Almost There!

I know... I know... I said I would post Sunday with our update... here's my excuse: We went from the doctor to breakfast, then to church which was an extended service for a meeting, then to lunch (because it was after 1:00), then to take Hubs to see Superman for Father's Day and finally... home. By the time we got home I was so uncomfortable and achy from sitting through all that, I just wanted to go to bed. That is precisely what I did as soon as I took my shot for that night. That night we went down to 125 IU per night on my follistim. I had about 20 good size follicles on Sunday. Since then... we have continued the menopur and ganirelix at the same dosage.

I am happy to report that today is my last day of shots! My poor bruised and tender stomach is grateful! I have responded beautifully to the regimen they had me on. This morning... I had more than 25 good looking follicles. A few of those are larger than the "ideal" size but they are all around the same... 1.8 cm is ideal, this is the size of the majority of my follicles with a few 1.9-2.0 cm ones... we pray they are ALL healthy.

Tonight I take my HCG trigger shot, Novarel, which will finalize the maturation process of my eggs. This shot is taken in the hip, intramuscularly at precisely 7:30 pm. I am actually looking forward to it because that mean I am DONE with injections!! Tomorrow, as soon as I get up, I will take a UPT (urine pregnancy test) which should be positive. If it is not, this is an issue and I will have to call my doctor immediately... I didn't ask what the next step would be then... because I honestly feel like we have made it this far, I have the faith for the next step! Tomorrow night before bed I am to take one valium and get a GOOD night's sleep!!

Thursday morning we will arrive at the surgery center at 6:30 am. My mom is selflessly giving us her time so she can take care of me afterwards and let hubs go to work. : ) We are beyond grateful for her being there for us!

The side effects haven't gotten too much worse on these meds. The headaches have been a bit more intense. Really, the worst part now is the achiness from my ovaries. They are so engorged at this point that they literally hurt whenever I move. It is close to impossible to find any sort of comfortable position to sit or lay in... I am SO ready for Thursday. I'm sure on that day I may be a bit nervous about being put to sleep... but right now I can't wait! We will know right after the procedure how many eggs they were able to retrieve from the existing follicles.

I was also given permission by my BFF to read all of the "retrieval" letters I received before bed tomorrow night. : ) Another thing to look forward to!

For anyone wondering what an egg retrieval consists of... read on.

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The retrieval process:

First and foremost... I will get an IV and I will be knocked out! And I'm thankful for that!

The procedure is done with a transvaginal ultrasound probe which is attached with a biopsy needle and catheter to "suck out" the follicles. The wall of the vagina is perforated on each side by the needle and the transvaginal imaging is used to guide the needle. Not every follicle will be accessible, but they will get as many as they can.

Next, under a microscope, the embryologist will evaluate the fluid and find the egg within. Then he will determine which eggs look healthy and mature enough to fertilize. This morning also, Hubs will give his "sample" which will be used to fertilize my eggs.

I was told to expect to be pretty sore after the procedure, along with some cramping... possible some light vaginal bleeding from the procedure. After the procedure I will be given antibiotics to avoid an infection and oral steroids to reduce any post surgical inflammation. I was also notified today that I will likely be given an estrogen supplement due to the lining of my uterus being thinner than they like to see for implantation. Please pray it thickens up before the big day!!

Faith, Progress and Love

Hello friends! More monitoring today... I went from 10 measurable follicles to about 15! That is egg-cellent news. ; ) Our target date has been delayed a tad... the follicles still aren't quite ready to go. We will have more monitoring Sunday morning. My estriadol went from 803 to 1540, a good jump. We knew once we started the ganirelix it would no longer double.

As far as side effects are going, I cannot differentiate the ganirelix from the menopur for a lot of things, such as dizziness, never ending thirst, fatigue and well... I just feel out of it to be honest with you. Today is my off day which I usually spend cleaning. But now? I clean for about 10 minutes then feel exhausted and out of breath and have to lay down for a bit before I can do much more. It's not awful... just kind of annoying because I lay here bored and when I try to do anything, I can't. But as with everything else I will do whatever it takes. As far as the injections themselves... the ganirelix does not hurt going in... it's only about 10-15 minutes later that the site turns really red, almost rash-like and burns. That only last a few hours before it turns into an area of bruising. My stomach is starting to look like a battle field. Oh and the battery acid? Oh, I mean the menopur. It HURTS... even with icing the area for a while before hand. Given the results we got during the ultrasound, it is SO worth it!

The lining of my uterus looks nice and healthy, just where we want it. The follicles on average are measuring about 14mm now, we need them to get to 18 mm before harvesting. On average they will grow 1-2 mm a day, but with the ganirelix that might be slowed. For now, they are saying our retrieval may happen on Wednesday or Thursday. We will know more after Sunday's testing. Until then... our meds are not changing. We are doing ganirelix and menopur in the morning and 150 IU of follistim in the evening.

I've been more worried about our eggs than I'd like to admit, at least on a subconscious level. First I was afraid I would spontaneously ovulate prematurely before starting the ganirelix. Then last night I dreamed that the ganirelix didn't work and all of my follicles had ruptured and they weren't able to see any eggs when we had the ultrasound. Being afraid is just a natural part of this. Overall I feel pretty calm, at least right now. I'm confident in the direction we are going. I'm confident that the medication is working... I'm confident in the ability of our doctors. Because ultimately it is all in God's hands. If God wants us to be parents, we will be, whether it is by these or other means.

I've been thinking about my husband more and more with father's day rapidly approaching. I hope to be able to give him as many eggs as my body is willing to give up... but there is nothing I could ever do to show my full appreciation for him. He is still faithfully doing all of my injections. He drove me to work on Thursday because he was worried about me driving with the potential side effects of the new injections. I was glad he did. I don't think it would have been safe with the level of dizziness I had yesterday. I know it is hard on him, seeing me bruised and in pain... but he is staying strong for me... he finally opened up about his concerns through this... about me. About how I will react if this is a big fat failure. Honestly, that has been a concern of mine as well. But I will tell you as I told him... this is the truth that I know now that I did not know during our miscarriage. My husband is enough for me to be happy. I want to be a mother. I will always be a mother to our angel baby... but above that, I am a wife. And I cannot imagine a life outside of "me and him". Children will only add to that joy. BUT If it is only going to be us (and all our four legged babies) from here on out... YES I would be devastated and upset... but as long as I have my dear husband. I know I can survive it.

My husband is the one who pushed me in my faith. He is the reason I am the person I am now. He is my rock. He is the love of my life. He is my one and only. I'm doing all of this for us, for our family... for our future. We are going through this together. Hand in hand. Every day. We fight as one. We worship as one. We pray as one. From the day we said "I Do" we became one. For better or for worse. Through infertility and IVF or adoption or anything life throws at us... we walk it together. We fight it out, together. We have faith...we have HOPE together. That makes all things possible... because our hope is in our Lord. The One who brought us together. The One who made us. The One we put our vows before when we became one in his eyes. We stand together on our faith. We hold together through our love.

Stay tuned for more news on Sunday...

Egglets are Growing!

Good afternoon friends! I had an ultrasound and lab work before work this morning. The ultrasound was to see if we had any follicles that were developing nicely that will hopefully contain our little eggies. I was elated to see that we had 10 that were developing to the proper size. 5 in each ovary. There were a few smaller ones on each side that we pray will catch up to the rest. We would like to get as many eggs as possible, because not all eggs retrieved will be viable and not all viable eggs will fertilize... and on that note, not all fertilized eggs will mature into embryos. We really REALLY pray to get enough to freeze. So far I'm having some discomfort in my pelvis, nothing too bad... I guess my ovaries just aren't used to having anything in them. ;) This number is still less than the "normal" person my age, but for us... it's excellent news.

The nurse called this afternoon with my lab work. They are checking my estradiol levels every other day. I was told that a good change would be a doubling in the value. Previously (Monday) it was 280... today it had jumped to 803. We were told this is great progress. This coming Friday I will have another run of blood work and another ultrasound.

Today I felt mostly like myself... that was a welcomed change from yesterday. Yesterday was awful. I felt nauseated... grumpy... exhausted... emotional... you name it. Hubs is still doing my injections. Thank God for that! He's great at it... my bruising isn't too bad so far. Tomorrow might be another story. Tomorrow we go from having 1 injection a day to having 3 a day. In the morning I will start Ganirelix and Menopur. The Ganirelix, which will control ovulation by suppressing my body's natural urge to ovulate, has a nice large neon yellow warning label on the front about headaches... perfect. I don't have enough of those already. I was hoping this medicine would be taken in the evening and I could sleep the headache off... instead it will be taken right before I leave for work, since I go in so early. Menopur will help the maturation process of our follicles. I was warned that this one will burn. Ice has become my very good friend. Tomorrow evening I will decrease my Follistim to 150 IU.

After all the bad news that we have received over the last two years... it was so good to see those follicles pop up today! Our little egglets... that soon may be our children.
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I'm a big fan of Sanctus Real. I saw them a while back at a concert (that was targeted towards youth, but my best friend and I went... and it was awesome). My current favorite song is called "The Redeemer", I feel that it speaks to me so much through this journey... Here's how it goes:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

I loved them so much live, that I even bought this t-shirt at the show... maybe I'll wear it to the retrieval... If I'm not too bloated to squeeze into it ;)

Keeping the faith through this journey has been so trying... but it's still there. I will admit that some days I have less than others, but I've never given up. I cannot and will not give up. Even if this cycle ends in disaster, I know that God has me in his hands... and that he has all our children, past and future, in his hands and heart... and when it is time, He will give them to us. Out of all of the bad feelings, the side effects... the emotional effects... I'm so thankful for what our journey continues to do for my marriage. I continue, more and more every day, to lean on my husband. Even in things like getting my injections from him... it has built up such a huge trust on a very different level than we have ever been on. I'm trying hard not to take out any of my hormonal emotions on him, but let's face it... you just can't control that! He continues to be so patient with me. Making jokes when I'm crying... singing and dancing in our kitchen just to make me laugh. It is awesome.

I have trust that God is taking our problems and turning them into something amazing... something beautiful... and it will be a joy beyond anything we can imagine. Like the song says... trusting Him one day at a time... sometimes that is the best we can do. But I WOULD rather speak honestly. Life isn't always pretty. God knows that. He knows it's hard down here! But He wants more for us. We cannot forget that. He is here. He is walking me through this every day. As long as I keep my focus on God, we can survive anything life throws at us... because He is our Great Protector.

Keeping the faith... one day at a time...

xo

Welcome Back to the Crazy Train!!

This weekend was... well, let's just call it an adjustment. I will never forget the roller coaster of emotions from previous fertility drugs. Now that I am on injectables? Hello crazy train! Did you miss me?? I know hubby didn't! Let's put this thing into overdrive!!

Friday night wasn't too bad, I had my shot... wrote a little on here... was a little dizzy. That's about it. I took a bath and went to bed early, feeling okay. Then at 4AM I woke up in a giant puddle of sweat feeling like I was going to throw up at any second. Luckily I had some Phenergan in my night stand. I took one and went back to sleep.

Saturday morning, I woke up cranky... hungry... moody... you name it. I burst into tears when my husband asked what I wanted to eat. Who does that?!? Somebody aboard the crazy train, that's who. Then, when he asked what was wrong, and I replied "nnnooottthhhiiinnnggg" in between sobs. I started laughing. So did he. There was truly nothing I was upset about. I still couldn't stop crying. One banana milkshake later and I was okay again. I cleaned some, but only in spurts because I only have a little energy to spare before I get tired again.

We mostly stayed in this weekend, aside from Sunday. We did things around the house, rested a lot and watched quite a few movies. I don't recommend half of the movies we watched if you are in such an emotional state. Friday night we watched "Side Effects"... crazy movie which led me to have crazy dreams. Saturday night we watched "Seven Pounds"... also a crazy movie which led me to cry uncontrollably at the end. Fantastic.

I gave myself Saturday's shot as well as Fridays... then I was done. I did not want to stick myself anymore. I thought the anxiety of it would get better after I did it a few times... nope. Just as bad. As soon as I finished Saturday night I broke out into a cold sweat and started dry heaving. Fun times?!

Sunday I woke up actually feeling okay. I managed to shower and get ready for church on time, which is good news any week. We love our church family... it felt good to be there learning. I had stomach pains throughout church but nothing too terrible. We did end up having to leave early due to the nausea. Once that passed, hubs took me to lunch and then his softball game. It was sweltering. In the hour that I was sitting there I got a pretty good sunburn (I later noticed once we got home, the warning on our antibiotics that gives a warning about burning easily with sun exposure while taking it)... then I got overheated... and I felt AWFUL.

I feel like this is such a roller coaster. I go from feeling normal to having hot flashes to being cold to being sad to being happy to feeling sick to having NO appetite to feeling like myself again just in time to take my next injection. I cried in my Chinese food last night thinking about sticking myself again. Then hubby steps in... he never misses a beat when I'm upset. He expertly did my injection last night. I took a friend's advice and numbed the area with ice for a couple of minutes before the injection and it went much better. Mentally it was better because I did not have to have the anxiety of doing it myself. This is his job from here on out. He says he doesn't mind one bit. I'm so lucky to have him catering to my needs during this time. He is pouring out his love to me, and that is the only thing keeping me sane on this crazy train. This man is my greatest gift from God. Laying in bed with him last night watching "Wreck It Ralph" was definitely the highlight of my weekend.

This morning I had labs drawn before work. Things seem to be progressing properly. Other than spending the first 30 minutes of the workday with my head in the toilet... We will continue 200 IU of Follistim today and tomorrow. Wednesday I will have more blood work and an ultrasound before we get our next instructions.

For now... I feel like I need to walk around in a t-shirt that says "Please Ignore the Crazy Lady".... and I will keep telling myself just keep your eyes on the prize...

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Please excuse the rantings in this and the upcoming posts... it's a little hard to focus and keep my thoughts straight. :)

Pray about EVERYTHING

There is nothing too big or too small for God. He wants us to come to Him for everything. Big or small. Silly or serious. Give it ALL over to him.

Yesterday morning before work I had to go in *super early* for a baseline ultrasound. This ultrasound would look for my endometrium (the lining of the uterus) to be thin and to count the number of follicles on each ovary, also they would make sure there were no large cysts that would delay the start of our medicated cycle. ALSO before starting any medication I had to start my period, or at least have some spotting to mark the start of this new cycle. I was on birth control for 18 days to regulate my hormones, ideally my period would start 2-4 days after I stopped taking the pill. Two days passed... nothing. Three... nothing. Four (the day of our injection teaching) still nothing... I was stressed. It just figures that when you want to start... of course you don't.

So I woke up yesterday morning... still no period. I got ready for work... nothing. Then I started getting irritated. I said a prayer that probably left God shaking his head or laughing at me (I actually envision Him doing that a lot since I prefer to talk to him as a dear friend and finally got to a point where I spoke from my heart and not just the way people teach you to "properly" pray). There I was, in the bathroom saying "Come on, you've led me here and now are we going to be delayed... YOU are the one in charge of this... Let me start my period already!!" This went on for several minutes until finally I started laughing at how absurd I sounded. So I finished getting ready for work and my appointment and went to the bathroom again before I left. Low and behold, within the time of my "silly" prayer and the time I was ready to leave (maybe 5-10 minutes later)... I had started my period. I laughed as my silly husband sang "Oh happy day" to pick at how happy I was... and so it began.

When I arrived to my doctor's office I had discovered the normal girl who does the ultrasounds was on leave and someone that I completely adored working with in a previous job was there training to fill in a few days a week. We chatted for a second, I was so happy to see someone I trust there. But unfortunately someone else took me back to a different room to scan me. Let's just say... this type of ultrasound was not her strong suit. It was fine, her measurements were accurate. I watched the entire thing to ensure it was done properly. My endometrium was perfectly thin and I had a few follicles on each ovary. If everything goes as planned those follicles will mature and will soon be our babies.

After a crazy day of work, the nurse called with my instructions. Hubs and I are on 7 days of antibiotics, just to be sure neither of us have any bugs... I have prescription prenatal vitamins... and was told Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings to inject 200 IU of Follistim. Monday I will have blood work to determine further dosing and to add on our next injections, tentatively I will do the Follistim in the morning and Menopur in the evenings starting next week.

This part of the story just proves to myself even more... to come to God with EVERY aspect of this journey and not just the major things. He is truly in control... of EVERYTHING. Thank the Lord for that.

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FRIDAY

Today was my normal day off. I took advantage of that fact by going to have a luxurious long lunch at my favorite Italian restaurant with a dear friend of mine. The food and the company were excellent... we left there and went to a French bakery to get treats... I brought home a box full to have as my reward for my injections this weekend. I also got some treats for another dear friend and took them to her on my way home. I was surprised by a call from my hubby to tell me he was headed home (earlier than usual) and was taking me on a date. : )

We had a nice dinner... rare steak of course... my favorite... and then headed home to the dreaded needle that awaited me.

With my anxiety level ever rising by looking at it... I thought it was best just to dive in and get it over with! I was warned about certain injections burning, but was told this one shouldn't... I was told wrong. It BURNED... and maybe it was just because I was so worked up about it. If you are giving yourself injections, do yourself a favor and follow my friend's advice... PUSH THE MEDS IN SLOWLY. The slower I pushed the less it burned.

Personally I think I took it like a champ... at least for me and my fear of needles. :) This was about ten minutes ago... so far the only thing I feel is dizzy. Hence this short and sweet post, it's a little hard to focus right now.

I want to personally thank you all for your continued prayer through this... especially to my girlfriends who have to hear all the details and have to hear all the "freak-outs". I love you guys so much. I hope you know how much I appreciate you putting up with me through this.

Most of all, I want to thank my amazing dear husband. I could not do any of this without his constant love, support and encouragement. He continues to amaze me every single day.

(If your thinking that needle doesn't look like a standard syringe you are right! Follistim comes with this neat little injection pen that has a medication cartridge and a measurement gauge to ensure proper dosing.)

Finding Control in an Uncontrollable Situation

One of the hardest things in our situation... especially with the nature of my personality... is being completely unable to control anything that is happening in my body. As a woman, you always think that you will have a family as soon as you decide it is time. Well, apparently life does not work that way. It's a hard thing to wrap your mind around... not functioning the way a woman's body should, being that out of control is a HARD thing for me. I needed something to keep my sanity... and I found a few tricks along the way.

1. PRAY. A LOT. Finally admitting to God (as if it was any surprise to him) and to myself that I had absolutely no control in this situation. I had to say it out loud in order to fully grasp it. "God, I know only you are in control of all of this. I know that whatever may happen is only Your plan in accordance with Your will... and God? This is so hard. You know our heart's desire, we pray that our desires go along with whatever You have planned for us. PLEASE give me peace, patience and understanding as we go along this journey, whatever the outcome may be." PRAY MORE. Repeat it until you believe it whole heartedly... the more you say it, the more comfortable you become with being out of control... but having faith gives you back a sense of control. Because, you can turn to God any moment of any day... and He is there waiting. Say it again... even if you think He is tired of hearing it... it says in His word, pray without ceasing... It works!

2. Find a hobby completely unrelated to your body. Mine was baking and cooking. Baking became my therapy after our miscarriage. I found joy and fulfillment in making things that were beautiful, but more importantly, delicious! My kitchen is my second favorite room in our house. I have about 5 different cooking magazine subscriptions... and making delicious things for my husband and friends makes me feel like a better wife. I know, hello 1950's but it really does!! Thanks to pinterest I always have something I can try... For a while I even made our own juices, jerky and stocks... it was fun! Haven't had too much time for this lately, but at least I have developed lots of skills to provide nutritional meals for our family. Plus you have the added bonus of being able to control what you put into your body... I am happy to report that I am now caffeine free... and have been eating more "fertility foods." (On a funny note, if you research foods that are good for fertility, you will find most fruits are uterine and ovarian shaped... maybe a little hint from God about the benefits of his creations?? Avocado anyone?)

3. RELAX. My FAVORITE room in our house is my bathroom. I take a relaxing bath every night. It's my treat to myself that I look forward to every day. I have several different types of bubble bath and a pile of books next to my Jacuzzi tub. I think it is very important to take time for yourself to "reset" especially if you are struggling with something hard. The doggies even look in the bathtub for me if they can't find me in the house. :)

4. Laugh. Every day. Having three dogs in our house is chaotic, but in a fantastic way. Any time I am upset or angry or crying... I can fall into a puppy pile and receive as many kisses as I can stand... INSTANT THERAPY!

5. Let your husband know how much you value him. This roller coaster of hormones can do a number on us... but guess what? It does a number on your husband too. He is the one who has to put up with whoever comes home that day, whether it is Jekyll or Hyde. Let him know how much you appreciate that... and as a bonus... acknowledging this takes some of the burden off of you and makes you feel closer in your marriage. That is always a welcome bonus. He is in this too. Even though he isn't the one doing all the tests and meds and injections... this is his burden as well. You can't control the path you've been led down but you can control how you treat each other along the way.

6. Clean your house! Yeah, yeah... I know hello 1950's again... but as much frustration I deal with when it comes to my body... I CAN control my surroundings. When I feel upset or anxious... I clean. I have always done this, even before I got married. For some reason cleaning gets all my frustrations out. Now my house is not immaculate, but it is rather clean 90% of the time. Don't worry, I don't judge people who don't have as much time and energy to clean their home as much as I do. I never judge when I walk into some one's dirty house. When I go over to a friends house and everything is covered in crayons and random puzzle pieces and barbies... all I see is a happy fulfilled loving home. I hope to one day be one of those moms with toys everywhere from my little rascals destroying the place... but for now, I don't so I feel anxious if my surroundings look pretty. Sounds silly right? But it works!

7. Get lost! I love to read. I'm what you would call an avid reader, at least a book a week or more... lately it has been pre-apocalyptic Christian fiction... sometimes it's mysteries... sometimes it's thrillers (hello Hunger Games)... sometimes it is stories of experiences of Heaven... sometimes it's simple fully chick-lit. ALWAYS it is a story I get lost in... I can "forget" what is happening around me and lose myself in someone else's world... and I always feel good when my nose is in a book. It's so calming to forget about your own troubles for a while and follow someone else's story.

8. Most importantly... and I know I've said it before... In an uncontrollable situation, the most important thing is to have someone to talk to who has been there!! Knowing that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling at the time is essential. I can't stress that enough. My husband is amazing, but sometimes I need to hear from another woman that they feel or have felt this way too.

I know these tricks won't work for everyone... every person is different. But find something to keep the peace in your head :)

Now... I'm going to go do some laundry and process everything that is going to happen this week.

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In similar news... we had our injection teaching today. We met with the nurse who explained how to do my injections and all of the medication... and before we left we had to practice using the needles. YIKES!! I have been dreading this for weeks. I am terrified of needles. It isn't the pain I am afraid of, it is the actual needle. Something about jabbing a sharp metal object into my own stomach freaks me out!!

So, I went in shaking, palms sweating... making notes as she explained all the aspects of our meds and how things will go from here. Then it was time. She asked if I was ready... uhm, no but okay. I took my friend's advice and made sure to pinch my stomach really hard, luckily the needle was small. I figured the longer I hesitated the worse it would be, so I just manned up and stuck it in! Like a champ!! It may sound silly but I was so proud of myself for that moment!!

Then it was Mike's turn, the shot he had to practice on me with was intramuscular. That means it's a long needle that has to go straight into the muscle of my hip. I felt really sick to my stomach as I slid my pants down for the nurse to demonstrate... He has been saying for WEEKS that he wanted to be the one to give my injections. Just the thought of the TERRIFIED ME!!!! I could just picture him jumping out from around the corner and jabbing me cause he knows how much I hate needles. So I took a deep breath and turned around really fast saying I needed just a second... another deep breath and he stuck... and he was AWESOME! His intramuscular stick hurt less than my subcutaneous stick!! So maybe he will be giving my injections throughout this after all. I am so proud of him... and of me. :)

That satisfaction gave us a little bit more feeling of control, even though we know ultimately it is ALL in God's hands!

Control is strictly a human desire, it's stuck in our minds and we can't help it! But now, it's time to let go... and let God do his work.

Now we are ready to begin! I have a baseline ultrasound Thursday to check the lining of my uterus and my follicles, and if all looks well I start injections Friday or Saturday! Yay! He says we have a greater chance of success because I am young... so let the prayers fly!!

Let's get this party started!

We would be eternally grateful for any prayer you are willing to send our way! From here on out we will be updating regularly on our journey. We love you all!

Choosing Hope

Lately, there has been a battle raging... in my head. The closer the dates get to the beginning of our injections and subsequent retrieval and implantation... the worse the thoughts get... the "what ifs". You know what I mean, "what if this doesn't work?" "what if something goes wrong?" "what if the medicine doesn't work like it is supposed to?" "what if they can't get enough eggs?" "what if I get pregnant and miscarry again?" "what if What If WHAT IF?!" It's like an annoying alarm clock that you cannot turn off. The more I try not to focus on these things... the more they randomly pop into my head. My anxiety is growing. I was starting to panic a little. I was starting to get scared. I needed a sign... something to tell me this was right (even though I know in my heart that it is). I'm a big fan of signs. They're like little clues from God that tell us what we should do and when we are on the right paths. Now, I will admit that I have "made" things into signs that were NOT signs just to justify something that I wanted to be right. I like to think that I know better at this point in my life.

My quiet time with God is usually in my car on my way to and from work. I can think clearly when I'm driving, sometimes I even talk out loud to Him... I'm the only one in the car, I don't care if people see me and think I'm nuts. So Thursday morning, I poured my heart out. We had ordered the medicine, paid for it... and I was freaking out. I asked for a sign. It was a partially cloudy, not raining... and suddenly I looked up and saw the most beautiful rainbow. It was like God was saying "Hey! I'm right here with you! I've got this! It's going to be okay! Just trust me!" After that I felt better... at least for a few hours.  

My medicine came in the mail on Friday... lets just say that seeing the quantity of it in front of me was overwhelming.

The questions began again... I have a fear of needles. It is not the pain, it's the actual needle. Watching it go in the skin, actually just thinking about it going in the skin makes my stomach curl up into knots. I have until Tuesday to get over that fear. I'm just going to go on and assume that's not going to happen until I man up with the needle in my hand and stick that sucker in my belly. Ugh.

The thing I have been sorely lacking this last week or two with all of these questions is a lack of hope. I'm so terrified of an unhappy ending that I can't even begin to think about a happy one. This could work... this might work. I need to be thinking that this is going to work. When you automatically think the worst, that is a hard think to wrap your mind around. We have been fighting this for so long, can the end really be in sight? Maybe. Maybe not. I cannot control the outcome of this situation. That is only in God's hands. But hope? That is something I can control.

Hope doesn't just fall out of the sky like rain. Hope doesn't just miraculously appear out of nowhere. You can't buy it at the store or order it online. Hope is there for the taking. You just have to choose to hope. Hope is ours, given by God, to get us through this life. There are countless verses in the Bible to teach us about hope. Here are a few that I find particularly helpful:

Romans 5: 2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Hebrews 11:1 (paraphrased) Faith is being sure of what you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In the book of Romans, He is even called the God of Hope. It is one of his many gifts to us. He wants hope for us... He wants us to have faith in Him... He wants to give us hope. The catch is, just like we must choose to follow Him... we must also choose other things in  our lives... hope, joy... faith. I chose to have faith in the journey and this is the path I have been lead down. Now, I choose to have hope. I have a friend with a blog called "choosing joy". I have always loved that... but now I get it. I choose to be hopeful. I choose hope over fear. I choose joy over despair. I choose faith over blame and guilt. I choose a life guided by my Lord.

Now, every time one of those thoughts pops into my head... I simply say... "My hope is in You Lord." Then, I feel better. I feel calmer. I know this is right.

Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. If you need a sign, say it. If you need hope, choose it. If you want to be happy, decide to be... and then things will fall into place (with God's help of course).

Matthew 7: 7-8 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."

There will always be fear in the back of your mind. It is part of being flawed as a human, it is in our nature to fear the unknown, but we don't have to be afraid. We must remember who is in control... who has this all planned out and already knows the ending... it is already written out. I know we will be parents one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. Right now, I have to give it all over to God. I have to have hope. I have to keep the faith. I could go insane thinking about all the possibilities of bad outcomes... now, it is time to focus on the good.

Choose hope. Choose joy. Choose love. Choose faith! Rejoice! That's what God wants for all of us.