Saturday morning I was awoken with a call from our embryologist, or as I like to call him... the babysitter. He had excellent news. Out of our 21 fertilized eggs we had 6 embryos in excellent condition and 5 in average condition. The embryologist was very thrilled, he said these were excellent results. He then said the rest were below average or fragmented (read not developing properly). I spent the rest of Saturday on the couch resting... only doing a couple of things around the house. I was still feeling the effects of the retrieval.
Sunday was the longest day ever. Our babysitter told me he would not be calling me that day, not because they weren't there, but because it is best to leave the babies in the incubator with the least disturbance as possible. Whatever is good for our little darlings! I was still sore... so Mike let me slept in. I hated missing church, but I knew it would be difficult to get up and around in a brisk manner. Showering felt like a job. I was exhausted before I even got my hair completely dry.
Although I still wasn't feeling too great... I had developed cabin fever. Big time. We planned to go to an afternoon movie with hub's best friend and his awesome girlfriend and then to an early dinner. We saw World War Z. Zombie movies are not hub's favorite genre, so I was surprised by the choice. I actually really enjoy these types of movies and books... I know it's weird. I blame that on being partially raised by my brother. : ) I will say this however... nothing will get your mind off of your anxieties better than watching a bunch of people try to save the world from a zombie virus.
I slept horribly last night. It was not due to the movie... when I have bad dreams they tend to be way more realistic than zombies. As I tossed and turned... I began to pray. I prayed for healing. I prayed for our little embies growing in their incubator... I prayed for good results... I prayed for our future. I prayed for God's will and OUR understanding of that will. That is the most important part of all of this... following God's plan for our life. That is when the blessings flow, and boy are they flowing.
I got the call from our babysitter this morning. He was joyful as always, which instantly put me at ease. He said he peeked at our little eggos today and they are developing into blastocysts... right on track!! I cannot wait to see them tomorrow. I will arrive at the surgery center at 9:45 in the morning and the procedure will occur by 10:45. I will be given a valium before the procedure and lay on the tilt table for 30 minutes after the transfer. They plan to transfer 2 embryos.
Because of my estriadol levels before retrieval being over 4000 I have been at a high risk to develop OHSS which would build up fluid in my pelvis. The good news is that I haven't had any symptoms of this... I haven't had any weight gain, my abdomen is not distended and I have been urinating frequently (come on nothing is TMI by now). The doctor says these are excellent signs for everything to go smoothly. HOWEVER, if they get in there tomorrow and see too much fluid they may only transfer one embie. We are praying that doesn't happen. There is a much higher success rate with two transferred, plus that is our plan... that is our path. I feel it. With my curiosity peaked, I did scan myself today... and I do have some fluid in my pelvis... I'm hoping that is just a post surgical reaction and it won't be enough to put a damper on anything. It wasn't a large amount... I don't even look or feel bloated.
To work off some nerves. I cleaned the house when I got home... although it wasn't too dirty. I just know that coming home to a clean house tomorrow will make me feel more at ease. Whatever works right? I love a clean house... it calms me. I put clean sheets on the bed, since I won't be leaving them after we get home tomorrow until Thursday afternoon. I will be on strict bedrest for 48 hours when I get home. By strict I mean I am allowed bathroom privileges and am allowed to walk from the bed to the couch. That is IT. I am not allowed to get up and do ANYTHING. Hubs will be working from home tomorrow afternoon and after that, my sweet mommy is going to come stay with me so he can go to work Wednesday and Thursday. : )
We went last night to stock up on snacks that I might want or need if I'm feeling sick. It's really hard to plan what you are going to want when you can't do anything... but we tried.
So tomorrow is the big day. I feel like it has been a long time coming... it really does fly by once you start the medications. It feels like just yesterday we were meeting with Dr. Ke for the first time.
I'm so excited. I'm so happy. I can't wait to see pictures of our little babies. I feel pretty at ease right now, although I anticipate not sleeping much tonight... much like a little kid waiting on a visit from Santa Claus. Now that everything is in order... all I can do is relax. And pray. Pray pray pray.
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Dear Babies,
I cannot wait to see you tomorrow. Our little ball of cells that are our miracles. We have been looking forward to this for so long. We have constantly been dreaming of you and your brothers and sisters that are growing along side of you. Mommy has done her best to do everything right for you to be healthy and happy. Tomorrow two of you will be transferred into mommy's uterus. PLEASE make yourself at home. PLEASE stick around. I know you are anxious to meet your older brother in Heaven, but we would really really love it if you would stay with us for a while. We are anxious to meet him too... maybe you already have met him... because we know you came straight from God's heart and into our world. We hope everything goes well during the transfer and the following months... But we want you to know that if anything should happen, and you get called home early... we love you. We will cherish every second we get to spend with you on this Earth, whether it is a few days or many many years. You are now and always will be our miracle babies. We love you. Forever... in this world and the next.
Forever Trusting in Love,
Mommy and Daddy (and your 3 puppies waiting to kiss your face and love you forever too)
April first... a day I had been both anticipating in joy and fearing so greatly. It was time to bring in the big guns. My heart had been pounding all day... I hardly slept the night before. Suddenly it felt like the first day at a new school and I didn't know if anyone would ask me to sit with them at lunch. Then I remembered my hubby would be there... every step of the way.
Enter Fertility Associates of Memphis, at least if we were going to do this, we were going to do it with the right people. I was ready. They had my records... and I had my handy book of questions and answers. 21 questions to be exact. Mike actually laughed when I told him how many I had written down, but I did NOT want to forget anything in front of the firing squad! We walked into this office, greeted by the nicest people. That didn't stop my heart from pounding... and pounding. I was taken back for the regular doctor things, blood pressure, weight, height, etc. Then we were taking into a room... heart pounding and pounding and pounding. We tried small talk with each other, but it would not calm my nerves. Then entered Dr. Ke.
I was forewarned that he had a very dry personality... that wouldn't bother me. I wanted someone who would be straightforward with me under these circumstances. He asked many questions... personal of course. I honestly loved the way he talked to us. He was straightforward but not in an uncaring way. He was personable. He genuinely cared about our situation. He laughed with us at the good things (like my husband's excellent test results)... and gave us honest options about the bad things. When we were close to the end of the appointment I looked at my notebook and he had already answered about 19 of the questions I had written down. Suddenly, I felt completely at ease with him. I trusted him. That was a huge weight lifted... knowing I was in good hands, some of the best if you look at all his awards. After that I had 6 vials of blood drawn, was set up for one more and would have to call back to schedule the final one before our next appointment, because the last one had to be done after the start of my next cycle. I was terrified of getting that much blood drawn but the girl was so efficient and barely left a mark.
Here is the information he could give us based on everything I had done so far... minus the pending blood work. We could try IUI (intrauterine insemination) and he would try to get us up to a 15% chance of that working, but he wasn't very optimistic about it (I could really tell) 1. because of my funky shaped uterus 2. because of everything we had tried so far 3. because he suspected something more was going on chemically with my body that was causing me not to become pregnant (but wouldn't be able to confirm that without the blood results) and 4. because I have a history of OHSS (over stimulation) he said it was likely to happen again, and in that instance the procedure would simply be cancelled... and all those injections would have been for nothing. He was willing to try because it was so much easier than our one other option. IVF. In vitro fertilization. He was clear that this was our best shot. Conservatively he gave us a 50-60% success rate... and that was without my test results. The biggest thing would be to check my egg reserves but was confident based on how my body reacted to letrozole, the injections would be successful in getting us our desired amount of eggs ripe for harvesting.
I asked him straight up, "If this was you and your wife in our situation, what would you do?" Without hesitation, he said "IVF, absolutely." I knew he was right. The medical side of my brain told me he was right. The $15,000 price tag however had me shaken. We had about half that. The good news was that he didn't see any reason that I would not be able to successfully carry a child to term. He was clear however, that if I ended up pregnant with twins I would be seeing a high risk doctor just to be on the safe side. He absolutely did not want me pregnant with a higher number of multiples that that. He also said to be glad we were at the point of seeing him while we were still relatively young... even though we've been fighting this for 2 years... we felt fortunate that we weren't just getting to this point 6 or 7 years down the road.
We needed time to process.
I left feeling okay. I knew we were in the right hands... I knew that God wouldn't let us make a mistake in deciding what to do... but I had to process... and grieve. You see he also told us our chances of conceiving on our own... let's just say it was slim to none. Yet again, I knew how much of an absolute miracle our first baby was. He didn't say it was impossible... but it was awfully close. It was a lot to take in. And I had to take time to grieve the fact that it was not likely that I could. That was a hard blow as a woman, a wife and a mother.
I knew one thing for sure... it was all in God's hands and whatever God had in store for us... we were ready.
Our next appointment was scheduled for April 29th. Then we would have a definite plan.
June 2012
So there we were with these magic pills that are supposed to make my ovaries work. I felt like Jack with his magic beans... this will work. I knew it. It had to, right? I took them as directed. Whoa.
Now if you do your research... you will find that the risk of side effects from this medicine, especially the low dosage that I was on (25mg), is pretty low. I had all of them.
- Hot flashes. These were particularly bad at night, I would wake up drenched in sweat. It was gross and uncomfortable. Not to mention that I work in the only doctor's office in the world that is perpetually too hot. Not a good combination.
- Bloating and abdominal discomfort. Good thing I wear scrubs most days. Whoever invented that drawstring thing is a genius. The other time I would have to spend in either sweats or leggings.
- Weight gain. Yep, I gained 10+ pounds in a matter of days. That's normal right?
- Mood swings. Goodness... the mood swings. I could go from being the nicest person in the world to being the angriest in a matter of seconds. Oh and let's not forget the crying. Just one "joke" from my husband could put me in the floor in a pile of tears in no time. This would take some adjustment. We argued, I got mad at anything he would say. Oh you don't want to eat what I cooked for dinner? Welcome to World War 3. Any jokes felt like a good swift kick in the stomach. Instantly I could produce enough tears to fill a salt water swimming pool. It was awful. I didn't feel like myself. I knew my husband had to be wondering where this person came from and how he managed to marry this lunatic... the hardest part was that I couldn't help it. No one warned us that it would be this bad. For that "medicated" week, I didn't even know who I was and why I had no control over this!
- Nausea. Check.
- Dizziness. We aren't just talking a little bit. We're talking, try to lay in bed and watch the world spin around you kind of dizziness. Like after taking strong pain medicine and seeing "trails" behind things. Like drinking an entire bottle of wine and then trying to work.
- Headaches. Ugh. I have battled migraines and chronic headaches all my life. Why not take a medicine that would compound that?
- Alopecia. To pile on top of how bad I felt about myself... my hair began falling out. Fantastic.
So here I was... with this whole list of things that no one warned me about. Okay so I was warned about maybe one or two. Apparently my sister in law is the Hulk when it comes to taking medication because she barely had any side effects, if only I could be the same way!! I was very sensitive to this medication. You would think that would be a good thing right? I could take this small dose and then voila- PREGNANT!! Nope. Insert severe abdominal pain and more weight gain. Enough to make me call my GYN.
So I went in and they did an ultrasound to see what was going on. "Wow" the girl said... "there's a lot of cysts here." Boy, was there. More than 5 large ones on each ovary, and a variety of smaller ones as well. I knew that stuff was supposed to produce follicles... but that many?
Then I was taken into my Doctor's office, and she closed the door. Well this can't be good. "Are you in pain?" Yes. "How much weight have you gained?" More than I should in a matter of days. "Okay, I'm going to tell you something and it is going to upset you" ... "You shouldn't try to get pregnant this month" WHAT?!? But that's the whole point of THIS!! "You are suffering from OHSS, ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome. The risk of a great number of multiples is too high, and you are my top priority. I think it would be too much of a risk to your health if that was to happen." Tears. "I'm sorry, I know this sucks." What is the risk of this happening? "Well that's the hard part to explain, I have never in my career seen anyone get hyper stimulated from this low of a dose." Ugh. Go figure, me, the interesting case. "I'm so sorry this is happening." At least that was genuine. The thing is, if you get pregnant while suffering from OHSS, it gets worse... much worse... and lasts throughout the first trimester. She got misty eyed herself watching me take all this in. The infertile woman who is now too fertile and told she can't even try for a baby this month. It was awful. Yet another time I regretted telling my husband not to take off work to go with me to an appointment.
When I left I called him on my way home and gave him yet more bad news. I was sentenced to go home and rest. Take the next day off work. AVOID water because that can apparently make the condition worse. Load up on Gatorade and/or PowerAde. No I would NOT be able to run that fun LuvMud 5K we were looking forward to, but I could go and watch, as long as I sat most of the time, and didn't get overheated.
It was on the way home from that 5K that the cysts began to rupture. Holy cow. It was intense. Miserable. Even with the pain medication. When I got home, all I could do was either lay in the bathtub in the hottest water I could stand or lay in bed on a heating pad... trying to manage the pain. I drank as much as I could... the thirst was indeed excessive. There would be no baby making this month.
Later I would regret agreeing not to try that month. But I would have many "if only" months ahead.
This is when I would begin a strategy to avoid falling back into my depression. I keep a list of blessings in my head. On those bad days I would go through a list of good things in my life. Sometimes it kept the depression away, sometimes it didn't. I still found myself asking many times... "God, why is this happening to me?" "Why does this have to be so hard?" I still wasn't leaning on Him like I should. I should have been casting my burdens upon Him, letting Him help me to carry them... instead I was questioning Him a lot... At least I was talking to Him. FINALLY I was talking to Him on a daily basis. Progress.
I prayed for strength to get through this. At least I didn't have to be admitted to the hospital as many women who suffer from OHSS do, I had a mild case... and if this was a mild case I sure as heck did NOT want to experience a severe one. I would be closely monitored from here on out.
