Another Angel and a Blessing

"God's voice is glorious in the thunder. We can't even imagine the greatness of His power." Job 37:5

So far this pregnancy has been rather uneventful... as far as bad news is concerned at least. But today... today is bittersweet. Today is difficult and happy all at the same time... let me explain.

We had our first trimester ultrasound with our reproductive specialist today, we hoped to see everything beautiful and perfect and be released to an obstetrician. But as you and I both know, in the infertility world, things rarely go perfectly.

We went for our ultrasound before seeing the doctor... we saw two perfect gestational sacs... then on baby A... we did not see the baby... we instead saw an oversized yolk sac and some debris within the sac... and no heartbeat. Baby A has gone to Heaven to be with his or her big brother.

On to baby B... although measuring slightly smaller than our dates (baby is measuring 6 weeks and 5 days and we are technically 7 weeks and 4 days) baby B looks perfect. Little forming parts... heart beating STRONG, 126 beats per minute... sac is growing... yolk sac is perfect.

And then, while evaluating the rest of my uterus and my ovaries... there is a hemorrhage (a bleed in the endometrium) in the left side of my uterus, a small one. The location is a little bit of a relief because it is not near Baby B's gestational sac. The doctor seems optimistic that this bleed will heal itself over time, and does not put Baby B at any greater risk of miscarrying... and the co-twin demise (as he called it) also does not put Baby B at any great risk of miscarrying as well.

So now you see... bittersweet. We are overjoyed for Baby B... that baby is more of a blessing that we deserve, but we are also sad for Baby A. Sad for us, because this baby being born to heaven, really there is no better life than that.

Whether you want to call it a co-twin fetal demise or vanishing twin syndrome (sometimes these terms are used interchangeably), our doctor said it is actually rather common with IVF patients... one embryo (baby) just stops developing at some point... there is no reasoning behind it. The egg was good... the sperm was good... We are not speculating the reason either, I had enough of people doing that with our first loss. Baby A's sac will likely stick around until it becomes compressed by growing Baby B. We do know that losing this baby in the first trimester is actually a better way for this to happen. I use the word better loosely because we never want anything to happen to any of our babies, but like the doctor says, with it happening in the first trimester it doesn't put the surviving twin at any greater risk, but in the second and third trimester it does put the other baby at a great risk for several different complications. Many people that have this happen (without fertility treatments) never even realize that they have miscarried one twin, because there are not the usual signs of miscarriage. No bleeding, very little cramping and most times the sac is not passed. In many cases they go in for their first ultrasound, see twins and when they go back... one twin is just gone... hence the term vanishing twin. Our doctor also gently said that he is more comfortable with me having a singleton pregnancy, for MY health... and I understand that too.

Now for the hemorrhage, these are so very common... I know that... the rational part of my brain knows that when I worked in the hospital, half of the people with first trimester bleeding that I scanned had a subchorionic hemorrhage or hematoma. The not so rational part of my brain is paranoid knowing that this also happened with our first pregnancy. The difference is that this hemorrhage (at least so far) does not affect or touch the sac of Baby B. So I can breathe a little sigh of relief. In most circumstances these places resolve on their own. Statistically 25% of pregnancies have a hemorrhage, many don't even realize it. So far I have had zero bleeding or spotting. Although, the doctor basically told me not to freak out if I did have some... as long as it was dark and only a small amount. Anything greater and I am supposed to call them immediately. The larger the hematoma, the greater risk of miscarriage. For now, our doctor is not too concerned about the hemorrhage. I know to stay hydrated and to kind of take it easy... but for now do not have to be on bed rest.


Here is our beautiful healthy little butter bean...

 

 

And we know... we have two little angels waiting for us when we get to Heaven.

 

Otherwise the doctor is happy with how things look overall. He offered nausea medicine but I'd rather not take it unless I absolutely have to. Now that I know more about what foods this baby likes for me to have and what this baby hates... things have gotten easier. I have a ton of nausea but am not vomiting as much. The doctor suggested that I eat a snack every 30 minutes or so... guess I should just strap a feed bag to my face, I thought that eating every couple of hours was a lot, ha ha. He also recommended taking Dramamine before bed to alleviate evening nausea... I think I will actually try that because I often feel very sick when I lay down. Otherwise I am told to drink lots of water, no problem there as long as it is full of ice, that is my #1 pregnancy crave. : ) I have some mild cramping but nothing crazy, not as severe as period cramps... but my uterus is twice the size as it was 7 weeks ago so a little discomfort is to be expected with things growing! We will be rechecked next Wednesday afternoon to be sure Baby B still looks good and to check the bleed. We aren't sure at this point when we will be released to our OBGYN but I'm grateful to be watched so closely. We will continue on our current medications for now.

 

To go on and answer your first question.... we are ok. We are obviously sad for the loss of baby A but feel beyond blessed to still have one healthy growing heart pounding little baby still in there. We pray constantly for this sweet little lovie to keep thriving.

 

Mourning this loss is rather bizarre... it's bizarre to be so happy for one baby and so sad for the other at the same time. We still feel so very thankful for this blessing. But... I do know that mourning is necessary. This morning I broke into tears telling my parents, but as it sinks in more and more I really am ok. I am very optimistic for our growing butter bean. We cherish any prayers you want to send our way. I still have more tears for Baby A... and I will let those out, but I think it is important for everyone to know that in everything we give thanks to our Creator... our Lord. God does not make mistakes, and whatever the reason for this loss, we know the outcome will be God's plan... and we are more than okay with that. We know that God is with us every single step of the way... he never leaves us... and he never leads us in the wrong direction.

 

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Dear Babies...

 

We love you both so very much. It is important to us that you both know that.

 

Baby A- we are so sad... not for you, but for us... we wished to kiss those toes and tell you all about our journey... but now you know. You are in Heaven and by now have met your big brother. I'm happy for you two to have each other. We feel so blessed to have had you with us for a little while, for us it wasn't quite long enough. We know that you are happy and healthy and perfect hanging out with our Lord and Savior. We don't know why you had to go so soon but we know that God has a bigger plan, and we will forever trust in Him. We will love you forever... and one day, we will all be together... one BIG happy perfect family. We will never forget you my darling child.

 

Baby B- I cannot tell you the joy it brought us today to see your little heart beating so strongly. We know you miss your little sibling but we need you to keep growing and hold tight my love! Mommy and daddy are worried for your health, not that there is anything wrong with you, but we just want you to stick around so badly!! I can already see your little head with your beautiful brain forming... you look so amazing. You already have many people praying for you and loving you so much. Mommy will do her best to take care of you, but it is ultimately in God's hands... we trust Him completely with your life! We love you so much... and we will love you forever... so will your three puppies that are desperate to meet you and play with you too!

 

All mommy and daddy can say is that we love you both beyond measure... and God loves you even more than that!

 

Forever Yours,

Mommy and Daddy

 



 

Faith, Progress and Love

Hello friends! More monitoring today... I went from 10 measurable follicles to about 15! That is egg-cellent news. ; ) Our target date has been delayed a tad... the follicles still aren't quite ready to go. We will have more monitoring Sunday morning. My estriadol went from 803 to 1540, a good jump. We knew once we started the ganirelix it would no longer double.

As far as side effects are going, I cannot differentiate the ganirelix from the menopur for a lot of things, such as dizziness, never ending thirst, fatigue and well... I just feel out of it to be honest with you. Today is my off day which I usually spend cleaning. But now? I clean for about 10 minutes then feel exhausted and out of breath and have to lay down for a bit before I can do much more. It's not awful... just kind of annoying because I lay here bored and when I try to do anything, I can't. But as with everything else I will do whatever it takes. As far as the injections themselves... the ganirelix does not hurt going in... it's only about 10-15 minutes later that the site turns really red, almost rash-like and burns. That only last a few hours before it turns into an area of bruising. My stomach is starting to look like a battle field. Oh and the battery acid? Oh, I mean the menopur. It HURTS... even with icing the area for a while before hand. Given the results we got during the ultrasound, it is SO worth it!

The lining of my uterus looks nice and healthy, just where we want it. The follicles on average are measuring about 14mm now, we need them to get to 18 mm before harvesting. On average they will grow 1-2 mm a day, but with the ganirelix that might be slowed. For now, they are saying our retrieval may happen on Wednesday or Thursday. We will know more after Sunday's testing. Until then... our meds are not changing. We are doing ganirelix and menopur in the morning and 150 IU of follistim in the evening.

I've been more worried about our eggs than I'd like to admit, at least on a subconscious level. First I was afraid I would spontaneously ovulate prematurely before starting the ganirelix. Then last night I dreamed that the ganirelix didn't work and all of my follicles had ruptured and they weren't able to see any eggs when we had the ultrasound. Being afraid is just a natural part of this. Overall I feel pretty calm, at least right now. I'm confident in the direction we are going. I'm confident that the medication is working... I'm confident in the ability of our doctors. Because ultimately it is all in God's hands. If God wants us to be parents, we will be, whether it is by these or other means.

I've been thinking about my husband more and more with father's day rapidly approaching. I hope to be able to give him as many eggs as my body is willing to give up... but there is nothing I could ever do to show my full appreciation for him. He is still faithfully doing all of my injections. He drove me to work on Thursday because he was worried about me driving with the potential side effects of the new injections. I was glad he did. I don't think it would have been safe with the level of dizziness I had yesterday. I know it is hard on him, seeing me bruised and in pain... but he is staying strong for me... he finally opened up about his concerns through this... about me. About how I will react if this is a big fat failure. Honestly, that has been a concern of mine as well. But I will tell you as I told him... this is the truth that I know now that I did not know during our miscarriage. My husband is enough for me to be happy. I want to be a mother. I will always be a mother to our angel baby... but above that, I am a wife. And I cannot imagine a life outside of "me and him". Children will only add to that joy. BUT If it is only going to be us (and all our four legged babies) from here on out... YES I would be devastated and upset... but as long as I have my dear husband. I know I can survive it.

My husband is the one who pushed me in my faith. He is the reason I am the person I am now. He is my rock. He is the love of my life. He is my one and only. I'm doing all of this for us, for our family... for our future. We are going through this together. Hand in hand. Every day. We fight as one. We worship as one. We pray as one. From the day we said "I Do" we became one. For better or for worse. Through infertility and IVF or adoption or anything life throws at us... we walk it together. We fight it out, together. We have faith...we have HOPE together. That makes all things possible... because our hope is in our Lord. The One who brought us together. The One who made us. The One we put our vows before when we became one in his eyes. We stand together on our faith. We hold together through our love.

Stay tuned for more news on Sunday...

Welcome Back to the Crazy Train!!

This weekend was... well, let's just call it an adjustment. I will never forget the roller coaster of emotions from previous fertility drugs. Now that I am on injectables? Hello crazy train! Did you miss me?? I know hubby didn't! Let's put this thing into overdrive!!

Friday night wasn't too bad, I had my shot... wrote a little on here... was a little dizzy. That's about it. I took a bath and went to bed early, feeling okay. Then at 4AM I woke up in a giant puddle of sweat feeling like I was going to throw up at any second. Luckily I had some Phenergan in my night stand. I took one and went back to sleep.

Saturday morning, I woke up cranky... hungry... moody... you name it. I burst into tears when my husband asked what I wanted to eat. Who does that?!? Somebody aboard the crazy train, that's who. Then, when he asked what was wrong, and I replied "nnnooottthhhiiinnnggg" in between sobs. I started laughing. So did he. There was truly nothing I was upset about. I still couldn't stop crying. One banana milkshake later and I was okay again. I cleaned some, but only in spurts because I only have a little energy to spare before I get tired again.

We mostly stayed in this weekend, aside from Sunday. We did things around the house, rested a lot and watched quite a few movies. I don't recommend half of the movies we watched if you are in such an emotional state. Friday night we watched "Side Effects"... crazy movie which led me to have crazy dreams. Saturday night we watched "Seven Pounds"... also a crazy movie which led me to cry uncontrollably at the end. Fantastic.

I gave myself Saturday's shot as well as Fridays... then I was done. I did not want to stick myself anymore. I thought the anxiety of it would get better after I did it a few times... nope. Just as bad. As soon as I finished Saturday night I broke out into a cold sweat and started dry heaving. Fun times?!

Sunday I woke up actually feeling okay. I managed to shower and get ready for church on time, which is good news any week. We love our church family... it felt good to be there learning. I had stomach pains throughout church but nothing too terrible. We did end up having to leave early due to the nausea. Once that passed, hubs took me to lunch and then his softball game. It was sweltering. In the hour that I was sitting there I got a pretty good sunburn (I later noticed once we got home, the warning on our antibiotics that gives a warning about burning easily with sun exposure while taking it)... then I got overheated... and I felt AWFUL.

I feel like this is such a roller coaster. I go from feeling normal to having hot flashes to being cold to being sad to being happy to feeling sick to having NO appetite to feeling like myself again just in time to take my next injection. I cried in my Chinese food last night thinking about sticking myself again. Then hubby steps in... he never misses a beat when I'm upset. He expertly did my injection last night. I took a friend's advice and numbed the area with ice for a couple of minutes before the injection and it went much better. Mentally it was better because I did not have to have the anxiety of doing it myself. This is his job from here on out. He says he doesn't mind one bit. I'm so lucky to have him catering to my needs during this time. He is pouring out his love to me, and that is the only thing keeping me sane on this crazy train. This man is my greatest gift from God. Laying in bed with him last night watching "Wreck It Ralph" was definitely the highlight of my weekend.

This morning I had labs drawn before work. Things seem to be progressing properly. Other than spending the first 30 minutes of the workday with my head in the toilet... We will continue 200 IU of Follistim today and tomorrow. Wednesday I will have more blood work and an ultrasound before we get our next instructions.

For now... I feel like I need to walk around in a t-shirt that says "Please Ignore the Crazy Lady".... and I will keep telling myself just keep your eyes on the prize...

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Please excuse the rantings in this and the upcoming posts... it's a little hard to focus and keep my thoughts straight. :)

Pray about EVERYTHING

There is nothing too big or too small for God. He wants us to come to Him for everything. Big or small. Silly or serious. Give it ALL over to him.

Yesterday morning before work I had to go in *super early* for a baseline ultrasound. This ultrasound would look for my endometrium (the lining of the uterus) to be thin and to count the number of follicles on each ovary, also they would make sure there were no large cysts that would delay the start of our medicated cycle. ALSO before starting any medication I had to start my period, or at least have some spotting to mark the start of this new cycle. I was on birth control for 18 days to regulate my hormones, ideally my period would start 2-4 days after I stopped taking the pill. Two days passed... nothing. Three... nothing. Four (the day of our injection teaching) still nothing... I was stressed. It just figures that when you want to start... of course you don't.

So I woke up yesterday morning... still no period. I got ready for work... nothing. Then I started getting irritated. I said a prayer that probably left God shaking his head or laughing at me (I actually envision Him doing that a lot since I prefer to talk to him as a dear friend and finally got to a point where I spoke from my heart and not just the way people teach you to "properly" pray). There I was, in the bathroom saying "Come on, you've led me here and now are we going to be delayed... YOU are the one in charge of this... Let me start my period already!!" This went on for several minutes until finally I started laughing at how absurd I sounded. So I finished getting ready for work and my appointment and went to the bathroom again before I left. Low and behold, within the time of my "silly" prayer and the time I was ready to leave (maybe 5-10 minutes later)... I had started my period. I laughed as my silly husband sang "Oh happy day" to pick at how happy I was... and so it began.

When I arrived to my doctor's office I had discovered the normal girl who does the ultrasounds was on leave and someone that I completely adored working with in a previous job was there training to fill in a few days a week. We chatted for a second, I was so happy to see someone I trust there. But unfortunately someone else took me back to a different room to scan me. Let's just say... this type of ultrasound was not her strong suit. It was fine, her measurements were accurate. I watched the entire thing to ensure it was done properly. My endometrium was perfectly thin and I had a few follicles on each ovary. If everything goes as planned those follicles will mature and will soon be our babies.

After a crazy day of work, the nurse called with my instructions. Hubs and I are on 7 days of antibiotics, just to be sure neither of us have any bugs... I have prescription prenatal vitamins... and was told Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings to inject 200 IU of Follistim. Monday I will have blood work to determine further dosing and to add on our next injections, tentatively I will do the Follistim in the morning and Menopur in the evenings starting next week.

This part of the story just proves to myself even more... to come to God with EVERY aspect of this journey and not just the major things. He is truly in control... of EVERYTHING. Thank the Lord for that.

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FRIDAY

Today was my normal day off. I took advantage of that fact by going to have a luxurious long lunch at my favorite Italian restaurant with a dear friend of mine. The food and the company were excellent... we left there and went to a French bakery to get treats... I brought home a box full to have as my reward for my injections this weekend. I also got some treats for another dear friend and took them to her on my way home. I was surprised by a call from my hubby to tell me he was headed home (earlier than usual) and was taking me on a date. : )

We had a nice dinner... rare steak of course... my favorite... and then headed home to the dreaded needle that awaited me.

With my anxiety level ever rising by looking at it... I thought it was best just to dive in and get it over with! I was warned about certain injections burning, but was told this one shouldn't... I was told wrong. It BURNED... and maybe it was just because I was so worked up about it. If you are giving yourself injections, do yourself a favor and follow my friend's advice... PUSH THE MEDS IN SLOWLY. The slower I pushed the less it burned.

Personally I think I took it like a champ... at least for me and my fear of needles. :) This was about ten minutes ago... so far the only thing I feel is dizzy. Hence this short and sweet post, it's a little hard to focus right now.

I want to personally thank you all for your continued prayer through this... especially to my girlfriends who have to hear all the details and have to hear all the "freak-outs". I love you guys so much. I hope you know how much I appreciate you putting up with me through this.

Most of all, I want to thank my amazing dear husband. I could not do any of this without his constant love, support and encouragement. He continues to amaze me every single day.

(If your thinking that needle doesn't look like a standard syringe you are right! Follistim comes with this neat little injection pen that has a medication cartridge and a measurement gauge to ensure proper dosing.)

An Interesting Case

I had just started my first round of fertility medication. I was taking 25mg of clomid for five days. Right after I started the medication I would have my first test, a sonohysterogram (also can be called a sonohys, or a sonohystogram). The reason this test was ordered was that there was a defect in my uterus on a prior ultrasound that my new doctor wanted to see the degree of. I knew this defect was there only because my friend who had done my ultrasound at the previous office showed it to me. Those doctors never even mentioned it, much less that it could cause a problem with me conceiving in the future. But my new doctor was way more thorough... and cautious.

Initially the test was scheduled with the nurse practitioner at my new office who performed these tests quite a bit. When I arrived at the office, I was immediately taken to the secondary waiting room while the sonographer set up the room for my procedure. She took me back, I got undressed and she did a transvaginal ultrasound before the procedure began. I was only slightly nervous about this exam, I had learned about it in school, I knew how things would go... and everyone made me really comfortable there.

A few minutes later the nurse practitioner walked in and said "I'm sorry but I won't be doing your exam today," --oh that's weird, I thought-- she continued "Dr. Williams was able to be here today after all and she would prefer to do the test and see everything herself." I was caught off guard, but in a good way. Oh! Well, great!!

The doctor came in and explained the procedure to me. I wasn't prepared for what she said next. "We have a student studying to be a nurse practitioner here today and I was wondering if you would mind if she and our NP watched?" "No, that's fine, I was a student once too, I understand." So there I was.... in stirrups, spread eagle on this table when the two walked in. "Thank you so much for letting us watch Mrs. Jewell... it's just that you're such an interesting case, we don't get to see cases like this too often." Great... I remember being a student... getting excited about the "interesting" cases. NO ONE wants to be an interesting case however. An "interesting" case means you have something wrong with you that most people don't. I never realized until that moment just how uncomfortable it felt to be that "interesting" case. Especially on a gynecology table where they were face to face with my goodies... But it was what it was. I really didn't particularly mind being the subject their learning experience, however I wished I didn't have to go through any of it. Honestly, I just didn't want anything else to be wrong with me.

Based on previous ultrasounds, they thought I had a partially septated uterus. A septate uterus is a congenital malformation, where the endometrium is split to some degree, this can range from a mild septation to a complete septation. In some cases this causes no problems... but in others it can cause implantation issues, miscarriages, preterm labor, etc...

Initially I was told that this procedure might be a little uncomfortable. Whoever said that has never had this procedure done. It HURT. It was not your normal pap smear speculum. This thing felt like a 16th century torture device. Then the catheter was inserted through my cervix. "You might feel a little pinch"... yeah, I almost came off the table. Tears ran down my cheeks... I wasn't crying, it was just a reaction from the pain. She was so sweet about it though when I told her it hurt. She talked me down and I was OK. The speculum was out and the fluid was about to be inserted. She warned me that I could feel heavy cramping as my uterus filled with saline. Oh boy... I did. They let me watch the screen though, and that occupied my curious mind enough to finish the procedure. All in all, the procedure didn't take too long. When I was done, I was SO uncomfortable. She gave me some Advil and a sprite.... and I waited for a diagnosis. At that point, I wished I had taken Mike up on his offer to take me to this appointment. I was not prepared for how uncomfortable I would be... and I was not looking forward to the 30-45 minute drive home.

After she looked over everything, she brought me into her office to talk to me about a diagnosis. I actually had an arcuate uterus. This was good news. An arcuate uterus is an anomaly where there is only a mild indention in the endometrium, and not a septation.

More good news... I was told this type of mild defect is not commonly associated with reproductive issues, although she warned me that although it is not common, it could become a problem. If it was to be a problem in the future she said it could be surgically repaired. The risk in that instance is that scar tissue can form in its place and theoretically cause the same kind of problem that the arcuate uterus could possibly cause in the first place. So which is the lesser of two evils? We would move on as planned from here on out. I was praising God for this not being as bad as she initially thought. More good news? I had follicles forming within my ovaries on both sides... she said this was a good sign that they were being stimulated by the clomid.

I left very achy... very ready to be home and called Mike and told him (once again) "you were right... I should've let you drive me... that was awful!" But we were both happy for the good news. We were cautiously hopeful that this would not become a future problem. I was exhausted. I went home... took some pain meds, a bubble bath and waited for a new day.