The Best Days of my Life

I had a friend ask recently how I was feeling. I had to respond with pure honesty... every day this child's heart beats inside of me, is the greatest day of my life. Sure there are aches and pains, nausea, vomiting, discomfort, heartburn, breakouts and the whole laundry list of things no one warns you about.... but I praise God for every single one. Every day, is the greatest day of my life. I feel like every second of my free time is spent deep in thought, thanking God repeatedly.... and then... thanking him again.

We had our final visit with our reproductive endocrinologist today, it couldn't have gone better. Little clover baby has grown a lot in the last week, we are measuring exactly 11 weeks, which I will be on Friday. Here he/she is: first picture was taken last week, the second was taken today.

 

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart. Jeremiah 1:5

Clover baby liked keeping his/her hands in his/her face, teasing us with almost perfect pictures. We are now released to a regular OBGYN, whom I will meet with next week. Also, no more hormone treatments!! The placenta is now formed and taking over, looking healthy and beautiful. I'm already showing. Sure the normal person wouldn't really be able to tell for sure whether I was pregnant or just really bloated, but the people who see me every day can definitely see a difference. It's so exciting. I ordered my first maternity wear, I can still squeeze into my regular clothes but they're super uncomfortable. This picture was taken last week, I feel like every day I get a little bigger. It's awesome!

I just can't get over this feeling of joy and love.... my cup runneth over. Blessings abound... I am in constant awe over the power of our Lord. Just the thought brings me to tears.

Rejoice dear friends... God is alive and working in our lives. He can turn any situation into a beautiful love story, as long as He remains the main character. Keep the Lord first always. Thank Him for everything, even the hard times... they make you appreciate the blessings even more.

Thank you for your continued prayer, please keep them coming! We love each and every one of you!

For those of you still struggling, the fear still remains, but every day it is more and more muted. Pray for peace. Pray for patience. Thank God for standing by you and holding you up through every day. Your story may take a turn at any moment! Be ready to be flooded with blessings, for that is what our Lord wants for us! He also wants the GLORY! And BOY does he deserve it!!! To God alone be the glory!! Praising Jesus continually!! Keep the faith!

Clover baby is due October 17, 2014.

Giving you all of me, is where I'll start

I've written a few posts lately that I have yet to publish, feeling as though it's not quite time for those yet... But I have spent many many hours in prayer over the last two weeks as to when it was appropriate for my family for us to post this one. 

There's a special song that has rapidly become the theme to our life, as of late. It's by Matt Hammitt and it is called All of Me

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Chorus)
You're gonna have all of me 
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you

Chorus

Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

Chorus (X2)

It's where I'll start

It's a strange feeling, thinking you might see a light at the end of the tunnel finally... Sometimes it shines so bright that it startles you and leaves you bewildered... This can't possibly be true, can it? Lord... Is this our chance? It's scary... So much can happen, so much has happened. So much can go wrong. But that doesn't mean we should live in fear. Lord, you know you have all of me... And little one, I will not let my fear interfere with my love for you. 

This is our "clover," our lucky baby number 4... And hopefully the first child that we get to hold in our arms. I know you all have a million questions so I will try to answer those now. 

We are currently 8 weeks pregnant. We accidentally discovered this glorious little miracle when I was about 5.5 weeks along. No, we were not trying... This is the glorious power of The Lord, as you know we were given roughly a 1-2% chance of ever conceiving naturally again. My surgery in November had nothing to do with my poorly working ovaries, just my uterine cavity. The doctor prays that surgery will keep me from having further recurrent miscarriages. It has been so hard to keep this a secret, because we wanted to shout from the rooftops how glorious and faithful our God is. It was a hard decision to put this out there because so much can go so wrong so fast, but we are stepping out in faith, bragging on God and asking, once again, for your prayers. So far everything is perfect, and we are just overwhelmed with joy. We see our doctor weekly due to the fact that my first trimester is so risky. 

For our few family members that have kept this secret with us, thank you so much for respecting our wishes until we were ready to publicize this information. 

For those that are just finding out... There's a few things we ask that you don't say. Please don't say "I told you if you'd relax ... If you'd stop trying... If you'd do 'so and so' this would happen." This was nothing but the awesome power of God. Relaxing didn't suddenly make my body decide to start working, not trying doesn't cure the disease of infertility. Only God can do that, not giving Him that glory would trivialize His miracle. I've seen so many women who finally get their miracles just to be further downtrodden by other's words... So we ask that you be respectful to us, this child and most of all... Our God and Savior. To God alone, be the glory. To God alone, be the praise. 

For my dear friends still waiting for your turn, I pray for you every day... Don't lose the faith, God is holding you near to his heart. I hope you feel that power in your life. 

Dear little clover,

You have all of me... And all of daddy... And you will always know that you are such an amazing miracle from God... Hold tight little baby, you'll meet your siblings one day, but we pray you meet us first. Keep growing my tiny love. Mommy will do all she can to care for you every second of every day. We've prayed for you for so long... So very long... 

With every beat of my heart,

Your thankful mommy

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We are leaving tomorrow for a much needed vacation with my entire family, even my grandma on her first trip out of the country! If you don't get a fast response from us, we will be back in the country and back to having cellular service on Thursday! Love to you all! 

The things I don't want you to know.

Every morning I wake up to the realization that my children are not here with me. That's how every day begins for me, missing and wanting my babies. But they aren't here. I have to allow myself those first few minutes of the day to pray for reassurance that I can get through this. 

Every night I go to bed praying to see God's plan in this, asking for clarity... Asking to have children here on Earth to love and care for. 

I rarely ask God "why?" anymore. I know that I will never know the reason, I've come to terms with that. It will never make sense in my small human mind. I just wish the big man would just clue us in on His plan, just a little. There are so many fleeting moments throughout the day that life doesn't feel fair. It isn't fair. It never will be. I don't ask for fair, I ask for peace. I ask for wisdom. I ask for patience. 

As a woman, every month for about a week I'm reminded just how not pregnant I am. Ever since my surgery that aspect of my life has been nearly unbearable physically. That's the thing they don't warm you about... The increase of cramping, pain and bleeding so intense that you feel like you can't get through a normal day. I'm told that should get better with time, but that is yet to be seen. 

Every day spent on this rocky path, our desires feel less attainable. The dying, but eternal, dream. 

Those are the things I don't want people to know. Those are the vulnerable moments that I wish were avoidable. It's hard to admit that I think about this every single day, it hurts every single day. Because if people knew that, there would be nothing for me to hide. If they know it all... There is nothing for me to hang on to when I need to be sad. 

Does that sound strange? That there are days I need to be sad? It's not what you think, I don't crave the sadness... But there are days when it becomes so built up that I need to feel it and cry it out. There are seasons when I need to be alone and not have to face the world, that I need to lock the door and be alone with God to deal with it. That's the main way I can deal honestly with it. If I'm alone with it, I don't have to hold back. I don't have to sugar coat it. I can face it head on for what it truly is... Awful. It's hard for many people to understand that sometimes I need isolation. Actually it's hard for most people to understand. Some people are offended by it, saying it's unhealthy for me to "shut down" but they just can't understand that we all deal with the trials of this life very differently. 

Social media makes it very difficult for other's lives to not affect us, there have been many days that I've avoided that all together... I actually long for the days before Facebook and text messaging, when people had to actually communicate with you to cause any damage... But that isn't the world we live in anymore. 

All in all I know I live a blessed life. I have a beautiful home. I have a husband that still opens doors for me. I have a pack of dogs that keep me laughing with their antics and unconditional love. This is the checklist that I go through every morning on my drive in to work. One by one, in my mind, I name the things I love... The things/people that have been brought into my life that I don't deserve. I thank God for this journey (as much as I hate being on it) because it has made me appreciate everything so much more. I thank God for the hard times because it caused my marriage to blossom, against all odds. I thank God for it because it brings me closer to Him. 

I know that the point of this is much bigger than myself, that doesn't make it any easier to bear... Nothing does. 

I believe we go through seasons within seasons. Lately I've been going through a tough one. As the days turn into months and the months turn into years, it doesn't get any easier. I don't handle things any better now than I did when this all began... I just handle it differently. I know it won't kill me, but that doesn't mean I enjoy the pain. To go against the annoying saying... I don't enjoy dancing in the rain. I've learned to let God be my umbrella but that doesn't mean I don't sill sometimes feel cold wet and alone. I learn to appreciate the lessons but that may never mean I enjoy having to learn them. 

I desire to use this to help others, but that doesn't mean I don't need times to step away from it all for a while. I can't let the battle overtake me, so occasionally I just need to step back... Step away... Find something else to occupy my mind for a while. Last month that something became painting my house, almost the entire interior of my house, I'm still not finished with that project. This month the project is replacing our floors. I'm much better when my hands are occupied. Our December project was my new love... Here she is

This is our Abigail, the newest addition to our family. I had been following her story on the Tails of Hope rescue page on Facebook. Sweet Abby (then called Casey) was a mommy too, but shortly after she gave birth her puppies began to pass away. One by one I would read about their passing... And although I might have been projecting my emotions onto this doggie's story, I would cry and cry. My heart broke for this lost little momma who desperately needed a home. One day the last puppy died and I couldn't take it anymore. I needed her. I needed to make her feel better. I had to love her. I had this overwhelming need to be the one to make this doggie happy again. I contacted the group, put in our application telling our story and why I so desperately wanted to help her... Then suddenly, she was ours. 

I've never seen a dog so scared of me in my entire life. She was terrified, and I can't say that I blamed her. Once we got her calmed down I simply held her... I held her all night long. That little girl still sleeps in my arms every night... And boy is she happy. It's brought me great joy to see her blossom with us. We chose the name Abigail because the meaning of it is "source of joy." I knew that's what she would be for us, and I wanted to be that for her as well. What a change I've seen... Every day when I return from work she BOUNDS to me, so excited that she's almost crying to get to me. It fills my heart... Her goofy clumsy little smiles ... 

So while I'm hurting... When I feel lost... I feel like God uses these things to reassure me that I am loved. I am not alone. There is a reason and a plan here, I just have to stick to it. I have to trust God to do what is best. I have to embrace the good and be thankful. And sometimes... I just need people to understand that it's ok when I need to lock the door and be alone. I promise I'll come back around soon... And no, I haven't lost the faith. 

Uterine Septum Surgery

Hello friends, I know I've owed you this post for a while... As you could probably tell from my previous post, we've been walking through and trying to deal with some unexpected strife. Here I am, back with you, more determined than ever to get through this so I can become a tool to help those of you that may be struggling as well. 

In December I underwent hysteroscopy to remove a previously misdiagnosed uterine septum. You can imagine our delight that our yearly deductible was met, hence the rush to get it done before the year's end. This journey is far from cheap, so any part of it being covered helps tremendously and is definitely an answered prayer!

As previously stated, a uterine septum may be a reason for past complications and miscarriages, though there is no way to absolutely know for sure. Our reproductive specialist explained that this septum is not composed of normal uterine tissue. The tissue is dense and fibrous with scant blood vessels. Therefore, if a placenta tried to attach and grow in this area, it would not generate proper blood flow, and eventually would clot and cause the baby to die. Since there is no way to determine what part of the uterine lining this will attach to, we made the decision to have the surgery in hopes that future pregnancies (God willing) would have a better chance of survival. 

A hysteroscopy is performed using a lighted tube (hysteroscope) inserted through the cervix and into the uterus. Gas is then released inside the uterine cavity to inflate the area and give the doctor some room to work. (I was completely asleep during the procedure.) In my case, a laser was used to cut away the septum, removing the fibrous tissue. (Other tools that may be used are special scissors or electrical currents.) 

The procedure itself was quick and I rather enjoyed the nap. (I'm normally a troubled sleeper so I will take what I can get!) I remember waking up groggy then experienced terrible cramping. The nurse brought me a ginger ale that I didn't even have to ask for and medication for the pain. You know you've been to a surgery center too often when they no longer have to ask your post-op drink preference. The cramping I experienced was expected, however it took more pain medicine than they normally anticipate to alleviate the pain. Sometimes I feel as if my body is rebelling against me for all I've put it through. Hubby was there to hold my hand of course, as always... And quite often my dad just happens to show up at the surgery center to wish me well before hand, how comforting compassionate family members can be. I can't say enough good things about the staff at the East Memphis Surgery Center. Having worked in the medical profession for years, I know how burnt out nurses and doctors can get in their daily routine. I must say that I have never received anything but excellent service and empathy from the entire staff. That is such an important aspect, especially if you get pre-procedure anxiety like I do. Something about any procedure just makes me anxious. It's not that I am afraid of not waking up afterwards, if that were to happen I'd simply wake up in Heaven, with my Heavenly Father and my three children... How amazing would that be? I think it's more anxiety of pain afterwards that gets to me. 

By the time the nurse got my pain under control, Mike was already back with me in recovery. Not long after that, we were discharged with more medication just in case. I slept a good bit of that afternoon, cramping on and off. I was pleasantly suprised that the post-op bleeding was very light. (The doctor said that is due to the fact that the tissue removed didn't have much vascularity.) I was sore for a few days following, but nothing too bad. The surgery was done on a Friday and I was able to return to work the following Monday, so no time lost there thankfully. 

One important thing I would encourage you to do if you find yourself dealing with presurgical anxiety like I experience, is to have your spouse pray with and for you. I can't even describe the level of comfort and love that I feel when I hear my spouse speaking to God on my behalf. If the anxiety is intolerable, the staff at such centers also have anti anxiety medication available to you. I haven't partaken in this part, but they still offer it every time. I can usually stay calm enough knowing that it won't be too long before I'm sedated anyways, and I always have Mike there to make me laugh in the pre-op area... Boy the things you hear in pre-op can be entertaining!!!

Our doctor appreciates my curious nature and medical background so he even supplied us with pictures from the actual procedure. I won't post them here because I know many of my readers are pretty squeamish, but if you're as curious as I am, I don't mind sharing them with you. 

Never underestimate the things a mother is willing to endure for her children, even for the ones that don't exist yet... Even just to keep the dream of having children alive... Even if this has no future benefits to us, I will not regret haviing it done, just knowing thereis even a possibility of it helping with future pregnancies is encouragement enough to know it was worth it. Like I've said before, this is the path God is leading us down, there's no way I can ever regret following Him.

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Stay tuned for posts about a scary post-op emergency, another post-op procedure and a new addition to our family (of the 4 legged variety). For today I'll leave you with this bit of infertility humor: 

When someone says your decisions are wrong...

People have an opinion about everything these days. People have always had bold opinions about the way each other's lives should be lived, the only difference is that now in our solical media controlled world, people have become very very vocal about these opinions. They feel the need to argue and berate and tell others just how wrong they are. So, what do you do when you find yourself in the line of fire? What CAN you do?

First off, decide if it is someone even worth arguing with, I know this may sound a little harsh... honestly some people just like to stir up trouble and their ultimate goal is not to change your opinion, they just want to see you rattled and upset. I feel like most of the time you are better off just ignoring these taunts and irritations... Let them get their "jollies" elsewhere. Odds are when they see they aren't getting a response, they'll move on to someone else they're suddenly offended by. 

But what if it is someone that is supposed to be on your side? What if it is someone who is supposed to be a close friend? What if it is even a family member? 

Let's go one step further, what if they even use the "word of God" against you?

If you've followed us on this journey you know just how much God has been a part of every single aspect of our decision making. We have not made one single choice without first seeking God's will and wisdom. But should we have to defend this to the people who already know or should already know our relationship with God. 

Friends, the truth is this... If you find yourselves on a similar journey, you do not have to justify your choices with anyone... That is, if you are following what you know God has laid upon your heart. I can assure you that everyone will have an opinion of what you should and should not do, and often those that have never stood or even come close to standing in your shoes will have the loudest opinions of all, but does their persistence make them right? Does their perception of the word of God trump the word that God has given to you? No surprise here, I have an opinion of that myself, and I say no. At this point in our lives I feel as if we've heard it all. I know at probably isn't true, because I find myself continually shocked at the lengths people will go to in order to cause others heartache and pain because they feel that their way is the only right way. 

What is God telling you to do? 

Are you hearing Him or are you only hearing what you want to hear? 

This I can assure you, no one in their right mind would ever put themselves through the rigorous testing, injections, procedures and surgeries just because it's fun. I couldn't do any of it without God on my side. I can't even count the number of days I've spent lying in the arms of God and submitting myself completely over to Him because there was simply no way I could endure anymore on my own fragile earthly body and mind. But still the critics abound. 

First off, try talking to them. Ask them to respect your decisions. Tell them that the things they are saying are causing you pain and feel unloving. 

Most people who love and care about you will do simply do that, problem solved. 

If they choose to continually make you feel bad about your life... What then? Well... That's what I'm walking through at the moment. Above all I know I must forgive them for causing what feels like intentional hurt and pain. Easier said than done right? In our human form people can only push us so far until we reach our breaking point and become bitter and angry towards them... But I know this is not what God wants from me. It is our Christian duty to forgive. 

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as The Lord forgave you." Colossians 3:13

"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:31-32

You are not the only ones that have ever walked through this mess, and Jesus gives us specific instructions about patience and forgiveness. 

"Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, 'Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?' Jesus answered, 'I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.'" Matthew 18:21-22

It may happen repeatedly. But as a Christian, you forgive and keep forgiving. Hanging on to anger and bitterness hurts you way more an it hurts your offender. 

Forgiveness does not mean submitting to their way. It is ok to stand your ground. If you know that God is supporting you in your endeavor, there is nothing anyone can do or say to change the outcome. I can assure you that God's will for your life will be done. 

At some point, you may feel that you have to step away from that person (or persons) for a time. Take the time to cool off (however much time you need), it's much better than lashing out and making the situation even worse. Keep your eyes and your heart on your Savior. Once a relationship has been damaged in this way, you may find it difficult to look at the person in the same light that you once did, trust must be built back up over time. Being open with your life and your choices makes you vulnerable, and they have taken advantage of this vulnerability by inflicting feelings of pain, guilt and grief. It will be hard to trust them or to even discuss your life with them after this type of offense. Eventually you have to find a way to let go of the hurt. It's going to take time and it will not be easy... But it will be worth it. You may not be ready to reconcile yet, and that is ok, but work on it, pray on it. God will lead you the right way. Pray for their hearts as well as your own, if they continue down the same path it will just lead to a vicious circle which leads to more bitterness and resentment. Seek God first and the rest will fall into place.

If you find yourself disagreeing with a Christian friend or family member's decisions, know that:

It is OK to ask "why do you feel that God is leading you in this direction?" 

It is NOT OK to say "God told me to tell you that you are wrong." 

It is OK to ask your pastor and/or elder leaders if it is proper to tell the other person how you are feeling.

It is NOT OK to confront the person and tell them that they are living apart from The Lord because they  aren't making the decisions you feel they should be making "if they really were a Christian and living right".

It is OK and responsible if you ask God for discernment of what you should do or say. 

It is NOT OK to use God as a scapegoat to justify saying anything you want in any manner that you choose to say it. For example, "don't get mad at me, they're God's words, not mine." You have to take responsibility for the things you say and the manner in which you say it. Persistently ridiculing someone else's life is not the way to a healthy relationship.

If you do choose to have this discussion, do it in a non-confrontational and loving manner. Do not do it in a text message, email or any other non-personal manner. Accusing someone of living apart from God is a big deal, and can be the ultimate insult, especially if you have already insulted other aspects of their life repeatedly. Have a heart. Showing love and support can change someone's life. Tread carefully, especially if you are trying to talk about a circumstance in which you have never walked through yourself. Above all, be compassionate. (Compassion, noun, a deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.) Try to imagine your life walking in their shoes, you can never truly know what it is like, but it may give you a different perspective on the matter. 

"Do not judge and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven." Luke 6:37

Friends, remember above all... You are not alone. You are not the first or the last to face this part of the battle. Find those that you can relate to, the ones who have been there, seek their counsel and remember God is always there for you and with you, even if others believe He isn't supporting you. This is your battle not theirs, let God fight for you and don't waste your time fighting with those who disagree.

A Miracle for Christmas

So far I have had surgery... thanksgiving... another painful post surgical procedure... and made a decision for the future... but all that will come in due time.

Today, my dear friends I want to share a story with you. This is not my story, this is the story of a dear friend that I have come to love like a sister, the one I wrote my previous post too, I do this for you. She gave me permission to share with you this beautiful story that still brings me to tears.

To give you some backstory, Emily and I met years and years ago through friends of an ex-boyfriend of mine. We reconnected earlier this year (feels like much longer than that now) as everyone does, through Facebook. Em and I became fast friends, relating to the struggle of infertility through my blog. Although at that point she had not been pregnant before, she struggled as I did to even try to get to that point. Test after test, she finally had a diagnosis for her infertility, defective fallopian tubes that had to be surgically removed. Long story short, Em and I got to the same point about the same time, IVF was our only option. I began to feel closer and closer to her as time went by and we went through these procedures nearly hand in hand. We were exactly 5 days apart on everything we did. I went first, warned her of everything she was about to go through, lol... and exactly 5 days apart, we became pregnant together.

We loved and encouraged each other, complained to each other they way you can to only someone who is in your exact same shoes as the exact same time. We both pictured our children being born so close together and how they would be great friends because both of their mommies went to such great lengths to have them. Sadly,  you know how this story went for me. Between 4 and 5 weeks after we lost the first twin, our second twin's heart stopped beating. Less than a week later, Em's little one passed as well. 5 days later... as we did everything... we miscarried together as well. This being her first, I pulled myself out of the cave of sadness I was in and set my mind to get her through it. Encouraging her ended up benefiting me as much as it did her (I'm not entirely sure she knows that). It let me focus on someone else. I, quite literally, felt her pain... her heartbreak, I cried so many tears for her. I didn't want her to go through any of it, I wanted to go through it for her. I wanted to carry her burden as I had carried mine, repeatedly. I wanted it to be a dream and for her to have her perfect baby... I would go through it again and again if it meant she never had to. But you can't bargain with God.

The thing that changed Em as it did me with my first loss? With the proper mind in the situation she found herself closer to God than ever. I praise God for that every day, that she found the sunshine in the rain. My dear Emily, it takes someone very special to be the mother to an Angel. I'm so proud of you. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. As if that isn't miracle enough in itself... you're looking for a Christmas miracle here, and this story will not disappoint.

Emily did get a reason for her miscarriage, an infection. Something treatable. She had no uterine malformations, she did not have to undergo anymore surgery after her D&C... she had to be monitored and take antibiotics for a while, but it wasn't that long before she was cleared to try again, so they did. She had a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in November. They transferred two excellent grade embryos, then we waited. We joked about her not moving with her legs in the air to give those babies time to attach properly... I even joked with MY doctor about knocking up one of my friends, because I saw him the same day he did her procedure. He shook his head at me, as he does and giggles with all of my attempts at jokes. Because if we can't laugh about it... all we would do is cry.

Days and days passed until it was time for her blood work, to check her betas to see if there was a progressing pregnancy. There was! We were so excited. I knew those numbers would be good, I could feel it in my bones. The numbers kept going up and we rejoiced. My husband and I privately rejoiced for them, knowing everything they have been through, a rough road that we wish no one had to traverse. Then it happened.

Emily began bleeding. Heavily. I was at work at the time. I was not with her but I know what she went through. The first second you see the blood, the thoughts are the same. "No!" "No, no no no, Dear God please don't let this be happening." In that moment you can do nothing but beg God to spare your child. Every woman I have talked to about this, whether they believe in God or not, has this moment. You pray for protection, for everything to be okay, for the bleeding to stop. But it did not. More blood, more tissue was passed, until it gets to a point where there is no doubt in your mind that you are losing the pregnancy. You just know that you are miscarrying. You make your way to the doctor... they do the blood work, but it has come to a point where you know all the begging in the world wouldn't change the outcome of this nightmare. You are losing, yet another, innocent child. We cried, I was so worried about her and could have checked on her every hour of that night, but I knew she needed time with her husband. After I had asked her a million detailed questions that you can only ask someone that you have gone through such a journey with, I knew that she was at that point of coming to terms that she was miscarrying. So I went to God on her behalf, called all of our support group (without giving them details) to pray on behalf of one of our beloved friends. I prayed a million times throughout that night, on my knees, pleading with God to spare her child. Pleading with Him for her miracle.

To say she was depressed was an understatement. She just could not wrap her mind around the same question we all ask in that situation... "God why did you bring us here just to go through this again? Aren't we following your path?" These questions that we can't help but ask, went unanswered. If only God would speak audibly to us as He did in the Old Testament.

So a little time passed, they decided it was finally time to do an ultrasound. You see, the day she had the heavy heavy bleeding, it was still a little too early to do one. It was a Friday. I was cleaning the house. I texted her to see what time her appointment and ultrasound were, and the test had just been done. She would not be having one baby after that horrendous experience. She was having TWO. She had twins... both perfect... with perfect little sacs.... and most importantly two perfect little heartbeats.

I cried. I dropped to my knees and praised God for His answered prayers. For His miraculous intervention. They found nothing wrong with the pregnancy. The only explanation is that this was an old clot/hemorrhage that she passed. There was no more bleeding.

You see friends, miracles happen. I know you always hear about a friend of a friend who this and that happened to, but this is the first time it happened to MY friend. My belief in miracles has been renewed. Has yours? Emily's sure has. She is the living product of God's miraculous works. I'm in tears just writing this.

My dear friends, I ask you to come together with me in prayer thanking God for this Christmas miracle, and to place a hedge of protection around my dear friend and her perfect little babies. To my dear Emily, I love you so... and those babies... I'm still in awe of this outcome, as I know you are as well.

Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” John 11:40

 

 

"For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

In due time, I pray we all receive our miracles. I know how many people desperately need to hear something good during this holiday season. Christmas is so hard for those whose children are no longer in this world, but we will talk about that another day. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I enjoyed living it. After witnessing this miracle, my faith is overflowing. I feel such overwhelming joy for my sweet friend, and I feel so blessed to share with you the story of her miracle.

"And they went out and preached everywhere, while the Lord worked with them and confirmed the message by accompanying signs." Mark 16:20

I do this for you.

I'm sorry about all of the silence. I've actually contemplated quitting the blogger business a lot lately, but for selfish reasons... there have been several things in my personal life lately that have made me want to quit... but then I think... I don't do this for me.

I don't do this for the people who feel the need to share with me that they do not believe miscarried babies go to heaven. Everyone has to find their own belief. I have found this. I find comfort in the knowledge that my babies are safe in the arms of our Father. I know he holds them safe, when their little hearts stopped beating, their eyes opened to Jesus. That is all I need to know about it. Before I formed you in the womb I knew you [Jeremiah 1:5]

I don't do this for the people who don't think a baby is a real baby until a certain point. For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. [Psalm 139:14]

I don't do this for the people who think we should just get over things and move on with our life. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. [Matthew 5:4]

I don't do this for the people who continue to ask WHY don't we just adopt... because trust me if it were that easy, we'd have at least as many kids as we have dogs... and probably a lot more. We follow this journey as we are led, and as God provides. You make known to me the path of life. [Psalm 16:11]

I don't do this for my own satisfaction...

I don't do this for my own well-being. Although writing is therapy, putting my intimate personal life out there for the world to criticize is not therapeutic.

I do this for the women who are hurting.

I do this for the woman that feels alone in her loss.

I do this for every person who has ever lost a baby.

I do this for every person battling, or who has battled infertility.

I do this for you, dear friend... the one in misery right now.

I do this for you, dear sister, who feels like your heart is torn into a thousand pieces.

I do this to remind you, you are not alone.

I do this to remind everyone... no matter what bad things are going on in your life, God never leaves you.

I do this for my friend who is scared and angry and upset and falling apart.

Your pain is my pain.

When I hear of your loss and your heartbreak... my heart breaks too.

I shed tears for every loss I hear about. Your tears are my tears. My tears are for your angels as well as my own.

I do this to battle sorrow with love... despair with compassion... loneliness with understanding.

You cry, I cry.

We are a family... we are a sisterhood.

I strive to love you as God loves you... and oh how He loves.

The holidays are hard. Hard if you have lost a child. Hard if you have lost anyone. Hard if you are alone. Hard if you are sad. Harder still if you are experiencing a loss right now. But you are not alone. You may be sad, angry and miserable... but you are loved, you are not alone. I will always be here to remind you of this. I will always be here to share your pain. I will always be here to help carry your burden as I carry my own.

I do this for you, because I love you... because God loves you, and He wants you to know it.

 

Philippians 2:3-4        

Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

 

John 13:34

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.