Pray about EVERYTHING

There is nothing too big or too small for God. He wants us to come to Him for everything. Big or small. Silly or serious. Give it ALL over to him.

Yesterday morning before work I had to go in *super early* for a baseline ultrasound. This ultrasound would look for my endometrium (the lining of the uterus) to be thin and to count the number of follicles on each ovary, also they would make sure there were no large cysts that would delay the start of our medicated cycle. ALSO before starting any medication I had to start my period, or at least have some spotting to mark the start of this new cycle. I was on birth control for 18 days to regulate my hormones, ideally my period would start 2-4 days after I stopped taking the pill. Two days passed... nothing. Three... nothing. Four (the day of our injection teaching) still nothing... I was stressed. It just figures that when you want to start... of course you don't.

So I woke up yesterday morning... still no period. I got ready for work... nothing. Then I started getting irritated. I said a prayer that probably left God shaking his head or laughing at me (I actually envision Him doing that a lot since I prefer to talk to him as a dear friend and finally got to a point where I spoke from my heart and not just the way people teach you to "properly" pray). There I was, in the bathroom saying "Come on, you've led me here and now are we going to be delayed... YOU are the one in charge of this... Let me start my period already!!" This went on for several minutes until finally I started laughing at how absurd I sounded. So I finished getting ready for work and my appointment and went to the bathroom again before I left. Low and behold, within the time of my "silly" prayer and the time I was ready to leave (maybe 5-10 minutes later)... I had started my period. I laughed as my silly husband sang "Oh happy day" to pick at how happy I was... and so it began.

When I arrived to my doctor's office I had discovered the normal girl who does the ultrasounds was on leave and someone that I completely adored working with in a previous job was there training to fill in a few days a week. We chatted for a second, I was so happy to see someone I trust there. But unfortunately someone else took me back to a different room to scan me. Let's just say... this type of ultrasound was not her strong suit. It was fine, her measurements were accurate. I watched the entire thing to ensure it was done properly. My endometrium was perfectly thin and I had a few follicles on each ovary. If everything goes as planned those follicles will mature and will soon be our babies.

After a crazy day of work, the nurse called with my instructions. Hubs and I are on 7 days of antibiotics, just to be sure neither of us have any bugs... I have prescription prenatal vitamins... and was told Friday, Saturday and Sunday evenings to inject 200 IU of Follistim. Monday I will have blood work to determine further dosing and to add on our next injections, tentatively I will do the Follistim in the morning and Menopur in the evenings starting next week.

This part of the story just proves to myself even more... to come to God with EVERY aspect of this journey and not just the major things. He is truly in control... of EVERYTHING. Thank the Lord for that.

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FRIDAY

Today was my normal day off. I took advantage of that fact by going to have a luxurious long lunch at my favorite Italian restaurant with a dear friend of mine. The food and the company were excellent... we left there and went to a French bakery to get treats... I brought home a box full to have as my reward for my injections this weekend. I also got some treats for another dear friend and took them to her on my way home. I was surprised by a call from my hubby to tell me he was headed home (earlier than usual) and was taking me on a date. : )

We had a nice dinner... rare steak of course... my favorite... and then headed home to the dreaded needle that awaited me.

With my anxiety level ever rising by looking at it... I thought it was best just to dive in and get it over with! I was warned about certain injections burning, but was told this one shouldn't... I was told wrong. It BURNED... and maybe it was just because I was so worked up about it. If you are giving yourself injections, do yourself a favor and follow my friend's advice... PUSH THE MEDS IN SLOWLY. The slower I pushed the less it burned.

Personally I think I took it like a champ... at least for me and my fear of needles. :) This was about ten minutes ago... so far the only thing I feel is dizzy. Hence this short and sweet post, it's a little hard to focus right now.

I want to personally thank you all for your continued prayer through this... especially to my girlfriends who have to hear all the details and have to hear all the "freak-outs". I love you guys so much. I hope you know how much I appreciate you putting up with me through this.

Most of all, I want to thank my amazing dear husband. I could not do any of this without his constant love, support and encouragement. He continues to amaze me every single day.

(If your thinking that needle doesn't look like a standard syringe you are right! Follistim comes with this neat little injection pen that has a medication cartridge and a measurement gauge to ensure proper dosing.)

Finding Control in an Uncontrollable Situation

One of the hardest things in our situation... especially with the nature of my personality... is being completely unable to control anything that is happening in my body. As a woman, you always think that you will have a family as soon as you decide it is time. Well, apparently life does not work that way. It's a hard thing to wrap your mind around... not functioning the way a woman's body should, being that out of control is a HARD thing for me. I needed something to keep my sanity... and I found a few tricks along the way.

1. PRAY. A LOT. Finally admitting to God (as if it was any surprise to him) and to myself that I had absolutely no control in this situation. I had to say it out loud in order to fully grasp it. "God, I know only you are in control of all of this. I know that whatever may happen is only Your plan in accordance with Your will... and God? This is so hard. You know our heart's desire, we pray that our desires go along with whatever You have planned for us. PLEASE give me peace, patience and understanding as we go along this journey, whatever the outcome may be." PRAY MORE. Repeat it until you believe it whole heartedly... the more you say it, the more comfortable you become with being out of control... but having faith gives you back a sense of control. Because, you can turn to God any moment of any day... and He is there waiting. Say it again... even if you think He is tired of hearing it... it says in His word, pray without ceasing... It works!

2. Find a hobby completely unrelated to your body. Mine was baking and cooking. Baking became my therapy after our miscarriage. I found joy and fulfillment in making things that were beautiful, but more importantly, delicious! My kitchen is my second favorite room in our house. I have about 5 different cooking magazine subscriptions... and making delicious things for my husband and friends makes me feel like a better wife. I know, hello 1950's but it really does!! Thanks to pinterest I always have something I can try... For a while I even made our own juices, jerky and stocks... it was fun! Haven't had too much time for this lately, but at least I have developed lots of skills to provide nutritional meals for our family. Plus you have the added bonus of being able to control what you put into your body... I am happy to report that I am now caffeine free... and have been eating more "fertility foods." (On a funny note, if you research foods that are good for fertility, you will find most fruits are uterine and ovarian shaped... maybe a little hint from God about the benefits of his creations?? Avocado anyone?)

3. RELAX. My FAVORITE room in our house is my bathroom. I take a relaxing bath every night. It's my treat to myself that I look forward to every day. I have several different types of bubble bath and a pile of books next to my Jacuzzi tub. I think it is very important to take time for yourself to "reset" especially if you are struggling with something hard. The doggies even look in the bathtub for me if they can't find me in the house. :)

4. Laugh. Every day. Having three dogs in our house is chaotic, but in a fantastic way. Any time I am upset or angry or crying... I can fall into a puppy pile and receive as many kisses as I can stand... INSTANT THERAPY!

5. Let your husband know how much you value him. This roller coaster of hormones can do a number on us... but guess what? It does a number on your husband too. He is the one who has to put up with whoever comes home that day, whether it is Jekyll or Hyde. Let him know how much you appreciate that... and as a bonus... acknowledging this takes some of the burden off of you and makes you feel closer in your marriage. That is always a welcome bonus. He is in this too. Even though he isn't the one doing all the tests and meds and injections... this is his burden as well. You can't control the path you've been led down but you can control how you treat each other along the way.

6. Clean your house! Yeah, yeah... I know hello 1950's again... but as much frustration I deal with when it comes to my body... I CAN control my surroundings. When I feel upset or anxious... I clean. I have always done this, even before I got married. For some reason cleaning gets all my frustrations out. Now my house is not immaculate, but it is rather clean 90% of the time. Don't worry, I don't judge people who don't have as much time and energy to clean their home as much as I do. I never judge when I walk into some one's dirty house. When I go over to a friends house and everything is covered in crayons and random puzzle pieces and barbies... all I see is a happy fulfilled loving home. I hope to one day be one of those moms with toys everywhere from my little rascals destroying the place... but for now, I don't so I feel anxious if my surroundings look pretty. Sounds silly right? But it works!

7. Get lost! I love to read. I'm what you would call an avid reader, at least a book a week or more... lately it has been pre-apocalyptic Christian fiction... sometimes it's mysteries... sometimes it's thrillers (hello Hunger Games)... sometimes it is stories of experiences of Heaven... sometimes it's simple fully chick-lit. ALWAYS it is a story I get lost in... I can "forget" what is happening around me and lose myself in someone else's world... and I always feel good when my nose is in a book. It's so calming to forget about your own troubles for a while and follow someone else's story.

8. Most importantly... and I know I've said it before... In an uncontrollable situation, the most important thing is to have someone to talk to who has been there!! Knowing that you are not alone in whatever you are feeling at the time is essential. I can't stress that enough. My husband is amazing, but sometimes I need to hear from another woman that they feel or have felt this way too.

I know these tricks won't work for everyone... every person is different. But find something to keep the peace in your head :)

Now... I'm going to go do some laundry and process everything that is going to happen this week.

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In similar news... we had our injection teaching today. We met with the nurse who explained how to do my injections and all of the medication... and before we left we had to practice using the needles. YIKES!! I have been dreading this for weeks. I am terrified of needles. It isn't the pain I am afraid of, it is the actual needle. Something about jabbing a sharp metal object into my own stomach freaks me out!!

So, I went in shaking, palms sweating... making notes as she explained all the aspects of our meds and how things will go from here. Then it was time. She asked if I was ready... uhm, no but okay. I took my friend's advice and made sure to pinch my stomach really hard, luckily the needle was small. I figured the longer I hesitated the worse it would be, so I just manned up and stuck it in! Like a champ!! It may sound silly but I was so proud of myself for that moment!!

Then it was Mike's turn, the shot he had to practice on me with was intramuscular. That means it's a long needle that has to go straight into the muscle of my hip. I felt really sick to my stomach as I slid my pants down for the nurse to demonstrate... He has been saying for WEEKS that he wanted to be the one to give my injections. Just the thought of the TERRIFIED ME!!!! I could just picture him jumping out from around the corner and jabbing me cause he knows how much I hate needles. So I took a deep breath and turned around really fast saying I needed just a second... another deep breath and he stuck... and he was AWESOME! His intramuscular stick hurt less than my subcutaneous stick!! So maybe he will be giving my injections throughout this after all. I am so proud of him... and of me. :)

That satisfaction gave us a little bit more feeling of control, even though we know ultimately it is ALL in God's hands!

Control is strictly a human desire, it's stuck in our minds and we can't help it! But now, it's time to let go... and let God do his work.

Now we are ready to begin! I have a baseline ultrasound Thursday to check the lining of my uterus and my follicles, and if all looks well I start injections Friday or Saturday! Yay! He says we have a greater chance of success because I am young... so let the prayers fly!!

Let's get this party started!

We would be eternally grateful for any prayer you are willing to send our way! From here on out we will be updating regularly on our journey. We love you all!

Choosing Hope

Lately, there has been a battle raging... in my head. The closer the dates get to the beginning of our injections and subsequent retrieval and implantation... the worse the thoughts get... the "what ifs". You know what I mean, "what if this doesn't work?" "what if something goes wrong?" "what if the medicine doesn't work like it is supposed to?" "what if they can't get enough eggs?" "what if I get pregnant and miscarry again?" "what if What If WHAT IF?!" It's like an annoying alarm clock that you cannot turn off. The more I try not to focus on these things... the more they randomly pop into my head. My anxiety is growing. I was starting to panic a little. I was starting to get scared. I needed a sign... something to tell me this was right (even though I know in my heart that it is). I'm a big fan of signs. They're like little clues from God that tell us what we should do and when we are on the right paths. Now, I will admit that I have "made" things into signs that were NOT signs just to justify something that I wanted to be right. I like to think that I know better at this point in my life.

My quiet time with God is usually in my car on my way to and from work. I can think clearly when I'm driving, sometimes I even talk out loud to Him... I'm the only one in the car, I don't care if people see me and think I'm nuts. So Thursday morning, I poured my heart out. We had ordered the medicine, paid for it... and I was freaking out. I asked for a sign. It was a partially cloudy, not raining... and suddenly I looked up and saw the most beautiful rainbow. It was like God was saying "Hey! I'm right here with you! I've got this! It's going to be okay! Just trust me!" After that I felt better... at least for a few hours.  

My medicine came in the mail on Friday... lets just say that seeing the quantity of it in front of me was overwhelming.

The questions began again... I have a fear of needles. It is not the pain, it's the actual needle. Watching it go in the skin, actually just thinking about it going in the skin makes my stomach curl up into knots. I have until Tuesday to get over that fear. I'm just going to go on and assume that's not going to happen until I man up with the needle in my hand and stick that sucker in my belly. Ugh.

The thing I have been sorely lacking this last week or two with all of these questions is a lack of hope. I'm so terrified of an unhappy ending that I can't even begin to think about a happy one. This could work... this might work. I need to be thinking that this is going to work. When you automatically think the worst, that is a hard think to wrap your mind around. We have been fighting this for so long, can the end really be in sight? Maybe. Maybe not. I cannot control the outcome of this situation. That is only in God's hands. But hope? That is something I can control.

Hope doesn't just fall out of the sky like rain. Hope doesn't just miraculously appear out of nowhere. You can't buy it at the store or order it online. Hope is there for the taking. You just have to choose to hope. Hope is ours, given by God, to get us through this life. There are countless verses in the Bible to teach us about hope. Here are a few that I find particularly helpful:

Romans 5: 2-5 Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. ³ Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, ⁴ and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, ⁵ and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Romans 12:12  Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Hebrews 11:1 (paraphrased) Faith is being sure of what you hope for.

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." In the book of Romans, He is even called the God of Hope. It is one of his many gifts to us. He wants hope for us... He wants us to have faith in Him... He wants to give us hope. The catch is, just like we must choose to follow Him... we must also choose other things in  our lives... hope, joy... faith. I chose to have faith in the journey and this is the path I have been lead down. Now, I choose to have hope. I have a friend with a blog called "choosing joy". I have always loved that... but now I get it. I choose to be hopeful. I choose hope over fear. I choose joy over despair. I choose faith over blame and guilt. I choose a life guided by my Lord.

Now, every time one of those thoughts pops into my head... I simply say... "My hope is in You Lord." Then, I feel better. I feel calmer. I know this is right.

Do not be afraid to ask for what you need. If you need a sign, say it. If you need hope, choose it. If you want to be happy, decide to be... and then things will fall into place (with God's help of course).

Matthew 7: 7-8 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened."

There will always be fear in the back of your mind. It is part of being flawed as a human, it is in our nature to fear the unknown, but we don't have to be afraid. We must remember who is in control... who has this all planned out and already knows the ending... it is already written out. I know we will be parents one day, hopefully sooner rather than later. Right now, I have to give it all over to God. I have to have hope. I have to keep the faith. I could go insane thinking about all the possibilities of bad outcomes... now, it is time to focus on the good.

Choose hope. Choose joy. Choose love. Choose faith! Rejoice! That's what God wants for all of us.

An Outpouring of Love

Keeping with the discussion of love...

I received an amazingly sweet surprise this past Saturday. My best friend texted me asking if she could come by because she had something "she'd been working on"... okay, sure. Not thinking too much of it... she couldn't have been up to TOO much, I thought, because not only does she have two beautiful children AND a full time job, the previous weekend she had graduated college. I was beyond proud of her for this huge accomplishment that I know she has worked incredibly hard for. I am amazed at the woman she is... she does so much... I like to think of her sometimes as super mom as she texts me to check on me in between playing with her daughter, nursing her son, cooking a gluten-free meal for her hubby and writing another 10 page paper... lol. I wasn't surprised when she said she could only stay a few minutes.

I WAS surprised by what she had in her arms when I answered the door. It was a gift... she had been working for a couple of weeks putting it together. She had conspired with our friends and part of my family to put it all together.

This basket is filled with little gifts...things for relaxation, the angel of friendship from the collection I love and letters for each big process of our rapidly upcoming IVF cycle. It is SO HARD not to break into those letters. It even has drawings for my friends' children... that I also cannot look at until a certain day. I was in complete awe. I don't know where she found the time to do any of this... and words cannot express my gratitude for this outpouring of love. But that's what best friends are for right? You pour out to each other... I know that probably lately I have been a "needy" friend... but we all become the needy friend at some point. When your friends are down you do what you can to lift them up... and this? This was beyond anything I ever expected. My heart overflows to my dear dear friend as I look at the basket over and over.  So much love contained here. It encouraged me at a time when I was beginning to feel anxious and slightly scared.

Between my parents... and my best friend... and comments I have received about both things... I got to thinking...

You see these outpourings of love for my little family here? If you think that is amazing... think about this: if our Earthly love can pour out so much emotion... if these gestures say so much about the people we are and the people we care about... How much MORE is the love of our Heavenly Father for us?

As humans, our ways of living and loving are inherently flawed. There will always be a point when we are selfish or careless or mean or aggravated and take it all out on the people we care about most, just because they are in the line of fire... but not our Father. No matter how much we try to love someone unconditionally, we fail. Time and time again we fall short. But not our Heavenly Father.

How much do you love your friends? family? pets? spouse? children??? What would you do for them? Would you give them your all? your money? your home? your LIFE?? Would you give your children's lives??? Our Heavenly Father gave His. THAT is how much he loves you... and me... and everyone. No matter how flawed we are. No matter how many times we fall short. GOD still gave His SON for us.

The story is told clearly in the Bible. You can never forget the verse... John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." He gave him up freely... Jesus gave himself to die on the cross... all for our salvation. He took our punishment... he took our sin. He took these things and replaced them with his blood... to bring us everlasting life. An eternity spent with Him.

Trying to wrap my mind around the vastness of the Lord's love leaves me breathless. It's amazing! There is NOTHING we can EVER do to mess that up! Even better!!

Take this verse... Romans 8-
³⁷ No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. ³⁸ For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, ³⁹ nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

No matter what you are going through in your life, God loves you. When you feel alone, God is there. When you are sad, God is catching your tears. So reach out to him. His love is unending. His love is always within reach. Accepting this love is your choice, but it is free to you to receive. And by His grace you are saved (Ephesians 2:5). There will always be struggle. There will always be turmoil in the world. But you are always loved.

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And to my dear best friend... Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I still don't have the proper words to tell you how much this meant to me. You are a true expression of 1 John 4: 7-8
⁷ Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

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.... So many days recently I have felt loved beyond comprehension. I hope you all, my dear readers, feel the love as well.

If Something Seems Too Good To Be True...

It probably is.

Cliché right? Yeah, I know you've heard it a million times. It holds steady because it's usually true. Well, at least it seems to be true more often than not. So what do you do when things fall through?

For instance, if you were told that you would be receiving financial assistance for... oh I don't know... let's say an important medical procedure that was coming up... and then the group who offered the assistance backed out... what do you do?

Well first... if it was us... let's say we'd be pretty mad... and then I would cry (big shocker there right?!)

We found ourselves in this predicament last week. I wasn't ready to post about it because I knew I would only be posting out of hurt and anger and would end up badmouthing someone... which is wrong. So I haven't posted in a while.

So there we were... short on funds. With the deadline to pay fast approaching.

One thing that still rings true... God will never lead you down a path without providing for you along the way. Even when it feels like things are falling apart... there will always be someone there to help you along... help bear the burden.

Now, had we known that we were going to fund this all on our own, we would've scrimped and saved even more than we already were... we would have used all our tax return to project baby instead of paying off some things that could have waited... but saying we would've done things differently is counterproductive. We could spend our entire lives talking about what ifs and what could have been done and what might have been.

Our blessing this time came in another form. Our blessing would not come in the form of work assistance. It would come in the form of two people... whose love brought me into this world. Two people who I know would give anything for us not to have to be dealing with such problems. Two people that would give of themselves as much as they possibly could to benefit their own children. My amazing parents.

I would be lying if I said they have never offered assistance to us before... in more ways than I can count.

There were many things about my parents marriage that I didn't understand until I found myself married facing the problems of this world. They have taught me so much about life, love and most of all strength and resilience. No matter how much adversity they faced being married with children at such a young age, they worked their way to success... and never expected any less from my brother and myself. I see them differently now... I see how their struggle and love over the years formed us into people unlike many people that I know. I see how they have grown, as individuals, as Christians and as a couple. They learned as they went along... and taught us everything they learned "the hard way" so that it might be easier for us. More times than not, we still felt the need to learn things the hard way (I often blame my stubborn nature on them... that I got it honestly... ha ha) I feel so fortunate to have them in my life and it saddens me to know all of the many times I took them for granted or became hurt or angry with them when they acted in ways I could not understand. I guess that can be said of many children once they become adults to have such thoughts as these.

My greatest wish is that I will love and provide for my children as they have provided for us, even when they had very little to give. My parents were not perfect. I know that there are many things they would do differently if given the chance. I know this because they have told me this... but given the chance, I would never trade them for anyone in the world. I know without any shadow of a doubt how much they love my brother and me. I know because they show it... they tell me. They've told me more in the last two years than ever in my life... or maybe I just have the ears to hear it now, and as a child I couldn't hear it in the same way. Maybe I feel it more now because I know the love that a parent can have for a child, even a child that is not on this earth... even for a child that has yet come to be... I know that they are vulnerable at times... and they're open to me... they don't have to protect me from all the bad things of the world. Love and honesty go hand in hand. They can't protect me from the bad things we are living through. They can't just "make it better". They can't kiss the "boo-boos" and make the pain go away. I felt their pain as they felt helpless when we lost our first child. I knew they wanted to fix it, but couldn't. I know how hard it was for them to juggle the pain and sadness they felt for me and the joy and happiness they felt for my brother at the same time with his first child that was on the way. I know how they wish they could change our current circumstances.

All they can do is love and support us... and that changes our world. Knowing they are there. They have always been there. And as long as they are able they will always be there for us... supporting us and loving us however they possibly can.

For that, I am eternally grateful.

After all that has happened... all that we have been through... I look into their eyes and see something I was never able to see before... just how much love they have to give and how my pain is their pain... and how, no matter how much trouble my brother and I have been over the years, they too, would not trade us for anyone or anything.

I will leave you with this quote that I feel perfectly sums up how much we take our parents for granted in our younger years... and makes me giggle.

Say a special prayer of thanksgiving for your parents today... and be sure they know how much you love and appreciate them.

I love you Mom and Dad. So very very much.

Mystery Diagnosis: Infertility Edition

There are two types of shows on television that I could watch all day and never tire of... cooking competition shows and medical mystery shows. No secret I'm a Grey's Anatomy fan... medical mystery and drama? Who wouldn't love that? Now on a different show... you get the same drama and medical intrigue (minus the relationship drama) in a real life setting. Mystery Diagnosis. It always features a "victim" who has some medical dilemma. In their process they are diagnosed and treated over and over again until randomly some doctor finally finds the root of the problem and FINALLY they get the treatment they needed from the very beginning... finally they get relief. 

Mystery diagnosis... Infertility edition.

You've read the story so far... first it's this... then it's that... then it's all signs point to this so let's treat it!! But has the treatment worked? Well since we have yet to conceive... you can figure that. 

So after several different tests... more lab work than I could ever dream and even more diagnostic imaging. We have a diagnosis.

Is it a progesterone deficiency? Nope. Is it anovulation? Not quite. Is it mental instability? At this point, yeah probably some of that going on. Lol. 

Ladies and gentlemen... our diagnosis? Poor ovarian reserve. 

Not super common for someone my age. Normally when you do an antral follicle count (an ultrasound where they literally count the number of follicles you have in each ovary on day 3 of your cycle) in someone my age, you would see 15-20 follicles... in each ovary. I had 5 on the left and 7 on the right. I have the ovaries of someone much older than myself. This "low reserve" was further confirmed with a lab test. I have low AMH (anti-mullerian hormone). This hormone is produced by the microscopic follicles in your ovaries, and therefore reflect the size of your remaining egg supply. Normally this decline doesn't occur until age 35 or so in a normal female. 

So why haven't we ever heard anything even mentioned about this being a possibility until now? Well. Normal gynecologists (even if they are "treating" you for infertility do not do this testing). They tested my progesterone on day 21 of every cycle. Always low. I couldn't get pregnant... so for everything they were doing... all signs pointed to "progesterone deficiency and anovulation". But that was never the problem at all.

After watching my cycle very closely. I am ovulating. This is occurring early on in my cycle, which makes my luteal phase (the phase after ovulation) normal length. No luteal phase defect. So why, if I'm ovulating couldn't I get pregnant? Even though I am releasing an egg every month, the egg is releasing early. This egg doesn't have the normal time to mature... so it is not viable for pregnancy... can't be fertilized or something along those lines. 

I wish there was some magic pill to pump up this number. Women are born with all of the eggs they will ever have in their lifetime. So... the longer we've tried getting pregnant... the longer we wait... the less eggs we will have. And in my case, sooner rather than later there won't be any good ones left. Our doctor is somewhat concerned about the quality of eggs we will be able to attain, but that cannot be determined until our eggs are harvested and he can actually look at them. One step at a time...

So what's next, you ask?

IVF!! We get to start immediately (finally some good news)! Well as soon as I start my next cycle, that is. The sooner we start... the better, as far as my eggs are concerned. 

I know it has taken a while for me to post this. Honestly I just had to have time to deal with it all. This was not fun news to hear. I mean what 28 year old wants to be told this?! No woman ever wants to hear this, but especially no woman who should be in her "fertile" years. 

First I was excited to have a plan. Then I was depressed when I processed all this new news. Then I was irritated of all of the "missed" diagnoses... then I came to terms with it. I have spent many hours in prayer... except this time it wasn't so much asking "why?" as usual... it was more asking for strength and wisdom to deal with this... as well as for direction.

I truly believe that if we were not supposed to do in vitro, everything would not have been provided to us as it has. I feel like I am in good hands. (Divinely and medically). We have lots of support. (Thank you all for that). 

Now all we can do is keep the faith... and pray. Pray without ceasing. 

Carrying the Grave

I know it's been a while since I posted... I have had several appointments and tests since our previous update to you guys. I will get to that in a few days, after we work out some details.

Our first child would have been 1 year old this past month. That got me thinking (crying and thinking of course). A big problem with miscarriage is that you never really get to grieve properly. Part of the grieving process of losing a loved one is marked by a funeral. People come to pay their respects... they send flowers... they attend the burial, which brings me to this problem... the grave. When you lose a loved one you have a grave to visit on such milestones. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Etc. But when you lose a child before a certain time, there is no "body" to bury. Sure, there was a body... but that body was then declared "tissue" and passed (to the outside world) without much of a second thought. You never get a funeral... You never get a burial... You try to grieve the best you can without these final traditions.

So what about the grave?

....

Yes there is a grave. I carry it with me. I carry it in my heart. I visit it often. It reminds me of the poem by E. E. Cummings:

I carry your heart with me

I carry it in my heart

I am never without it

 

I used to fear this grave. Thinking about it used to upset me. Now it is my safe place. A place I can visit in my heart and mind to acknowledge that I am a parent. I became a parent the day our first child was conceived. Although, to the people who don't know me I appear to be childless. I am and always will be a mother.

 

On that day, April 20th, I woke up in an awful mood... not wanting to face the day. I was difficult to deal with. I was angry, so of course I took it out on  my spouse. Let's face it, that is hard not to do. It didn't last long... of course he called me out on it. I cried. I told him how I felt and why. And I felt better. I wouldn't call it a fight, it could have been a fight but he wouldn't participate. Which right now makes me laugh, at the time it was infuriating. Then we decided to make that bad day a great one.

 

We spent every moment together. We worked in the flower beds... oh how I love my flowers... We bought lots of beautiful plants... we enjoyed each other's company. It was a wonderful domestic beautiful day. My sweet husband once again reminded me that I am never in this alone. We are a team. Always. No matter what. Our loss is a burden I will never have to bear alone. Our infertility is no different. This battle, I never have to fight alone.

 

We also decided to honor the day. We bought a birthday balloon and each wrote to our little angel a birthday message on it. We released it together. This small gesture meant the world to me. We watched it until we couldn't see it anymore. I felt better. I felt SO much better. I just wanted to do something to acknowledge the day. In the pictures you will see a little rainbow. A rainbow on this perfectly sunny beautiful spring day. It felt like a sign... everything was okay. Our angel is happy. Of course he's happy, he's in Heaven with our Lord and Savior! What could be better than that? ... and we finally have a plan to hopefully be parents to a rainbow baby here on earth.

 

 

 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted