Egglets are Growing!

Good afternoon friends! I had an ultrasound and lab work before work this morning. The ultrasound was to see if we had any follicles that were developing nicely that will hopefully contain our little eggies. I was elated to see that we had 10 that were developing to the proper size. 5 in each ovary. There were a few smaller ones on each side that we pray will catch up to the rest. We would like to get as many eggs as possible, because not all eggs retrieved will be viable and not all viable eggs will fertilize... and on that note, not all fertilized eggs will mature into embryos. We really REALLY pray to get enough to freeze. So far I'm having some discomfort in my pelvis, nothing too bad... I guess my ovaries just aren't used to having anything in them. ;) This number is still less than the "normal" person my age, but for us... it's excellent news.

The nurse called this afternoon with my lab work. They are checking my estradiol levels every other day. I was told that a good change would be a doubling in the value. Previously (Monday) it was 280... today it had jumped to 803. We were told this is great progress. This coming Friday I will have another run of blood work and another ultrasound.

Today I felt mostly like myself... that was a welcomed change from yesterday. Yesterday was awful. I felt nauseated... grumpy... exhausted... emotional... you name it. Hubs is still doing my injections. Thank God for that! He's great at it... my bruising isn't too bad so far. Tomorrow might be another story. Tomorrow we go from having 1 injection a day to having 3 a day. In the morning I will start Ganirelix and Menopur. The Ganirelix, which will control ovulation by suppressing my body's natural urge to ovulate, has a nice large neon yellow warning label on the front about headaches... perfect. I don't have enough of those already. I was hoping this medicine would be taken in the evening and I could sleep the headache off... instead it will be taken right before I leave for work, since I go in so early. Menopur will help the maturation process of our follicles. I was warned that this one will burn. Ice has become my very good friend. Tomorrow evening I will decrease my Follistim to 150 IU.

After all the bad news that we have received over the last two years... it was so good to see those follicles pop up today! Our little egglets... that soon may be our children.
____________________________________________________________

I'm a big fan of Sanctus Real. I saw them a while back at a concert (that was targeted towards youth, but my best friend and I went... and it was awesome). My current favorite song is called "The Redeemer", I feel that it speaks to me so much through this journey... Here's how it goes:

Sometimes I just want to start over, 'cause everything looks like a wreck
And I need the courage to carry on, 'cause I can't see what's ahead
And there are places I've wished I could be, battles I've wanted to win
Dreams that have slipped through my hands
I may never get back again

But I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You can make anything new

Sometimes I just wish we could say all the things that are easy to hear
Ignore the injustice we see and explain every unanswered prayer
But I'd rather speak honestly and wear a tattered heart on my sleeve
'Cause in the middle of my broken dreams, redemption is here

And I'm still a dreamer, a believer
Oh, I've lost my faith in so many things, but I still believe in You
'Cause You are the answer, the redeemer
Oh, I've given up on too many things, but I'm not giving up on You
'Cause You can make anything new

I don't have every answer in life
But I'm trusting You one day at a time
'Cause You can make a weak heart stay alive forever
this is where Heaven and Earth collide
I lift my hands and give my life
This is how my weary heart stays alive

Oh, I'm still a dreamer (This is where heaven and earth collide)
(I lift my hands and give my life)
Still a believer (This is how my weary heart stays alive)
Oh, You are the answer (Oh, this is where Heaven and Earth collide)
(I lift my voice and give my life)
The redeemer (This is how my weary heart stays alive, oh)

'Cause You can make anything new
Yeah, You can make anything new

I loved them so much live, that I even bought this t-shirt at the show... maybe I'll wear it to the retrieval... If I'm not too bloated to squeeze into it ;)

Keeping the faith through this journey has been so trying... but it's still there. I will admit that some days I have less than others, but I've never given up. I cannot and will not give up. Even if this cycle ends in disaster, I know that God has me in his hands... and that he has all our children, past and future, in his hands and heart... and when it is time, He will give them to us. Out of all of the bad feelings, the side effects... the emotional effects... I'm so thankful for what our journey continues to do for my marriage. I continue, more and more every day, to lean on my husband. Even in things like getting my injections from him... it has built up such a huge trust on a very different level than we have ever been on. I'm trying hard not to take out any of my hormonal emotions on him, but let's face it... you just can't control that! He continues to be so patient with me. Making jokes when I'm crying... singing and dancing in our kitchen just to make me laugh. It is awesome.

I have trust that God is taking our problems and turning them into something amazing... something beautiful... and it will be a joy beyond anything we can imagine. Like the song says... trusting Him one day at a time... sometimes that is the best we can do. But I WOULD rather speak honestly. Life isn't always pretty. God knows that. He knows it's hard down here! But He wants more for us. We cannot forget that. He is here. He is walking me through this every day. As long as I keep my focus on God, we can survive anything life throws at us... because He is our Great Protector.

Keeping the faith... one day at a time...

xo

Mystery Diagnosis: Infertility Edition

There are two types of shows on television that I could watch all day and never tire of... cooking competition shows and medical mystery shows. No secret I'm a Grey's Anatomy fan... medical mystery and drama? Who wouldn't love that? Now on a different show... you get the same drama and medical intrigue (minus the relationship drama) in a real life setting. Mystery Diagnosis. It always features a "victim" who has some medical dilemma. In their process they are diagnosed and treated over and over again until randomly some doctor finally finds the root of the problem and FINALLY they get the treatment they needed from the very beginning... finally they get relief. 

Mystery diagnosis... Infertility edition.

You've read the story so far... first it's this... then it's that... then it's all signs point to this so let's treat it!! But has the treatment worked? Well since we have yet to conceive... you can figure that. 

So after several different tests... more lab work than I could ever dream and even more diagnostic imaging. We have a diagnosis.

Is it a progesterone deficiency? Nope. Is it anovulation? Not quite. Is it mental instability? At this point, yeah probably some of that going on. Lol. 

Ladies and gentlemen... our diagnosis? Poor ovarian reserve. 

Not super common for someone my age. Normally when you do an antral follicle count (an ultrasound where they literally count the number of follicles you have in each ovary on day 3 of your cycle) in someone my age, you would see 15-20 follicles... in each ovary. I had 5 on the left and 7 on the right. I have the ovaries of someone much older than myself. This "low reserve" was further confirmed with a lab test. I have low AMH (anti-mullerian hormone). This hormone is produced by the microscopic follicles in your ovaries, and therefore reflect the size of your remaining egg supply. Normally this decline doesn't occur until age 35 or so in a normal female. 

So why haven't we ever heard anything even mentioned about this being a possibility until now? Well. Normal gynecologists (even if they are "treating" you for infertility do not do this testing). They tested my progesterone on day 21 of every cycle. Always low. I couldn't get pregnant... so for everything they were doing... all signs pointed to "progesterone deficiency and anovulation". But that was never the problem at all.

After watching my cycle very closely. I am ovulating. This is occurring early on in my cycle, which makes my luteal phase (the phase after ovulation) normal length. No luteal phase defect. So why, if I'm ovulating couldn't I get pregnant? Even though I am releasing an egg every month, the egg is releasing early. This egg doesn't have the normal time to mature... so it is not viable for pregnancy... can't be fertilized or something along those lines. 

I wish there was some magic pill to pump up this number. Women are born with all of the eggs they will ever have in their lifetime. So... the longer we've tried getting pregnant... the longer we wait... the less eggs we will have. And in my case, sooner rather than later there won't be any good ones left. Our doctor is somewhat concerned about the quality of eggs we will be able to attain, but that cannot be determined until our eggs are harvested and he can actually look at them. One step at a time...

So what's next, you ask?

IVF!! We get to start immediately (finally some good news)! Well as soon as I start my next cycle, that is. The sooner we start... the better, as far as my eggs are concerned. 

I know it has taken a while for me to post this. Honestly I just had to have time to deal with it all. This was not fun news to hear. I mean what 28 year old wants to be told this?! No woman ever wants to hear this, but especially no woman who should be in her "fertile" years. 

First I was excited to have a plan. Then I was depressed when I processed all this new news. Then I was irritated of all of the "missed" diagnoses... then I came to terms with it. I have spent many hours in prayer... except this time it wasn't so much asking "why?" as usual... it was more asking for strength and wisdom to deal with this... as well as for direction.

I truly believe that if we were not supposed to do in vitro, everything would not have been provided to us as it has. I feel like I am in good hands. (Divinely and medically). We have lots of support. (Thank you all for that). 

Now all we can do is keep the faith... and pray. Pray without ceasing.