it would have been safe with the level of dizziness I had yesterday. I know it is hard on him, seeing me bruised and in pain... but he is staying strong for me... he finally opened up about his concerns through this... about me. About how I will react if this is a big fat failure. Honestly, that has been a concern of mine as well. But I will tell you as I told him... this is the truth that I know now that I did not know during our miscarriage. My husband is enough for me to be happy. I want to be a mother. I will always be a mother to our angel baby... but above that, I am a wife. And I cannot imagine a life outside of "me and him". Children will only add to that joy. BUT If it is only going to be us (and all our four legged babies) from here on out... YES I would be devastated and upset... but as long as I have my dear husband. I know I can survive it.

My husband is the one who pushed me in my faith. He is the reason I am the person I am now. He is my rock. He is the love of my life. He is my one and only. I'm doing all of this for us, for our family... for our future. We are going through this together. Hand in hand. Every day. We fight as one. We worship as one. We pray as one. From the day we said "I Do" we became one. For better or for worse. Through infertility and IVF or adoption or anything life throws at us... we walk it together. We fight it out, together. We have faith...we have HOPE together. That makes all things possible... because our hope is in our Lord. The One who brought us together. The One who made us. The One we put our vows before when we became one in his eyes. We stand together on our faith. We hold together through our love.

Stay tuned for more news on Sunday...